It's #PublicDefenseDay!

Today is important but most people don't realize it. That's because today is the day that, 53 years ago, the US Supreme Court held that a person accused of a crime who could not afford an attorney must be provided an attorney. The case, Gideon v. Wainwright, was a landmark ruling.  Prior to that case, a person who could not afford an attorney was basically S.O.L.  They had to represent themselves against the full force of the government's power.  It was a modern-day David versus Goliath.  

Clarence Gideon's tale is not only notable for its creation of the right to court-appointed counsel, but also because the underlying criminal case demonstrated so perfectly why it was unfair to make a person proceed without counsel when they wanted one.  Gideon was charged in Florida w/ breaking and entering with intent to commit larceny, after a local pool hall was broken into, vandalized, and burglarized my an unknown person.  A witness said he'd seen Gideon leaving the pool hall that night with money and wine in his pockets.  That was enough to get Gideon arrested and charged with the crime. 

Gideon appeared in court and requested an attorney to help him defend against the charges. At that time, only people who were charged with capital (read: death penalty) cases were able to have the court provide them with an attorney. When Gideon requested an attorney, the Florida court told him, in a nutshell, "No attorney for you!" (Imagine the Soup Nazi voice).  To which Gideon gave the most perfect, beautiful, and succinct response: " The United States Supreme Court says I am entitled to be represented by counsel."  Sometimes the simplest answer is the best. 

However, Florida, being all Florida about it, still wouldn't give Gideon a lawyer. So, he had to represent himself at trial. And he did. He didn't plead out or plead no contest. He took that em-effer to trial and maintained his innocence the entire time. However, he was going up against a trained prosecutor, who had the full force of the government, police, etc. on his side and who had (presumably) gone to law school and had experience in trying cases.  Unsurprisingly, being outmatched, Gideon was convicted. He was sentenced to 5 years in prison. 

But our hero Gideon refused to give up. Instead, he took it upon himself to write a petition to the United States Supreme Court, arguing he had been denied due process of law by being forced to go to trial without the aid of an attorney, in violation of his Sixth Amendment right to counsel, as applied to the States by the Fourteenth Amendment.  He wrote the whole thing in PENCIL. By HAND. From PRISON. 

He toiled away at the prison library to be able to get this thing together.  It's actually fairly well written, despite some errors in grammar, syntax, etc. He did a damn good job. You can read the whole thing here. And you should--it's not that long and it's worth seeing how this one man's handwritten, penciled petition changed the entire legal landscape. 

And the US Supreme Court decided to hear his case. The Court gets hundreds of petitions a year and they get to choose which ones they want to hear.  There's only a small number of cases they are obligated to hear. Most of the cases that the Court hears are because the Court has determined it wants to hear them. And of all the cases that request a chance to be heard, the Court hears roughly 80 a year.  So, Gideon's chances of having his case heard by the Supremes was not high. Somehow, he hit the jackpot and got his case in front of the Court. 

Interestingly enough, almost as if they were tipping their hand a bit, the Supremes appointed an attorney to represent Gideon at the Supreme Court.  That attorney was Abe Fortas.  Fortas later went on to become a Supreme Court justice himself. 

On March 18, 1953, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Gideon's favor.  The Court held that the State of Florida had violated Gideon's rights by refusing to appoint him counsel and remanded his case back to the Florida court for further action in line with the Court's new ruling.  The Court's decision impacted every criminal defendant in the United States, not just Gideon.  The Court had said that assistance of counsel by a person who wanted it but could not afford it was a fundamental right under the US Constitution and that providing attorneys to indigent defendants was essential for a fair trial and due process of law.  That meant no one accused of a crime who couldn't afford a lawyer could be forced to defend him or herself without the help of an attorney. 

TADA! Creation of the "public defender." 

So, back to our story...Gideon's case was returned to Florida and since he was deprived of a fair trial the first time around, he was given a new trial.  This time, with an attorney to represent him. And you know what happened??? 

Ready??

Want to know????

Gideon was found...


NOT GUILTY!  Of the very same charges he was previously convicted of and sent to prison for 5 years! Because his attorney--his court-appointed attorney--was able to discredit the only witness during cross-examination and destroy the State's case. And the jury took only one hour to acquit Gideon. 

Five years in prison to a complete acquittal.  Same charges, same case, same witness.  The difference? An attorney. 

Gideon's case illustrates the reason why the Supremes ruled the way they did.  Because it's fundamentally unfair to make a person have to defend themselves in court without help against a criminal charge against a trained, experienced prosecutor.  And if the playing field isn't fair, then the results get skewed. As in Gideon's case. He was unable to effectively defend himself, but once he had help, he was acquitted and walked out of prison. 

It's a great story. It changed the entire criminal justice system, for the better. And, the original case shows why legal counsel is so necessary. No one would perform their own surgery--why make someone perform their own legal defense?  Both are technical, complicated worlds that don't often make sense to outsiders and that have a language all of their own. And both have serious consequences if done poorly or incorrectly. 

So, Gideon's case left a lasting legacy for all criminal defendants. The full force of the law and the faceless government could no longer overrun the little guy. Now, the little guy got to have their own fighter to get in the ring and throw some punches. 

Are the sides perfectly, evenly matched? Of course not. The financial disparity between the two sides is stark in many places. But, even if it's not a perfectly level playing field, it's better than it was. And those of us who are here, in the ring, throwing punches against the giant Goliath that is the government are doing it because we want to, because we love the fight, because we love the thrill of victory against the enormity of the State, because we like helping the underdog, because we care. 

Society as a whole doesn't particularly like us. We represent "criminals" and "bad guys." We get people off on "technicalities" (also known as "your constitutional rights"). We stand beside the loathsome, the unwanted, the overlooked, the reviled, and we fight for them. Society doesn't understand how we can sleep at night, defending people like those in Gitmo or people accused of child rape or murder or any number of terrible crimes. They don't get it because they don't understand it's not just about this one client, this one case, or this one charge. It's about more. It's about upholding the idea that we live in a country that values fairness and justice.  That we would rather have it done right.  That we uphold and protect the things our ancestors fought and died for, that the Constitution was created for. 

I am proud to be part of a group of people who defend those that society reviles.  I am in good company. John Adams defended the British soldiers in the Boston Massacre and Abraham Lincoln defended many people charged with murder*.  If I get to be in the same ranks as those people, I am proud.  

I am proud to be a part of Gideon's legacy. I am proud to stand by my clients and step into the ring to throw some punches. I am proud when I get a TKO on Goliath.



*You can read more about how public defense is awesome in this editorial over at Slate.com. 

Time to make some changes

I've decided I need to move. I have lived in rural town for almost 3 yrs & it has not been a good move for my mental health/depression issues. So it's time to do something to make myself happier. And that means moving back to a location closer to my friends & family.

