Adjusting to my new work assignment

I am slowly becoming more accustomed to my new county, although I still wish I was in my old county. Nothing is wrong with the new county. It's just new and I don't like change. Plus, I miss the people in my old county. I've been there for four years. That's a long time.

But I'm adjusting to the new county. Some things are nice, like the fact that I don't have to drive to court anymore, since my new county courthouse is only a block away from my office. And the jail is closer, like a 5 minute drive if you hit all the red lights. So that is nice & saves me a lot of time.

The new county schedules things completely differently than my old county. As a crash course for non-lawyers/lawyers who work in other states with different rules, in MN, a defendant will show up to a first court date & formally be charged. This is called a Rule 5 hearing. They can apply for a PD @ this point in time. The next court date is called a Rule 8 and this is usually the first time I'm with the defendant in court.

So, now that we all know that, back to scheduling differences...so in my old county, the Rule 8 hearing was usually within a week or two of the Rule 5. Pretty soon after they appear at the Rule 5, I will meet them & be in court with them. Makes sense, since people are usually pretty freaked out @ this point in the process and want to talk to their lawyer ASAP.

However, in my new county, I got a new file in mid-January. I popped it open & looked to see when the Rule 8 was scheduled for. I actually had to double check that I had read it correctly because it said the Rule 8 was scheduled for March 25! Wowza, talk about a drastic change of pace! And that tends to be par for the course. If the defendants aren't in custody, the court dates are spread pretty far apart. If they are in custody, the court schedules them right away so they are complying with the timing requirements for in custody people. But otherwise, the court dates are spread out.

This is both good and bad. Good because I have time to focus on immediate needs clients, i.e. those who are in jail awaiting trial. So I have way more time to meet with clients at the jail and deal with them right away. I also have time to meet with out of custody clients more often, since I'm not in court so often. So those things are good. 90% of lawyering takes place outside of the courtroom, so having more non-court time to get things done is helpful, because then when I am in court, I am always well-prepared and ready to go. I think the only continuance requests I have had to make were for cases that I took over for another lawyer and the trial date was like a week away when I got the file.

The bad? I forget who my clients are and/or what the case is about. I see a court date that is a month and a half away & I read the complaint & put the file away. Then I don't think about it again for a long time because the court date isn't for awhile. So, I get phone calls from people and I think, "Who? Is this my client?" Or I see the file in my drawer & can't remember what the case is about. So that is a bit frustrating. But that is really just my brain being forgetful...

Semi-related but not really: since court is so close, I can walk there now. But that creates the issue of my pant hems dragging in the slush and snow and salt. Which is a great way to ruin dress pants. So, in the pair of pants that I sewed, I solved the problem with some fancy snap cuffs.

On the inside of the pants near the bottom, I sewed two snaps, one on each side along the seams. They are basically invisible from the outside. But, when I need to go walk outside and it's gross outside, I can just snap the cuffs up so they don't drag in the slush. It beats rolling them up, since they always unroll as you walk, or stuffing them in your boots, because they get all wrinkled at the bottom. Snap cuffs! Why hasn't anyone figured this out before?

Sewing master

I made pants! My first pair I've ever made on my own. I am pretty excited about it.

And I don't normally stick my butt out like that. CB told me to so it would be a funny picture. She is clearly a bad influence.

This. Is. My. Life.

Best public defender website ever!

Still looking and feeling good

Been a week and a half and my nails are still in good shape! Normally they would look like a hot mess by now.

I am also still feeling pretty good on a daily basis. Some days I still feel pretty down but they are happening less and less. It is a nice change of pace from feeling horrible every single day of my life.

I prefer to limit my human interaction

So, I got a new phone recently. It has the talk-and-text feature. You know, where you can talk into the phone instead of typing out a text message.
I think that used to just be called "talking on the phone."

Zombies and Martha Stewart

Guys, I'm running!

Ok, not exactly...but sort of... I found this phone app called Zombies, Run! 5k training. So I decided to check it out. I've done two of the missions (which is what they call workouts). The story has me training inside the base camp in order to be able to go out into the zombie infested world and grab supplies for the survivors. So no zombies yet, since I'm still inside the camp. But, I like this so far because the woman who talks to me through my headphones says things like, "Run slowly" and "Don't push yourself." I can totally get on board with that. I'm awesome at not pushing myself, especially when it comes to exercise. And you can add in your own playlist of music, so the "incoming transmissions" just pop in around your music. In my case, I listened to an episode of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" with Martha Stewart as the guest. She is surprisingly funny. And apparently she loves both Spam and Velveeta (both make me gag).

Also, did you know she dated Anthony Hopkins? And that she broke up with him because she couldn't stop seeing him as Hannibal Lechter? I found that hilarious.

Seriously.

Every freaking morning!!

I'm such a wordsmith

CB and I were talking about the fact that we have double the amount of women working in the office than men. I asked, "So what is the opposite of a sausage fest?"

I decided that the opposite of a sausage fest is a clam jam.

Product review

It's been awhile since I've talked about a product that I like enough to talk about it. But, recently I have become a fan of Sally Hansen gel manicure kit. A coworker and I (Carpool Buddy, aka CB) split the cost of it. It's not terribly spendy but it was more than either of us wanted to pay if it didn't work. There are two versions. One has a mini-LED light and uses nail polish strips. That is about  $30. We got that one. The other one uses actual polish, not strips, and a bigger LED light. That one was like $120. Too much for my budget.
However, they sell replacement items for both the big and little kit. So, we bought a shade of the gel nail polish. CB used the strips and I used the polish. Since I didn't use the strips I'll just talk about the polish.
I freaking love it! I can never seem to wait long enough for my nail polish to dry and I always screw it up. This dries right after you stick your nail under the light, which lasts about 30 seconds! Amazing!
And normally I manage to somehow chip my polish in a day or two, at most. If I put my hands in water for any length of time, it's over. But this has stayed looking nice since I did it on Saturday. AND the picture I'm including in this post is what they look like after I spent an hour with my hands in water while I cleaned the bathroom. They look pristine!
So, I give this two well-manicured thumbs up. I would suggest getting the small kit and if you want to use regular polish, not the strips, buy the individual colors as you need them. Unless the bigger light is really important to you, you can get all the pieces from the big kit (minus the light) as replacement items for cheaper than buying the big kit. So, go with the little one and buy the other pieces separately.

Feeling better

Things have been better recently. Nothing has changed in any significant way but I'm just feeling better on a day to day basis.
Some things have changed, although not massively. I have coworker that I can carpool with now. That helps with the cost of gas and also cuts down on how often I'm alone during the long car rides to and from work, just me and my thoughts. I do most of my ruminating in the car bc it's not like there is much else to do. So cutting down on my alone-with-my-thoughts time has helped, I think.
And it just doesn't hurt so bad anymore. It still hurts. It probably always will at least a little. But it's  not the intense gaping wound it once was. It isn't even as tender as it was a month ago. This kind of wound has to heal from the inside out. It takes awhile for the healing to be visible on the outside, even for me to see it. But it is starting to feel like maybe the healing will be visible soon.
It feels good to feel better. Not 100% but working  my way there.

This is totally a win

So today I was scheduled to start my first jury trial in my new county. And it was against the county attorney, the head honcho of the county prosecution. It was a serious charge . 2nd degree drug sale. My client was looking at 96 months in prison if we lost.

But we had a really good case. Well, actually, the state had a really terrible case. So we were going to trial and I was going to have fun ripping apart a witness and an officer on the stand during cross exam.

So, we arrived this morning to do motions in limine (these are motions each side makes right before trial, asking for certain things to be allowed in the trial or not in. It can make a big difference in what sort of evidence can be presented and how.). I had many. The state had five. But four of those five, if they got them, would severely hamper my ability to attack the witness and would radically change the case. I had to make sure that the state didn't get what they were asking for.

I also had to make sure I got all mine granted, because I wanted to severely limit what the cop was going to be allowed to say. The more I could limit the cop from testifying about things he shouldn't, the stronger my trial arguments would be. So this was an important hearing on these motions.

State went first & made their arguments. I got a chance to respond to their arguments.

Court denied the first state motion. Score! And then, the second. And then the third! And then then fourth!! The fifth wasn't that important so I wasn't concerned with that one. But I was flying high after successfully arguing for the court to deny those four motions. My trial arguments were saved!

Then, my turn. I had seven highly important ones and some boilerplate ones. I started my arguments. State had a chance to respond. Then the court granted my first motion. Then the second. And third. And four, five, and six. He deferred making a ruling on seven for the time being.

Holy balls, I had just swept the hearing! I won on everything! I could hardly contain my excitement. I thought my arguments were good and solid but I didn't expect to get everything. Awesome possum!

