Why I always sound like a sourpuss

It occurs to me that I have been quite complainy lately in my posts. I suppose there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is that this has always been my outlet of sorts, the place where I go dump everything that I am thinking/feeling to get it out of my system. That way, it isn't still kicking around in my head. I tend to be someone who mulls things over & can't stop thinking about things (I'll bet that's not at all a news flash), so just getting my thoughts out of my head helps me to stop that cycle of dwelling on things.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I have learned a lot about myself since the divorce and the one thing I have come to realize very distinctly is that I am two people. I am the person I let most people see & then I am the person I rarely let anyone get to know.

They are both technically accurate versions of who I am. It's not that one is fake & one is who I "really" am. It's more that the one everyone sees is an incomplete picture of my personality. There are pieces of the whole that are missing from the person I let people get to know.

Ugh.

Everyone is all abuzz on the interwebs about the Boston bombing suspect and Quarles, a case which I'm sure no one other than nerds and lawyers and nerdy lawyers knew about before this week, and Miranda warnings.  I could add more to the debate, but I think it's easier to just tell you to go read this blog posting about it, because it's very well-written and explains everything very nicely. 

This is my last day to be a 20-something.  I feel like I have to start being a grown-up or something tomorrow and who wants to do that?  Blech. Pass. 

In make-my-Monday-even-worse-news, YKW texted me this morning to apologize for forgetting to tell me happy birthday yesterday.  Problem is that my birthday isn't till tomorrow. Really?? Really?? Six years together and he's already forgotten my birthday?  Thanks, pal.  Glad to see how memorable our effing marriage was to him.  It shouldn't bother me.  I should just ignore it and not let it be a concern at all.  But it does bother me.  I spent 6 years with that guy.  I was freaking married to him.  And then he forgets when my birthday is.  Ugh.  Whatevs.  I guess it's just one more reason to think that perhaps I dodged a bullet by him divorcing me--otherwise I'd be stuck w/ him for the rest of my life. 

All right, that's enough complaining from me for now.  Off to go look at adorable kittens to help cheer me up.

The past comes back again

I've been dismarried for over two weeks now (has it really been that long??). He and I had a brief email exchange a few days after it became final, which consisted of me telling him he did not need to pretend to want to talk to me anymore since the divorce was completed. I assumed he was being friendly so I didn't try to exact revenge in the divorce (which made me upset because I had been very gracious, all things considered) and told him he could stop now. He responded that he had talked to me bc he wanted to, not out of concern of being screwed in the divorce.

Short & sweet

I'm going to see Flight tonight. It looks awesome. And Denzel is pretty good looking.
YKW and I have a phone conference on Monday to discuss the incorrect divorce papers. I'm assuming that we will finally get everything corrected and then he can submit the corrections to his lawyer. And then hopefully this whole nightmare can finally be over. I just want to be done. I don't have enough energy anymore and I just want there to be some end to this horrible holding pattern I've been in for more than a year. I don't want to be divorced anymore than I want to be kicked in the head, but if it has to happen, I'd rather get it over with quickly. I don't want to keep waiting for the painful event.
I want a nap.
That is all.

And now, here's this stuff

I got the "corrected" divorce paperwork today.  Guess what?  Still not correct.  Including--once again--my name.  Even after notifying YKW's attorney that there were errors, there are still errors.  This is never going to be over...ugggghhhhh...  Again, this just continues to drag on and on and on and on...can it just be over?!?!  I just want this to be over... 

My book is done!

My book is officially finished!!

It's currently being reviewed for formatting, etc. by Amazon.com and then it will be available for purchase in approximately 12 hours.  

One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of when YKW told me he wanted a divorce.  Today is the one year mark of the saddest moment of my life. 

One year ago, I could barely breathe because the pain I was in was so intense it was a physical thing.  I bawled every night before bed, hard enough to give myself a headache.  One year ago, I wanted to die just to give my poor heart a reprieve from the agony of losing him.  At times the pain was so overwhelming that I thought I actually might die from heartache.  One year ago, I could not imagine a life without him. I could not imagine ever being happy again.  One year ago, I thought my life was over.  And it came close on many occasions, when I felt like I just could not go on even one more minute.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% better than one year ago. That I picked myself up and never looked back. I wish I could say I never shed anymore tears for him, that I don't care at all about him, and that I'm happier without him.

But, I can't say any of those things. None of those things are true.