The commute will suck, since it will double my drive time. But I think it will be worth it to have my social life back again. It will be worth it to not feel so isolated & alone.

When I moved to my current location, I had a car payment that ate up a big chunk of money. I paid my car off last year, so I don't have that expense anymore & that means I can afford more for rent. So that frees me to move.

I found a place I'm interested in. There aren't any open units right now, but it sounds like there will be in the future. And that will give me time to pack, etc.

Having a plan to move makes me feel less trapped by my life. It makes me feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And eventually I.hope to get a job near the metro, too. But until then, I can at least live somewhere that makes me happy.

Also I finished my couch! Here's the final result:

The biggest project I've ever done!

So I have had my couch for about 10 yrs & it looks like it. The cats have torn the sides & arms up, so the foam is coming out. I want a new couch, but I don't have the money & I don't want the cats to rip up a new one. So, I decided I should just re-upholster the couch. I've never re-upholstered a single thing in my whole life, so of course why not start with a super big piece of furniture & the only piece in my living room?? Sounds reasonable!!

To the internet I went, in order to find out what it takes to redo a couch. New fabric. Some stuffing to redo the spots that the cats have torn out. Thread. Ability to sew. Staple gun. Really the only thing I didn't have was a staple gun.

But whoa, the amount of fabric needed for the project was huge & upholstery fabric isn't cheap. I could just buy a new couch for the cost of the fabric. After a little more internet searching, I found out that canvas painter's drop cloths are a cheap way to get a lot of fabric! Who knew?? Canvas isn't the softest but for a couch I figured it would be fine.

However, the canvas comes in beige & I'd decided I wanted a robin's egg blue couch. Which meant I needed to dye the drop cloths. This is not a small task. I used 12 bottles of Rit dye & 3 packages of powdered dye. I had to go to 4 different stores to get enough dye. Then I had to dye all the fabric in my bathtub since I needed a container big enough to hold 36 gallons of water. And then I had to make sure the fabric was constantly in motion, so it didn't get streaks or dye unevenly. It was a weird night, me with a big ass wooden dowel, standing over a bathtub full of water that is so dark it's almost black, stirring away for like 45 minutes. But, it was worth it! The color came out exactly the way I wanted it to & looked great!

I next tore off the fabric from the couch cushions & seats & used the old fabric as the pattern for the new fabric. I took the brown piping from the old fabric & recycled it on the new fabric bc I thought the blue & brown would go great together. So I did the cushions & the seats.

I don't want the cats to tear up the new fabric, so I did some additional research & found out that they sell vinyl sheeting that you can attach to your couch so the cats can't scratch the fabric. Good idea, except it looks really obvious that you have plastic on your couch. I love my cats, but I'm not ready to clearly announce that I'm a crazy cat lady to everyone that comes into my apt. I mean, I'd like to date someone again, so... I had to come up with an idea.

Which became taking the vinyl sheeting, sewing it to a contrasting piece of fabric on the back, & then spraying the front with a clear coat that takes away some of the shine. Those pieces then get attached w/ brass furniture tacks like you see in fancy leather furniture. That way, the vinyl sheeting looks more like it actually belongs on the couch, rather than something I added on.

I'm almost done with the couch. But I need a staple gun to complete the project. And I don't want to spend money to buy one so I can use it for one project.  So, I asked Guy if I could borrow one from him. (Yes, Guy & I still talk. Story for another day.) I just wanted to borrow the gun, so I offered to pick it up & bring it back if he could loan me one. He asked why I needed one, I told him my plan, & he offered to come help me. I told him he didn't have to, but he said he wanted to & he'd bring 2 staple guns so we could get it done really quick. So next Saturday, he's coming over to help me finish it up.

I've got the cushions & seats done & the vinyl pieces are ready to be attached once it's time. I'm super excited about the way it's looking so far & really excited about how it will look when it's all done. It's going to look so awesome! And so much more affordable than buying a new couch.

Pictures of the project so far are included. I'll post a picture of the final project when it's all done!

Scalia was a strange character

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died yesterday. He's been an outspoken force on the Court for as long as I've been interested in the law (late high school/early college) and most everyone who is somehow in the legal world has an opinion of him. Many people not in the legal world do, too.

Scalia was an interesting character in the Court. Oftentimes, I found myself frustrated & disgusted with things he said or wrote. He was a phenomenal writer, even when I wanted to scream bc I disagreed with him so strongly. But I was often at odds with his position on issues & I never counted him among my favorite justices (yes, I have favorites...RBG, I'm looking at you). His social views were appalling to me & I found much of his opinions lacking in any sense of empathy or feeling.

That being said, I cannot deny that some of the most important decisions in the realm of criminal law have been from Scalia. Before Scalia, the Confrontation Clause was essentially meaningless. The Confrontation Clause is the part of the Constitution that says if you're accused of a crime, you have the right to face your accusers in court & make them answer questions. In the past, it was permissible for hearsay statements to come in as evidence against a defendant if the judge determined the statements were reliable. No live testimony needed, just a submission of the statements. Scalia wrote the Crawford decision, which ended that practice. If someone is accusing you, you have the right to make them do so under oath & subject to cross-exam. The importance of Crawford can't be overstated. It changed the way trials & courts operated in a major way.

Scalia is also the reason that an actual scientist/lab person now has to come into court & testify about their results, rather than just submitting a report & calling it good.

Scalia was also a staunch supporter of the 4th Amendment & had a hearty distrust of the State as an actor bc the Founders had that same distrust. He often reminded the judiciary that judges are part of the State & that's why a jury is so important, bc they are NOT agents of the government. He wrote a brilliant dissent in Maryland v. King about the collection of DNA samples from people arrested for crimes but not convicted, in which he skewered the majority for trusting that the government would keep its word & limit the use of such DNA.

Scalia was a justice that I often felt was lacking in compassion & mercy, that was too hard-lined for my taste, and whose social views I absolutely hated. But I cannot completely vilify the man bc he also was a champion of the 4th Amendment & the Confrontation Clause, which are extremely significant legal areas.

I hope that whoever replaces him upholds the good things Scalia brought to the Court while also doing better in areas that Scalia was lacking.

So exciting!!!

I have a first-round interview w/ the federal PD office!!! I'm so over the moon that they are even interested in me enough to want to interview me. It would be absolutely incredible if I were to get the position. Even if I don't, being picked for an interview with the feds is SO cool!

Here's hoping!

More about DWI cases

To the person who wrote me a recent comment that I'm not going to publish, I want to say thank you so much for what you said. It was really touching & lifted my otherwise-rather-glum spirits. Thank you for taking the time to reach out & tell me your thoughts. It meant a lot.

