One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of when YKW told me he wanted a divorce.  Today is the one year mark of the saddest moment of my life. 

One year ago, I could barely breathe because the pain I was in was so intense it was a physical thing.  I bawled every night before bed, hard enough to give myself a headache.  One year ago, I wanted to die just to give my poor heart a reprieve from the agony of losing him.  At times the pain was so overwhelming that I thought I actually might die from heartache.  One year ago, I could not imagine a life without him. I could not imagine ever being happy again.  One year ago, I thought my life was over.  And it came close on many occasions, when I felt like I just could not go on even one more minute.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% better than one year ago. That I picked myself up and never looked back. I wish I could say I never shed anymore tears for him, that I don't care at all about him, and that I'm happier without him.

But, I can't say any of those things. None of those things are true.

What I can say is that, while I do still cry about him (sometimes very hard), those sessions are now much more rare. While I still have days where things feel awful, I have been able to have many happy times.  I can laugh again, and pretty much do every day.  I can have fun again.  While I still care about him and still love him, I don't feel like I need him anymore--just want.  Not need.  While I can't say I'm happier without him, I can say that I have been able to find happiness without him.

I do look back. I do think about what we had and it still makes me sad to have lost him.  My heart is not okay yet.  But, it's trying to be.

Would I feel happier if he said he loved me and wanted to try to work on out marriage? Probably.  He still has my heart, right or wrong.  Would my preference be that we would be together again? Yes. I'd prefer that.  But, even without those things being true, I can still have days that are good and fun and enjoyable.  I can be okay.

We are still married.  He has not yet filed the paperwork for the divorce.  A part of my heart continues to hope that if we aren't divorced, then maybe we can still make things work.  I don't know if it will ever be true or if it's wishful thinking.

I'm grateful for the people who have surrounded me in love and thoughts and prayers over the last year. I have felt more love and care as I have walked this dark path than I ever have in my life.  When I have been too tired to keep going, when my legs have collapsed beneath me, when the desire to keep going has left me, when even the desire to eat has disappeared, when I have fallen under the weight of this emotional burden, when I have felt alone in my grief, people were there to pick me back up, to carry me, to feed me, to help me walk, to grieve with me, to be my strength when I had none left, to take care of me when I didn't care. The love and support I have been surrounded by has been more than I could have ever expected. I would never have survived without the people who have been there for me.

Am I 100% better? No. I'm not even sure I could say that I'm 50% better. But, I am sure that I will get there eventually. And that is much more than I could say one year ago.