Sludge

So, you know that saying "Into each life some rain must fall?"  I think I'm the reverse of that--into my life some sunshine must fall.
The saying implies that life is generally happy but that some bad things inevitably must occur. But with me, it's the opposite. Life is generally crappy but inevitably some good things happen. But good things are the exception, not the rule.
I used to find some comfort in church and my crazy meds, but lately those don't seem to be doing much for me. I'm able to laugh and joke and have fun at times, but it's just a temporary distraction. I'm quickly back to feeling like I'm treading through sludge, barely able to do much beyond the absolutely needed tasks.

I'm unvarnished and people hate that

Now that I'm not married ( I still have trouble saying "I'm divorced.") people keep saying things like, "Now you can decide who you're going to be from this point on." Or things to that effect. My bishop (for you non-Mormons, the bishop is like a pastor of the local congregation) asked me what Version 3.0 of myself is going to be.
I find this confusing. I wasn't a vastly different person while married. I was certainly happier, but I didn't become a whole new person.
The other wrinkle in this is that everyone also keeps telling me not to let this make me bitter or cynical or pessimistic. Which makes me want to ask, "Have you met me before?" Those are kind of my key characteristics. They are the reason I have such charm (har har har).

The Way Things Are

This was not how I wanted things to go. But very rarely does life ever give me what I want. In fact, usually if I want it, it either won't happen or it gets taken away. That is the way things have often seemed to go.
The finality at least means it's over now, although not the way I wanted. The uncertainty was painful. Having an end is also painful. But pain is something I'm very familiar with. I'm not sure I know what it is like to live without pain.
This has left me with scars, with wounds that will stop hurting so bad but will never heal. People tell me I'll meet someone else, but I won't. Because I won't ever open my heart again. I refuse to allow this to happen again and this experience has shown me that no matter how much you think you know someone, you don't. No one can be trusted enough to give my heart away again.
In my life, ever since I was a child, people have left me. Family has been an elusive concept. I have always worried I would never find a stable family; now I know that is true. No one stays, so I see no reason to form relationships with the expectation of longevity. For me, it's not a reality.
No man is an island, but I'm pretty close.

Knock it off any time, Universe

So my step-dad is in the ICU now. He has massive blood clots in his femoral artery and his lung. The one in his lung has started moving towards his heart. I'm hoping he will be okay.
I'm officially at my end point. I cannot handle one more emotional or stressful event. I'm about ready to just give up on everything. My practical side won't let me not work or pay rent, etc. but I'm basically turning into a robot. I've started to resign myself to the fact that I will never be truly happy and I'm simply going through the motions, waiting to die one day. My brain and emotions can't handle anything more.

Just call me Little Miss Sunshine

So I think that knowing that feeling mildly unhappy each day is not normal actually makes me feel more unhappy, if that is possible. It's like when you're a kid and you don't know you've got some cut or scrape till someone asks about it and then it suddenly starts hurting now that you are aware of it.
Now it's like, "Great, everyone else is feeling happy and content, not mildly unhappy like I always thought. That is not fair. Why can't I feel like that? Oh right, the depression. Well, that's not fair, either." (Insert grumpy sigh here).
Apparently, atypical depression responds well to MAOIs. They apparently have the best success for treating it. And they can't be mixed with pretty much every other med I'm on. So that is fun.
So in sum, I'm a barrel of sunshine lately.

My book is done!

My book is officially finished!!

It's currently being reviewed for formatting, etc. by Amazon.com and then it will be available for purchase in approximately 12 hours.  

Ever feel like pulling the covers over your head and going back to bed?

That's kind of how I feel all the time lately. Like I just want to crawl up into bed and sleep the rest of my life. Don't bother waking me up.

I swear, I'm not an episode of "Hoarders..."