So then we took a break for the morning. I met with my client to tell him what had happened, since most people drift off during this portion of their trial because it's lot of legal jargon and lawyers yakking. Then the prosecutor wanted to talk to me.

Turns out that the judge's rulings put a damper on the state's case. A big enough damper that made the state change their offer.

Previous offers were, in order:
51 months in prison (that was the offer for several months)
36 months in prison

Client had rejected both. He didn't want to go to prison.

Today's offer? 1 year in jail with credit for three months already served. Since Minnesota only has you only serve two-thirds of your time, the year becomes 8 months. Minus the 3 he already has done means he would have about 5 months in local jail, close to his family, with work release privileges.

Client ultimately decided to take the offer, since he was risking a conviction on a 96 month charge if we had lost. But the change to 5 months of local jail was enough to sway him.

We didn't try the case, but we didn't have to. The motion hearing sweep was enough to cause the state to change the offer to something my client was happy with.

He thanked me several times, saying I was the best public defender he had ever had and that even if we had gone to trial & lost, he would know that I had done what I could to help him. He said he knew I had been working really hard for him and he was really glad he had me. I had to laugh when he told me that some of his family had asked him if he would be ok with a public defender on his case and he told them that he "loved" his lawyer and that I was "busting my ass" on his case. He said, "My family and I are gonna be sending you a card or something. You did great. Thank you so so so much."

It never ceases to amaze me how much it means to people to have someone in their corner. Even if they are guilty, it always boils down to the same thing: they want to know that someone is on their side and willing to fight for them. All too often, no one has ever stood up and fought for them. And not only to fight for them, but to do it in a public forum, vehemently arguing the case in front of a courtroom full of people. I'm proud to be the person standing next to them and arguing their case against the world. They feel like everyone is out to get them and that they can't win no matter what. And having someone to do the fighting with them and for them means they walk away from the court experience feeling like they got a fair chance and they had their own soldier in the fight.

It was a good day. A trial win would have been nice. But I'm still calling this one a win. Obviously the state was so scared they just chickened out.

Anxiety FTW*!!!

If I have any skills as a lawyer, my best one would be an insane obsession for detail. This is due entirely to my anxiety about looking like an idiot. I obsessively prep & organize, lest I forget something in court w/ everyone watching. Shudder...

This works well for my clients. They think I'm diligent. They don't know I am a hot anxious mess in my head. And this obsessive fear means I pore through the file again and again and again, noticing every detail.

I have caught errors in lab kit numbers. I have gone frame by frame through a video the prosecutor said he wasn't using bc it was "useless." I used it bc I went slowly through each frame. I have spotted tiny inconsistencies & pounded on them @ trial. I am terrified of looking dumb so I make sure I have all my ducks in a row to lessen the possibility of screwing up.

At least for once in my life my extreme anxiety has a good use. Who would have guessed that having social anxiety would make me a better lawyer?

*FTW means "for the win."

This happens literally every morning

Why you should never help police (even when you're innocent)

All too often people willingly give up their rights bc they erroneously believe that those rights only apply to criminals. Let me clarify: they apply to innocent people too and you should guard them jealously. Here is why this is so important...
A. Do not agree to give a DNA sample. Ever. Do not fall for the "rule yourself out" line. If they need to ask for your consent it is likely that they do not have enough to apply for a search warrant. If they do have enough then make them go get one. Think DNA is always correct? Wrong. Those labs are operated by humans who make mistakes. I'm not talking theoretical. Labs have an "unexpected results" log where they keep track of problem results. This includes cross-contamination in the results and sometimes that contamination is the testing scientist's own DNA. This happens more often than people realize. If you give a DNA sample you introduce your DNA into the lab where it may end up mixed with some evidence. And once it's mixed it can't be unmixed. Do not risk it. Make them get a warrant.
B. Crime labs are not perfect. Google "Saint Paul crime lab" for one example of awfulness.
C. Talking to police w/o a lawyer is a bad idea even when you're innocent. Say you were driving your red sedan on Main on Monday by the local Target. You are a white guy with a blue sweatshirt and blond hair. You are stopped by police a day later and they ask where you were on Monday. You did nothing wrong so you tell the police where you were. But you don't know that on Monday a white guy w/ blond hair and a black sweatshirt was reported as robbing the Target of on Main. He drove away in a red car. Oops. Looks like you just made yourself a suspect despite not doing anything. Next thing you know you are in a line-up. Oh and eyewitness identification is really unreliable so you are ID'd by the witness. So don't talk yourself into a bad spot. If police want to talk to you the magic word is "lawyer." Use it.
D. Do not let them search your car, purse, bags, etc. A MN woman was charged w/ drug possession when police found an aspirin in her car. Don't do that to yourself. Again make them get a warrant.
E. If you are in an interrogation room or in a room at the police station you are almost certainly a suspect so don't talk. "Lawyer."
Rights are for everyone. Innocent people should use them and realize they are there to protect them. Do not give them up!

I made this

I made myself a bag for carrying my files to court. I have always had the problem where the straps break off due to carrying many files. So I made a bag with straps that go all the way under the bottom. Then my co worker asked me to make her one. So I did! Hers is a bit more fancy since it has a detachable inside purse/pocket. I'm happy with the way this came out!

My paperback is here!

So cool to see it in print.

And he shall be called Grunter

I had to take Ward to the vet the other day bc he was having some trouble w/ his eye. The vet said he also sounded a little congested as well. While the tech was holding him and the vet was checking him out, Ward started to make a couple soft grunting noises that sounded like he was having trouble breathing.
The vet paused and looked slightly concerned. "Is that a normal noise for him?" she asked  me, listening more intensely to his grunting.
"Yep," I replied, "That's his 'I'm unhappy, stop it, I don't like what you're doing' noise." I hear this often when I have to administer medicine, clean his teeth, or basically make Ward do anything besides take a nap, so I don't really even notice it anymore.
The vet frowned in confusion and said, "He grunts like that when he's unhappy or uncomfortable? Cats aren't normally grunters."
"Well, he is a pretty tame guy," I explained, "He isn't one to ever bite or scratch at all when he doesn't like what is happening. He just grunts like that."
The tech grinned, as she was the one holding Ward in place as the vet poked and prodded and messed around with his eyes and congested little nose, and she would be the one who would most likely end up being bitten or scratched if Ward were to try either of those.  She said, "I'll take a grunting cat any day!"
Then the vet had to take Ward's temp. My grunting cat quickly became my pitiful yowling cat. Still no biting or scratching, but a simple grunt was insufficient to express his unhappiness w/ this procedure. Poor Wardy...
Got some eye drops (and some treats after surviving the temp-taking) and we were on our way home. And since Ward hates car rides, he grunted the whole way home. That's my boy!

Look what's available at Amazon

The paperback version of my book!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1482346966?ie=UTF8&force-full-site=1&ref_=aw_bottom_links
You know you want it.

Um, no.

Every great once in awhile, I will run into a prosecutor who doesn't seem to totally understand how the rules of discovery work in a criminal case. Maybe it's because they don't do criminal work as their main focus?? I don't know? Thankfully, these prosecutors are very rare, and I've only run into them maybe 3 times total my whole legal career, but I always come away thinking to myself, "Um, so, no..." 

Here's the basic situation that I'm talking about. Say, for example, I am representing a client who is charged with violating a harassment restraining order. In the discovery that the prosecutor sends to me, I will find the police reports, a copy of the ticket or the complaint, and maybe a CD that contains the audio recordings of the interviews with the involved people. What I will not have is a copy of the actual harassment restraining order. Which is kind of an important thing in a case where supposedly my guy violated that order. 

When we get to court, I'll either move to dismiss for lack of probable cause (because, helloooo, the state has not provided any evidence of an actual harassment restraining order being in existence) or move to compel discovery of the order. It depends on what stage of the proceedings we're in. Keep in mind, by this time, I will have already asked for all the relevant discovery in a letter that was sent to the prosecutor's office. 

The response from the prosecutor will be that the harassment restraining order is available in the court file and that it is available to me so I need to go to the court administrator's office and get a copy for myself and my client. But, that's not the way it's supposed to work. 

See, as the defense attorney, I'm not supposed to go out finding things that hurt my client's case. And if I know of the existence of information that will hurt my client and/or the case, I'm supposed to keep my damn mouth shut--that's that whole "attorney-client privilege" thing. People don't really love that whole idea that a client can tell me, "Hey, I killed like 62 people and I've got all their bodies buried under my front porch!" and I have to take that shit to the grave with me, but that's the way the whole thing works*. So while the order is accessible to me if I went to the court admin office and asked for it, that's the exact opposite of what I should be doing for my client. So, no, I'm not going to go get it. 

