This. Is. My. Life.

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Zombies and Martha Stewart

Guys, I'm running!

Ok, not exactly...but sort of... I found this phone app called Zombies, Run! 5k training. So I decided to check it out. I've done two of the missions (which is what they call workouts). The story has me training inside the base camp in order to be able to go out into the zombie infested world and grab supplies for the survivors. So no zombies yet, since I'm still inside the camp. But, I like this so far because the woman who talks to me through my headphones says things like, "Run slowly" and "Don't push yourself." I can totally get on board with that. I'm awesome at not pushing myself, especially when it comes to exercise. And you can add in your own playlist of music, so the "incoming transmissions" just pop in around your music. In my case, I listened to an episode of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" with Martha Stewart as the guest. She is surprisingly funny. And apparently she loves both Spam and Velveeta (both make me gag).

Also, did you know she dated Anthony Hopkins? And that she broke up with him because she couldn't stop seeing him as Hannibal Lechter? I found that hilarious.

I'm such a wordsmith

CB and I were talking about the fact that we have double the amount of women working in the office than men. I asked, "So what is the opposite of a sausage fest?"

I decided that the opposite of a sausage fest is a clam jam.

At least I haven't lost my biting sarcasm

Text conversation with my friend:
Me: I'm so depressed. I wish I were dead so I could have some of those rewards in the next life (I'm not suicidal. I would not hurt or kill myself. This was a reference to an earlier conversation we had had, discussing how it is often discussed at church when going through hard times, to remember that there well be rewards in the next life, which I always thought sounded like an incentive for people to commit suicide. No need to be concerned.)
Friend: Will you stop taking like that? You're freaking me out. You're not looking at your clue board as a game plan are you? (She missed the reference, I guess.)
Me: Don't worry. I'd never kill myself. Ward and Hubert would run out of food and then eat my corpse and that is too creepy for words.
Yes folks, even in the midst of great sadness, my inner smart-ass still survives and cracks dark-humored jokes.

Oh Law & Order: SVU, you're so silly

I love L&O:SVU but sometimes they are so off-base it's silly. This particular episode is ridiculously full of errors it's insanity.
1. Judge sustained an objection for leading on cross-exam. In real life, leading questions are the whole point of cross-exam.
2. Just as the judge in criminal court was about to accept a plea bargain, a lawyer who represented the victim walked in and handed the judge a restraining order from civil court barring the judge from accepting the plea and ordering all the criminal court parties (including the judge) to appear in civil court the next day. Say whaaaaaaaaa? That makes zero sense! For one, it would be an injunction, not a restraining order, or possibly a writ of prohibition, but not a restraining order. For two, what the what? A judge who isn't a higher court judge ordering another judge how to do their job? Not happening.
Oh, silly script writers...maybe ask a lawyer about stuff...

Overheard

While sitting in the hall lobby of church, I overheard the following conversation between a dad and his two year old daughter.
Daughter: I wanna go in the hall.
Dad: We are in the hall.
Daughter: But I wanna go in the hall.
Dad: I know. We are in the hall.
Daughter: Can we go in the hall? I wanna be in the hall.
Dad: (sigh) We are already in the hall. See? We are already here. We're in the hall. Right now, we are in the hall.
Daughter: Can we go in the hall?
Dad: (sigh, no response)
Daughter: (very excited) We're in the hall!!!
Dad: I know, that's what I've been saying...
Daughter: Daddy, do you know what? We're in the hall.
Bwahaha!! Kids are hilarious sometimes. A conversation between an adult and a two year old is delightful to overhear.

Sounds about right

A prosecutor today said to me that he was only going to call people by their last name and then starting calling anyone around him by their last name. (He was in a silly mood). So, I immediately informed if that was the new thing he was doing, I was changing my last name to Murderawesome.

Here is what I did this weekend

So, my step-dad went back in the hospital again and then back out. It's an ongoing debacle with his health right now. Blood too thick, then too thin, clots, pneumonia, necrotic section of his lung...it's a mess. But he is hanging on, so that is good. But he looks terrible. He is definitely struggling.
Other than that, Thanksgiving went well. It was small, just me and my mom, step-dad, my brothers, and a couple other people. But it was laid back, which was nice. I went over to my mom's place the night before and had a nervous-then-later-funny experience.
When I got to the house, the radio in the kitchen was on and it looked like Mom was in the middle of making something, but she wasn't there. I asked my brother where she was and he said she went to the store. But her car was still in the driveway, so I called her cell to find out where she was at and how long she would be. Then her phone rang in the kitchen. I went into the kitchen again and realized her cell phone, her purse, her wallet and her keys were all still on the kitchen table. So, at this point, I was getting concerned. I went outside and noticed there were wet tire tracks in the driveway. Out of an abundance of caution, I used my cell phone camera to take pictures of the tracks (and no, they weren't mine...I parked on the street).  I figured it couldn't hurt to have pics since they would eventually evaporate.
Turns out my mom had cash and had walked (in the dark) to the store. She made fun of me for taking pics but I reminded her that if something HAD happened to her, she should be glad I'd taken them. She kept calling me CSI all night. I told her it was her fault for leaving and making it look like an episode of Forensic Files.
So that is our funny story for this holiday season.

Actual conversation

Me: Just because they have a biological specimen doesn't mean that they can pull a useable DNA sample from it.
Other attorney: Really? I didn't know that. Where did you learn that?
Me: CSI.

