Monday, May 20, 2013

Just the idea of dating makes me want to break out in hives

At the insistence/urging of several friends, I have put a profile up on a dating website. Then I remembered that 1. I did that in college & hated filling out all the info sections and 2. I hate going on dates. First dates, specifically.

Like what do I put in the "about me" section? I can't tell the truth. It's like interviewing for a job that includes the potential for making out. There are real answers and there are interview answers. I

f I were going to give a real "about me" it would be something along these lines: "I work as a public defender, which I love, but which sometimes consumes my entire life and means I deal with people you probably would avoid. I am really passionate about my work so if we are dating, you're going to have to listen to me rant about my day if things don't go the way I think they should. Outside of work, I have several life-long, chronic conditions which you probably have never heard of but which require me to take a ridiculous amount of medication in order to function normally. I sleep a LOT. I have social anxiety, which means if I ever have to meet your friends or family, I will probably have a small panic attack. That also means you'll have to carry the conversation @ first, since I suck @ small talk. I am recently divorced, which was the most devastating thing I have ever lived through, and I am still seeing a therapist since it fucked me up pretty badly. I am also incredibly terrified of commitment as a result. I hate wearing pants. I often go out in public looking like a crazy homeless lady. I have an unhealthy obsession with my cats and will expect you to humor me when I show you 800 photos of my cats being adorbs. I swear a lot and I am a grammar & spelling Nazi. I also dislike being touched by strangers. I know I sound crazy but I think I am pretty effing awesome, so I have a bloated sense of myself, too."

Clearly I cannot use that...

I am not cut out for dating.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:31 PM

    I can imagine that if I were to write an online dating profile for myself, it would read...exactly like this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well feel free to use it if you ever decide to sign up! awkwardies, unite!

      Delete