I'm the defense. I don't have to prove anything. I can sit on my butt during a trial and do absolutely nothing if I want. That would likely not be the best trial strategy, but technically, I could. You, dear prosecutor, have the burden of proving my client broke the law. In this hypothetical example, that means you have to prove that there was a valid order in existence and the rules of evidence require that you present at trial a certified copy of said order. And the rules of criminal procedure require that if you're planning on using some sort of evidence at trial, you have to disclose it to the defense attorney before trial. Which means, you, as the prosecutor, must get a copy of the order from court admin yourself and you must have your staff make a copy of that order and then you must have it sent to me as the defense attorney.  You are not allowed to just tell me to go get it myself. Well, I suppose you could, but I would then object to that evidence coming in at trial because you failed to properly disclose it, and then you would likely end up losing the trial because you don't have the evidence you need to prove that the order ever existed. 

So, please, don't tell me that I can or should get it myself from court admin or ask me, "What? Do you need me to send you a copy of this?" or something else along those lines. It's really your call, but if you plan on using it against my client, you can't unless you're going to disclose it.  



*Fun fact: if the person told me they had 62 alive people in their basement that they were planning on killing at some point in time, I would then have the option of reporting that to police and breaking attorney-client privilege in order to prevent substantial bodily harm or death to those people, but I'm not required to do so.  It would be my choice if I wanted to tell the police. However, if the people are already dead, then they can't suffer any substantial bodily harm or death, so the damage is already done and I am not allowed to ever say anything to anyone. Crazy, huh? 

Life updates

Things are definitely in a state of flux. The management at work is completely changing. Big Apple retired, Chief starts a new job on March 1st and Golf is the new interim manager. So, that is a whole lot of change at work. It sounds like Chief's position won't be filled until May.
Also at work: many contested hearings. I had a lot of those in my old county but it looks like I'm on pace to have even more in my new county. Which is exhausting. So many briefs to write. So many motions to file. ugh.
My step-dad's condition has gone from crappy to extra-crappy. As if the clot in his femoral artery and the pulmonary embolism weren't bad enough, he then had his lung fill up with fluid, which required surgery on Monday. They cleaned it all out and he was recovering in the hospital when he took a turn for the worse by Friday and was bleeding internally. They went back in and found a torn artery. I'm not even sure how that happens.
I started writing my next book. It won't be done for awhile, but the title is "Depression-Flavored Mouthwash."
That's all for now.

Today's the day!

My book is available now as a paperback! Woohoo!

It's available for order now at: https://www.createspace.com/4157616

In about a week, it will also be available on Amazon.com.  

So cool! 

Well, now I feel kind of cool

Amazon sent me a tax document that looks like a W-2. Except instead of "wages" it said "royalties."
Royalties!!
That feels kind of neat to see that.
Which reminds me...if you wanted to read my book but didn't have a kindle and/or don't like to read on tablets or phones or whatever and/or you just prefer to have a real, actual book, you'll be glad to know that my book will soon be available as a paperback.
And I'm working on my next book.

This is weird

This is a real picture I took as I was walking back from the courthouse to my office.  I don't even understand what this is.  I've named it "Flamingo Graveyard" because apparently it's where plastic lawn flamingos go to die.  It's also the side of a church, so a graveyard seems fitting. 

Seriously.  What is going on?

I like my job on days like today

I have a client who needs absolutely needs an advocate. And a lot of help in all areas of their life, not just the criminal charges.
I spent just over an hour in the prosecutor's office this afternoon, working on a deal. We were able to agree on a deal that will keep my client out of prison and help them with getting on a better path in the future.
I like being able to use my awesome powers of persuasion to work out great resolutions for my clients' cases. Of course, my "powers of persuasion" sometimes just constists of me whining a lot and wheedling the prosecutors until they relent just to shut me up. But hey, whatever works, right?
Days like today make me feel good.

WINNING! (as Charlie Sheen would say)

Got an order on two of my cases today--dismissed for lack of probable cause on both.

I love that word--"dismissed."  It's like a fancy way of saying, "You win, Defense." I love winning. It doesn't happen all that often on the defense side of things, so it's magical when it does. 

Weeee!!  Good way to start my week. 

Sludge

So, you know that saying "Into each life some rain must fall?"  I think I'm the reverse of that--into my life some sunshine must fall.
The saying implies that life is generally happy but that some bad things inevitably must occur. But with me, it's the opposite. Life is generally crappy but inevitably some good things happen. But good things are the exception, not the rule.
I used to find some comfort in church and my crazy meds, but lately those don't seem to be doing much for me. I'm able to laugh and joke and have fun at times, but it's just a temporary distraction. I'm quickly back to feeling like I'm treading through sludge, barely able to do much beyond the absolutely needed tasks.

The past comes back again

I've been dismarried for over two weeks now (has it really been that long??). He and I had a brief email exchange a few days after it became final, which consisted of me telling him he did not need to pretend to want to talk to me anymore since the divorce was completed. I assumed he was being friendly so I didn't try to exact revenge in the divorce (which made me upset because I had been very gracious, all things considered) and told him he could stop now. He responded that he had talked to me bc he wanted to, not out of concern of being screwed in the divorce.

I'm not sure what this says about my life

The two biggest high points of my day today were managing to pull off wearing a cardigan instead of a suitcoat in court this morning and having the gas pump stop on $32.00 even without even trying.

I'm not even going to deny it

I freaking love "Thrift Shop" by Macklamore.
I find it awesome to hear a rap about shopping at Goodwill, since most rappers talk about how rich they are and how much bling they have.

For everything there is a season (but that doesn't mean I have to like it)

They say the only thing constant in life is change. For me, that is problematic. I'm not a big fan of change.

I wouldn't say I hate change. I don't hate change in general. I hate change I have no say in, change that I can't control, change that is thrust upon me with no warning and without my input in it. Change that I am choosing is fine. I'm a control freak and I hate not feeling in control.

Everything seems to be in transition lately. I'm not happy with it. I don't have time to adjust to one change before another comes along. I will be the first to admit I am a huge baby and I usually have to be dragged through change, kicking and screaming. And when they continually come one after another, I get cranky. And unhappy.

Too many changes at once make me feel stressed and anxious and crabby. I just got dismarried (a term recently suggested by a reader as an alternative to "divorced" since I can't bring myself to say it) and I'm trying to deal with that without constantly turning into a bawling mess, I'm trying to adjust to being moved to a new county and a new court, and there are even more changes coming at work. I'm left w/ very few things that aren't in some sort of transition.

This means I'm one cranky, crabby, unhappy, miserable girl. I can't seem to get my bearings on one aspect of my life before something else shifts. I don't like it. I don't enjoy constantly feeling like things are out of my control and I have no ability to do anything but keep my head down and try to make it through.

Basically, I'm an enormous ball of unhappiness right now. Moreso than usual.

Well that's good to know

Let's say you are mad and decide to choke/strangle someone. Not enough to cause them to black out or suffer any substantial bodily harm. Just a good ol' choking to let out your frustrations with them. And in this scenario, you are in Minnesota.
If you choke a "household or family member" (meaning anyone who you live with, have a kid with, are married to, had a significant sexual or romantic relationship with, etc.) then you will be charged w/ Felony Domestic Assault by Strangulation.
If you choke a stranger, your annoying co-worker, your kid's teacher, your friend, or anyone who isn't a family or household member, you will be charged w/ a Misdemeanor Fifth Degree Assault.
That misdemeanor could be knocked down to a disorderly conduct if it's a first offense. That's pretty much nothing.
So, the lesson here is only strangle friends, co-workers, or total strangers.
Thanks, silly Minnesota laws!

I'm old

I used to wear high heels all the time. In college, I used to go dancing in pointy-toe stiletto heels every weekend with no problem.
Yesterday I wore a round toe short heel to work. By the time I got home, I could barely walk because my feet hurt.
Sigh...

I'm unvarnished and people hate that

Now that I'm not married ( I still have trouble saying "I'm divorced.") people keep saying things like, "Now you can decide who you're going to be from this point on." Or things to that effect. My bishop (for you non-Mormons, the bishop is like a pastor of the local congregation) asked me what Version 3.0 of myself is going to be.
I find this confusing. I wasn't a vastly different person while married. I was certainly happier, but I didn't become a whole new person.
The other wrinkle in this is that everyone also keeps telling me not to let this make me bitter or cynical or pessimistic. Which makes me want to ask, "Have you met me before?" Those are kind of my key characteristics. They are the reason I have such charm (har har har).

It's safe to say most women would not appreciate this...

I find the most disturbing part of this story that, not only did this lawyer have sex with his client, he then BILLED her for it! Insanity...
http://m.twincities.com/twincities/db_39164/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=DOPbyP8h

Extra fun

I'm sick. How awesome. Spent all weekend feeling both emotionally and physically crappy. Had to miss a baby shower and birthday party on Saturday. Missing work today.
My life is a ball of fun.
Okay, back to bed. Hopefully sleep and orange juice will improve things.