It just really looks that way at the moment bc I have to figure out where things are going to go in the new place.
But I'm still not feeling well at all, so I was barely able to do anything more than locate where a fresh set of sheet were in this mess, put them on the bed, and collapse.  I'm so exhausted from being sick and stressed and sad and grieving and having to pack and to move stuff that I can barely think straight anymore.
And poor Ward! I thought he was going to have an aneurysm or something. This poor cat was already freaking out bc Oscar is gone. He kept wanting me to hold and cuddle him ever since Thursday. Then today, when a whole ton of Mormon guys showed up to move all my stuff, Ward was totally tweaking. I had to put him in the cat carrier until the move was over and he was not happy one bit about that. And then when the move was over, he kept running around and crying the most pathetic, sad, confused meows ever. He was so miserable.  Poor stressed out kitty lost his best bud and his home all at the same time.
Once I got the bed set up, he seemed to do a bit better.  It was somewhere familiar for him and I laid down with him for a few minutes after it was set up so he could see that I was still there, too. Bed and me, his two favorite things. Well, I might actually come after food, so two of his three favorite things...
And now, more feeling horrible and ill and wishing my things would just put themselves in place so I won't have to do it whenever I feel better/have time. But at least I've got the bed set up so I have a place to lay down while I am sick.

Poor Ward...

He has been so confused without Oscar around. He keeps wandering around, looking for him, and going to all the spots in the house where Oscar used to sleep or hang out. He keeps trying to find him and then when he can't, he will meow a little and go lay on something that Oscar used to always lay on. And he has been super clingy lately, like when I woke up this morning and found him curled up next to my tummy (see photo).  Poor guy has never lived in the apt without Oscar here, so I'm sure he is lonely without his best bud. I'm not sure how he will deal with things when I am gone at work all day and he is all alone.
At least I am moving this weekend, so Ward will be in a new environment after losing his buddy.  Then maybe he won't miss him so much bc he won't be able to go look for him in all his normal spots.
Poor guy...too bad I can't just explain to  him what happened. Instead, he just lost his best friend and doesn't know where he went or when he is coming back.  Poor Wardy...

I miss my kitty

I'm going to miss my big guy so much

Oscar died today.
I'm heartbroken.

In bad news...

I have felt sick to my stomach for the last two days. I keep trying to tell myself that I feel better, but I really don't. Tums isn't helping. Pepto bismal isn't helping. Laying on my stomach helps a bit but not much. Not moving also seems to help a bit too.
It's both rolling around and also occasional stabbing pain. So that is miserable feeling. I also keep burping all the time, which makes me feel better for about 30 seconds and then the rolling returns. And my tummy is all swollen and bloaty. It's like the worst case of indigestion + gas + bloating + stabbing pain for no apparent reason all put together. It's pretty much the suckiest illness ever. I'll take a cold or sore throat any day.
I have a couple of co-workers who have also been having tummy troubles lately, so I think there must be something going around the office. Whoever brought this in is cursed in my heart. Stomach issues were the worst. I am not happy about this at all. Stupid stomach ache.
Ugh...I'm hoping I will feel better tomorrow... So far, it hasn't improved but I figure it has to start getting better soon...right??

Isn't there a Mulligan for your life?

I have never wanted so badly to get into my car and just drive away.  I worked super hard when I was younger so that life would be easier and happier when I got older but that didn't exactly work out.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things.  Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in.  The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else.  I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything.  I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant.  I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing.  It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.

Ugh

I am starting to understand why people burn out in public defense. Things have been substantially more difficult since the start of the year for a number of reasons. Having back to back trials right after getting back from vacation meant I started January off being crazy far behind. I don't think I've been able to entirely catch up. I've had to do misdemeanor cases along with felony cases and the volume of misdemeanor cases is always high no matter where you work. I got assigned a high maintenance, although not annoying or frustrating, client who has multiple felony cases that are fairly complicated. And it seems that, in general, my front cases in the last few months have been more complicated than normal, with much more work and investigation needed than normal. Plus, I've had an extreme uptick in contested omnibus issues (non-lawyers, this means I've had an uptick in cases that have potentially problematic evidence issues that we are trying to get thrown out for some legal reason).  Those hearings are often like mini-trials, with witnesses giving testimony, and they are longer than uncontested hearings. Plus, I've obviously been dealing with the emotional fallout of YKW's departure, which means that somedays, just getting out of bed and forcing myself not to cry all day is a monumental task.
So all these things have combined to make work over the last few months pretty overwhelming. Maybe it's just that I'm overly sensitive right now but it certainly feels more intense than it ever has been. I'm having to request continuances because I haven't had time to prepare, which I really haven't had to do very often for the last year or so. I hate doing that. Hate, hate, hate it. It makes the court cranky, makes the prosecutors cranky, and makes me look like crap to my client.  What kind of professional shows up and says, "Sorry, we need to reschedule because I am not ready."  Can you imagine if you showed up for surgery and your surgeon said that?! So I hate asking for continuance because I'm not prepared.  But if I'm not able to get to things, there isn't any other option. But it's stressful.
I am feeling very worn out and like it doesn't matter how much I try, I can't catch up so it's pointless to even try. I'm still trying to stay on top of everything but I definitely feel like I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
I need a clone of myself.
Ugh.

