Feeling better

Things have been better recently. Nothing has changed in any significant way but I'm just feeling better on a day to day basis.
Some things have changed, although not massively. I have coworker that I can carpool with now. That helps with the cost of gas and also cuts down on how often I'm alone during the long car rides to and from work, just me and my thoughts. I do most of my ruminating in the car bc it's not like there is much else to do. So cutting down on my alone-with-my-thoughts time has helped, I think.
And it just doesn't hurt so bad anymore. It still hurts. It probably always will at least a little. But it's  not the intense gaping wound it once was. It isn't even as tender as it was a month ago. This kind of wound has to heal from the inside out. It takes awhile for the healing to be visible on the outside, even for me to see it. But it is starting to feel like maybe the healing will be visible soon.
It feels good to feel better. Not 100% but working  my way there.

The past comes back again

I've been dismarried for over two weeks now (has it really been that long??). He and I had a brief email exchange a few days after it became final, which consisted of me telling him he did not need to pretend to want to talk to me anymore since the divorce was completed. I assumed he was being friendly so I didn't try to exact revenge in the divorce (which made me upset because I had been very gracious, all things considered) and told him he could stop now. He responded that he had talked to me bc he wanted to, not out of concern of being screwed in the divorce.

I'm unvarnished and people hate that

Now that I'm not married ( I still have trouble saying "I'm divorced.") people keep saying things like, "Now you can decide who you're going to be from this point on." Or things to that effect. My bishop (for you non-Mormons, the bishop is like a pastor of the local congregation) asked me what Version 3.0 of myself is going to be.
I find this confusing. I wasn't a vastly different person while married. I was certainly happier, but I didn't become a whole new person.
The other wrinkle in this is that everyone also keeps telling me not to let this make me bitter or cynical or pessimistic. Which makes me want to ask, "Have you met me before?" Those are kind of my key characteristics. They are the reason I have such charm (har har har).

At least I haven't lost my biting sarcasm

Text conversation with my friend:
Me: I'm so depressed. I wish I were dead so I could have some of those rewards in the next life (I'm not suicidal. I would not hurt or kill myself. This was a reference to an earlier conversation we had had, discussing how it is often discussed at church when going through hard times, to remember that there well be rewards in the next life, which I always thought sounded like an incentive for people to commit suicide. No need to be concerned.)
Friend: Will you stop taking like that? You're freaking me out. You're not looking at your clue board as a game plan are you? (She missed the reference, I guess.)
Me: Don't worry. I'd never kill myself. Ward and Hubert would run out of food and then eat my corpse and that is too creepy for words.
Yes folks, even in the midst of great sadness, my inner smart-ass still survives and cracks dark-humored jokes.

The Way Things Are

This was not how I wanted things to go. But very rarely does life ever give me what I want. In fact, usually if I want it, it either won't happen or it gets taken away. That is the way things have often seemed to go.
The finality at least means it's over now, although not the way I wanted. The uncertainty was painful. Having an end is also painful. But pain is something I'm very familiar with. I'm not sure I know what it is like to live without pain.
This has left me with scars, with wounds that will stop hurting so bad but will never heal. People tell me I'll meet someone else, but I won't. Because I won't ever open my heart again. I refuse to allow this to happen again and this experience has shown me that no matter how much you think you know someone, you don't. No one can be trusted enough to give my heart away again.
In my life, ever since I was a child, people have left me. Family has been an elusive concept. I have always worried I would never find a stable family; now I know that is true. No one stays, so I see no reason to form relationships with the expectation of longevity. For me, it's not a reality.
No man is an island, but I'm pretty close.

Well, it's official

As of today, I'm no longer married.
Damn, that still hurts like a bitch even though I knew it was coming.

