Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I'm unvarnished and people hate that

Now that I'm not married ( I still have trouble saying "I'm divorced.") people keep saying things like, "Now you can decide who you're going to be from this point on." Or things to that effect. My bishop (for you non-Mormons, the bishop is like a pastor of the local congregation) asked me what Version 3.0 of myself is going to be.
I find this confusing. I wasn't a vastly different person while married. I was certainly happier, but I didn't become a whole new person.
The other wrinkle in this is that everyone also keeps telling me not to let this make me bitter or cynical or pessimistic. Which makes me want to ask, "Have you met me before?" Those are kind of my key characteristics. They are the reason I have such charm (har har har).

But seriously. I am being asked who I am now while at the same time being told not to be who I am. That is puzzling.
I suspect that part of the problem is that few people have really seen the "dark" side of me w/o the veneer of humor to make it more palatable. I learned early on that my cynacism makes people uncomfortable unless I twist it to be humorous. I'm often perceived as funny instead of crabby/pessimistic, when I'm really the latter. I just hide it very well so people don't avoid me at all costs.
So, people are really surprised/shocked at the depth of my negativity when I am too sad or depressed to be funny. When I say what's on my mind in a non-joking way, people try to convince me that I'm wrong, I shouldn't think that way, etc. But my secret is I ALWAYS think that way: it's just that when I'm sad, I don't have the energy to make it more socially friendly through humor.
For example, I often crack jokes about how I eat ice cream sandwiches for breakfast and say something about that must be why I'm a little chubby and people laugh because they think I'm kidding. But in my mind, I constantly think about how I am overweight and I'm always worried about whether I look fat. But, if I just said that, people would be uncomfortable. So I make it a joke to make what I really think more palatable.
Which leads me to where I am now. I'm too sad right now to be funny. I just barely have the ability to go to work every day and not burst into tears or losing my shit on someone. I don't have the energy to also be funny. Not right now. So people keep telling me not to be the things that I am, not realizing I'm always like that.
Sorry if it comes as a surprise, but here are some facts about me:
-I think life is overall pretty shitty. I have for a very long time.
-I don't expect good things to happen. When they do, I expect something will go wrong.
-I don't think "things will work out" or that difficult times make people better. I think difficult times suck but hey, life's a bitch that way.
-I don't trust people for a very long time. Why? Because I assume that people are aholes.
There are more, but I think you get the idea. So, when people ask me who I'm going to be now, I think, "The same person I always have been."
Eventually I'll have the energy to hide my feelings within a few good jokes. In the meantime, people will just have to put up with seeing the unvarnished, raw, undoctored version of me.


  1. Aw honey, so little faith in yourself - it isn't that I'm not seeing the "real you", it's that I refuse to buy the version of the real you that's so bound up in self-defense mechanisms and protections that you actually believe what you are saying. Like I've told you before - and I think I know you pretty well now - you are more beautiful, more kind, more talented, more loving and even more hopeful than you give yourself credit for. Yes, you. The way you are right now, no changes necessary. No one is going to fault you for not wanting to get hurt again. But don't fault us for seeing the best in you;)

    Sometimes we are defined by our thoughts but sometimes our thoughts are defined by who we really are.

    1. Oh this wasn't directed at you... Actually had more to do w/ a conversation I had w/ my dad recently, as well as a few others. But not specifically our discussions..

      Also, this doesn't mean I dislike myself. On the contrary, I actually think I'm pretty awesome, cynicism and all. I just tend to expect the worst in life because on the times I've let myself relax and think maybe I was wrong to think life blows, then I have something awful happen to prove me wrong. At least if I expect it, I'm not surprised. And when something good happens, I'm that much more surprised.

  2. Anonymous11:18 PM

    (Psst... I'm crabby, too. Religion and Lexapro are very helpful :)

    1. Mmm I agree. I've got both (well Zoloft not Lexapro) and they do help. Glad to know I'm not the only crabby one. :-)

  3. You could call yourself dismarried.

    1. Hey, I like that!! Great way to phrase it! Thanks!

  4. You sound depressed, Ms. PDGirl. Is the Zoloft doing its job? Something to consider.

    PS. Your blog is always an interesting read even unvarnished! Hang in there.

    1. Yeah, I've made an appt w/ the dr to discuss whether I need more Zoloft or a different med... Glad to hear you enjoy the blog! And thank you--it definitely helps to hear words of encouragement. :-)

  5. You sound like someone I know...me. What do you think of referring to yourself as single?