Cue the violins

I finally got around to seeing "The Hunger Games" this week.  Am I the only one who noticed that Gale looks almost exactly like Joe Mauer?

Uh...weird... I think I'm looking at the same person...and the more I look at them, the more I'm convinced I'm looking at the same person.  Weird!

At any rate, that's not the only I'm thinking about lately.  Although it's still creeping me out...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

My birthday is next Monday. Normally, I love my birthday. It's a day where I get to be extra special for the day. I have always enjoyed my birthday.
But this year, I'm having trouble mustering much enthusiasm for it.  I can't help but remember last year, when Hat surprised me with a sewing box filled with new sewing items.  It was an incredibly thoughtful gift (he has always been a really good gift giver) and really touched me.  He has even picked out thread for me in a variety of colors.
This year, I'm doubtful I'll even get a cursory text or email from him saying "happy birthday." Instead of a fun filled Saturday, I get a work filled Monday. I have zero plans for my birthday.
And I'm going to be 29. I realize that this is not very old. But it's the oldest I've ever been and it feels old bc it's my last year of my twenties.
Ugh.

Things Fall Apart

I've been really trying to stay above the ocean of despair, depression, and bitterness that I'm currently swimming in. I am trying to stay afloat and not get overwhelmed. But things seem to continue to pile up and pile on. I'm running on empty and I'm feeling incredibly haggard.
I'm still hurting from being carelessly tossed aside by my husband and still trying to deal with the emotional trauma of that whole ordeal.  That alone should be more than enough for one person to deal with. But on top of that, work has been just running me into the ground since the first of the year. I had to total up what I did from Feb. 14 through about March 23 and I had 92 court hearings, including 5 contested omnibus hearings, and three briefs due within 18 days of each other. One due on Feb. 28, one on March 5, and the last due on March 16.  So work has taken on a whole new level of grueling. 
The combination of heartache and being run into the ground at work has bleed over into almost every other aspect of my life. I'm more tired than I normally am; I am frequently later in paying bills bc I've been forgetting to pay them bc my brain is in such a fog; my house is a disaster zone that I never have time or energy to clean except the very minimal, basic things.  I rarely have time to actually go grocery shopping, instead stopping at the Target on my way home from work to grab some milk, cereal, and Totino's party pizzas.
Then of course there is the problem of my finances being a hot mess, since I can't afford to cover all the bills I'm stuck with on my own. So that is another stressor to deal with. And it appears that my Option A living arrangement is now unlikely to pan out, since I have cats. So, that kind of just fell totally apart rather suddenly.
I'm trying as hard as I can to keep trudging along and not let myself get totally overcome by despair but I am not sure how much more strength I've got in me. I feel like I'm coming undone.
People have told me that I'm handling things well but the truth is that I'm really not handling things well. I'm just really good at putting up a convincing facade. I pretend like I'm fine, I pretend like I can laugh and have fun and be carefree and that at the end of the day, I'm content with my life. It's all one enormous lie. I'm not okay in any way. I'm just a skilled actor.
I'm miserable, I'm unhappy, I'm scared about what will happen, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I'm feeling defeated. I can barely drag myself out of bed on some days. I go home from work with just enough time to eat something, crawl into bed and do crossword puzzles to keep my mind off the pain I'm dealing with until I pass out.
Supposedly things will get better. That's what everyone keeps telling me. But I have yet to see any improvement. The only difference between now and when my life first exploded is that I'm better at lying about how I'm doing and I'm better at hiding how I'm really feeling.
But other than that, nothing has changed. Things just keep falling apart and as a result, I'm falling apart.

Happy New Year

Here's hoping that 2012 is better than 2011...

Worst Christmas Ever

I got loneliness for Christmas. Phenoms.

What's the point of life if it only consists of surviving? What's the point of trying when nothing comes of it? 
It's time to go back to the girl I was before I met him. Closed-off, cynical, pessimistic, bitter, tough, slow to reveal my real self to people, and never, never, never letting anyone get too close. I let him get too close and I got burned.  Never again.