I'm still hurting from being carelessly tossed aside by my husband and still trying to deal with the emotional trauma of that whole ordeal. That alone should be more than enough for one person to deal with. But on top of that, work has been just running me into the ground since the first of the year. I had to total up what I did from Feb. 14 through about March 23 and I had 92 court hearings, including 5 contested omnibus hearings, and three briefs due within 18 days of each other. One due on Feb. 28, one on March 5, and the last due on March 16. So work has taken on a whole new level of grueling.
The combination of heartache and being run into the ground at work has bleed over into almost every other aspect of my life. I'm more tired than I normally am; I am frequently later in paying bills bc I've been forgetting to pay them bc my brain is in such a fog; my house is a disaster zone that I never have time or energy to clean except the very minimal, basic things. I rarely have time to actually go grocery shopping, instead stopping at the Target on my way home from work to grab some milk, cereal, and Totino's party pizzas.
Then of course there is the problem of my finances being a hot mess, since I can't afford to cover all the bills I'm stuck with on my own. So that is another stressor to deal with. And it appears that my Option A living arrangement is now unlikely to pan out, since I have cats. So, that kind of just fell totally apart rather suddenly.
I'm trying as hard as I can to keep trudging along and not let myself get totally overcome by despair but I am not sure how much more strength I've got in me. I feel like I'm coming undone.
People have told me that I'm handling things well but the truth is that I'm really not handling things well. I'm just really good at putting up a convincing facade. I pretend like I'm fine, I pretend like I can laugh and have fun and be carefree and that at the end of the day, I'm content with my life. It's all one enormous lie. I'm not okay in any way. I'm just a skilled actor.
I'm miserable, I'm unhappy, I'm scared about what will happen, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I'm feeling defeated. I can barely drag myself out of bed on some days. I go home from work with just enough time to eat something, crawl into bed and do crossword puzzles to keep my mind off the pain I'm dealing with until I pass out.
Supposedly things will get better. That's what everyone keeps telling me. But I have yet to see any improvement. The only difference between now and when my life first exploded is that I'm better at lying about how I'm doing and I'm better at hiding how I'm really feeling.
But other than that, nothing has changed. Things just keep falling apart and as a result, I'm falling apart.