Friend is a Four-Letter Word

To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
When I go fishing
For the words
I am wishing
You would say to me
I'm really only praying
That the words you'll soon be saying
Might betray
The way
You feel about me.
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
- Friend is a Four-Letter Word by Cake

Short & sweet

I'm going to see Flight tonight. It looks awesome. And Denzel is pretty good looking.
YKW and I have a phone conference on Monday to discuss the incorrect divorce papers. I'm assuming that we will finally get everything corrected and then he can submit the corrections to his lawyer. And then hopefully this whole nightmare can finally be over. I just want to be done. I don't have enough energy anymore and I just want there to be some end to this horrible holding pattern I've been in for more than a year. I don't want to be divorced anymore than I want to be kicked in the head, but if it has to happen, I'd rather get it over with quickly. I don't want to keep waiting for the painful event.
I want a nap.
That is all.

And now, here's this stuff

I got the "corrected" divorce paperwork today.  Guess what?  Still not correct.  Including--once again--my name.  Even after notifying YKW's attorney that there were errors, there are still errors.  This is never going to be over...ugggghhhhh...  Again, this just continues to drag on and on and on and on...can it just be over?!?!  I just want this to be over... 

My book is done!

My book is officially finished!!

It's currently being reviewed for formatting, etc. by Amazon.com and then it will be available for purchase in approximately 12 hours.  

Nothing more to say

The divorce papers came in the mail.

One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of when YKW told me he wanted a divorce.  Today is the one year mark of the saddest moment of my life. 

One year ago, I could barely breathe because the pain I was in was so intense it was a physical thing.  I bawled every night before bed, hard enough to give myself a headache.  One year ago, I wanted to die just to give my poor heart a reprieve from the agony of losing him.  At times the pain was so overwhelming that I thought I actually might die from heartache.  One year ago, I could not imagine a life without him. I could not imagine ever being happy again.  One year ago, I thought my life was over.  And it came close on many occasions, when I felt like I just could not go on even one more minute.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% better than one year ago. That I picked myself up and never looked back. I wish I could say I never shed anymore tears for him, that I don't care at all about him, and that I'm happier without him.

But, I can't say any of those things. None of those things are true.

What I can say is that, while I do still cry about him (sometimes very hard), those sessions are now much more rare. While I still have days where things feel awful, I have been able to have many happy times.  I can laugh again, and pretty much do every day.  I can have fun again.  While I still care about him and still love him, I don't feel like I need him anymore--just want.  Not need.  While I can't say I'm happier without him, I can say that I have been able to find happiness without him.

I do look back. I do think about what we had and it still makes me sad to have lost him.  My heart is not okay yet.  But, it's trying to be.

Would I feel happier if he said he loved me and wanted to try to work on out marriage? Probably.  He still has my heart, right or wrong.  Would my preference be that we would be together again? Yes. I'd prefer that.  But, even without those things being true, I can still have days that are good and fun and enjoyable.  I can be okay.

We are still married.  He has not yet filed the paperwork for the divorce.  A part of my heart continues to hope that if we aren't divorced, then maybe we can still make things work.  I don't know if it will ever be true or if it's wishful thinking.

I'm grateful for the people who have surrounded me in love and thoughts and prayers over the last year. I have felt more love and care as I have walked this dark path than I ever have in my life.  When I have been too tired to keep going, when my legs have collapsed beneath me, when the desire to keep going has left me, when even the desire to eat has disappeared, when I have fallen under the weight of this emotional burden, when I have felt alone in my grief, people were there to pick me back up, to carry me, to feed me, to help me walk, to grieve with me, to be my strength when I had none left, to take care of me when I didn't care. The love and support I have been surrounded by has been more than I could have ever expected. I would never have survived without the people who have been there for me.

Am I 100% better? No. I'm not even sure I could say that I'm 50% better. But, I am sure that I will get there eventually. And that is much more than I could say one year ago.

