My counselor mentioned that he thought I might have dysthymia. I didn't know exactly what that was, so I was looking it up after my last appointment. It didn't sound like a really great fit for my situation, since I'm not always unhappy. In fact, I'm perfectly capable of having a good time if there's something enjoyable going on around me. I'm not incapable of having fun or laughing or having good days. It's just that most of the time, I don't see what there is to get all excited about on a day to day basis. I mean, let's be honest--life kind of sucks hard more often than not. So, why would I get up every day and be all chipper and excited for the day when I'm going to just get up, go to work, go home, and repeat? It's not like that's super awesome or something. It just is what it is.
But apparently, that's not normal. Well, that's news to me...I thought I was just as normal as everyone else. Sure, I'm aware I'm more cynical than most people, but I always assumed that is because I'm not delusional. I didn't know that my opinion that most days are boring, uneventful, and sucky was not a routine feeling. I guess it was enough to make my therapist think I might have dysthymia. But, again, that didn't sound like a totally accurate fit for me.
And then I ran into this:
Showing posts with label conditions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conditions. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Things, things, things
My book is coming along at a quick clip. I'm hoping it should be done within the next few weeks. Then it will be ready to make its debut.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for really taking the time to do the work and write a book. Even if no one reads it, at least I did it. I wrote an entire book. So I can cross that off my bucket list when it's finished.
In other news, work has been busy. A lot of contested hearings lately but those are actually pretty fun. I like those. They are like mini-trials but without the hassle of a jury and with much looser rules. And they only take like an hour, instead of several days. The only thing I don't like is having to write a brief afterwards. That isn't really all that fun. But, that's okay.
I think my medicine for my hypersomnia needs to be adjusted again. It's been like 6 or 7 years since the last adjustment. But lately I've been feeling really, really tired again during the day and I'm having trouble doing sedentary activities without falling asleep. Reading, watching tv, etc. are all starting to become nap sessions, just like in the past. So I have an appt in October with my sleep specialist and I'm guessing I'll need to have my medication levels tweaked. The only concern is that I'm already at a very high dose (80 mgs of Adderall each day) and my specialist doesn't like to put people on any higher dose than 100 mgs/day. So there isn't much room to adjust. Plus what happens if/when the new dose stops being as effective? I'm only 29. I've got many years left where I will need to be awake and on medication of some kind. What happens if I'm at the top of what can be prescribed? That makes me nervous. I guess technically I can try to work my schedule around my disorder, because it does qualify as a disability. So my job has to make reasonable accommodations for my disability, which in my case would mean allowing me time to take a nap during the day. My office has already cleared me for that (although so far I haven't had to use it real often) but I doubt that that would work very well for scheduling court hearings. My sleepiest time of the day is about 1:00-3:00 p.m., which is when a majority of afternoon hearings are scheduled. So taking a nap during that time would not work at all.
Hopefully that won't become an issue. I'm hoping that the specialist can adjust my medications so that they keep me awake and alert during the day like they used to do. That would be ideal. So fingers crossed that that can happen.
Other than that, life is pretty mundane. Same sh*t, different day, as they say. The cats and I are basically just hanging out, doing what we do (which is being killer amazing, of course). Nothing else to report for now.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for really taking the time to do the work and write a book. Even if no one reads it, at least I did it. I wrote an entire book. So I can cross that off my bucket list when it's finished.
In other news, work has been busy. A lot of contested hearings lately but those are actually pretty fun. I like those. They are like mini-trials but without the hassle of a jury and with much looser rules. And they only take like an hour, instead of several days. The only thing I don't like is having to write a brief afterwards. That isn't really all that fun. But, that's okay.
I think my medicine for my hypersomnia needs to be adjusted again. It's been like 6 or 7 years since the last adjustment. But lately I've been feeling really, really tired again during the day and I'm having trouble doing sedentary activities without falling asleep. Reading, watching tv, etc. are all starting to become nap sessions, just like in the past. So I have an appt in October with my sleep specialist and I'm guessing I'll need to have my medication levels tweaked. The only concern is that I'm already at a very high dose (80 mgs of Adderall each day) and my specialist doesn't like to put people on any higher dose than 100 mgs/day. So there isn't much room to adjust. Plus what happens if/when the new dose stops being as effective? I'm only 29. I've got many years left where I will need to be awake and on medication of some kind. What happens if I'm at the top of what can be prescribed? That makes me nervous. I guess technically I can try to work my schedule around my disorder, because it does qualify as a disability. So my job has to make reasonable accommodations for my disability, which in my case would mean allowing me time to take a nap during the day. My office has already cleared me for that (although so far I haven't had to use it real often) but I doubt that that would work very well for scheduling court hearings. My sleepiest time of the day is about 1:00-3:00 p.m., which is when a majority of afternoon hearings are scheduled. So taking a nap during that time would not work at all.