In rather exciting news, a case from Minnesota has been picked up by the United States Supreme Court!!! This is probably the closest I'll ever get to being at SCOTUS, so I'm nerding out about it. It's even a case I've talked about to you all! It's the Bernard case involving whether or not the state can make it a crime to refuse to submit to a dwi test. I've voiced my opinion that I think it's wrong to charge a person with a crime for not consenting to a search. And the law in Minnesota on this topic continues to be a moving target. The court of appeals recently held that the state cannot make it a crime to refuse to provide a blood sample. The Bernard decision had dealt with breath samples--it's ok for the state to charge you with a crime if you refuse a breath sample.

So, presently, here's what we know on this topic:

If you're arrested for a dwi & refuse to provide a breath sample, you can be charged with test refusal.

If you're arrested for a dwi & refuse to provide a blood sample, you can't be charged with test refusal.

If you're arrested for a dwi & refuse to give a urine sample, who the hell knows? The courts haven't decided this yet.

To make the cluster even more fucked, the statute says that if a cop first asks for a blood sample & the person refuses, a urine or breath test must be offered instead and if a cop first asks for a urine sample & the person refuses, a blood or breath test must be offered. So you can refuse some tests but not others & some we don't know if you can refuse & sometimes the cops have to offer you a different test which you may or may not be able to refuse.

So. That's fun. Good luck trying to understand that mess.

The right to refuse the blood test causes the most trouble for drug-dwi cases, when it's not alcohol that's the issue, it's drugs. Unlike alcohol, you can't smell it on someone & it doesn't show up on a portable breath test. And many of the "possibly high" indicators are also "possibly medically related" indicators. I had a dwi case once where the police thought it had been drugs, but turned out the guy had had a seizure. Slow cognition, droopy eyelids, confusion, garbled speech...hard to say what causes that without a tox screen of the blood. And any defense attorney with half a brain would be able to get a case like that either outright dismissed or to win at trial if there's no proof of any drugs in the person's system. In the past if a person refused to give a blood sample, they'd still get charged with a crime for refusing. (The most ridiculous parts of the test refusal statute are that 1. The penalty for refusing is almost always more severe than failing the test, so ACTUALLY DRIVING WHILE INTOXICATED is less serious than not giving a sample and 2. Yo can be charged with & convicted of a dwi-test refusal even if you were 100% sober. So combine those two stupid things and you wind up with the possibility that a completely sober person who values their civil liberties & refuses to consent to a sample gets a gross misdemeanor dwi-test refusal charge with the possibility of a year in jail, while an actually intoxicated person driving with a BAC of .15 gets charged with a misdemeanor dwi with the possibility of 90 days in jail. Way to keep our roads safe, legislators!!!!)

The easiest fix to all of this is to just make cops get a warrant for a blood, breath, or urine sample. Then there's no arguments to be had about the test refusal law & what type of tests you can or can't refuse, etc. When I get a case w/ a warrant involved, my immediate reaction is, "well shit" bc most of the time, that will prevent any 4th Amendment arguments about unlawful searches or seizures. All that terrible, horrible, damning evidence that tanks any case we may have gets to all come in. And the thing I challenge the most during pretrial hrgs is warrantless searches (and not to brag, but I win a lot of those, too. Bc I'm a badass.). So, the quickest & easiest way to head off all these issues w/ dwi tests is to just get a damn warrant authorizing the police to collect a blood, breath, or urine sample.

However, the police & the state & the courts strongly dislike this option. Dwi cases make up a large chunk of criminal cases. And the state gets a shitload of money on the cases. On a misdemeanor dwi case, you can expect a $300-400 fine, $80-85 in "court costs" (aka your fee for using the court system), a $25 alcohol assessment fee (which goes to the state and not to the place where you get an alcohol assessment done), and a $680 license reinstatement fee. That's a lot of money. And it goes up from there. If your test is high enough, you pay the state $680 and you have to get an ignition interlock device installed in your car, which is a few hundred dollars & get the device read every month, which costs at least $100 each time. So, dwi cases are cash cows.

Yes, yes, I realize that drunk driving is a problem & people get hurt or killed. In law school one of my roommates was t-boned by a drunk driver & almost didn't make it. She ended up in a coma for 3 months & had yrs of rehab & still has ongoing problems from it. So I GET IT.

Still, dwi cases are a bankroll for the state. And if the police were required to get warrants, that would slow them down, although with the availability of telephone warrants now, not that much. And it's inconvenient. A lot of dwi arrests occur after bar close or on the weekends. Judges don't want to get constant 3:00 a.m. phone calls to issue warrants.

The fact that it's inconvenient or slows things down doesn't trump the 4th Amendment. At least, it shouldn't. And the courts have said that in the past. But when it comes to dwi cases, that doesn't seem to matter.

So, the answer to the problems w/ the test refusal cluster is "get a warrant" but since the legislature & courts don't like that solution, we get a giant mess. But now that SCOTUS has the Bernard case, hopefully we'll get some clarity.

Staying afloat

To start, a message for the people who have been leaving me hateful/hurtful comments lately--1) I have comment moderation turned on, so I have to approve your comments before they actually get posted, so no one will ever see your mean words because I'll never approve them. 2) If you dislike me so much, stop reading my blog. Seems fairly simple to me. 3) I actually don't care whether you approve of me or not, so if it means that much to you to say awful things anonymously via the internet, knock yourself out. Seems extremely petty to me, but you do whatever you need to make yourself feel better. 

Moving on...

As I've expressed on here, I'm struggling with my depression pretty badly lately.  I've had my medication dose increased and I've been doing the stuff to try to help myself through this rut--doing things that make me happy like sewing and painting and drawing, spending time with my friends and family, listening to/watching stand-up comedy, working out and eating well, etc. It's definitely better than when I was last going through a serious bout of depression, during my divorce, when all I did was sleep and work and cry and wake up every morning wishing I had died in my sleep.  So, on the positive note, I have learned from my divorce-induced depression stage how to cope with my depression periods much better and how to take care of myself during these periods. At least that's one positive. 

That being said, I really think I need to make a change and get out of this location I'm currently in. I don't particular enjoy living in rural Minnesota, especially when almost all my friends and family live rather far away from me. I would much prefer to live in the metro area. And I think I need to live in the metro area closer to the people I love in order for my mental health to be stable. I feel like if I can get back to the metro, my mental health situation will be much better. Of course,e I'll deal with depression no matter where I'm living. It's just part of who I am, like my thyroid condition or my hypersomnia.  It's just a part of me. I know that I will have difficult periods in the future. But I also know that certain things can aggravate my depression and make it much harder to cope. And one of the major things right now is that I live so far away from people that I care about and that I live in a location that I don't want to be living in. I don't enjoy living in rural areas. I like the city. I feel happiest in the city. 