What I can say is that, while I do still cry about him (sometimes very hard), those sessions are now much more rare. While I still have days where things feel awful, I have been able to have many happy times.  I can laugh again, and pretty much do every day.  I can have fun again.  While I still care about him and still love him, I don't feel like I need him anymore--just want.  Not need.  While I can't say I'm happier without him, I can say that I have been able to find happiness without him.

I do look back. I do think about what we had and it still makes me sad to have lost him.  My heart is not okay yet.  But, it's trying to be.

Would I feel happier if he said he loved me and wanted to try to work on out marriage? Probably.  He still has my heart, right or wrong.  Would my preference be that we would be together again? Yes. I'd prefer that.  But, even without those things being true, I can still have days that are good and fun and enjoyable.  I can be okay.

We are still married.  He has not yet filed the paperwork for the divorce.  A part of my heart continues to hope that if we aren't divorced, then maybe we can still make things work.  I don't know if it will ever be true or if it's wishful thinking.

I'm grateful for the people who have surrounded me in love and thoughts and prayers over the last year. I have felt more love and care as I have walked this dark path than I ever have in my life.  When I have been too tired to keep going, when my legs have collapsed beneath me, when the desire to keep going has left me, when even the desire to eat has disappeared, when I have fallen under the weight of this emotional burden, when I have felt alone in my grief, people were there to pick me back up, to carry me, to feed me, to help me walk, to grieve with me, to be my strength when I had none left, to take care of me when I didn't care. The love and support I have been surrounded by has been more than I could have ever expected. I would never have survived without the people who have been there for me.

Am I 100% better? No. I'm not even sure I could say that I'm 50% better. But, I am sure that I will get there eventually. And that is much more than I could say one year ago.

Life in bullet format

The apt is coming along slowly but surely. I get a little bit unpacked here and there as much as I can. It has been difficult to find time, but I try to do a little each day so at least something is getting done. I wish it would just magically be finished but oh well. I'm sure I will get everything unpacked about ten weeks before I have to move again.
Other events lately:
• Had my fifth trial this year. Lost. I'm on pace to have the most trials this year that I've ever had.
• YKW has been confusing and odd lately. First there was the recent statement from him that he likes talking to me and didn't ever really think about not talking with me (except for that time in December he told me not to talk to him...).  Now he has says that we may potentially hang out in the future and he doesn't see why not.  Really? I'm starting to be concerned that perhaps he has suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury since we separated, as I can think of about 9 months' worth of reasons why not. So, I don't know what that is all about. I find the whole thing rather stressful so I'm just going to continue to ignore it.
• I'm going camping in August. I'm excited. It's been like 3 yrs since I've gone camping, so it should be a nice time.
Yep, that's all I have for now.

So that's happening now...

Just got back from Chi-town, visiting RV and her spawn and her husby.  I'm pretty proud of myself bc this time I taught Spawn to say, "I'm not a terrorist!" and "That sounds like communism!" Just for funsies. This is probably why it's a good thing I don't have kids. Although it was super adorable when I got there and Spawn saw me and jumped out of her chair, calling my name, and threw her tiny, midget arms around my legs in a hug. Awwwww...cute...she is super funny and adorable.

Reboot

I am finally starting to not feel like death.  Today I accomplished eating without immediately feeling like I was going to throw up, so that's an improvement. Having an upset stomach is pretty much the worst thing ever, so I'm glad I'm finally feeling like I am not always ready to puke. I am hopeful I'll feel well enough to go to work tomorrow. I was sick on Thursday and Friday, as well as today (plus all weekend but I don't have to call my boss to tell her I'm sick on a weekend).

I had to see YKW yesterday and today

The move is this weekend, so he came to pick up the last few of his items that were still at my apt and to help with some of the clean-up that is required in order to get the security deposit back.

I found Oscar literally minutes before YKW called to tell me that he was outside, ready to be let in. I was bawling like crazy about Oscar (who was actually Hat's first cat that he had ever owned and who convinced Hat that he was actually a cat person even though he shears said he wasn't).  YKW was actually very great about the whole situation. He wrapped him up in a towel and let me hold him and he hugged me a few times while I cried and held Oscar one more time. He got a box to put him in and I needed to bring Oscar over to my mom's (where he is going to be buried on Monday after I am done moving and she is back from camping).  He offered to stay and clean while I went to my mom's, but the thought of doing this terribly sad task on my own made me cry even harder and I said, "I can't. I can't do it by myself. Not this..." So without hesitation, he carefully picked up the box and said, "Ok, let's take care of him, then."  He rode with me, holding onto Oscar's box, and talked to me about work and his family and my family and our friends, about anything other than my poor kitty. He was actually very kind and caring about the whole situation, especially since we haven't talked really at all since December and now suddenly he was having to help me deal with this crisis situation.