Life in bullet format

The apt is coming along slowly but surely. I get a little bit unpacked here and there as much as I can. It has been difficult to find time, but I try to do a little each day so at least something is getting done. I wish it would just magically be finished but oh well. I'm sure I will get everything unpacked about ten weeks before I have to move again.
Other events lately:
• Had my fifth trial this year. Lost. I'm on pace to have the most trials this year that I've ever had.
• YKW has been confusing and odd lately. First there was the recent statement from him that he likes talking to me and didn't ever really think about not talking with me (except for that time in December he told me not to talk to him...).  Now he has says that we may potentially hang out in the future and he doesn't see why not.  Really? I'm starting to be concerned that perhaps he has suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury since we separated, as I can think of about 9 months' worth of reasons why not. So, I don't know what that is all about. I find the whole thing rather stressful so I'm just going to continue to ignore it.
• I'm going camping in August. I'm excited. It's been like 3 yrs since I've gone camping, so it should be a nice time.
Yep, that's all I have for now.

Reboot

I am finally starting to not feel like death.  Today I accomplished eating without immediately feeling like I was going to throw up, so that's an improvement. Having an upset stomach is pretty much the worst thing ever, so I'm glad I'm finally feeling like I am not always ready to puke. I am hopeful I'll feel well enough to go to work tomorrow. I was sick on Thursday and Friday, as well as today (plus all weekend but I don't have to call my boss to tell her I'm sick on a weekend).

Made it out alive!

I made it through Sad Week last week. I was very relieved to have RV there to help keep my mind off things. I don't think I would have gotten through it without her being there. Between her and her super  adorable 3 1/2 year old girl, I had plenty of company to get me through most of the week. She ended up having to go back home on Wednesday, instead of staying the whole week (like originally planned) so it was a bit more difficult to get through the rest of the week (which probably explains my lack of motivation to get things done on Thursday, since RV wasn't there to keep me distracted anymore and then I got super depressed and couldn't get my crap together till Saturday. But, I was actually productive on Saturday so I managed to shake it off).
So, I managed to make it through with only minimal tears and I actually had a lot of fun with RV. I miss her a lot and it's always awesome to see her and her family. I'm really blessed to have such amazing friends and family to help me through this stuff. I'd be a total mess without them.
Now that I've survived Sad Week, I'm looking forward to not have any milestones to dread. No birthday without YKW, no anniversary... Just summertime. It's nice not to have this looming date that I know will be really difficult waiting for me in the future. 
The weather is gorgeous, my plants are growing, I've figured out my housing stuff...here's hoping that things are finally starting to look less bleak for me.
And even if they don't, I've still always got the cats...

That's What Friends Are For

My third anniversary is this Tuesday. I can't tell if it makes it better or worse that we are still technically married...
To make it through Sad Week, I took time off work so I wouldn't end up crying in court (that would be awkward) and my BFFE RV is coming into town today. She is staying till Thursday. She and her hilarious three year old are going to distract me.
On Tuesday, I got us super awesome seats at the Twins game. I figure this is a perfect cover for the saddest day of Sad Week, because if I'm crying at the game, everyone will assume I'm crying because the Twins are doing so horribly this year it's not even funny!  No one will ever guess I'm crying for some other reason.
And I get to teach the little ankle-biter all sorts of awesome things. When I visited over Thanksgiving, I taught her to brush her shoulder while saying, "Brush ya shoulder off" a la Jay-Z and to make a diamond with her fingers over her head and shout, "HOV!!" like Jay-Z.  Then, less than a week later, guess who happened to go into the restaurant where RV works and sat at one of her tables? I shit you not: Jay-Z and Beyonce (RV snapped a photo of the credit card reciept {minus the actual credit card numbers} to show me the signature line that read "Knowles/Beyonce" under it because I told her she was a liar and there was no way they were actually there). I am like some magic summoner of celebrities, apparently. I teach this child famous catch phrases of celebrities and then, WHAM, they appear within days.
So now the question is, who do I want to meet and what is that person known for saying that I can easily teach a three year old to mimic...? Hmmm... As Ursula the Sea Witch once said, "Life's full of tough choices in it."
Yeah, once I start quoting "The Little Mermaid," it's time to end the post.
Later, gators.

