The worst part is that the loneliness that accompanies this is so incredible and profound. Even when I have my wonderful, supportive, caring friends helping me, with me, making sure I'm functioning, etc, there is still this constant sense of loneliness over me. When I'm alone, at night especially, it becomes almost overwhelming how alone I feel. Although I know logically that I'm not the only person who has ever had their spouse divorce them, it feels like I am the only one.
The sudden and abrupt withdrawal is what is making it extra hard to deal with. I used to talk to Hat every day (duh) and we texted each other constantly. Nothing important, really, just funny things throughout the day, complaints about the day, stuff that was running through our heads, etc. But, suddenly, I can't do that anymore. But, there are several times throughout the day where I still think, "Omg, I have to text Hat about this." And then it hits me like a slap in the face. That's right...I can't.
My friend suggested that I carry a little notebook around with me and write the things I want to text to him down in the notebook. This has been a big help--it's not really making the urge to text him disappear, but it does have the same effect that scratching a really terrible itch has--it eases it for a little while. So, I am glad for that suggestion. I was still having a hard time with not texting him at all, though, so on Wednesday night, I had to just remove him from my phone completely. I know his number by heart, but the act of actually having to type it in if I want to call or text is usually enough to make me remember that I shouldn't be calling or texting.
It's definitely hard to lose someone so abruptly like that. It was like one day we were normal, then suddenly, WHAM not normal. And I lost my best friend, my confidant, and my husband. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore to come down at the end of a long day. I don't have anyone to tell my funny client stories to or to vent about how bad things were at court that day. I have lost my companion rather suddenly and it's so ridiculously hard to adjust to that I feel lost quite a bit of the time.
The grief is sometimes so much that I can't breathe, like it becomes a physical thing that suddenly overtakes me. I start to feel like my heart is tightening in my chest and I struggle not to burst in to tears wherever I am. But, I'm pretty good at not crying if I can't, so I have been able to avoid crying in front of anyone at work or at court.
And never, ever, ever in front of Hat. I never show him anything other than me being a-o-k. For some reason, that's important to me that he not know. That's in part because I know it doesn't matter to him anymore--it used to. He used to care how I felt. However, he doesn't care at all anymore and instead of doing what he always used to do, hold me, shush me, and tell me that things were going to be all right, he either sits there with this blank, emotionless stare or he gets annoyed and acts like I'm being an inconvenience. So, I haven't cried in front of him in a week. It hurts too much to see just how callous he has become and how little he concerns himself with me suddenly. If we talk, he initiates it (unless it's something I know we need to talk about, like paying bills) and I act pleasant as can be. I am not even mean or mad at him, although I'm sure I could be and it would be completely expected. I am nice, I am calm, I am friendly, and I am polite. I never talk about us and I never show him anything other than me being 100% fine, unperturbed, even enjoying my new life.
Some days, I don't have to pretend. Some days I have felt pretty good, even if it's only temporary. Other days, I do have to pep-talk myself and put on my game face if he is going to be there at the house. I have to remind myself that I can at least walk away with my dignity and if I'm going to break down in a sobbing, snot-nosed heap, I can do it in private but never in front of him. He doesn't get to know anymore how I feel about things, including this.
So, I have been putting on my happy face, smiling, and being pleasant. And I go about my day, visiting with friends and family, finding things to occupy my time, reading, going shopping, and of course, always making sure I look as hot as possible, so he remembers what he is leaving. And, when I need to cry, I cry. But, not around him. Not where he can hear. I think that my lack of sadness in front of him is confusing him somewhat, which is fine by me. To be frank, I'm confused, too. I'm confused about why he is leaving without ever telling me that there was anything wrong and why he is leaving without even bothering to try to fix things. I'm confused why he flat out refused to even go to couples counseling with me despite the fact that literally everyone, including the prosecutor I'm close with at work, has suggested that we try that first. So, since I'm confused, he can also be confused. It seems to be the only thing that is fair in this whole situation.