At least I haven't lost my biting sarcasm

Text conversation with my friend:
Me: I'm so depressed. I wish I were dead so I could have some of those rewards in the next life (I'm not suicidal. I would not hurt or kill myself. This was a reference to an earlier conversation we had had, discussing how it is often discussed at church when going through hard times, to remember that there well be rewards in the next life, which I always thought sounded like an incentive for people to commit suicide. No need to be concerned.)
Friend: Will you stop taking like that? You're freaking me out. You're not looking at your clue board as a game plan are you? (She missed the reference, I guess.)
Me: Don't worry. I'd never kill myself. Ward and Hubert would run out of food and then eat my corpse and that is too creepy for words.
Yes folks, even in the midst of great sadness, my inner smart-ass still survives and cracks dark-humored jokes.

The Way Things Are

This was not how I wanted things to go. But very rarely does life ever give me what I want. In fact, usually if I want it, it either won't happen or it gets taken away. That is the way things have often seemed to go.
The finality at least means it's over now, although not the way I wanted. The uncertainty was painful. Having an end is also painful. But pain is something I'm very familiar with. I'm not sure I know what it is like to live without pain.
This has left me with scars, with wounds that will stop hurting so bad but will never heal. People tell me I'll meet someone else, but I won't. Because I won't ever open my heart again. I refuse to allow this to happen again and this experience has shown me that no matter how much you think you know someone, you don't. No one can be trusted enough to give my heart away again.
In my life, ever since I was a child, people have left me. Family has been an elusive concept. I have always worried I would never find a stable family; now I know that is true. No one stays, so I see no reason to form relationships with the expectation of longevity. For me, it's not a reality.
No man is an island, but I'm pretty close.

Well, it's official

As of today, I'm no longer married.
Damn, that still hurts like a bitch even though I knew it was coming.

Oh Law & Order: SVU, you're so silly

I love L&O:SVU but sometimes they are so off-base it's silly. This particular episode is ridiculously full of errors it's insanity.
1. Judge sustained an objection for leading on cross-exam. In real life, leading questions are the whole point of cross-exam.
2. Just as the judge in criminal court was about to accept a plea bargain, a lawyer who represented the victim walked in and handed the judge a restraining order from civil court barring the judge from accepting the plea and ordering all the criminal court parties (including the judge) to appear in civil court the next day. Say whaaaaaaaaa? That makes zero sense! For one, it would be an injunction, not a restraining order, or possibly a writ of prohibition, but not a restraining order. For two, what the what? A judge who isn't a higher court judge ordering another judge how to do their job? Not happening.
Oh, silly script writers...maybe ask a lawyer about stuff...

Relaxing in bliss

I'm going to be sad going back to work next week. I've so enjoyed my relaxation vacation. Sewing, reading, doing projects... I'm so blissfully relaxed. And I've absolutely loved the daily afternoon nap I've been able to have. I sometimes forget how much I love naps.
Oh yeah, and I'm going to make banana bread.
I love vacations.

2013

i am typing this on my kindle so we shall see how this works out...could be rather interesting...

So it's 2013 now. 2012 had a lot of crap moment in it. and by moments i mean months. But whatev. It is finally over and I have high hopes for this new year. Things can only get better, right? I sure hope so.

I am still on vacation this week. It has been super relaxing. i have been able to finally sew a skirt i have been wanting to sew forever and now i am making myself a new court bag. I have been able to get some household projects finished after living here for like six months. And i have been abl to spend lots of time napping with my kitties. If you ask them, that is the most important thing I have done. If i can finish my court bag in time I would like to start on another project while I have the time. I love sewing but I am still slow at it so it takes me awhile. but I love it!

Ok Hubert is getting all up in my face so it is time to go.

Sometimes "justice" doesn't feel very just...

http://m.twincities.com/twincities/db_39829/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=jnn2OvWr
I think this is completely unnecessary. If you don't want to click the link, the nutshell version is that a 4 year old got his hands on an improperly stored and loaded gun and accidentally shot and killed his two year old brother. Now the state has charged the father w/manslaughter and endangering a child, both felonies, because the father didn't store his guns properly (he apparently had a small arsenal of guns in the home).
Yes, I get it: he should have stored the guns in a safe way so the children could not have accessed them. If he had, the child would still be alive. But, I'm sure he already knows that, seeing as how he has lost his son. I'm sure that he is struggling w/ unimaginable grief and pain and, yes, even guilt and regret. He is paying for his bad decisions in the most excruciating way possible, by burying his tiny son. How does charging this man do any good?
He is now looking at two felonies, including prison time, despite never having any previous criminal convictions. He is dealing with the loss of his son, he and his family are reeling from this tragedy, and now he and his family have to deal with the stress and strain of criminal charges.
Why do this? It doesn't bring the child back. Assuming he and his wife are still together, it won't help the victim's family feel closure but will only further tear the family apart if he is sent to prison. I doubt it will "correct" any "criminal" behavior in this guy, since it doesn't appear he has criminal predilections (given his lack of criminal history) but rather lacks judgment skills. And I would guess that he won't ever store his guns in this manner again. So what purpose does charging him serve? Prosecutors have  the power and ability to use discretion in charging cases. Maybe as a defense attorney, I'm missing something that a prosecutor would see that puts a different light on this. But I just don't get why some prosecutorial discretion wasn't used to say, "You know what? He is going to be paying for his decisions for the rest of his life. Criminal charges won't correct, cure, vindicate, or help this situation one bit."
Like I said, maybe I'm not seeing something. But putting aside my "lawyer" hat and viewing this simply as a regular person with a heart, I still don't get it.

How to understand Minnesotans

We don't like to brag or complain, so we keep it neutral. In case you are in the area for the holidays and need to know what is going on, here is a quick one-question guide.
Question: "How are you?"
Answers:
"Not too bad" = everything is going okay, no concerns
"I'm doing okay" = meh, things could be better
"Hanging in there" = things are really bad right now
"Pretty good" = really great
"Really good" = just won the lottery

Merry Christmas!

Hope all your holidays are filled with naps, kitties, family, food, joy, happiness, peace, and everything else you are dreaming of this season.
Xoxo,
PDgirl, Hubert, and Ward

PD life.

We have a new PD at the office. I was very sad that my office bestie didn't get the job, bc she is remarkably awesome and hilarious and I love having her around. But the newest addition to our office family is also very nice and friendly. She is a new attorney, fresh out of law school, and around my age. Plus, she actually drives right by my place on her drive into work, so we have been able to carpool a couple days of the week the last couple weeks. My gas tank and my wallet are very happy with this. Maybe I won't have to pay for gas with quarters now. Yes!

I've got my year-end recharge vacay coming up very soon. Only have the rest of the week and then I'm off. There will be lots of sleeping in, visiting family and friends, relaxing, and doing things I never make time for, like sewing and drawing. I'm really looking forward to it. Sometimes I just need to let my brain relax and watch bad reality tv for awhile to refresh and avoid getting burnt out. This job can be mentally exhausting. Dealing with bad situations, terrible things at times, and difficult clients can take a lot out of you. I love my job, but sometimes I need to take a break from all the seriousness and not be immersed in crime all day.

Oh, and Ward has become a total whiny cling-on lately, meowing and crying if I'm not immediately nearby him. So, I'll have to spend some time with the kitties too. Whiners...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm being transferred at work to a different county than the one I've been in for the last 2 years. I'm actually pretty sad about the move.  I like the county that I work in and I'm sad that I will have to change. Plus, I hate change with a passion. I hate having to meet new people and I hate having to be in new situations where I don't know what's expected... Every court has its own idiosyncrasies and I hate not knowing what those are when I am in court.  After you've been in court for awhile in a certain area, you get used to what to expect and what the judges are like and how things operate...but, I'm going to be tossed into a new environment and have to learn this new court's processes.  Sigh... Plus, I have to say goodbye to all the awesome people at my current county!  That makes me sad, too.  A couple of the court clerks have asked me if it is true I'm moving and said that they hoped I'd be back soon because they liked having me there.  That was really nice to hear.  And I'll miss the prosecutors, too, since I genuinely like and get along w/ all of them.  I'd consider them all friends, so I am sad to have to leave.

I don't think that is what that word means...

Police report: "I observed latent footprints throughout the scene which had a distinctive tread pattern."

Latent: present but not visible, apparent, or actualized

Oops.

