I'm old

I used to wear high heels all the time. In college, I used to go dancing in pointy-toe stiletto heels every weekend with no problem.
Yesterday I wore a round toe short heel to work. By the time I got home, I could barely walk because my feet hurt.
Sigh...

Oh you fancy, huh?

After a little more than 3 1/2 years, I've changed offices. I got to  take an office that is slightly bigger office than my old office AND my new office has windows! I'm liking it. Moving my stuff sucked, but whatev. I'm big time now, with my windows.  Baller, baby!

At some point, I should think about looking into this concept of growing up

My step dad is out of the hospital. They were able to shrink the massive clot in his lung enough for him to be released. He is still really fragile, weak, and very ill, but no longer on the verge of death. The icu dr said if he had waited even one more day, the clot would have moved to his heart and likely killed him. It moved that way while he was in the icu but they were able to do something about it. Had he not been there, it would have been a different situation.
Still not divorced yet. We have talked about the last of the details so I'm expecting to get the papers every day that I open my mailbox but so far, nothing. So, I'm still waiting on that.
As usual, I once again was the epitome of maturity as I waited in the courtroom for my turn and listened to the prosecutor give an offer of the facts the state would intend to prove at trial. It was a case where apparently a witness statement included the term "pee pee" and as a result, the prosecutor repeatedly had to say "pee pee." There was something too hilarious about a 48 year old man who is extremely intelligent and very professional saying "pee pee" over and over again. I had a serious case of the church giggles over it. After the hearing was done, I said to him, "Hehehe, I heard you say 'pee pee.' Hehehe." To which he grinned and replied, "I know!" So there you go...your public defender may be silently holding in her giggling at the most immature and ridiculous things. You just never know. Can you believe they gave me a law degree? Ahahaha, I'm hearing him say "pee pee" in my head as I'm writing this and it's making me giggle again.
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same sh*t, different day. Just me, Ward, and dumb baby Hubert doing what we do, living the thug life.
Which of course means watching Sister Wives and taking a nap. Because seriously...wtf, Sister Wives? W.T.F.?

It's Moving Day

Just like in "The Secret of NIMH." Minus the deadly tractor.
I hate moving. I hate this move especially, since I'm down two family members in this move. What a crapper...
But I'm trying to convince myself this is my fresh start, time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life as a young, (still not technically but might as well be for all intents and purposes) single, professional lady, blazing a trail and all that other feel-good empowerment crap.  We will see if I can make myself believe that.
And I'm off, to haul the multiple boxes of my life to the new apt that will be the first apt I have ever lived in all by myself for the entire time. It's definitely going to be a different experience.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

Well, we are traveling home today. Won't be in until pretty late tonight, which doesn't include the hour we lose switching from mountain time back to central time.  It was a wonderful vacation and really neat to get to see so many excellent sites and gorgeous scenery.  I got to add three magnets to my refrigerator magnet collection (that's my thing--I collect magnets from every place I go each time I go there, one for each trip. I don't currently have very many, but I hope that eventually I will have more) and I got to spend time with my good friends. It was really nice and it was cool to do things I've never been able to do before!
But it's back to reality when I get home. And by "reality," I mean a trip to the doctor's office, a long weekend of packing my entire apartment into boxes to prepare to move in about two weeks, and cleaning my entire apartment before moving out. Blech. I have to do that intense, super-deep-cleaning that is required when you move out of a place...oven, vacuum every nook and cranny, clean the fridge, defrost the freezer and clean that... This is the part I hate the most about moving. It takes at least a few days and a couple of very generous friends to get everything done that is required. It's so exhausting. So, once I get back to Minnesota, it's a long weekend of that! Yay... I took a couple days off work in order to get everything done because I'll be doing most of it on my own. Normally, YKW would be around to help me pack and the job would go much faster, but it's just me so it's going to take a few days...sigh. I hate moving... Oh well. It must be done.

This is why I am not really great at being a grown-up

Yesterday, here were my thoughts:
"Tomorrow, I will get up before 9:00, do all the errands I haven't had time to do lately, make sure to get my oil changed finally, and have everything wrapped up by like 5:00 p.m. Then I will make a great, healthy dinner and go for a walk after dinner."
Today, I woke up at 9:35. I ate breakfast. I haven't changed out of my pajamas. I haven't gotten my oil changed. I did nothing that I told myself that I would do.
The day wasn't a total loss, though. I DID manage to watch like 7 episodes of shows that I have had on my DVR for months.

Isn't there a Mulligan for your life?

I have never wanted so badly to get into my car and just drive away.  I worked super hard when I was younger so that life would be easier and happier when I got older but that didn't exactly work out.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things.  Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in.  The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else.  I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything.  I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant.  I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing.  It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.

Blah

So lately I've been feeling very blah.  I'm not sure why.  It's not low thyroid meds, since I'm on a new dose and have been for awhile and I'm feeling better overall now.  So it's not that.  I'm not sure what the problem is. 


I've been feeling just kind of bored with everything, I guess.  There's not anything in particular that is wrong.  It's just sort of routine and boring.  I feel like it's my own personal "Groundhog's Day."  Every day seems to bleed into the next one and the next and the next. 


I can't say I'm unhappy necessarily.  I'm just bored.  Everything is fine.  Work has been the best (read: least overwhelming and fewest crying sessions) that it has been pretty much since I started.  Hat is still wonderful as always.  We aren't lacking for anything and we have most of the creature comforts that you'd expect--cable, internet, big ol' TV (thanks again, Dad!), video game systems, functioning cars (with warranties still for extra bonuses), etc, etc.  But, I'm still bored/blah.  


I sort of wonder if the problem is that I'm out of goals.  I've accomplished the major life goals I set for myself when I was younger.  Go to college--check.  Go to law school--check.  Get a good job making decent money/not be on welfare like I was as a child--check.  Get a job as a public defender--check.  Get married to someone awesome--check.  Aaaaand now I'm done...so, I'm supposed to be basking in the gloriousness of my accomplishments.  Instead, I'm constantly thinking, "This is it? Getting up at 5:00 a.m. is not what I'd expected as basking in the gloriousness..."  It's a lot less spectacular than I had expected. 


And being a grown-up is a total rip-off.  It's no where near as awesome as I thought it would be when I was a kid.  Being a grown-up was supposed to be full of no bedtimes, no rules, and having so much fun because I could do whatever I wanted.  None of those things are true.  I do have a bedtime, since I have to get up so early for work.  There are rules, like that I have to wear a suitcoat all the time at work (barf) and I have to have insurance on my car (expensive).  And it's not so much fun because I can't do whatever I want.  I have to do things that I need to do or am supposed to do.  Someone should have told me that being a grown-up is not nearly as sweet and magical as it seemed.  Instead it's full of responsibilities and bills and work and buying toilet paper.  Ugh... 


So, maybe it's that I'm out of goals now and I expected it to be way more chock-full of awesomeness than it is.  Maybe it's that being a grown-up isn't as fun as I thought it would be.  Maybe it's because doing the mundane things, like buying toilet paper and toothpaste and paying bills and getting an oil change, are just that--mundane. 


I'm not sure what the problem is but I wish it would go away.  Part of me feels like telling the other part of my to STFU because nothing is wrong so just be happy w/ that.  But the other part of my is still bored and I can't shake it.  I wish I knew how because I would really like to not be bored anymore.  It sucks.