Isn't there a Mulligan for your life?

I have never wanted so badly to get into my car and just drive away.  I worked super hard when I was younger so that life would be easier and happier when I got older but that didn't exactly work out.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things.  Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in.  The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else.  I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything.  I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant.  I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing.  It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.

Cue the violins

I finally got around to seeing "The Hunger Games" this week.  Am I the only one who noticed that Gale looks almost exactly like Joe Mauer?

Uh...weird... I think I'm looking at the same person...and the more I look at them, the more I'm convinced I'm looking at the same person.  Weird!

At any rate, that's not the only I'm thinking about lately.  Although it's still creeping me out...

Well, nevermind...

So, after much debating on my part and weighing of the potential pros and cons, I finally settled on Option B, living in an apartment closer to work.  I thought this might be a needed change of scenery for me.  Unfortunately, YKW still works at the restaurant that is literally 2 minutes away from my apartment, meaning that EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY APARTMENT I have to see it and be reminded of him.  So, even if I'm not thinking about him at the moment, suddenly, WHAM, there's his work and oooooh, yeah... So, I thought that, even though I don't necessarily want to live that far away from my friends and family, changing scenery might be a smart move...

Things Fall Apart

I've been really trying to stay above the ocean of despair, depression, and bitterness that I'm currently swimming in. I am trying to stay afloat and not get overwhelmed. But things seem to continue to pile up and pile on. I'm running on empty and I'm feeling incredibly haggard.
I'm still hurting from being carelessly tossed aside by my husband and still trying to deal with the emotional trauma of that whole ordeal.  That alone should be more than enough for one person to deal with. But on top of that, work has been just running me into the ground since the first of the year. I had to total up what I did from Feb. 14 through about March 23 and I had 92 court hearings, including 5 contested omnibus hearings, and three briefs due within 18 days of each other. One due on Feb. 28, one on March 5, and the last due on March 16.  So work has taken on a whole new level of grueling. 
The combination of heartache and being run into the ground at work has bleed over into almost every other aspect of my life. I'm more tired than I normally am; I am frequently later in paying bills bc I've been forgetting to pay them bc my brain is in such a fog; my house is a disaster zone that I never have time or energy to clean except the very minimal, basic things.  I rarely have time to actually go grocery shopping, instead stopping at the Target on my way home from work to grab some milk, cereal, and Totino's party pizzas.
Then of course there is the problem of my finances being a hot mess, since I can't afford to cover all the bills I'm stuck with on my own. So that is another stressor to deal with. And it appears that my Option A living arrangement is now unlikely to pan out, since I have cats. So, that kind of just fell totally apart rather suddenly.
I'm trying as hard as I can to keep trudging along and not let myself get totally overcome by despair but I am not sure how much more strength I've got in me. I feel like I'm coming undone.
People have told me that I'm handling things well but the truth is that I'm really not handling things well. I'm just really good at putting up a convincing facade. I pretend like I'm fine, I pretend like I can laugh and have fun and be carefree and that at the end of the day, I'm content with my life. It's all one enormous lie. I'm not okay in any way. I'm just a skilled actor.
I'm miserable, I'm unhappy, I'm scared about what will happen, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I'm feeling defeated. I can barely drag myself out of bed on some days. I go home from work with just enough time to eat something, crawl into bed and do crossword puzzles to keep my mind off the pain I'm dealing with until I pass out.
Supposedly things will get better. That's what everyone keeps telling me. But I have yet to see any improvement. The only difference between now and when my life first exploded is that I'm better at lying about how I'm doing and I'm better at hiding how I'm really feeling.
But other than that, nothing has changed. Things just keep falling apart and as a result, I'm falling apart.