Overheard

While sitting in the hall lobby of church, I overheard the following conversation between a dad and his two year old daughter.
Daughter: I wanna go in the hall.
Dad: We are in the hall.
Daughter: But I wanna go in the hall.
Dad: I know. We are in the hall.
Daughter: Can we go in the hall? I wanna be in the hall.
Dad: (sigh) We are already in the hall. See? We are already here. We're in the hall. Right now, we are in the hall.
Daughter: Can we go in the hall?
Dad: (sigh, no response)
Daughter: (very excited) We're in the hall!!!
Dad: I know, that's what I've been saying...
Daughter: Daddy, do you know what? We're in the hall.
Bwahaha!! Kids are hilarious sometimes. A conversation between an adult and a two year old is delightful to overhear.

Sounds about right

A prosecutor today said to me that he was only going to call people by their last name and then starting calling anyone around him by their last name. (He was in a silly mood). So, I immediately informed if that was the new thing he was doing, I was changing my last name to Murderawesome.

Oh you fancy, huh?

After a little more than 3 1/2 years, I've changed offices. I got to  take an office that is slightly bigger office than my old office AND my new office has windows! I'm liking it. Moving my stuff sucked, but whatev. I'm big time now, with my windows.  Baller, baby!

Here is what I did this weekend

So, my step-dad went back in the hospital again and then back out. It's an ongoing debacle with his health right now. Blood too thick, then too thin, clots, pneumonia, necrotic section of his lung...it's a mess. But he is hanging on, so that is good. But he looks terrible. He is definitely struggling.
Other than that, Thanksgiving went well. It was small, just me and my mom, step-dad, my brothers, and a couple other people. But it was laid back, which was nice. I went over to my mom's place the night before and had a nervous-then-later-funny experience.
When I got to the house, the radio in the kitchen was on and it looked like Mom was in the middle of making something, but she wasn't there. I asked my brother where she was and he said she went to the store. But her car was still in the driveway, so I called her cell to find out where she was at and how long she would be. Then her phone rang in the kitchen. I went into the kitchen again and realized her cell phone, her purse, her wallet and her keys were all still on the kitchen table. So, at this point, I was getting concerned. I went outside and noticed there were wet tire tracks in the driveway. Out of an abundance of caution, I used my cell phone camera to take pictures of the tracks (and no, they weren't mine...I parked on the street).  I figured it couldn't hurt to have pics since they would eventually evaporate.
Turns out my mom had cash and had walked (in the dark) to the store. She made fun of me for taking pics but I reminded her that if something HAD happened to her, she should be glad I'd taken them. She kept calling me CSI all night. I told her it was her fault for leaving and making it look like an episode of Forensic Files.
So that is our funny story for this holiday season.

Actual conversation

Me: Just because they have a biological specimen doesn't mean that they can pull a useable DNA sample from it.
Other attorney: Really? I didn't know that. Where did you learn that?
Me: CSI.

At some point, I should think about looking into this concept of growing up

My step dad is out of the hospital. They were able to shrink the massive clot in his lung enough for him to be released. He is still really fragile, weak, and very ill, but no longer on the verge of death. The icu dr said if he had waited even one more day, the clot would have moved to his heart and likely killed him. It moved that way while he was in the icu but they were able to do something about it. Had he not been there, it would have been a different situation.
Still not divorced yet. We have talked about the last of the details so I'm expecting to get the papers every day that I open my mailbox but so far, nothing. So, I'm still waiting on that.
As usual, I once again was the epitome of maturity as I waited in the courtroom for my turn and listened to the prosecutor give an offer of the facts the state would intend to prove at trial. It was a case where apparently a witness statement included the term "pee pee" and as a result, the prosecutor repeatedly had to say "pee pee." There was something too hilarious about a 48 year old man who is extremely intelligent and very professional saying "pee pee" over and over again. I had a serious case of the church giggles over it. After the hearing was done, I said to him, "Hehehe, I heard you say 'pee pee.' Hehehe." To which he grinned and replied, "I know!" So there you go...your public defender may be silently holding in her giggling at the most immature and ridiculous things. You just never know. Can you believe they gave me a law degree? Ahahaha, I'm hearing him say "pee pee" in my head as I'm writing this and it's making me giggle again.
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same sh*t, different day. Just me, Ward, and dumb baby Hubert doing what we do, living the thug life.
Which of course means watching Sister Wives and taking a nap. Because seriously...wtf, Sister Wives? W.T.F.?

Stupid Dumb Baby

Hubert has decided that his new favorite thing to do is to sneak into the bathroom, pull the tampon wrappers out of the garbage and run around the house with them.
Sigh...
I suppose I should be glad that it's only the wrappers and not anying else. But it's still annoying to find tampon wrappers all over the house.
Stupid dumb baby cat.

Funny work moment

Today was my office day. I spent the morning watching interrogation videos on a couple of cases. My co-worker came in during two different videos. The second time he came in, he asked, "So, are you just going to sit in here and watch movies all day?"

Bwahaha!

Knock it off any time, Universe

So my step-dad is in the ICU now. He has massive blood clots in his femoral artery and his lung. The one in his lung has started moving towards his heart. I'm hoping he will be okay.
I'm officially at my end point. I cannot handle one more emotional or stressful event. I'm about ready to just give up on everything. My practical side won't let me not work or pay rent, etc. but I'm basically turning into a robot. I've started to resign myself to the fact that I will never be truly happy and I'm simply going through the motions, waiting to die one day. My brain and emotions can't handle anything more.

Just call me Little Miss Sunshine

So I think that knowing that feeling mildly unhappy each day is not normal actually makes me feel more unhappy, if that is possible. It's like when you're a kid and you don't know you've got some cut or scrape till someone asks about it and then it suddenly starts hurting now that you are aware of it.
Now it's like, "Great, everyone else is feeling happy and content, not mildly unhappy like I always thought. That is not fair. Why can't I feel like that? Oh right, the depression. Well, that's not fair, either." (Insert grumpy sigh here).
Apparently, atypical depression responds well to MAOIs. They apparently have the best success for treating it. And they can't be mixed with pretty much every other med I'm on. So that is fun.
So in sum, I'm a barrel of sunshine lately.

Friend is a Four-Letter Word

To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
When I go fishing
For the words
I am wishing
You would say to me
I'm really only praying
That the words you'll soon be saying
Might betray
The way
You feel about me.
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
- Friend is a Four-Letter Word by Cake

Well, balls...and here I thought that was just my personality

My counselor mentioned that he thought I might have dysthymia.  I didn't know exactly what that was, so I was looking it up after my last appointment.  It didn't sound like a really great fit for my situation, since I'm not always unhappy.  In fact, I'm perfectly capable of having a good time if there's something enjoyable going on around me.  I'm not incapable of having fun or laughing or having good days.  It's just that most of the time, I don't see what there is to get all excited about on a day to day basis.  I mean, let's be honest--life kind of sucks hard more often than not.  So, why would I get up every day and be all chipper and excited for the day when I'm going to just get up, go to work, go home, and repeat?  It's not like that's super awesome or something.  It just is what it is.  

But apparently, that's not normal.  Well, that's news to me...I thought I was just as normal as everyone else.  Sure, I'm aware I'm more cynical than most people, but I always assumed that is because I'm not delusional.  I didn't know that my opinion that most days are boring, uneventful, and sucky was not a routine feeling.  I guess it was enough to make my therapist think I might have dysthymia.  But, again, that didn't sound like a totally accurate fit for me.

And then I ran into this:

Yay!

Obama wins!
Now just waiting to see about the marriage amendment and voter ID amendment.

Short & sweet

I'm going to see Flight tonight. It looks awesome. And Denzel is pretty good looking.
YKW and I have a phone conference on Monday to discuss the incorrect divorce papers. I'm assuming that we will finally get everything corrected and then he can submit the corrections to his lawyer. And then hopefully this whole nightmare can finally be over. I just want to be done. I don't have enough energy anymore and I just want there to be some end to this horrible holding pattern I've been in for more than a year. I don't want to be divorced anymore than I want to be kicked in the head, but if it has to happen, I'd rather get it over with quickly. I don't want to keep waiting for the painful event.
I want a nap.
That is all.

Awesome

Not guilty.
My two favorite words.

Trial machine

Friday: win award for most jury trials in 2012.
Tuesday: start jury trial

Okay, seriously...

Ugh...so, my book is on sale for free through today, apparently. Because when Amazon said Oct. 27 & 28, it really meant Oct. 28 & 29. Glad that is cleared up.

So, in bonus news, if you still want to get a copy, it's still on sale for free through today!

Ugh...

Amazon lied and said my book would be free this weekend but apparently it's not...sorry about that. Stupid technology...

My book is FREE this weekend only!

Still need to get your copy of my book, "They Call Me Ninja Fireballs?"  Well, this weekend there's a free promotion and you can get your very own copy for the low, low price of FREE!  So, snatch it while you can, because the promotion starts Saturday and ends Sunday. 