I live out here because of my job. I love my job and I love my office and the people I work with. I have a fantastic group of people that I am lucky to not only have as co-workers, but also as my friends. I know that I have been extremely fortunate to have these people in my life. But, the only thing I have out here is work and that's not what I want my entire life to be about. Of course, being a public defender is a huge, important part of my life that I wouldn't want to give up, but it can't be the only thing in my life. And right now, it is. Because everything else is too far away. So, I need to be back in the metro. I need to be closer to my family especially. My poor mental health is affecting my ability to do my job, because I am having a hard time focusing on some days and I have difficulty lately feeling motivated. I don't get the same excitement about stuff the way I typically do when I am not dealing with feeling depressed.

Getting out of rural Minnesota is a necessity at this point. All I want to do is be a public defender and also be closer to my friends and family. I don't want to have it be either work or the rest of my life. I want the areas of my life to be in harmony together. 

In the meantime, I am working on trying to keep my head above water and not give in to the sadness and hopelessness that comes with depression. I am trying to make it through each day. 

I can't settle

I've been trying out online dating again, because apparently I like to torture myself. Dating is miserable & I hate it. Online dating is especially miserable. I have gone on a few dates & I'm pretty much over it now.

One date told me I should be more of a girly-girl. I'm pretty happy with the level of "girly" that I am, thanks. I like to look good, paint my nails & do my makeup & my hair, I like cute clothing, & I own a fair amount of pink items. I also have a sailor mouth, love a good dirty joke, & can't resist a perfect opportunity for a "that's what she said." I am a sassmouth with opinions & I'm brash & I am smarter, sharper, & wittier than most guys. If it freaks them out, too damn bad. I am who I am & I'm not going to be more girly just to appease some insecure dude's ego.

Quite a few guys talked to me online but never actually asked to meet in person. I don't ask men out first. It's my litmus test for their personality. I'm a very strong personality when my initial shyness wears off. If a guy can't get it together enough to ask me out first, he's quite likely going to be a pushover. I need & want someone who can match me in having a strong personality. I've dated guys who aren't a match in that sense & I end up dominating the entire relationship & lose interest in him. So, I never ask men out first.

Another date went decently enough, but there was zero chemistry between us. He was nice & funny & attractive enough, buy I wasn't attracted to him physically or mentally. No spark, no draw, no chemistry. I can't date someone I have no chemistry with. It just feels dull somehow.

In both my relationship w/ YKW & Guy, there was immediate, intense chemistry, and both parties felt it. It was intoxicating to be with them, it made me giddy to have any interaction with them, & I felt dizzy with emotion. I need to have that in a relationship. Of course, that's not enough to sustain a relationship, it takes more than just chemistry to make it work, but I do need that to start a relationship.

People tell me it's extremely rare to have that w/ someone. I know this. I also know that I've been incredibly lucky to have had it twice in my life. But I also know that having experienced it means that I can't settle for anything less. I can't grow into liking someone. I can't develop it after we've been dating for awhile. If I meet someone & the spark isn't there, I'm not dating them. Period. End of story. It's there or it's not.

People tell me I am being unrealistic, that I shouldn't rule someone or just because there's no immediate spark. But I've dated guys in the past that I didn't have a spark with & it's just...flat. Having experienced that spark, anything less feels like listening to a symphony w/ ear plugs in, like touching something with gloves on. It's diluted, dulled, blunted, less enjoyable & less satisfying. Sure, I might still be able to hear the symphony to some extent or get the general feeling of something w/ yr gloves on. But it's significantly diminished. And it's a poor substitute.

I don't want a diminished substitute relationship. I don't want to settle for anything less than the full richness, the full experience. I know this is rare to find it, especially for a third time. And I realize I'll likely be alone because I won't take anything less. But I'd rather that than settle.

Hello Darkness, my old friend

My depression is in full-swing currently. It's misery every day lately. It's not just bc of Guy, although the breakup did initiate this period of depression. It's everything. I realized yesterday that if I could start over at 18, I would redo every major decision I've ever made in my life. I would choose differently every single time. That realization has made me feel even more depressed, bc it means my entire adult life has been a waste. I wouldn't go to law school. I wouldn't be a lawyer. I wouldn't date or marry YKW. I wouldn't date Guy, either in college or this time around. I wouldn't have moved out to the sticks. I wouldn't have taken a job out in the sticks. Literally every single major decision I've made, I would redo it by not doing it at all. Everything I thought would happen, everything I wanted my life to be, it hasn't worked out bc all the decisions I've made were wrong.

My life feels useless right now. I feel like my entire existence is pointless presently. Objectively, I know it's not true. I can remove myself enough from the emotional wreck that I am to look at things objectively & realize that objectively, there are things I do that matter & people who care about me. But logically knowing that & feeling that are two separate things. I do not feel like that, no matter how much I may objectively be able to know that. And it's the feeling that's killing me.

I've read somewhere that depression feels like drowning but seeing everyone else breathe. But that's not been my experience. For me, it's like slowly have your air supply cut off, rather than the abrupt suffocation of drowning. It's like being in a room where the air is slowly running out, a little bit at a time, so that it takes awhile for the suffocation to occur. So that you have time to really feel it creeping up on you, really feel it leeching away your ability to keep going. It's not a fast thing, but a painstakingly slow & drawn out thing. And as it happens, you know it's happening & it feels like there's nothing that can be done about it. So you either resign yourself to your fate of slow suffocation or, in some cases, you speed up the process & end things. That's not my option, but I certainly struggle with the first option, simply resigning myself to my fate, accepting that things will never get any better, believing that it will always feel like this. It's hard not to, bc that's what the slow suffocation does--it chips away at your strength, a little at a time. If it were drowning, you'd fight furiously to save yourself. But when it's slow & insidious, it's harder to fight. It's already gotten a hold of you by the time you realize it and it's already stolen away pieces of your strength.

So that's where I am at right now. Struggling against the slow suffocation that is my depression. Feeling like it's hopeless, feeling like my efforts will be pointless. Feeling like I am resigned to my fate. It's a bleak place bc it feels like it will never change. Even if I can objectively tell myself that it eventually will. It's the feeling that's hard to overcome.

All aboard the struggle bus

Hey guys, guess what? I bet you'll be totally surprised when I say this, but I'm not at all happy lately. Shocker, eh? Oh, right, no, not at all. That's basically my usual state.

I try really hard to not feel this way. I really do. But I always seem to end up back here for some reason. Like my life is destined to be a horrible suck-fest no matter how hard I try. I hate it. I hate that I can't get out of this.

Lately, it's pretty much my entire life that's dragging me down. I hate wear I live right now so much. I thought I could handle it but it's been way harder than I ever imagined it would be. I'm miserable here. Miserable. I am not exaggerating when I say that I feel like living here is slowly killing me. I love my job, but even that isn't enough anymore to keep me going. If I don't get out of here soon, I'm going to lose it. I'll just be a sad, pathetic shell of myself.

