Change is the only constant

I found out on Friday that CB got a PD position in the cities & she will be starting there on October 9th. This also means she will be moving out of the apt across the hallway from me. Right now, it's just the 2 of us in the building (there are only 2 apts) so it's been pretty cool bc we have the whole building to ourselves. But she isn't going to be there much longer & I have no idea who will be moving in across the way. I'm pretty disappointed about the whole thing bc I was really on the fence about moving to this location & knowing that I would have someone I know there w/ me tipped the scales. But now I will be by myself in a town I don't know w/o people I know close by. So that sucks. I am happy for CB but very sad, too.

Why I always sound like a sourpuss

It occurs to me that I have been quite complainy lately in my posts. I suppose there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is that this has always been my outlet of sorts, the place where I go dump everything that I am thinking/feeling to get it out of my system. That way, it isn't still kicking around in my head. I tend to be someone who mulls things over & can't stop thinking about things (I'll bet that's not at all a news flash), so just getting my thoughts out of my head helps me to stop that cycle of dwelling on things.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I have learned a lot about myself since the divorce and the one thing I have come to realize very distinctly is that I am two people. I am the person I let most people see & then I am the person I rarely let anyone get to know.

They are both technically accurate versions of who I am. It's not that one is fake & one is who I "really" am. It's more that the one everyone sees is an incomplete picture of my personality. There are pieces of the whole that are missing from the person I let people get to know.

Summer Bucket List

Work is making me feel very stabby today so I need something to distract myself from being in a crabby mood.  It's been really nice outside the last week or so (it was a non-stop rainfest for basically all of June) so I started thinking about all the stuff I always say that I want to do over the summer but never get around to actually doing it. So, I'm going to have a summer bucket list and make sure i do the things on my summer bucket list. 

So, here's what I've thought of so far: 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm being transferred at work to a different county than the one I've been in for the last 2 years. I'm actually pretty sad about the move.  I like the county that I work in and I'm sad that I will have to change. Plus, I hate change with a passion. I hate having to meet new people and I hate having to be in new situations where I don't know what's expected... Every court has its own idiosyncrasies and I hate not knowing what those are when I am in court.  After you've been in court for awhile in a certain area, you get used to what to expect and what the judges are like and how things operate...but, I'm going to be tossed into a new environment and have to learn this new court's processes.  Sigh... Plus, I have to say goodbye to all the awesome people at my current county!  That makes me sad, too.  A couple of the court clerks have asked me if it is true I'm moving and said that they hoped I'd be back soon because they liked having me there.  That was really nice to hear.  And I'll miss the prosecutors, too, since I genuinely like and get along w/ all of them.  I'd consider them all friends, so I am sad to have to leave.

Well, that's a surprise

Recently, a handful of people I know have told me that I'm "easy to talk to."  Given that I have crushing social anxiety (which has eased significantly since I started taking anti-anxiety meds) and find it difficult to talk to people, this has been a surprising description.  I don't know that I would ever have described myself as easy to talk to.
So, what makes someone "easy to talk to?"  I decided to Google it to see what characteristics make someone easy to talk to.  And now I'm more confused...
Popular characteristics included:
-outgoing
-non-judgmental
-warm
-open
-a good listener
-a good conversationalist
-friendly
Looking at those, I am not sure how I fit with those descriptors. Maybe "a good listener," but only bc I'm usually to shy to say much, so the other person can run at the mouth and I will just politely nod bc then I don't have to talk. But all the other ones? I'm not sure about those. Especially the non-judgmental one.  I'm so good at being judgmental that I could win the gold medal at the Judgment Olympics.

So that's happening now...

Just got back from Chi-town, visiting RV and her spawn and her husby.  I'm pretty proud of myself bc this time I taught Spawn to say, "I'm not a terrorist!" and "That sounds like communism!" Just for funsies. This is probably why it's a good thing I don't have kids. Although it was super adorable when I got there and Spawn saw me and jumped out of her chair, calling my name, and threw her tiny, midget arms around my legs in a hug. Awwwww...cute...she is super funny and adorable.

Next stop...

Taos, New Mexico!
I'm pretty excited. I love my friends for inviting me along on this trip.
This has been a tough last 10 months to live through, but things like this make me realize that even with the sadness and bad things that have occurred, I'm very blessed in many ways.  Having friends who are thoughtful enough to invite me along to help keep my spirits up, having a job where I can take time off for vacations, having the financial ability to save up some money to go on this trip, and being able to see this beautiful, breathtaking area of the world are just a few of the ways I've been blessed even in times of great sadness.  Recognizing these things makes it easier to pass through the dark times in life.  Plus, it's hard to feel sad when I'm surrounded by such incredible beauty in such a majestic place. I'm more relaxed and stress-free than I have been in the last 10 months.  I definitely needed to get away and be in a place where it's impossible for me to feel sad.
This is the first time in 10 months I've felt really truly happy, really content with things. I'd forgotten how wonderful that feels. Even if it doesn't last, even if the sadness creeps back in once I get home, I'm very grateful for being able to feel that contentment and happiness for right now.  Because at least I know it's possible to feel that way again, something I wasn't sure of before.

Down to .666 average and other news

Well, I lost my most recent felony trial.  That sucked a lot, especially because I thought we had a really good case.  I was pretty disappointed when we lost and was in a foul mood for the rest of the day and into the next one, as well.  The only good part about the whole thing is that I know for certain that my client felt like he had good representation during his case.  I know this because he told me.  After my closing argument, I sat back down and he leaned over and said, "Guilty or not guilty, you did a great job.  I just wanted you to know that."  And then after we got the verdict, he said, "It sucks, but you did the best you could do and that's all I can ask for.  I have no complaints--you're the best lawyer I've ever had and I've had lots of public pretenders in the past."  So, while losing the trial really, really sucked and I was really disappointed, I took some solace in the knowledge that my client knew I'd put my all into it and that there was really nothing more I could do--no second guessing that if I'd only done this or that, then maybe the jury would have acquitted.  

Second verse, same as the first

I worked from home today because yesterday I couldn't manage to get through one hour without having to go into the bathroom to cry.  I just accepted the fact that I would be crying again today and since I didn't have court today, I worked from home to avoid crying at work.  


Due to our current financial situation, neither one of us can just walk out the door right now.  Which means that for the time being, Hat's moved into the den--which is actually a second bedroom but which we use as a den--and I'm left in our bedroom, alone.  I had to rearrange the room just to make it so that I could be in there by myself, because leaving it like it always had been felt too horrible.  It still feels horrible, but now it's a different kind of horrible.  It's the kind of horrible where I know it's only like this because the other way was even more horrible. 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

One of my non-lawyer friends said something very funny the other day, which I needed to share:

This weekend, I was telling my friend how I had just recently gotten assigned to an attempted first degree murder case.  I said that I'd already done a first degree murder case in February and now I had an attempted murder case in the same year.  My friend's response was, "So, is that like hitting for the cycle* in a lawyer's world?"



*"Hitting for the cycle" is a baseball term that refers to a situation in which a player hits a single, double, triple, and a home run all in the same game.

I get to see Cider on Sunday!!!!!

Cider was discharged from the hospital today!!!! Best! News! Ever!