Awwww, yeah!!!

And now, here's this stuff

I got the "corrected" divorce paperwork today.  Guess what?  Still not correct.  Including--once again--my name.  Even after notifying YKW's attorney that there were errors, there are still errors.  This is never going to be over...ugggghhhhh...  Again, this just continues to drag on and on and on and on...can it just be over?!?!  I just want this to be over... 

gross

So apparently, cats fart.

I've recently learned this fun fact because Hubert has suddenly started to reek.  I switched food for the cats recently since my mom had a ton that her cat wouldn't eat, so she gave it to me to see if my cats would eat it.  And they have been. They seem to like it. And it was free, so bonus!

Except that now Hubert keeps dropping these horrible stink bombs every day. He'll curl up next to me in bed, purring and being all cute and tiny and baby-like (since he is only about 5 months old now), and then suddenly it will smell like death. They are totally silent but they are the worst thing I've ever smelled. I had no idea cats farted. But holy crap, it's terrible.

So, whatever brand of food this is, we are not using this again. Otherwise I might die from the stench.

That takes a bit of the sting of losing out

I had a contested hearing today. My staff and I worked pretty hard on it (which means my staff did like 98% of the work and then handed all of it to me so I look like I'm on my game in court...man, I freaking LOVE support staff!). But, we didn't win. And of course, that's always at least a little disappointing. It's disappointing even when you know you've haven't got a snowball's chance in hell. Because there is always that tiny part of you that thinks, "Well, maybe..."  I've heard it referred to as trial delusion, since it happens a lot during trial. But I digress...
At any rate, so lost the hearing, which was disappointing, of course. But, my client wanted to talk after the hearing so I met w/ him, thinking he had questions or something. Nope, he just wanted to tell me thank you. And thank you to my staff. He said he knew we had worked hard on the hearing and he was really grateful for the effort we put into it.
Losing sucks, of course, but nothing makes me feel like the work I do matters than when someone says thank you. Especially when we don't get the result that we were hoping for. Because it's easy to be thankful for the attorney who gets the outcome you are hoping for, but it isn't always easy to be pleased when you don't get the result you wanted. So, when clients who don't get the outcome we were aiming for tell me thank you, it means a hell of a lot. And it feels good to give a voice to someone who otherwise may not have one.
And, even the judge said during the hearing (twice!) that I had done a nice job and that I had made compelling arguments. So even though we didn't win, my client felt well-represented and the court acknowledged the work that was put into building my argument. It's nice to know that whether I'm winning or losing, others around me notice when I do good work. It's really stuff like that that makes this job rewarding. Win or lose, I always hope my clients feel like there was someone there to fight for them and to put effort into helping them. And I hope that others recognize the time and effort I put into my cases, trying to be the best advocate I can be and learning how to be a smart and prepared attorney.
It's amazing how much a simple "thank you" can really touch my heart. Especially when it is coming from a client who didn't get the outcome we had hoped for. It takes a bit of the sting out of losing.

Delicious chicken salad

I love this recipe so I am going to share it/have it somewhere that I can find it again. Don't ask me for specific quantities or measurements...this is a recipe that Hat showed me/used to make for me and he never uses measurements.

One can of chicken breast (I use the canned chicken because I'm lazy. You can use chicken that you cook and shred if you want)
1/3 cup mayo
1/3 cup plain yogurt
Chopped green onions
Finely shredded white cheese
Lemon juice-a couple squeezes
Salt
Pepper
Curry seasoning
Old Bay seasoning
Craisins
Cashews

Combine chicken, mayo, and yogurt. Mix well. Add in onions and mix well. Add salt, pepper, and seasonings and mix all together (add this stuff till it tastes good to you). Add the cheese and craisins and mix together. Do not add in the cashews-they will get soggy and gross within a day. Spread the salad on the bread and add a layer of cashews on top before adding the second slice of bread. Tada!

It tastes delicious the first day and even better after the first day when the flavors have time to meld. Mmmmmmmm...

Damn Science...stay out of my job!

During a training today, we discussed forensic science and the need for us, as lawyers, to learn how to understand it.

Damnit! I became a lawyer because I suck at math and science and I have no head for those subjects.  I don't want to have to know science!  I just wanna stand around a courtroom and say, "blah blah blah blah, lawyer-things, big words, big words, yakity yak yak." Now I'm supposed to know science?!

Science, stay in your own field. Quit making me have to learn you!

Double digits!

To date, twelve copies of my book have sold. I'm pretty excited about that. And it's not just people I know, so that is extra cool. I expected like my mom to buy it and that would be it. I didn't expect people to buy it. I just wanted to accomplish something. But people buying it is very exciting!

People I do know say it's really funny. I'm glad to know people think it's funny bc I was worried that it would only be funny to me. It's rather hard to know for sure if what you're writing reads as funny as intended. So I was nervous. But so far, it seems like I did ok.

Proposed change in the laws

I have a pet peeve about current laws re: restraining orders.  If someone has a  restraining order against you, say your former lover who you still have feelings for, you are barred from any interaction w/ them.  Even if they decide they miss you and so they drop in at your home or give you a call. 

The common scenario I run into is a cranky person who abuses the order by only calling police to report a violation when they aren't getting their way in the relationship. They lie and say they had the order dropped or they lull the other person into a false sense of security that they won't report violations since they want contact.

I have even seen cases where the person with the order was calling the guy, inviting him over, and sleeping with him! But when he biked by and waved to her, THEN she called the police. Dumb!

So here is my proposed change to the law. A restraining order implies that someone doesn't want to interact with the other person. So how about the law include an affirmative defense that they initiated contact and thus nullified the order? That way, people who really need the protection, who don't want any contact, are protected still but the law can't be used as a tool for a disgruntled mate.

Just saying.

I know what you're really asking...

"How long have you been practicing?" = "Are you  even old enough to be my lawyer?"

My book is published and ready for the world

Here it is.

My book is done!

My book is officially finished!!

It's currently being reviewed for formatting, etc. by Amazon.com and then it will be available for purchase in approximately 12 hours.  

Nothing more to say

The divorce papers came in the mail.

Things, things, things

My book is coming along at a quick clip. I'm hoping it should be done within the next few weeks. Then it will be ready to make its debut.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for really taking the time to do the work and write a book. Even if no one reads it, at least I did it. I wrote an entire book. So I can cross that off my bucket list when it's finished.
In other news, work has been busy. A lot of contested hearings lately but those are actually pretty fun. I like those. They are like mini-trials but without the hassle of a jury and with much looser rules. And they only take like an hour, instead of several days. The only thing I don't like is having to write a brief afterwards. That isn't really all that fun. But, that's okay.
I think my medicine for my hypersomnia needs to be adjusted again. It's been like 6 or 7 years since the last adjustment. But lately I've been feeling really, really tired again during the day and I'm having trouble doing sedentary activities without falling asleep.  Reading, watching tv, etc. are all starting to become nap sessions, just like in the past. So I have an appt in October with my sleep specialist and I'm guessing I'll need to have my medication levels tweaked. The only concern is that I'm already at a very high dose (80 mgs of Adderall each day) and my specialist doesn't like to put people on any higher dose than 100 mgs/day.  So there isn't much room to adjust. Plus what happens if/when the new dose stops being as effective? I'm only 29. I've got many years left where I will need to be awake and on medication of some kind. What happens if I'm at the top of what can be prescribed? That makes me nervous. I guess technically I can try to work my schedule around my disorder, because it does qualify as a disability.  So my job has to make reasonable accommodations for my disability, which in my case would mean allowing me time to take a nap during the day.  My office has already cleared me for that (although so far I haven't had to use it real often) but I doubt that that would work very well for scheduling court hearings. My sleepiest time of the day is about 1:00-3:00 p.m., which is when a majority of afternoon hearings are scheduled.  So taking a nap during that time would not work at all. 
Hopefully that won't become an issue. I'm hoping that the specialist can adjust my medications so that they keep me awake and alert during the day like they used to do.  That would be ideal. So fingers crossed that that can happen.
Other than that, life is pretty mundane. Same sh*t, different day, as they say. The cats and I are basically just hanging out, doing what we do (which is being killer amazing, of course). Nothing else to report for now.

One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of when YKW told me he wanted a divorce.  Today is the one year mark of the saddest moment of my life. 

One year ago, I could barely breathe because the pain I was in was so intense it was a physical thing.  I bawled every night before bed, hard enough to give myself a headache.  One year ago, I wanted to die just to give my poor heart a reprieve from the agony of losing him.  At times the pain was so overwhelming that I thought I actually might die from heartache.  One year ago, I could not imagine a life without him. I could not imagine ever being happy again.  One year ago, I thought my life was over.  And it came close on many occasions, when I felt like I just could not go on even one more minute.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% better than one year ago. That I picked myself up and never looked back. I wish I could say I never shed anymore tears for him, that I don't care at all about him, and that I'm happier without him.

