Out of the blue, Hat has decided that he wants a divorce. I am at a loss as to what to do. I'm physically sick about it and I haven't eaten since he told me because I don't think I can keep it down.
I didn't notice anything was wrong. We haven't been fighting. We've been having a good summer together, going on trips and vacations. I thought we were doing just fine. But apparently not. So, he wants a divorce now.
In the process of this revelation, he has cut off everyone he knows. He isn't really talking to his friends much, his dad has told me that he isn't responding to his dad's texts/phone calls, he disabled his facebook account because he "didn't want people to attack" him through facebook, etc., etc. He also can't explain to me why he wants a divorce other than he's "not happy." When I ask him what he means by that, he says he doesn't know. When I asked him if he thought that a divorce would make him happy, he said he didn't know. He also doesn't have any plan on what he wants to do after we separate--he doesn't know where he will live, how he will pay his bills (since I'm the one who is the financial support in the house at the moment while he's attending school), where he will get health insurance or car insurance, nothing...he hasn't thought about anything practical. Everyone who knows him is having the same reaction, which is, "What?! This is so out of character for him!!"
The thing that makes this so much worse is that I asked him if we could try to work on it--couple counseling, etc, anything. He said he didn't have the energy to try. So, although we've only been married for a little over 2 years, he's just crapping out without even trying. It's miserable.
I can't stand how much this hurts. It's the worse feeling I've ever had in my entire life. I wish I could make it go away, even just for a few minutes. I can't even get any relief from sleep--I keep having dreams about this situation! It's a never ending horror.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
And I'm exhausted...
I worked out today for the first time in forever. Ever since the car accident, I've been really out of shape so I decided now was the time to get back into shape. But, I forgot how freaking hard that is!! I did a lot of squats and lunges and now I can barely move. I'm like a little old lady, hobbling around. It's pathetic how out of shape I am...
In other news: it looks like the MN state government shutdown is going to be at an end soon. Thankfully, I wasn't directly affected by it since the public defenders were considered essential services and constitutionally required to continue functioning. But, it was still frustrating that we had to deal with this again (there was a partial shutdown in 2005). The news came out today that the governor and the leaders of the two houses had reached an agreement so apparently the shutdown will end soon.
Things at work have settled into a pretty steady routine, which is a nice change of pace. I'm hesitantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the hellhole of too many cases with no time and me freaking out and crying to revive itself, but I'm enjoying the current state of affairs. I've got regular office days since January, so I have been able to establish a routine where I met my clients at their first court date w/ an attorney and then I set up a meeting with them on one of my regular office days. I can also use my office days to review the audio/video before the omnibus hearing so I can actually KNOW if there are any omnibus issues before we get to court. Shocking!!
The nice thing is that I haven't had to ask for a continuance due to not being prepared in months. When I do need a continuance, it's been for the client's reasons--in the hospital; sick; etc. Not "I'm not prepared because I didn't get a chance to look at this case..." It's really been nice to be able to find a groove after like 2+ years of feeling like I'm constantly being pulled apart in 50 different directions. I still have overwhelming days, but the frantic feeling of "OMG I can't handle this" has subsided.
I also recently won an omnibus hearing and got my client's case dismissed for lack of probable cause. That was very, very exciting. When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands over my mouth in disbelief. I was so surprised in a freaking awesome way. I won against one of my favorite prosecutors, who is super crazy smart, so that was both fun and awesome. The best part of all was the judge dismissed it for a reason that I didn't even argue. Ahahahaha! Excellent. I think that is the first felony omnibus hearing I've had, so it was pretty sweet to win it. I'm killing it lately. I won my first felony trial, then my second one, and now I've won my first omnibus hearing. Feels good to know I'm not wiping out on these felonies like I worried about when I first started doing them.
It's very weird that I just started doing felonies a year ago. In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago. I took over in July and last July was full of panic attacks and crying and looking/feeling like a moron in court. I didn't think that w/in a year, I'd have a perfect trial record and feel competent enough to work on felonies w/o constantly needing to ask other attorneys for help.