At some point, I should think about looking into this concept of growing up

My step dad is out of the hospital. They were able to shrink the massive clot in his lung enough for him to be released. He is still really fragile, weak, and very ill, but no longer on the verge of death. The icu dr said if he had waited even one more day, the clot would have moved to his heart and likely killed him. It moved that way while he was in the icu but they were able to do something about it. Had he not been there, it would have been a different situation.
Still not divorced yet. We have talked about the last of the details so I'm expecting to get the papers every day that I open my mailbox but so far, nothing. So, I'm still waiting on that.
As usual, I once again was the epitome of maturity as I waited in the courtroom for my turn and listened to the prosecutor give an offer of the facts the state would intend to prove at trial. It was a case where apparently a witness statement included the term "pee pee" and as a result, the prosecutor repeatedly had to say "pee pee." There was something too hilarious about a 48 year old man who is extremely intelligent and very professional saying "pee pee" over and over again. I had a serious case of the church giggles over it. After the hearing was done, I said to him, "Hehehe, I heard you say 'pee pee.' Hehehe." To which he grinned and replied, "I know!" So there you go...your public defender may be silently holding in her giggling at the most immature and ridiculous things. You just never know. Can you believe they gave me a law degree? Ahahaha, I'm hearing him say "pee pee" in my head as I'm writing this and it's making me giggle again.
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same sh*t, different day. Just me, Ward, and dumb baby Hubert doing what we do, living the thug life.
Which of course means watching Sister Wives and taking a nap. Because seriously...wtf, Sister Wives? W.T.F.?

And now, here's this stuff

I got the "corrected" divorce paperwork today.  Guess what?  Still not correct.  Including--once again--my name.  Even after notifying YKW's attorney that there were errors, there are still errors.  This is never going to be over...ugggghhhhh...  Again, this just continues to drag on and on and on and on...can it just be over?!?!  I just want this to be over... 

I am such a Millenial...

On Friday, I misplaced my check card. I had exactly $9 in cash. My immediate reaction was thinking that I needed to cancel the card. Then, I thought to myself: "Crap. What am I going to do  until I get the replacement card? How will I pay for things? I guess I could use cash...but I only have $9! How am I supposed to get my money out of the bank?!"
Then, gradually, a small nugget of memory emerged from the time capsule of my childhood that is in my brain. Didn't my mom used to go inside the bank all the time? When a "check card" wasn't even a thing and everyone wrote checks...my foggy childhood memory seemed to recall standing in line @ the bank. The concept seems so foreign to me now that I almost didn't believe that it was a real experience I had. But as I though about it more, more memories of this mysterious "inside the bank" came to mind: pens on really long chains; those stretchy elastic barriers that made up the line people had to stand in; an island in the middle where people would stand and fill out little pieces of paper that they would hand to the person behind the counter... These things were real! I just had forgotten these days of yore. So, there HAD to be some way to go inside the bank and get my money.  Problem solved.
I lost my card on Friday. It took me until today to figure this out. Talk about being a product of my generation...

Welcome to the Dark Side

We have a new contract attorney in the office.  She's delightful.  The best part is that she used to be a prosecutor...like until about three days before starting with us.
Best quote from her so far? After.talking to her about my client, she said,,"He has so many good things going for him. Jail won't help him...I can't believe that just came out of my mouth..."
Ha! Awesome.

Winner, winner...

...chicken dinner!!

Just found out this week that I won my contested motion on three files.  Suh-weet.  It was one motion that was covering three files and I ended up winning in all three files and successfully had statements made during an interrogation of my client in those files suppressed.  Score!  Even though it was essentially just one hearing/one issue, I'm going to count it as three separate wins since it's three files' statements being suppressed.  That makes my contested omnibus record 4 out of 5.  Not too shabby.  Granted, it helps that my prosecutors are usually willing to discuss things I think may be omnibus issues and adjust their offers if needed, meaning we often don't need to actually contest many issues, but I'm also going to say it's because I'm kicking a$$ and taking names.  Because that makes me feel good about my lawyering skillz.

This is true

M Thru F: Well When You Put It That Way, Life Seems So Much Simpler

People with torsos longer than their legs freak me out.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

One of my non-lawyer friends said something very funny the other day, which I needed to share:

This weekend, I was telling my friend how I had just recently gotten assigned to an attempted first degree murder case.  I said that I'd already done a first degree murder case in February and now I had an attempted murder case in the same year.  My friend's response was, "So, is that like hitting for the cycle* in a lawyer's world?"



*"Hitting for the cycle" is a baseball term that refers to a situation in which a player hits a single, double, triple, and a home run all in the same game.

Humorous conversation of the day

One of the prosecutors and I were discussing bail on a case before court this afternoon.  I wanted him to agree to lower the bail.  While we were talking about why I thought he should agree to reduced bail, he was reviewing the bail evaluation, which is this form that ranks defendants based on a number of factors to determine whether bail should be set and at what level.  The scale goes something like this: 0-8 is low; 9-17 is medium; 18+ is high. 


Today's client had a score of 89.  While discussing the bail with the prosecutor, he says to me: "He's got a bail eval score of 89. I don't think I've ever seen one that high before."


Me: "Oh, I've seen ones that high before."
Him: "Really? You must know some interesting people."
Me: (Pause) "You know what my job is, right?" 


Hehehe...gotta have some humor to lighten things up at work.