But, I can't say any of those things. None of those things are true.

What I can say is that, while I do still cry about him (sometimes very hard), those sessions are now much more rare. While I still have days where things feel awful, I have been able to have many happy times.  I can laugh again, and pretty much do every day.  I can have fun again.  While I still care about him and still love him, I don't feel like I need him anymore--just want.  Not need.  While I can't say I'm happier without him, I can say that I have been able to find happiness without him.

I do look back. I do think about what we had and it still makes me sad to have lost him.  My heart is not okay yet.  But, it's trying to be.

Would I feel happier if he said he loved me and wanted to try to work on out marriage? Probably.  He still has my heart, right or wrong.  Would my preference be that we would be together again? Yes. I'd prefer that.  But, even without those things being true, I can still have days that are good and fun and enjoyable.  I can be okay.

We are still married.  He has not yet filed the paperwork for the divorce.  A part of my heart continues to hope that if we aren't divorced, then maybe we can still make things work.  I don't know if it will ever be true or if it's wishful thinking.

I'm grateful for the people who have surrounded me in love and thoughts and prayers over the last year. I have felt more love and care as I have walked this dark path than I ever have in my life.  When I have been too tired to keep going, when my legs have collapsed beneath me, when the desire to keep going has left me, when even the desire to eat has disappeared, when I have fallen under the weight of this emotional burden, when I have felt alone in my grief, people were there to pick me back up, to carry me, to feed me, to help me walk, to grieve with me, to be my strength when I had none left, to take care of me when I didn't care. The love and support I have been surrounded by has been more than I could have ever expected. I would never have survived without the people who have been there for me.

Am I 100% better? No. I'm not even sure I could say that I'm 50% better. But, I am sure that I will get there eventually. And that is much more than I could say one year ago.

Look what I can do!

I can sew stuff.  Like this dress: 

You can tell it's homemade if you look at the part that I totally messed up when I was doing the lining right by the zipper in the back.  Good thing it's just the lining and it's not visible from the outside at all. 

I was pretty pumped that this turned out!  I wanted it to look like it wasn't handmade because I always think that's the litmus test to determine if something is well-made.  If no one can tell it's homemade, then I did a good job on it. 

So far, I've made 2 dresses that are done decently enough so that I don't think they are obviously handmade.  I'm moving on to a suit jacket next.  We'll see if I can make that turn out...that seems much harder.  Because it has sleeves...

This is like your VIP pass

Remember that time I said that I was going to write a book?  I actually am following through on that.  Crazy, huh?  Who would have thought that I would have ever had the ability to actually follow through with something like that.  But, I'm on Chapter 10 of my (hopefully funny) book.  And, just for you, dear Nftmonosyllabicers, I'm going to give you a sneak peek.  I'm going to post one chapter from my book. Hopefully you all like it and think it's funny.  If not, be nice when you're telling me it blows--it's the first time I've ever written anything like this and it's still a rough draft.  Thanks!!

A ridiculous number of cat photos

For whatever reason, the Blogger app on my phone no longer lets me upload photos when I want to write a post.  It always says, "Publish failed" and then I can't post pictures.  I find this insanely frustrating.  In part because I haven't been able to put up any photos of Hubert since I first got him!  And he's adorable so there definitely needs to be more pictures of him on my blog. Be prepared for your face to explode with cuteness overload.

Well, that's a surprise

Recently, a handful of people I know have told me that I'm "easy to talk to."  Given that I have crushing social anxiety (which has eased significantly since I started taking anti-anxiety meds) and find it difficult to talk to people, this has been a surprising description.  I don't know that I would ever have described myself as easy to talk to.
So, what makes someone "easy to talk to?"  I decided to Google it to see what characteristics make someone easy to talk to.  And now I'm more confused...
Popular characteristics included:
-outgoing
-non-judgmental
-warm
-open
-a good listener
-a good conversationalist
-friendly
Looking at those, I am not sure how I fit with those descriptors. Maybe "a good listener," but only bc I'm usually to shy to say much, so the other person can run at the mouth and I will just politely nod bc then I don't have to talk. But all the other ones? I'm not sure about those. Especially the non-judgmental one.  I'm so good at being judgmental that I could win the gold medal at the Judgment Olympics.

Things Not to Say to Your Public Defender

Nftmonosyllabicers, I hope you are never in a position to need a public defender. If you are, that means you are 1) in trouble, whether you should be or not and 2) poor enough to qualify for a public defender. But, if you are ever in need of our services, please keep this list with you so you can easily access things you shouldn't say to your public defender.

1. "So, is this what you're doing until you get a real job?"  Last time I checked, I got a paycheck, benefits, and paid vacation, sick days, and holidays. Pretty sure this counts as a real job.

2. "So I know an attorney and when I talked to him, he told me to tell you that you should (file this motion, request this, do that)."  Oh really? That's fascinating. Go hire that guy, then.

3. "I'm going to have to get a lawyer for this/do I need to get a lawyer for this?"  When you filled out your application for a court-appointed lawyer, did you miss the part about the court appointing you a lawyer? What exactly do you think my role is? If you are confused about me being your lawyer, what do you think my job is?

4. "Marijuana should be legal." Maybe it should, maybe it shouldn't. But, it's not. So, just because you don't like the law doesn't mean that's going to get you out of the charges. Go talk to your legislators, get the law changed, and possess all the marijuana you want. In the meantime, it's still illegal.

5. "I know I did (whatever the charge is), but (someone else tangentially related to the case) did (crime), so why am I in trouble?"  Easy--you got caught.

6. "The cops didn't read me my rights, so this whole thing should be thrown out, right?" The caveat on this that while you should tell your public defender if the police didn't read you your rights, you should not finish that sentence with a assumption that that is an automatic get-out-of-jail-free card. That simply means whatever you said could be suppressed. That doesn't mean they don't have other evidence against you. It's not that easy.

7. "It's just a couple people saying I did that. They don't have any evidence. Let's go to trial." Psssst......at trial, when someone testifies, that counts as evidence. Evidence isn't just DNA and video and tangible things like that. So, when all 10 people testify that they saw you hit that guy with a bar stool, the State doesn't need to get surveillance camera footage from the bar.

8. "I need you to call me (this morning/this afternoon/today/before a certain time today/immediately/right away/before my court hearing today/etc.)."  Most public defenders are in court. A lot. Oftentimes, they are in court all day. If you call, it's extremely unlikely that you will get a phone call back the same day. If you know you won't be able to make it to court, don't call an hour before you're supposed to be there and expect your public defender to be in the office. They are already in court with other clients. When you call, just anticipate that it may take a few days to hear back and call ahead of your deadline.

9. "I have had (other public defender) before and they sucked!" Well, that may be true. But that's my co-worker who I probably get along with so I'm not going to bash them with you.

10. "You guys are bringing these charges against me/you're trying to say I violated probation/(any other statement that groups your public defender's purpose in with the state's or the court's purpose)."  Trust me, we're not connected. Yes  we are all parts of the justice system and yes, the government pays us our wages. But in Minnesota, the counties/cities pay the prosecutors and the state pays public defenders. We aren't working on their side. We don't share files (well the state technically gives us the contents of their files bc it's required by the discovery rules, but they don't share any notes or strategy with us). We aren't trying to get you.

11. "All public defenders are crap." Well, hi! It's nice to meet you too! That statement totally motivates me to work extra hard on your case...

12. "Are you a real attorney?" Yes. In what state is it not illegal to practice law without a law license (or in law school and being supervised by a licensed attorney)?

Ever feel like pulling the covers over your head and going back to bed?

That's kind of how I feel all the time lately. Like I just want to crawl up into bed and sleep the rest of my life. Don't bother waking me up.

Ninja!

I just wrapped up my third trial this summer with the same client. I had one in June, one in July, and one in August. I don't honestly know how I have been doing it, but it's getting done. Although not much else is getting done... I have been in a constant state of catch-up this summer.  This is my Year of the Trial.  I'm starting to wonder if I will end up winning the "Most Jury Trials of 2012" award this year at our annual PD meeting.
At the rate I'm going, I'm either going to be a kick-ass, super experienced trial ninja or I'll be in a persistent vegetative state after my brain turns to complete mush.