Hopefully that won't become an issue. I'm hoping that the specialist can adjust my medications so that they keep me awake and alert during the day like they used to do. That would be ideal. So fingers crossed that that can happen.
Other than that, life is pretty mundane. Same sh*t, different day, as they say. The cats and I are basically just hanging out, doing what we do (which is being killer amazing, of course). Nothing else to report for now.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Isn't there a Mulligan for your life?
I have never wanted so badly to get into my car and just drive away. I worked super hard when I was younger so that life would be easier and happier when I got older but that didn't exactly work out.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things. Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in. The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else. I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything. I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant. I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing. It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things. Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in. The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else. I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything. I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant. I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing. It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Honestly...
Being on medication is a complete pain.
Problem #1: I run out of meds on the 20th of the month. The prescription says "dispense after 20th" so no one will fill it until the 21st. Since I need it first thing in the morning, this means I'm without medication on the morning of the 21st. So I'm usually in a giant rush in the morning to get them filled.
Problem #2: there is a national shortage of my medication, so my normal pharmacy is sometimes unable to get my medication.
Problem #3: Apparently, my insurance has switched its policy and will only cover ONE pill a day of my medication, but I need TWO. So, as I found out this morning, my regular pharmacy has a prior authorization from the doctor to allow the insurance to cover two pills. Meaning if I go to any other pharmacy, because perhaps my pharmacy is out of my medication, the new pharmacy has to get a prior authorization from the doctor. I find this out this morning, when I attempted to pick up my prescription from a different pharmacy.
This all adds up to me sitting in the parking lot of the pharmacy, waiting so my prescriptions can FINALLY be filled, after I've called my boss to explain the problem and let her know that I'm supposed to be in court in like 20 minutes, but I'm not going to be able to make it on time.
Ugh. I wish I was healthy.
Problem #1: I run out of meds on the 20th of the month. The prescription says "dispense after 20th" so no one will fill it until the 21st. Since I need it first thing in the morning, this means I'm without medication on the morning of the 21st. So I'm usually in a giant rush in the morning to get them filled.
Problem #2: there is a national shortage of my medication, so my normal pharmacy is sometimes unable to get my medication.
Problem #3: Apparently, my insurance has switched its policy and will only cover ONE pill a day of my medication, but I need TWO. So, as I found out this morning, my regular pharmacy has a prior authorization from the doctor to allow the insurance to cover two pills. Meaning if I go to any other pharmacy, because perhaps my pharmacy is out of my medication, the new pharmacy has to get a prior authorization from the doctor. I find this out this morning, when I attempted to pick up my prescription from a different pharmacy.
This all adds up to me sitting in the parking lot of the pharmacy, waiting so my prescriptions can FINALLY be filled, after I've called my boss to explain the problem and let her know that I'm supposed to be in court in like 20 minutes, but I'm not going to be able to make it on time.
Ugh. I wish I was healthy.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
If I were a cat, things would be awesome.
It's no secret that I'm rather hedonistic. I'm fully aware of that. However, if was only when Hat pointed out to me recently that I'm the only person he knows who hates sweating that I realized just how intensely I despise things that aren't pleasurable. There are many things that I really hate and that I am incredibly annoyed with that apparently other people don't think about. Like sweating.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
I'm a grumpy-pants lately
I have kind of wanted to punch everyone lately. This is because my thyroid medication is definitely off. As a result, my mood starts to suffer and I get seriously edgy. Like I have been lately. So, I end up having zero patience and then everyone gets on my nerves immediately.
