Friday, October 05, 2012

My book is done!

My book is officially finished!!

It's currently being reviewed for formatting, etc. by and then it will be available for purchase in approximately 12 hours.  

I'm so proud of myself for actually completing it and following through on getting it done.  I wasn't exactly sure if I would finish it when I started it because it seemed like a lot of work (and it was).  But, it was not as much as I had thought and now I have an entire book that I did from start to finish! Yay!  

Once it's live and available, I'll put a link a up here, in case anyone actually wants to buy it and read it.  It's going to be $3.99.  I know--pricey...  At any rate, it will be available as an e-book for the kindle or kindle apps or you can even read it online now because Amazon has this cloud reader now where you can read the books you purchased right online.  I just found that out, so I actually thought that was pretty cool.

So, I can cross that off my bucket list.  That makes me really happy.  It feels awesome to have completed something that big.  It's nice to have something to be happy about, too.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot about YKW lately and the situation with him.  Of course.  Getting the divorce papers this last Monday has definitely thrown me for a loop.  I guess it never really felt real; I was living it but it still never felt really real.  Seeing the entirety of our married lives boiled down into a few sentences on paper was really disheartening.  It was so anti-climactic to see it like that, just like we are signing a car loan or something, rather than destroying our family.  It's unreal. 

I also don't understand what he's doing.  He says he wants to stay in contact with me, make sure I'm doing okay, be casual acquaintances.  He says he doesn't want to ever hang out or see me--just continue to occasionally text message/email each other with funny things, pop culture/current events tidbits, etc.  He says I was a "big part of his life for a long time" so he wants to keep in touch and know that I'm doing all right.  

I told him I would not ever tell him the truth about how I was doing.  I would always say that I was doing fine, even if that was completely false.  I said that if we were only going to be casual acquaintances, I would not discuss my personal life or circumstances with him.  I said I would always say I was fine and that I would lie to his face about that.  I asked him if he was fine with that (thinking that he would not be, because who wants to be friends with someone who would lie to them all the time, especially if you are talking to the person so you know how the person is doing...).  Apparently, that's fine by him.  He was totally all right with knowing I'd lie right to him all the time. 

He told me again on Monday that he didn't want to actually see me; just wanted to text (assuming, of course, that I even wanted to be in contact with him).  Then, yesterday, he sent me an email with a link to the restaurant he is working at now and says in the email: "You wouldn't like a lot of the food but if you ever want to see me the cheese curds are the bomb."

What?  Why is he inviting me to come in to his workplace to see him?  He just said a couple days before that he didn't want to see me...

I politely said that perhaps I would stop in some time and try the cheese curds and if he happened to be there I would say hi.  Then he made sure to tell me his usual days that he works and said I should come on in.  Why would he want me to come in?  It makes no sense at all. He is anything but consistent lately in explaining what he wants. 

In addition, he's recently made a number of statements about what I'm like or things that I like or what he knows about me, because he used to know a lot about me.  He has generally been correct about most of the things he's mentioned and they are all very innocuous things, but for some reason, it irks me.  I don't know if it should or shouldn't irk me, but it does. 

It's little things that he's mentioned, like when I said that I don't tell casual acquaintances about myself, he said that he understood because he "knew how I was" and that he'd seen me around other people I didn't know very well and "knew what I was like" around them.  He also said the thing about how I wouldn't like much of the food at his new workplace.  In another conversation, I said that I "didn't even care anymore" about something.  He took my statements to indicate that I was angry and when I replied that I wasn't angry about anything, he said, "It was just the 'I don't even care anymore' that I was thinking about.  That has been your way of expressing your frustration since forever."  Then, when we were discussing his new job and that his workplace has Skee-Ball, I said that that was really cool and he responded that he knew I'd love that (because Skee-Ball was one of my favorite games as a kid and I still really love it). 

It's not like any of these things that he's commenting on are major or important or make a big difference.  It just bothers me somewhat because it seems like he thinks that he still knows me, even though he's been out of my life for the last year plus.  And yes, we've started talking again since about June, but we haven't spent any time together or discussed anything really substantial.  The last time we had any significant conversation and/or time together was back in August of 2011.  Since then, he hasn't been around--by his choice, mostly.  So, there's just something about him making references to things that he knows about me or the implication that he somehow still knows who I am kind of gets under my skin. 

The fact is that I'm not the same person that I was.  I am not the same person that he knew and that he was with.  I'm not a completely different person in every single way, of course, but living through the hell that I've lived through this last year has taken its toll on me and has shaped and changed me in ways that he has no idea about because he hasn't been around.  He hasn't wanted to be a part of my life in order to know what has changed about me and who I am now and what I'm like.  And it seems like he thinks I'm still the same woman he walked away from over a year ago.  But I'm not. 

And he hasn't made any real effort to get to know the person I am now, because he hasn't wanted to get to know me.  And that's fine because he walked out on me and so, clearly I wouldn't expect him to want to get to know the person I've become.  But, then it seems like it would make sense that he wouldn't continue to say things that make it sound like he still knows me...

Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive.  But it's weird and kind of irks me.  

Okay, that's enough on that topic.  Just needed to vent my frustrations...

And now, tiny Hubert is crawling all over me and demanding my attention, so I clearly have a kitten to attend to.  Until next time...

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