I'm doing everything I can to change things but nothing is working so far. I don't know what I'll do but I know I can't do this much longer.

Unpopular opinion

Recently Adele came out with a new single, "Hello," and the world collectively lost its mind. Everyone was singing its praises & expounding on how it left them in tears. I loved her first 2 albums. 19 & 21 were my "sing at the top of my lungs & bawl" albums when I was heartbroken about the divorce. She captured my feelings so eloquently. I haven't been able to listen to either album since then bc it brings back such powerful feelings for me. Which made me sad bc I loved them so much, even before the divorce. I loved her sound since the moment I heard "Rollin in the Deep." It was so unique & interesting & THAT VOICE!!

So I was happy to hear that 25 was coming out, bc then I could have a new Adele album to love that wasn't soaked in memories & emotion. But, I didn't want to listen to "Hello" right away. I was worried it would make me think of Guy & then that breakup would ruin this album for me. So I purposely didn't rush to listen to it. But one morning I heard it on the radio & decided to not change the station. Her voice was flawless, of course, & the song was beautiful, as expected. But I hated it. I hated it bc the lyrics enraged me as I listened to it.

"Hello" is the most selfish, inconsiderate, self-absorbed song I've heard. And that's why I hate it.

At first, it's ok, the selfishness is not immediately apparent:

"Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing.

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet.

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles."

Aww that seems so heartbreakingly sweet. So far, so good, pretty, sad, everything you want from Adele. Then, the chorus comes & it's all over:

"Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home."

Oh. I see. You broke my heart & now, years later, you want to come back & tell me how sorry you are & talk about how great things were when we were together. Sorry you've got buyer's remorse now, but what makes you think I want to hear from you after all these years?

"Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly
Doesn't tear you apart anymore."

Seriously??? First off, you're only interested in apologizing if I'm still all broken up about the shit you pulled on me years ago? How about you apologize because you want to be a decent person? Second off, you expect me to still be a mess over you after all these years? You legit think you are that fantastic that someone is going to be torn up about you after you crapped on their heart & after yrs have passed? You really think you're that special?

The song goes on with similar lyrics & the entire time I am just turned off & disgusted by it. It's such a dick song, couched in Adele's soaring vocals & heartfelt tone so you don't realize how much of a bitch it makes her seem. And it works--people LOVE this song. They cry over it. I'm pretty much the only person who hasn't fallen in love with this song. Because as long as the lyrics are sung with emotion & the music matches that, people don't care what the song is really about.

Don't believe me? Many yrs ago, Blues Traveler wrote a song exactly about this concept. It's called "Hook." It's a great song, full of emotion, and people didn't realize he was singing about how everyone is suckers. And he pulls no punches, starting the song by telling you exactly what the deal is:

"It doesn't matter what I say
As long as I sing with inflection.
That makes you feel I'll convey
Some inner truth or vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks."

Later in the song he even says:

"There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near."

But that song blew up & I challenge you not to get some emotional response to it, even knowing it's about how you a giant sucker.

So, in sum, "Hello" sucks & it's a dick song & no one realizes it bc it's hidden in the music.

Moving forward

Well, I had my first post-breakup date today. We met for coffee (I had hot chocolate) at 11:00 this morning. It went pretty well overall, although there weren't any sparks flying. He was nice & friendly & we had a good conversation. I wasn't super impressed with his clothing choice, since he showed up in a track jacket, running pants, & a baseball hat. I mean, we were just going for coffee so I didn't expect a suit or anything but he looked like he'd just rolled out of bed. And when he'd take his hat off, it looked like he either hadn't showed at all that day or he had showered & then put his hat on while his hair was still wet. So, his effort into his appearance was marginal at best. But he was nice & there wasn't any weird awkward silences. There wasn't any real chemistry there, though.

I might be spoiled bc with both Guy & YKW, there was this intense physical & mental attraction to the other person, where I found the attraction I had for both of them to be almost intoxicating. I was starry-eyed around both of those two, so I want that again. I want to be with someone who I'm intensely attracted to, both mentally & physically. This guy today wasn't unattractive, despite his terrible clothing selection. He was decently attractive. But there wasn't any spark, no chemistry, no intense attraction. Just like talking to a friend.

I don't know...is it typical not to have that intense draw to the other person? Do people just like the other person a lot & find them decently attractive & think it's good? Did I just manage to get extremely lucky to have found not one but two relationships w/ someone who I'm overwhelmingly drawn to & he, to me? Maybe it's not the norm to feel that way? Maybe I shouldn't be so concerned w/ that since neither of those relationships worked out. Maybe I should be more focused on finding someone who is stable, rather than finding someone I'm drawn to so intensely? And since I'm getting older, not younger, maybe I can't expect to have that sort of attraction with another person? I don't know.

The point is I made it through my first date and that's a big deal. I wish I could say that it meant that I was over Guy, but I'm not. But I am getting out there & trying & that's a step in the right direction.

So much for justice

This actually happened recently in my office.

Defendant applied for a public defender on a Monday. Defendant was in jail when he applied & was going to be in custody until his next hrg. Next hrg was scheduled on Friday at 1:00 p.m. 

Court reviewed the application for a public defender on Friday about 12:00 p.m. The clerk emailed our office at 12:15 p.m.to say that the defendant was appointed to our office & the hrg was in 45 minutes. No attorneys where in the office (bc it was lunch time) & even if they were, the county where this court is located is 45 minutes away, so the attorney would have zero time to talk to the defendant before the hrg. Our staff notified the court that there were no attorneys available on such short notice.

The defendant's hrg still took place, without a public defender present. Somehow the court got the defendant to agree to proceed w/o counsel (probably threw us under the bus & said we wouldn't send anyone, but failed to mention that we couldn't send anyone bc we weren't given advanced notice of the hrg). At a contested probation hrg.

Fabulous. Justice clearly served.

How to help someone who's struggling with depression

I'm currently in the mIddle of a pretty bad period of depression. Not as bad as when I was depressed about YKW, which is good, but I'm having more difficulty coping bc I don't live as close to my friends & family now as I did when I was going through my divorce. Having a support system is really important & I know I'm not helping myself bc I don't ask for help. But part of why I don't ask for help is bc people feel uncomfortable when you call & say, "my mental health has deteriorated recently & I need some support." It can also be difficult to lean on people bc they may not know how to help someone with depression. The natural inclination is to try to fix it, to ask questions about what's wrong, or to try to encourage them to have fun. None of those things are wrong, necessarily, but they may not be what's needed at the time. So, as someone who has dealt with depression most of my life, here are some things that people have done for me that really helped when I was struggling.