And I've enjoyed working with the prosecutors in the county attorney's office, too. It's really nice to be on good terms w/ the opposing side, since I've never understood why some people feel like they have to be at war all the time w/ the other side. I get frustrated when other attorneys take that attitude because I find it very unnecessary. I mean, as much as I love what I do and as much as I value the work and the principles behind it, at the end of the day, it's my job not my life. So, if I win or lose, I still go home at the end of the day and watch "Teen Mom." I don't need to hate the opposition because they have their job to do. And thankfully, the county attorneys I work with seem to have the same perspective on things. So, we can get stuff resolved pretty often and they were very understanding when I first started and didn't know what the heck I was doing.
All of those things--finally having regular office days; finding my groove at work; and having good relationships with the prosecutors--have really taken a huge chunk of the stress away. I haven't cried at work in like 4 months or more!
I worked out today for the first time in forever. Ever since the car accident, I've been really out of shape so I decided now was the time to get back into shape. But, I forgot how freaking hard that is!! I did a lot of squats and lunges and now I can barely move. I'm like a little old lady, hobbling around. It's pathetic how out of shape I am...
In other news: it looks like the MN state government shutdown is going to be at an end soon. Thankfully, I wasn't directly affected by it since the public defenders were considered essential services and constitutionally required to continue functioning. But, it was still frustrating that we had to deal with this again (there was a partial shutdown in 2005). The news came out today that the governor and the leaders of the two houses had reached an agreement so apparently the shutdown will end soon.
Things at work have settled into a pretty steady routine, which is a nice change of pace. I'm hesitantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the hellhole of too many cases with no time and me freaking out and crying to revive itself, but I'm enjoying the current state of affairs. I've got regular office days since January, so I have been able to establish a routine where I met my clients at their first court date w/ an attorney and then I set up a meeting with them on one of my regular office days. I can also use my office days to review the audio/video before the omnibus hearing so I can actually KNOW if there are any omnibus issues before we get to court. Shocking!!
The nice thing is that I haven't had to ask for a continuance due to not being prepared in months. When I do need a continuance, it's been for the client's reasons--in the hospital; sick; etc. Not "I'm not prepared because I didn't get a chance to look at this case..." It's really been nice to be able to find a groove after like 2+ years of feeling like I'm constantly being pulled apart in 50 different directions. I still have overwhelming days, but the frantic feeling of "OMG I can't handle this" has subsided.
I also recently won an omnibus hearing and got my client's case dismissed for lack of probable cause. That was very, very exciting. When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands over my mouth in disbelief. I was so surprised in a freaking awesome way. I won against one of my favorite prosecutors, who is super crazy smart, so that was both fun and awesome. The best part of all was the judge dismissed it for a reason that I didn't even argue. Ahahahaha! Excellent. I think that is the first felony omnibus hearing I've had, so it was pretty sweet to win it. I'm killing it lately. I won my first felony trial, then my second one, and now I've won my first omnibus hearing. Feels good to know I'm not wiping out on these felonies like I worried about when I first started doing them.
It's very weird that I just started doing felonies a year ago. In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago. I took over in July and last July was full of panic attacks and crying and looking/feeling like a moron in court. I didn't think that w/in a year, I'd have a perfect trial record and feel competent enough to work on felonies w/o constantly needing to ask other attorneys for help.
And I've enjoyed working with the prosecutors in the county attorney's office, too. It's really nice to be on good terms w/ the opposing side, since I've never understood why some people feel like they have to be at war all the time w/ the other side. I get frustrated when other attorneys take that attitude because I find it very unnecessary. I mean, as much as I love what I do and as much as I value the work and the principles behind it, at the end of the day, it's my job not my life. So, if I win or lose, I still go home at the end of the day and watch "Teen Mom." I don't need to hate the opposition because they have their job to do. And thankfully, the county attorneys I work with seem to have the same perspective on things. So, we can get stuff resolved pretty often and they were very understanding when I first started and didn't know what the heck I was doing.
All of those things--finally having regular office days; finding my groove at work; and having good relationships with the prosecutors--have really taken a huge chunk of the stress away. I haven't cried at work in like 4 months or more!
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