The next time someone says we aren't "real" attorneys, I'll just remind them of this:

Two public defenders' work on a case ledto the shutdown of drug testing at a crime lab in St. Paul because of shoddy practices and lack of procedures to ensure integrity of evidence/results.  The lab had been operating for awhile without the huge, glaring problems coming to light until these two started asking questions. As a result of their work and the subsequent testimony elicited at a hearing questioning the evidence in their client's case, the lab's drug testing was shut down by the police chief. Moreover, three counties that used this lab are now offering favorable plea deals to drug defendants that focus on treatment and not on incarceration. These two public defenders managed to assist not only their client, but all defendants with pending and future cases in the affected counties and their work will impact the way this lab operates from now on, ensuring that the integrity of the evidence being used against people is preserved and that convictions are based on solid, reliable evidence.
How's that for being a "real" lawyer?
Way to go, Christine Funk and Lauri Traub!

Pet Peeve of the Day:

When people I haven't spoken to for years send me a message on Facebook wanting me to help them w/ their legal issues.
1. The only area of law I actually know w/any level of proficiency is criminal. Not child support, not divorce, not real estate, not personal injury. I don't have any idea about other areas.
2. No, your five sentence summary of your problem is not nearly enough for me to help you, even if I could and/or wanted to.
3. When I go to work, I produce nothing. I make nothing, I create nothing, I have nothing tangible to sell, I do not produce goods of any kind. The only reason I get paid is to dispense legal advice. My advice and analysis of a case are my only commodity. As such, please don't expect me to do your case for free, especially when we haven't seen each other since middle school. I would guess you don't go up to your acquaintance who builds cabinets and ask him to make you a full set of cabinets for free. It's the same thing.
(Aside: #3 doesn't apply if you are my family).

I am such a Millenial...

On Friday, I misplaced my check card. I had exactly $9 in cash. My immediate reaction was thinking that I needed to cancel the card. Then, I thought to myself: "Crap. What am I going to do  until I get the replacement card? How will I pay for things? I guess I could use cash...but I only have $9! How am I supposed to get my money out of the bank?!"
Then, gradually, a small nugget of memory emerged from the time capsule of my childhood that is in my brain. Didn't my mom used to go inside the bank all the time? When a "check card" wasn't even a thing and everyone wrote checks...my foggy childhood memory seemed to recall standing in line @ the bank. The concept seems so foreign to me now that I almost didn't believe that it was a real experience I had. But as I though about it more, more memories of this mysterious "inside the bank" came to mind: pens on really long chains; those stretchy elastic barriers that made up the line people had to stand in; an island in the middle where people would stand and fill out little pieces of paper that they would hand to the person behind the counter... These things were real! I just had forgotten these days of yore. So, there HAD to be some way to go inside the bank and get my money.  Problem solved.
I lost my card on Friday. It took me until today to figure this out. Talk about being a product of my generation...

Where is my hoverboard?

So, if they can make pajama jeans, why can't they make pajamas business suits?

Life in bullet format

The apt is coming along slowly but surely. I get a little bit unpacked here and there as much as I can. It has been difficult to find time, but I try to do a little each day so at least something is getting done. I wish it would just magically be finished but oh well. I'm sure I will get everything unpacked about ten weeks before I have to move again.
Other events lately:
• Had my fifth trial this year. Lost. I'm on pace to have the most trials this year that I've ever had.
• YKW has been confusing and odd lately. First there was the recent statement from him that he likes talking to me and didn't ever really think about not talking with me (except for that time in December he told me not to talk to him...).  Now he has says that we may potentially hang out in the future and he doesn't see why not.  Really? I'm starting to be concerned that perhaps he has suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury since we separated, as I can think of about 9 months' worth of reasons why not. So, I don't know what that is all about. I find the whole thing rather stressful so I'm just going to continue to ignore it.
• I'm going camping in August. I'm excited. It's been like 3 yrs since I've gone camping, so it should be a nice time.
Yep, that's all I have for now.

It's too hot

The ridiculous heat lately is making it hard to do everything lately. I basically want to lay down in a room with sub-zero temperatures and get frostbite.  It's so hot and humid that when I'm outside, it feels like I'm breathing through a wet blanket.  It's gross. As I'm sure most everyone everywhere is thinking since the entire country appears to be having a heat wave of epic proportions.
And holy crap, wearing a business suit in this weather is terrible and cruel.  Suit fabrics, especially in northern states, aren't exactly lightweight and breathable. And the lining! Double layers in a suit jacket! Lining is never a breathable fabric! Ugh, it's like being wrapped in Saran Wrap all day. I'm hot and sweaty and uncomfortable all day when it's this hot.  I wish that there was a "too hot" exception to the suit jacket requirement. Even with the air conditioner on, it's still really hard to cool down after being outside and then having to wear a heat-trapping jacket.
I wonder if the dress code for court is more relaxed in states that are consistently hot year round. Like can you get away with a lightweight cardigan as as "jacket" in Hawaii or Arizona? Or a cute short sleeved jacket? Or no jacket at all as long as you're otherwise in business attire? How do people do it in southern states? Could a woman wear dressy capris? A sundress?
If I'm ever a judge, suit jackets will totally be optional if the temp hits 80° or more. If the heat index hits 100+ and I were a judge, there would be a good chance I wouldn't even be wearing pants under my robe.  I mean, the robe is kind of like a big sack dress anyway, right?

Well, this seems reasonable...

Effing A.

So that's happening now...

Just got back from Chi-town, visiting RV and her spawn and her husby.  I'm pretty proud of myself bc this time I taught Spawn to say, "I'm not a terrorist!" and "That sounds like communism!" Just for funsies. This is probably why it's a good thing I don't have kids. Although it was super adorable when I got there and Spawn saw me and jumped out of her chair, calling my name, and threw her tiny, midget arms around my legs in a hug. Awwwww...cute...she is super funny and adorable.

Hello, Hubert!

This is Hubert, the newest member of the family. He is one month old and polydactyl, meaning he has 6 toes on his front paws.
Ward has been super lonely since we lost Oscar. He cries and cries and clings to me like crazy. So, I figured it was probably a good idea to get him a new friend to help him not feel so lonely.  Everything I read said to get a kitten (not an older cat) to be a companion for a cat that has recently lost another cat.  Apparently an older cat can be seen as a threat/the reason the other cat is now gone, causing the remaining cat to fight with the older, new cat. So, although I never get kittens and always adopt older cats, the humane society had a few kittens so I went there to get one.
And so, we have Hubert now. Ward seems to be fascinated by him. He likes to lick him a lot and wants to follow him around. Hubert seems more interested in exploring the apt at the moment, although they did snuggle for a minute.
Hubert is so cute.  He's never gonna replace my big kitty Oscar, but at least he is cute and now Ward won't be so sad and lonely.

Reboot

I am finally starting to not feel like death.  Today I accomplished eating without immediately feeling like I was going to throw up, so that's an improvement. Having an upset stomach is pretty much the worst thing ever, so I'm glad I'm finally feeling like I am not always ready to puke. I am hopeful I'll feel well enough to go to work tomorrow. I was sick on Thursday and Friday, as well as today (plus all weekend but I don't have to call my boss to tell her I'm sick on a weekend).

I swear, I'm not an episode of "Hoarders..."

It just really looks that way at the moment bc I have to figure out where things are going to go in the new place.
But I'm still not feeling well at all, so I was barely able to do anything more than locate where a fresh set of sheet were in this mess, put them on the bed, and collapse.  I'm so exhausted from being sick and stressed and sad and grieving and having to pack and to move stuff that I can barely think straight anymore.
And poor Ward! I thought he was going to have an aneurysm or something. This poor cat was already freaking out bc Oscar is gone. He kept wanting me to hold and cuddle him ever since Thursday. Then today, when a whole ton of Mormon guys showed up to move all my stuff, Ward was totally tweaking. I had to put him in the cat carrier until the move was over and he was not happy one bit about that. And then when the move was over, he kept running around and crying the most pathetic, sad, confused meows ever. He was so miserable.  Poor stressed out kitty lost his best bud and his home all at the same time.
Once I got the bed set up, he seemed to do a bit better.  It was somewhere familiar for him and I laid down with him for a few minutes after it was set up so he could see that I was still there, too. Bed and me, his two favorite things. Well, I might actually come after food, so two of his three favorite things...
And now, more feeling horrible and ill and wishing my things would just put themselves in place so I won't have to do it whenever I feel better/have time. But at least I've got the bed set up so I have a place to lay down while I am sick.

It's Moving Day

Just like in "The Secret of NIMH." Minus the deadly tractor.
I hate moving. I hate this move especially, since I'm down two family members in this move. What a crapper...
But I'm trying to convince myself this is my fresh start, time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life as a young, (still not technically but might as well be for all intents and purposes) single, professional lady, blazing a trail and all that other feel-good empowerment crap.  We will see if I can make myself believe that.
And I'm off, to haul the multiple boxes of my life to the new apt that will be the first apt I have ever lived in all by myself for the entire time. It's definitely going to be a different experience.