1. Be there for them. I don't mean just in an emotional way, although if they need that, by all means. I am talking about physically being present with them. That's all. Sometimes, when I'm struggling, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to go do things, I don't want to feel obligated to pretend I'm okay, I just want to sit & watch tv, but I don't want to do it alone. As the friend in this situation, this is probably boring & possibly uncomfortable & not how you'd choose to spend time, sitting on the couch w/ a depressed person, but to the depressed person, it's HUGE. Sometimes, we just want someone to sit with us bc part of our depression is feeling lonely & uncared for. By being willing to physically just be there for them, it can really help.

2. Invite yourself over. Don't wait until the person asks for your company, bc they may not feel like they can ask, especially if they are in need of #1. "Hey will you come over & just sit on my couch with me?" We don't always feel like we can ask people to be with us when we know we're not going to be much fun. We don't want to drag others down & we assume our depression will make you feel bad. So we don't reach out. So call & say, "I'm coming over on Saturday." They may initially protest bc they worry you'll be expecting them to be fun company, but if you insist, they'll finally relent bc usually they do want your company.

3. Invite them to do things. Again, don't wait for them to reach out. And be prepared to have to do things close to their location and/or have to go pick them up. Depression robs a person of their motivation & even small tasks seem huge & impossible. So, even if they agree to get together, if it's far away or they have to drive themselves, they may end up backing out. If you control picking them up or make it easy by doing things closer to them, it's less likely they can back out. They aren't backing out bc they don't want to go, but bc it feels too overwhelming to get into the car & drive.

4. Understand that depression is a form of pain & treat the person accordingly. The things we say to depressed people are awful & we would never say them to people in physical pain. Imagine your friend had been in a terrible accident & lost their arm. The pain is intense & overwhelming for your friend. Would you look at them and say, "Try to focus on the positive-it could always be worse! You could have lost a leg, too." What about, "Someone somewhere has it worse than you, they lost both arms. Be grateful for what you have." Or the platitudes, "This will pass eventually," "time heals all wounds," or "you'll be okay eventually." Those things may all be true, but when your friend is in extreme agony bc of the pain from losing their arm, it's absurd to say things like that to them. The same is true for someone with depression. The pain is different, but can be just as real & intense. So, don't say things like that. It doesn't help at all. We know you mean well, but it makes things worse bc it minimizes the pain we feel. Find other ways to express your support.
"I won't leave you."
"I'm here."
"I'm so sorry you are going through this."
"What do you need right now?"
"I love you."

5. Don't expect them to act normal. Depression makes it hard to be our normal selves. It takes over every thought in our heads & every emotion. So when we are together, please don't expect me to be my normal self. If I'm not laughing or talking or it seems like I'm not enjoying myself, just let it be. I am grateful to be out w/ you, but it's too hard to fight off the depression all the time & pretend to be happy when I'm not. So, let me just be the way I am at that moment. Just like a person with a broken leg needs some accommodations while they are healing, so does the depressed person. A lot of why we don't actively seek out the company of others is bc we know our sadness makes you uncomfortable, so we know we'll have to fake feeling okay. And that can seem like an insurmountable task. So we don't spend time with people, even though we may want to, bc we can't put on a happy face. In order to help us, let us be whatever we are at that time. Don't try to get us to be normal or participate more. Just let us be there & having as much fun as we can at that time.

6. Don't expect us to want to talk about it. The kindest thing you can do is not force the person to discuss why they feel the way they do. They may not know why. Or they do know but talking about it makes the pain worse, so they don't want to talk about it. Simply say, "We don't have to talk about why you are feeling this way right now, but if you decide you want to talk, I will listen."

7. Don't tell us how to fix it. Yoga, exercise, finding a hobby, focusing on good things, mindfulness, meditation, therapy, medication, being around people, counting your blessings...We already know all the ways to "combat" depression. We may not be in a place where we can take those steps, however. Or we may already be doing them. Or we may have already tried them. Or we may not feel like they will help us. The bottom line is we know what the advice is to deal with depression. We don't need to hear it again. A better idea would be to ask, "What things have you been doing to try to alleviate some of your pain?" And then ask if they want you to join in on an activity they have been doing. "You've said you've been going out for a walk every day. Do you want to go for a walk together?" The combination of an activity they've been doing to self-soothe plus a supportive person is double the positive effects.

8. Check up on them. Randomly drop by to see how they are. Send them a text throughout the week reminding them that you're thinking of them & you're here if they want to talk (but it's ok if they don't). Send them an actual card in the mail. My mom did this when I was going through my divorce & she still does it. It brightens even the darkest day, bc I know she took the time to find a card, write me a little message, find a stamp, & put it in the mail for me. Leave a little note on their desk at work. Tell them often that you love them. Depression has a way of convincing us that we are unwanted, or more often for me, that I am forgotten. I struggle a lot with feeling like people only like me when I'm around, like a novelty or something. I know people care about me, but depression convinces me that they only care when I'm around, that when I'm not around no one ever thinks about me or  cares about me. So, let the depressed person know that you think of them when you're not together. It will go a long way. It's a simple thing that can dramatically lessen their sadness. I have recently received a text from 2 of my friends, one of whom I don't see very often at all, telling me they love me & are thinking about me. It's helped a lot to hear that. So, even if it's just an email, a text, a call, a card, check up on them & let them know that they are in your thoughts even when you're not together.

Those are the ones I can think of now. There might be more that will come to me later on and I'll update it. But these tips are a start.

I Need a Reset

I'm truly at a point where I don't think I can take anymore. I thought I knew what hopelessness was after YKW left, but I had no idea. The bleakness I'm feeling lately is all-encompassing. It's horrible & awful & suffocating.

After YKW left, I felt like I was not going to ever be happy again. It was a feeling of resignation, of realizing I'd be forever pushing the boulder up the hill but still pushing it. It was a shitty feeling but it wasn't overwhelming. It just felt like what I had to do. This was my lot in life, this was what I'd been given, so I had to keep pushing my boulder up the hill. But it wasn't overwhelming.

This time, my depression has become overwhelming. I feel like I'm suffocating from it, like it's taking over my whole brain & shutting down my ability to think rationally. I'm feeling like I'm dying slowly & my brain is going into a sort of panic mode, where it's compelling me to do something, anything, to get out. I keep having panicked thoughts about how I need to get out, I need to escape, I need to go, I can't be in this situation anymore, I have to find a way out. It's becoming increasingly harder to function on a daily basis (which typically has not been a problem, I've usually been able to function even when dealing with incredible depression) & it's becoming increasingly harder to maintain a semblance of being normal & okay. For the majority of my life, I have been able to hide my depression & unhappiness from 99.9% of people in my life. So it's become second nature to me to put on a happy face, crack some witty jokes to deflect, & convince  everyone that I'm fine. But, that doesn't seem to be the case right now. Right now, I am fighting the urge to pack up some shit in my car, grab the cats, & drive away as fast & as far as I can. Logically, I understand that doing that will not help me at all & will likely only cause me more complications. But my anxiety-and-depression fueled emotional thoughts are yelling as loud & sometimes louder than my logical thoughts. So I'm struggling to hold my shit together. Really, really struggling, more than I ever have in the past.