This is a problem at work, since dealing w/ my clients requires patience. So far I've been okay at keeping it in check and not revealing the fact that I want to push people over all the time. Just secretly, inside, I'm constantly thinking, "Shut up! Stop talking! I'm annoyed with you..." To be fair, I think that about most people when my thyroid meds are off, but at least I can tell other people (like Hat and my co-workers) that I'm crabby due to that reason. I generally don't discuss my medical issues w/ my clients, however, so I end up biting my tongue quite often and reminding myself that I've got my doctor's appointment in a few days so I will stop feeling so ragey soon enough.
Some things will always annoy me, though, regardless of whether my meds are right or not. Such as the clients who begin their first conversations with me by informing me that they have already spoken with some other attorney that they sort of know and that attorney told them that they should tell me to do X, Y, or Z on their case. Yeah?? Well, go hire that attorney then. Otherwise, let me do my damn job.
I have no problem if people want to take what I tell them and go get a second opinion. That's fine. But, then, if you decide you dislike my advice, don't come back and tell me that some other attorney would do it this way or that way so I should do it like that too. No, I shouldn't. If you prefer some other attorney's advice/case strategy, then go hire them. But I'm not them. Don't tell me what I need to do based on what someone else told you. I don't need to do anything that I don't think it appropriate--you need to go hire them if you like them better. Trust me, I won't be offended.
That being said, I did find out today that my reputation as an attorney precedes me. And in a good way, not in a terrifying, rumor-filled sort of way. I recently learned that when one of my clients found out that I was their public defender, they were very happy because they had heard I am nice and that I am a good attorney. I do try to be nice, so that's probably a fair assessment. Even when I'm low on thyroid meds and feeling full of rage, I still try to be nice to my clients. Not nice in a lie-to-them-and/or-give-them-unrealistic-assessments-of-their-cases sort of way. Nice in an understanding-listen-to-them-explain-things-thoroughly-break-bad-news-gently-to-them sort of way.
Am I a good attorney? I think I'm fairly decent. I know my stuff and I know enough to know what I don't know and I go find it out if I don't know it. But, I certainly don't think I'm amazing. I've heard this before from other clients--the buzz at the jail for awhile was that I was "the good public defender"--and I always think this is probably more of a situation of me being nice and that being translated into me being some amazing attorney or something. I can name many, many more attorneys who are much more polished than I am in court. There are many attorneys who know case law citations in their heads. I see much more eloquent and smooth-talking attorneys in court than I sound. I've read transcripts of myself in court--that's never not-embarrassing. So, I think I'm a solid attorney. I think I'm good in the sense that I am not a dolt and if you ask me to explain something to you, I generally know enough about it to explain it. But, I don't characterize myself as some fantastic courtroom presence or something. I'd rank myself as average, especially because I'm still a relatively new attorney. Some things you just have to learn by experience and I've only got 2 years of experience.
But, it's nice to know that my clients are generally happy with my representation of them on their cases. Obviously if my incoming clients are hearing that I'm nice and good, that must mean that my current and/or former clients are satisfied. And that's more important to me than being all smooth and fancy in court. Because let's face it--I probably won't ever be all smooth and fancy in court. I'm the same girl who complains about having to wear pants and would totally have pajamas on under my robe if I were a judge. Smooth and fancy just aren't in my realm. It's a victory if I don't say "uuuuhhhhh" more than 10 times in one court hearing.
And in other news, WTF is up with the Twins?? Shameful lately!! Incredibly shameful. But, at least I'm kicking butt in fantasy baseball. My record so far is 2-1 and it looks like this week will make it 3-1. So, at least there's that.
This is a problem at work, since dealing w/ my clients requires patience. So far I've been okay at keeping it in check and not revealing the fact that I want to push people over all the time. Just secretly, inside, I'm constantly thinking, "Shut up! Stop talking! I'm annoyed with you..." To be fair, I think that about most people when my thyroid meds are off, but at least I can tell other people (like Hat and my co-workers) that I'm crabby due to that reason. I generally don't discuss my medical issues w/ my clients, however, so I end up biting my tongue quite often and reminding myself that I've got my doctor's appointment in a few days so I will stop feeling so ragey soon enough.
Some things will always annoy me, though, regardless of whether my meds are right or not. Such as the clients who begin their first conversations with me by informing me that they have already spoken with some other attorney that they sort of know and that attorney told them that they should tell me to do X, Y, or Z on their case. Yeah?? Well, go hire that attorney then. Otherwise, let me do my damn job.
