Monday, May 20, 2013

Just the idea of dating makes me want to break out in hives

At the insistence/urging of several friends, I have put a profile up on a dating website. Then I remembered that 1. I did that in college & hated filling out all the info sections and 2. I hate going on dates. First dates, specifically.

Like what do I put in the "about me" section? I can't tell the truth. It's like interviewing for a job that includes the potential for making out. There are real answers and there are interview answers. I

f I were going to give a real "about me" it would be something along these lines: "I work as a public defender, which I love, but which sometimes consumes my entire life and means I deal with people you probably would avoid. I am really passionate about my work so if we are dating, you're going to have to listen to me rant about my day if things don't go the way I think they should. Outside of work, I have several life-long, chronic conditions which you probably have never heard of but which require me to take a ridiculous amount of medication in order to function normally. I sleep a LOT. I have social anxiety, which means if I ever have to meet your friends or family, I will probably have a small panic attack. That also means you'll have to carry the conversation @ first, since I suck @ small talk. I am recently divorced, which was the most devastating thing I have ever lived through, and I am still seeing a therapist since it fucked me up pretty badly. I am also incredibly terrified of commitment as a result. I hate wearing pants. I often go out in public looking like a crazy homeless lady. I have an unhealthy obsession with my cats and will expect you to humor me when I show you 800 photos of my cats being adorbs. I swear a lot and I am a grammar & spelling Nazi. I also dislike being touched by strangers. I know I sound crazy but I think I am pretty effing awesome, so I have a bloated sense of myself, too."

Clearly I cannot use that...

I am not cut out for dating.


  1. Anonymous8:31 PM

    I can imagine that if I were to write an online dating profile for myself, it would read...exactly like this.

    1. well feel free to use it if you ever decide to sign up! awkwardies, unite!