I know part of the problem is that my thyroid level is off again. I had a dr appt on Oct. 6 & my level is still pretty high despite being on a pretty high dose of replacement thyroid hormone, so I have to see an endocrinologist now to try to get a handle on it (of course...bc everything in my life had to be extra complicated). And one of the symptoms of having a thyroid level that is too high is depression. So I know that that is part of what's going on with me. But, that is likely only exacerbating the situation, not causing it.

I'm really unhappy with a lot of things in my life right now. I'm actively trying to change those things that are causing me to be so unhappy, but some of it isn't within my control. So, I'm limited in how much I can do, but I am doing what I can. But I feel so disheartened & overwhelmed by everything. I feel like even if I am able to make changes to the things are distressing me, that ultimately it won't make any difference. I'm afraid that everything I do will end up making no difference at all & I'll be disappointed & depressed again by my efforts amounting to nothing.

I really need to have a fresh start. I think that is really the only thing that will help me stop feeling that panicky, "let me out!" feeling. I don't know if it will cure my entire depression problem, but it will certainly help to fix some of the things that are causing me such distress right now. I need to Etch-a-Sketch my life.

And I need it to happen soon. I am barely keeping a lid on the anxious, panicked thoughts right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep trudging along when my brain is screaming at me to find a way to escape my current situation. I don't know how long it will be until my emotions are louder than my reason & I pack up the car & drive away.

This is a normal workplace conversation

Actual conversation I had at work recently while discussing the various criminal sexual conduct statutes...

In order to fully get this, you should first know that the law defines "sexual penetration" as intercourse, oral sex, & penetration by fingers/hands & it defines "sexual contact" as touching of the sexual body parts. For a woman, this would mean touching of the outer parts of her genitals w/o penetration. You are welcome for that graphic explanation.

Co-worker: Is it possible to have sexual penetration on a woman w/o having sexual contact?

(Pause while I think about that)

Me: Technically, yes, I think so, but it would depend what position she's in.

What do YOU talk about w/ your co-workers?

Trial again

Back in trial again this week. So, as usual, I'm extremely exhausted.

More later. Right now, I need to sleep.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

I saw Guy on Thursday night. First time since we broke up. He had some things of mine I wanted so he came to my place to bring them to me & to have dinner. At first it was a bit strained bc we hadn't talked in a long time & neither of us really knew how the other would be. But it was decent dinner conversation & afterwards, he suggested we watch a stand-up comedy, since we both enjoy that. So we fired up Tom Segura (who is very funny btw) & had a nice time watching that. During the show, I shifted around to stretch out my back since it was stuff from weight lifting the night before. As I was doing that, Guy reached over & started scratching my back. Then he draped his arm around my waist & we cuddled while watching the rest of the show, with his head on my shoulder. He told me a number of times how good it was to see me.

After the show was over, we kept sitting on the couch, cuddled together & chatting about inconsequential things. Then he said out of nowhere, "It's so easy to just pick right back up with you. We always just get along so well when we're together." He was quiet for a bit & then said that he has always felt so drawn to me, that there was this sort of gravity to me that pulls him to me. I agreed & he said that we just have this connection that keeps bringing us together.

He kissed me & after a minute, I said that it was probably a terrible idea for us to be doing that & he said that was probably true. He told me that when he's with me, he doesn't know what he wants to do bc he really needs to have time to be on his own to figure out who he is when he's on his own, but he also loves being with me so much. He said being with me confuses him & makes him uncertain of what he wants to do. He told me that he didn't know how long it would take him before he felt ready to be in a relationship again & that he didn't want me to put my life on hold for him. I explained that I wasn't putting my life on hold for him at all & pointed out all the things I've been doing & the plans I've been making for my future & I said that none of those things have changed. I made it clear that as much as I care about him, I wasn't putting my life on hold for him. He said that was good & that all he wants for me is to be happy, with or without him. He said he wanted to see me again bc he was having a really nice evening (and bc he wasn't able to find one of the things I needed back from him so he's still got to return that to me) but didn't know what we were or how things would work btwn us. I suggested that we date on a casual basis, not as a serious relationship. He said he hadn't considered that before & would have to give it some thought. I pointed out that we haven't ever been able to just be friends when we're together, that we always end up acting like a couple, & that it wasn't likely that that would ever change. He agreed with that & said that it might work to date on a more casual basis & that he'd give it some thought. He said he thinks I'm so unbelievably cool about everything & I'm always so easy to talk to & to feel comfortable with.

We ended the evening with him telling me again how nice it was to see me again & how much he'd enjoyed our time together. We talked about how he was going on an 8-day fishing trip next week & that the week he would be back, that I'm starting a serious crim sex trial so we'd both be pretty busy for the next couple weeks, but that he'd like to get together again after that. He gave me another kiss before he left & said we'd get together again soon. He texted me when he got home to let me know he'd gotten home safely & thanked me again for a nice night.

I'm smart enough to realize how problematic this situation is w/ him & how easily I could end up hurt again. My brain is screaming at me to sever all ties with him so I can't get hurt by him again. My heart, however, is not listening to my brain. Right or wrong, there is some connection there, that neither time nor distance nor prior hurt can seem to erase. I don't know what, if anything, will ultimately happen btwn us. Maybe we'll finally get the timing right & things will work out btwn us & maybe we will end up going our separate ways & never see each other again. That's not something I can worry about right now. For the time being, seeing him doesn't change anything I'm doing or any plans I have for my future. It was nice to see him again but I did mean what I said when I told him I wasn't going to put my life on hold. I never have in all the time we've known each other & I don't intend to now.

The one thing that made me happy to hear was that he also felt this connection, this draw, that we have. After we broke up this time, I wondered if I had imagined that btwn us, saw something that wasn't really there. I felt like I was crazy & I was upset that I had been wrong about things btwn us. I hadn't ever really talked w/ him in any detail about how I felt like we had a unique connection that kept bringing us back to each other, so the fact that he described feeling drawn to me & having an enduring connection w/ me made me feel like I wasn't crazy. It made me feel better to know I hadn't been imagining things. Even if we were to never see each other again, at least I know that the things I felt were real. After YKW left, I was so upset that everything I thought we had btwn us had been completely false. That was one of the hardest things to cope with was wondering if any part of the relationship had been real or not. So, regardless of the end result btwn me & Guy, at least I know that the things I felt btwn us were really there & the connection I felt was real.