I have no problem if people want to take what I tell them and go get a second opinion. That's fine. But, then, if you decide you dislike my advice, don't come back and tell me that some other attorney would do it this way or that way so I should do it like that too. No, I shouldn't. If you prefer some other attorney's advice/case strategy, then go hire them. But I'm not them. Don't tell me what I need to do based on what someone else told you. I don't need to do anything that I don't think it appropriate--you need to go hire them if you like them better. Trust me, I won't be offended.
That being said, I did find out today that my reputation as an attorney precedes me. And in a good way, not in a terrifying, rumor-filled sort of way. I recently learned that when one of my clients found out that I was their public defender, they were very happy because they had heard I am nice and that I am a good attorney. I do try to be nice, so that's probably a fair assessment. Even when I'm low on thyroid meds and feeling full of rage, I still try to be nice to my clients. Not nice in a lie-to-them-and/or-give-them-unrealistic-assessments-of-their-cases sort of way. Nice in an understanding-listen-to-them-explain-things-thoroughly-break-bad-news-gently-to-them sort of way.
Am I a good attorney? I think I'm fairly decent. I know my stuff and I know enough to know what I don't know and I go find it out if I don't know it. But, I certainly don't think I'm amazing. I've heard this before from other clients--the buzz at the jail for awhile was that I was "the good public defender"--and I always think this is probably more of a situation of me being nice and that being translated into me being some amazing attorney or something. I can name many, many more attorneys who are much more polished than I am in court. There are many attorneys who know case law citations in their heads. I see much more eloquent and smooth-talking attorneys in court than I sound. I've read transcripts of myself in court--that's never not-embarrassing. So, I think I'm a solid attorney. I think I'm good in the sense that I am not a dolt and if you ask me to explain something to you, I generally know enough about it to explain it. But, I don't characterize myself as some fantastic courtroom presence or something. I'd rank myself as average, especially because I'm still a relatively new attorney. Some things you just have to learn by experience and I've only got 2 years of experience.
But, it's nice to know that my clients are generally happy with my representation of them on their cases. Obviously if my incoming clients are hearing that I'm nice and good, that must mean that my current and/or former clients are satisfied. And that's more important to me than being all smooth and fancy in court. Because let's face it--I probably won't ever be all smooth and fancy in court. I'm the same girl who complains about having to wear pants and would totally have pajamas on under my robe if I were a judge. Smooth and fancy just aren't in my realm. It's a victory if I don't say "uuuuhhhhh" more than 10 times in one court hearing.
And in other news, WTF is up with the Twins?? Shameful lately!! Incredibly shameful. But, at least I'm kicking butt in fantasy baseball. My record so far is 2-1 and it looks like this week will make it 3-1. So, at least there's that.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Maybe the stupid weather is why I've been gloomy lately. Hawaii will help.
My thyroid medicine is off again.
I know this because lately I keep having these depressing/crappy thoughts pop into my head that generally don't come to mind when my levels are normal. Things like, "Good gracious, I have to go to work for 40 hours a week for the rest of my life?! Who made that rule? Effing a, this sucks balls." and "Damnit, being a grown-up blows a lot more than I ever anticipated as a kid." While those things are true, I generally don't dwell on them and they aren't a cause for me to feel grumpy. Not the case lately, where I feel grumpy and out-of-sorts about it. So, I scheduled a doctor's appointment--it's that time of the year anyway--in a couple weeks and they'll stab me a few times in an attempt to get my blood and then call me in a few days and tell me what I already know--that my medicine is off again. I wish I could skip the stabbing part of it, but apparently that's necessary. LAME.
I know this because lately I keep having these depressing/crappy thoughts pop into my head that generally don't come to mind when my levels are normal. Things like, "Good gracious, I have to go to work for 40 hours a week for the rest of my life?! Who made that rule? Effing a, this sucks balls." and "Damnit, being a grown-up blows a lot more than I ever anticipated as a kid." While those things are true, I generally don't dwell on them and they aren't a cause for me to feel grumpy. Not the case lately, where I feel grumpy and out-of-sorts about it. So, I scheduled a doctor's appointment--it's that time of the year anyway--in a couple weeks and they'll stab me a few times in an attempt to get my blood and then call me in a few days and tell me what I already know--that my medicine is off again. I wish I could skip the stabbing part of it, but apparently that's necessary. LAME.
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