Then, we got back to the apt and he helped me clean and pack up some of my stuff that I haven't had enough time to get packed up. It was actually not awkward or uncomfortable like I was worried it would be. We just kind of chatted about things that we had been doing in the last few months and avoided any serious conservation. He asked me about where I was moving to a few times in a few different ways and I just said I was staying in the same general area without giving any real details.

He came back over today to continue with the cleaning and again was very kind about Oscar. I think he could probably tell from my face that I had cried quite a bit last night, because my eyes were really swollen (a side effect of crying that I have always had and I usually have to put ice on them if I'm going anywhere and need to de-puff) and I had huge bags under my eyes. He right away asked if I was doing okay today and I just said I was okay. He then asked if I was dealing with Oscar's death okay and I just shrugged and said I was coping with it. And then we moved on and cleaned and packed and avoided anymore Oscar-talk bc I had clearly been crying about it. 

Things went fine again today. No serious topics discussed again, chit chatted, etc and packed and cleaned. He had to work, so he left in the late afternoon. Before he left, we took a break from all the work we had been doing and  sat on the couch and Ward cuddled with him for a while. Ward has been a bit lost without Oscar, so he has been pretty clingy and wanting to cuddle a lot. And he always loved Hat a lot, so he was happy to see him and wanted to be by him the whole time he was here.

Things went fine, YKW was very helpful and did a lot of work on the apt, and it wasn't awkward or weird, like I thought it might be. He offered to come over on Sunday morning if I needed help still on Sunday.  So, depending on how much I can get done between now and then, I may still need his help on Sunday, but I'm hoping that I will be all set by then.

So, that's that, I guess.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

Well, we are traveling home today. Won't be in until pretty late tonight, which doesn't include the hour we lose switching from mountain time back to central time.  It was a wonderful vacation and really neat to get to see so many excellent sites and gorgeous scenery.  I got to add three magnets to my refrigerator magnet collection (that's my thing--I collect magnets from every place I go each time I go there, one for each trip. I don't currently have very many, but I hope that eventually I will have more) and I got to spend time with my good friends. It was really nice and it was cool to do things I've never been able to do before!
But it's back to reality when I get home. And by "reality," I mean a trip to the doctor's office, a long weekend of packing my entire apartment into boxes to prepare to move in about two weeks, and cleaning my entire apartment before moving out. Blech. I have to do that intense, super-deep-cleaning that is required when you move out of a place...oven, vacuum every nook and cranny, clean the fridge, defrost the freezer and clean that... This is the part I hate the most about moving. It takes at least a few days and a couple of very generous friends to get everything done that is required. It's so exhausting. So, once I get back to Minnesota, it's a long weekend of that! Yay... I took a couple days off work in order to get everything done because I'll be doing most of it on my own. Normally, YKW would be around to help me pack and the job would go much faster, but it's just me so it's going to take a few days...sigh. I hate moving... Oh well. It must be done.

Made it out alive!

I made it through Sad Week last week. I was very relieved to have RV there to help keep my mind off things. I don't think I would have gotten through it without her being there. Between her and her super  adorable 3 1/2 year old girl, I had plenty of company to get me through most of the week. She ended up having to go back home on Wednesday, instead of staying the whole week (like originally planned) so it was a bit more difficult to get through the rest of the week (which probably explains my lack of motivation to get things done on Thursday, since RV wasn't there to keep me distracted anymore and then I got super depressed and couldn't get my crap together till Saturday. But, I was actually productive on Saturday so I managed to shake it off).
So, I managed to make it through with only minimal tears and I actually had a lot of fun with RV. I miss her a lot and it's always awesome to see her and her family. I'm really blessed to have such amazing friends and family to help me through this stuff. I'd be a total mess without them.
Now that I've survived Sad Week, I'm looking forward to not have any milestones to dread. No birthday without YKW, no anniversary... Just summertime. It's nice not to have this looming date that I know will be really difficult waiting for me in the future. 
The weather is gorgeous, my plants are growing, I've figured out my housing stuff...here's hoping that things are finally starting to look less bleak for me.
And even if they don't, I've still always got the cats...

