Thursday, September 22, 2011

Second verse, same as the first

I worked from home today because yesterday I couldn't manage to get through one hour without having to go into the bathroom to cry.  I just accepted the fact that I would be crying again today and since I didn't have court today, I worked from home to avoid crying at work.  

Due to our current financial situation, neither one of us can just walk out the door right now.  Which means that for the time being, Hat's moved into the den--which is actually a second bedroom but which we use as a den--and I'm left in our bedroom, alone.  I had to rearrange the room just to make it so that I could be in there by myself, because leaving it like it always had been felt too horrible.  It still feels horrible, but now it's a different kind of horrible.  It's the kind of horrible where I know it's only like this because the other way was even more horrible. 

Everything is a jumble.  One minute, I want to throw myself around his legs and beg him to stay, to please at least try to make this work because it's our marriage, to not just give up on us.  The next minute, I want to find a way to hurt him back, to make him feel like I'm feeling because it's so unfair that he's doing this.  The next minute, I'm feeling like it's his loss, he doesn't even know what he's going to miss without me and he can go to hell for all I care.  I'm angry, I'm desperate, I'm overwhelmed, I'm frustrated, and more than anything, I'm so, so, so, so terribly heartbroken that I can't even fully comprehend it.  It hurts more than I ever, ever would have thought possible.  

Thankfully, I have support--both in real life and on here (thank you to everyone who has let me know you're thinking of me--I really, really appreciate it).  A couple of my friends came over last night to help me move the furniture from the den into "my room" and to rearrange stuff to be two bedrooms instead of just one.  They also brought me food (since I hadn't eaten) and movies--none of them romantic at all.  So, last night, after eating something delicious they'd brought me, I curled up in bed (all alone, but at least the snuggly cat was there to keep me company) and plugged in the portable DVD player and fell asleep while watching "Hook."  It's impossible not to feel at least minutely less wretched when you hear, "Rufio, Rufio, Ru-fi-ooooooo!"  

My mom came over tonight to help me with stuff--it's amazing at how long it takes to rearrange the rooms.  There is so much accumulated stuff that now I need to deal with.  Plus, I can't deal with it without crying because I know that I'm only moving it because he wants a divorce.  So, I'm super slow at it.  My mom came over, all practical and mom-like, and helped me clean and put crap away.  She was very practical and cleaned my bathroom for me, which I couldn't bring myself to do because that would require me to be able to not cry for longer than 15 minutes, which wasn't happening right then.  

Tomorrow is a benefit for Cider to help raise funds for her recovery, so I am hoping that going out with my friends and having a night out will help me feel better, even if it is just temporarily.  And another friend of mine has invited me to come stay with her this weekend, so I will be out of the house all weekend long, which I hope will also be good for me. 

The worst part is that I think I'm going to end up in trial next week, starting on Monday, and I just want to curl up in bed and go to sleep so I don't have to think.  I will obviously try my best to do the best I can for my client, because I never want to compromise that, but at the same time, it's like, how much can I really care at this moment when my life is in chaos?  Normally, Hat would be there to walk me through the nights during trial and taking care of me--he has always been wonderful about helping me by doing my laundry while I"m working late on trial stuff at the office, making sure I have dinner, helping me to de-stress and relax as the trial goes on, and encouraging me that I'll do well.  I use him to bounce ideas off of since he's not an attorney and I like to get a non-legal person's perspective.  He's my trial teammate, even though he's not there in trial with me, because he has always helped the other parts of my life run smoothly when I'm in trial.  Trials tend to consume every moment of your life while you are in them, so having him around to help has always been amazing.  Now I keep thinking about what I'll do without having him to help and support me.   Not only is it going to be that much harder just because he won't be there to help me with stuff like dinner and laundry, it will also be harder because I'm dealing with this momentous sadness.  I can barely get my head in the game to just do office work.  How am I going to do this trial??

I can't imagine what I'm going to do without him...

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now 

-"Against All Odds," Phil Collins


  1. Anonymous10:29 AM

    I've been one of your silent minions for a long time now (we were planning our weddings at the same time). I just wanted you to know how sorry I am that you're going through this. My heart is breaking for you.

  2. Susan8:16 PM

    I am really sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. I've enjoyed reading your blog over the past couple of years and I was so sad when I read your post the other day. Being a public defender is hard enough when you have a supportive spouse. Even though your co-workers are probably overwhelmed with their own work, I hope you are able to lean on them for support (at least with your cases). Hang in there.

  3. I've also been reading your blog for a few years now. I was a public defender for 2.5 years and in such an emotional line of work, i'm so inspired by you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm rooting for you. There's probably nothing I can say to make you feel better but I know things will get better for you. Hang in there!