I know all the problems this can cause me. But for the time being, I'm not going to stress about it. I don't have the energy to do that. I will keep doing the things I have been doing & he'll do what he needs to do & we'll likely keep coming back into each other's lives bc we can't stay away. I'm not going to chase after him, but I know I won't be able to ignore him when he calls. Whatever we have btwn us, it's intense & I don't know that I'm strong enough to resist. I never have been.

I'm my own support person

My efforts to focus on myself to help me through this breakup has been paying off for me. While I'm still pretty emotional on some days (albeit significantly fewer than at first), I have been able to channel my unhappy feelings into exercise to help me feel better. It's not only a good way for me to boost my mood & feel less like crying, it's also had the added benefit of shaving off 30 pounds. So, it helps me emotionally & mentally, plus it has been great for me physically as well. Losing weight was a process I'd started before the breakup, but now that I have more time for myself post-breakup, I've really been able to dedicate myself to it. Since getting dumped has a tendency to make a person feel bad about themselves, the weight loss has been a good way to combat that. I know I look better than I have in a long time & that helps me feel better about myself overall. Not to mention, it felt GREAT when I had to take in my suit pants by 3.5 inches last week bc they were falling off me.

After he sent me that text about how he always wants to hear what I really have to say & that true friends are open & honest w/ each other, I took some time & on Friday last week sent a response. I said I had several thoughts about what he'd said but it wasn't really a conversation that should be done via text. I said that at least part of why I didn't feel like I could really talk to him anymore was because half the time, when I have talked to him, I get no response back, which makes me feel like I'm being ignored. And feeling ignored doesn't lead to a lot of real open & honest discussion. I said I didn't have any idea what he wanted since he was saying one thing & doing the other, so if he really wants to talk to me he knows how to get ahold of me. But I would not be contacting him anymore & I has taken his info out of my phone. That was last Friday. I haven't heard a single thing from him since. But I'm not surprised. Discussing things is not exactly his strong suit, so I doubt he wanted to have a conversation w/ me about that. He wanted to just say, "you can always talk to me" and leave it at that w/o any further discussion. But that's not realistic & I wasn't going to pretend that it was. I also wasn't going to force him to talk to me about it either, bc there's no point.

So, I haven't spoken to him in a week now. It can be hard at times, bc we used to talk every day. But things change. And I know that eventually I won't still miss talking to him. I missed YKW desperately for a very long time but I hardly ever think about him anymore. And I know logically I'll get to that w/ Guy. It sucks for now, but I've done it before so I know what to expect & I have experience weathering the storm.

Most people think he'll eventually contact me again. I have my doubts about that, but most people seem to think he'll eventually want to start talking again. If that happens, I suppose my reaction will depend a lot on where I'm at in my life. If I don't hear from him for another 10 years like last time, I doubt I'll have any real desire to talk to him. People keep asking me what I'll do if he contacts me but I don't know. In part because I don't think it will happen & in part because it will depend.

But, regardless of what he does, I'm moving forward. I'm focusing on myself & what makes me happy. Because at the end of the day, the only person I can really, truly count on is myself.

The Reality

Guy informed me that I can always tell him important things & that the breakup didn't change that he knows me better than most people & that true friends talk honestly & openly & that he will always want to hear what I really have to say about things. I wish that were true, but of course it's not.

I can't tell him what I really think about things now. He's demonstrated he's not a safe person for me to confide in. I've opened my heart to him twice now, something that I've never done for anyone else, and twice I've been rejected. Twice after I've laid my heart out to him I've been told, in one way or another, that I'm not enough for him, I'm not what he wants. The more I open up to him, the less he wants me around. How could I ever think I can still talk to him after that? And when he broke up with me this time, he told me he felt "shackled" by being with me & that there were things about me that he despises. Again, how could I feel comfortable sharing things with him when the more I've opened up to him, the less he thinks of me? No one would open up to someone under those circumstances. And let's not forget that even after I'd poured my heart out to him about how much it had hurt me when YKW cheated on me & then left me, Guy still went ahead & did the exact same thing, which almost seems like he was trying to hurt me in the worst possible way he knew how, using what I'd shared w/ him against me.

And even if that weren't the situation, it still wouldn't work. I can't tell him how I feel or what I think. I'd look crazy & desperate & pathetic. And he'd resent me after a bit. Like I'm supposed to tell him that I still miss him every day? That I still cry 4-5 days a week about him? That I wish so badly that he'd call me & say he made a huge mistake? When he starts dating someone else, I'm supposed to tell him how distraught that makes me? How it breaks my heart all over again? That I hope she makes him miserable & he leaves her soon? No, I can't tell him those things. Those are things I'd never be able to actually say to him now. Because things do change when people break up. YKW knew me better than anyone in the world for a long time, but now he doesn't know anything about me. A breakup means a severing of that emotional intimacy that comes from being in a couple. That's the point of a breakup, to stop having that type of relationship with the other person. So, things have changed, whether he realizes it or not.

And he doesn't know me as well as he apparently thinks he does. He had no confidence in my ability to make positive changes in my life when I said I was willing to work on things in our relationship. He said I could never do it. Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it no matter how impossible it may seem. When I told my mom I was going to law school, she thought I was going to be disappointed when it wouldn't work out bc we couldn't afford that (she didn't tell me that at the time, only much later). But I made it happen anyway, despite some serious obstacles in my way initially. I have met every goal I have set for myself in my life & the fact that I'm tenacious & determined is something anyone who knows me even a little bit would know about me. But he didn't know that. He thought I was a lost cause, that it was impossible for me to make changes. In the last month since the breakup, I've made pretty significant changes in my life already, so he was obviously not right about me. Because he doesn't really know me.

We had only been dating for a year & a half. I'm an extremely private person (not that you'd know from this blog, but that's bc my name isn't attached to it so I feel more free in being honest on here) & I am very slow to open up to people. I take a long time to let my guard down & very few people ever REALLY get to see the entire person that I am. Very few people ever get to know my deep thoughts & fears & concerns. He wasn't there yet. Eventually he would have been, but he wasn't there yet. It takes a long time to get there. There are only one or two people on this earth who REALLY know me completely. Those people have known me for over a decade, who have walked with me through the happiest & saddest times in my life. He isn't one of those people. Maybe he could have been over time, but he wasn't yet.

The sentiment is nice, this idea that he's still there for me to share things with. He does know I don't let many people in & that I HATE losing people I've let in. So I'm guessing he is trying to communicate that he's still here for me. But, he's not, bc he can't be, bc that's not how things work. I can't be honest with him now. I have to pretend I'm fine, even when I'm not. I have to stay silent about the things I want to say. I have to keep secret the things I really feel.