That's What Friends Are For

My third anniversary is this Tuesday. I can't tell if it makes it better or worse that we are still technically married...
To make it through Sad Week, I took time off work so I wouldn't end up crying in court (that would be awkward) and my BFFE RV is coming into town today. She is staying till Thursday. She and her hilarious three year old are going to distract me.
On Tuesday, I got us super awesome seats at the Twins game. I figure this is a perfect cover for the saddest day of Sad Week, because if I'm crying at the game, everyone will assume I'm crying because the Twins are doing so horribly this year it's not even funny!  No one will ever guess I'm crying for some other reason.
And I get to teach the little ankle-biter all sorts of awesome things. When I visited over Thanksgiving, I taught her to brush her shoulder while saying, "Brush ya shoulder off" a la Jay-Z and to make a diamond with her fingers over her head and shout, "HOV!!" like Jay-Z.  Then, less than a week later, guess who happened to go into the restaurant where RV works and sat at one of her tables? I shit you not: Jay-Z and Beyonce (RV snapped a photo of the credit card reciept {minus the actual credit card numbers} to show me the signature line that read "Knowles/Beyonce" under it because I told her she was a liar and there was no way they were actually there). I am like some magic summoner of celebrities, apparently. I teach this child famous catch phrases of celebrities and then, WHAM, they appear within days.
So now the question is, who do I want to meet and what is that person known for saying that I can easily teach a three year old to mimic...? Hmmm... As Ursula the Sea Witch once said, "Life's full of tough choices in it."
Yeah, once I start quoting "The Little Mermaid," it's time to end the post.
Later, gators.

Cue the violins

I finally got around to seeing "The Hunger Games" this week.  Am I the only one who noticed that Gale looks almost exactly like Joe Mauer?

Uh...weird... I think I'm looking at the same person...and the more I look at them, the more I'm convinced I'm looking at the same person.  Weird!

At any rate, that's not the only I'm thinking about lately.  Although it's still creeping me out...

It's my birthday today

YKW didn't bother to even acknowledge it. I didn't even get a text or email saying happy birthday from him.
Ouch.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

My birthday is next Monday. Normally, I love my birthday. It's a day where I get to be extra special for the day. I have always enjoyed my birthday.
But this year, I'm having trouble mustering much enthusiasm for it.  I can't help but remember last year, when Hat surprised me with a sewing box filled with new sewing items.  It was an incredibly thoughtful gift (he has always been a really good gift giver) and really touched me.  He has even picked out thread for me in a variety of colors.
This year, I'm doubtful I'll even get a cursory text or email from him saying "happy birthday." Instead of a fun filled Saturday, I get a work filled Monday. I have zero plans for my birthday.
And I'm going to be 29. I realize that this is not very old. But it's the oldest I've ever been and it feels old bc it's my last year of my twenties.
Ugh.

Well, nevermind...

So, after much debating on my part and weighing of the potential pros and cons, I finally settled on Option B, living in an apartment closer to work.  I thought this might be a needed change of scenery for me.  Unfortunately, YKW still works at the restaurant that is literally 2 minutes away from my apartment, meaning that EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY APARTMENT I have to see it and be reminded of him.  So, even if I'm not thinking about him at the moment, suddenly, WHAM, there's his work and oooooh, yeah... So, I thought that, even though I don't necessarily want to live that far away from my friends and family, changing scenery might be a smart move...

Oh, you fancy, huh?

This is Ward.  He's very fancy, clearly.  That's why he sits like a person on the couch and folds his arms.  He is my fat and fancy cat.  The last time we took him to the vet (YKW was with me, since we were also taking the other cat in, as well, and it's difficult to try to wrangle both the cats into their carriers all on your own.  Plus, YKW was paying for the vet bills, so he had to come with so he could pay), the vet told us, "Well, Ward's a little heavier than I'd like to see for a cat of his size.  He's thirteen pounds, which is a little on the heavy side."  Tell that to Fatty Cakes.  He never stops eating!


As lame as it is, I'm posting about my lovely kitty because Ward and the other one, Oscar (see photo below) have been my heroes lately.  They make me laugh when I'm sad, they cuddle me when I'm lonely, they greet me when I come home from work to my otherwise empty house, they listen to me when I talk, and they generally make me smile when I'm feeling cranky.  Sure, they are just cats--I know that.  But, they are loving, sweet, and funny and when I'm having one of those days where I just want to curl up into a ball and cry, seeing Ward sitting on the couch like he's a fancy gentleman is just the thing to crack me up.  


So, this is my tribute post to the males in my life who have been my constant companions and who always know how to make me smile--Ward and Oscar, my wonderfully awesome kitties.