Friday, September 30, 2011


Well, it's been a long week and a half, to be sure.  It hasn't been all bad, although a lot of it has been bad.  I'm trying to just focus on what makes me happy (outside of my marriage, obviously) and try to do those things.  I've been trying to keep a positive attitude each day, even though that sometimes feels impossible.  Work helps somewhat, since it can at least distract me for a bit.  But, it's never a total distraction because the situation with Hat is always on my mind, just in the background.  But, I'm trying.  

The worst part is that the loneliness that accompanies this is so incredible and profound.  Even when I have my wonderful, supportive, caring friends helping me, with me, making sure I'm functioning, etc, there is still this constant sense of loneliness over me.  When I'm alone, at night especially, it becomes almost overwhelming how alone I feel.  Although I know logically that I'm not the only person who has ever had their spouse divorce them, it feels like I am the only one.  

Monday, September 26, 2011

So this divorce diet is working out great for me. I've lost 11 pounds since Tuesday.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Second verse, same as the first

I worked from home today because yesterday I couldn't manage to get through one hour without having to go into the bathroom to cry.  I just accepted the fact that I would be crying again today and since I didn't have court today, I worked from home to avoid crying at work.  

Due to our current financial situation, neither one of us can just walk out the door right now.  Which means that for the time being, Hat's moved into the den--which is actually a second bedroom but which we use as a den--and I'm left in our bedroom, alone.  I had to rearrange the room just to make it so that I could be in there by myself, because leaving it like it always had been felt too horrible.  It still feels horrible, but now it's a different kind of horrible.  It's the kind of horrible where I know it's only like this because the other way was even more horrible. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

"Heartbroken" doesn't begin to cover it

Out of the blue, Hat has decided that he wants a divorce.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  I'm physically sick about it and I haven't eaten since he told me because I don't think I can keep it down.

I didn't notice anything was wrong.  We haven't been fighting.  We've been having a good summer together, going on trips and vacations.  I thought we were doing just fine.  But apparently not.  So, he wants a divorce now. 

In the process of this revelation, he has cut off everyone he knows.  He isn't really talking to his friends much, his dad has told me that he isn't responding to his dad's texts/phone calls, he disabled his facebook account because he "didn't want people to attack" him through facebook, etc., etc.  He also can't explain to me why he wants a divorce other than he's "not happy."  When I ask him what he means by that, he says he doesn't know.  When I asked him if he thought that a divorce would make him happy, he said he didn't know.  He also doesn't have any plan on what he wants to do after we separate--he doesn't know where he will live, how he will pay his bills (since I'm the one who is the financial support in the house at the moment while he's attending school), where he will get health insurance or car insurance, nothing...he hasn't thought about anything practical.  Everyone who knows him is having the same reaction, which is, "What?! This is so out of character for him!!"

The thing that makes this so much worse is that I asked him if we could try to work on it--couple counseling, etc, anything.  He said he didn't have the energy to try.  So, although we've only been married for a little over 2 years, he's just crapping out without even trying.  It's miserable. 

I can't stand how much this hurts.  It's the worse feeling I've ever had in my entire life.  I wish I could make it go away, even just for a few minutes.  I can't even get any relief from sleep--I keep having dreams about this situation!  It's a never ending horror.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Client Archetypes

The court system can quite often feel like a never-ending treadmill.  There's so many people going through it and it never stops.  The interesting thing is that although there are so many people from so many different walks of life, there seems to be some typical characters who make up the public defender clients.  These people are not the majority of clients, by any means.  But, the typical behaviors of these people are so consistent from each one to the next that I've started to create categories for them in my mind.  Here are the 9 categories for the various types of clients:  

1. The Panicker--This client requires a lot of hand-holding (figuratively, not literally).  Every time they call, it is an emergency.  They will leave breathless, anxious, rapid-fire messages about how they must speak with you immediately, regardless of the fact that you've told them many times that you are in court a lot of the day and may not be able to get to their call immediately.  When they can't reach you on your line, they will call the front office staff and leave them the same message--it's an emergency.  If you don't call back within 10 minutes, they will start calling you every 10-20 minutes and either hanging up when the voicemail kicks in or before then.  They are not anxious or panicked in the way you might normally expect a person to be when charged with a crime.  They are anxious and panicked no matter what you do or say, no matter how much you talk with them or reassure them, no matter what you do, they remain panicked.  They are exceptionally needy as clients and are never satisfied, since they constantly are filled with panic.