Trial starts tomorrow

I start a trial tomorrow. I haven't actually tried a case since last October, so I am excited to get back into the courtroom & throw down again. Trials are very stressful but they also can be very exhilarating. It's the ultimate in lawyering. It's my own personal Law & Order episode. It's when I get to be on stage & have the courtroom's attention. And it's when it becomes even more apparent to me that my clients' lives & futures are in my hands.

They always are, of course, but once we get to trial, the client is basically just along for the ride. They want a trial & then it's on me to do the work. The client doesn't make opening & closing statements. The client doesn't cross-examine witnesses. The client doesn't make objections. That's all on me. One error, one oversight, & I could mess up a possible appeal issue or overlook inadmissible evidence. That's all on me. The client is relying on me to fight, and fight hard, to win the case. The client can only sit & watch while I do the work & can only hope & pray I do it right. I cannot imagine how powerless that must make someone feel. It's an enormous responsibility we as defense attorneys are given & I try to always remember that.

I can't even understand how a client feels after a verdict. I am either horribly crushed & sick or I am over-the-moon elated & my feet don't even seem to be on the ground. And it isn't even me who deals w/ the outcome. After a verdict is read in any case, no matter how big or small, no matter win or lose, I go back to the office & get back to work. I go home & eat dinner. I get to watch some tv & cuddle with my cats & go to sleep in my own bed. A verdict will never affect my life other than on an emotional level. But clients face the consequences, good or bad, of a verdict. So if I am that crushed or that elated about a verdict, I can't even imagine what a client must feel.

That's why I do essentially nothing but trial during a trial. My life outside of work comes to a halt & every moment is spent on trial work. Because at the end of the day, at the end of a trial, I always go home. And if my clients don't get to do that, I want to know I did everything I could & put everything I had into that trial, regardless of the verdict. If I don't know that, I would never be able to live with myself.

So, tomorrow I start another courtroom battle. I take on the awesome & overwhelming responsibility of fighting for someone who can't fight for themselves. Tomorrow, I have my client's life & future in my hands.

Let's get ready to rumble.

Tough cases

I am currently working on a couple of cases that are pretty much always on my mind. I don't know exactly what to do w/ them & it's stressing me out a bit.

So far, I have never had a client take a case to trial against my advice, although I have had clients take plea offers against my advice. So, clients have put a lot of faith & trust in my recommendation about trials. Which means I need to be able to give a sound recommendation.

Usually, this is fairly easy to assess. In some cases, the evidence against the client is overwhelmingly bad & going to trial would almost certainly result in a conviction. If there is a good plea offer that would be a better outcome for the client, that's an easy assessment.

Other times, the evidence against the client is either inadmissible at trial or really weak & easy to poke holes in & point out flaws. The case is one that we reasonably could win @ trial. Sometimes there is a really, really good offer but sometimes, they're isn't and then it makes sense to go to trial.

The ones that are difficult for me & the ones that are currently on my mind are the ones where it's almost impossible to figure out whether a trial or a plea agreement is a better option. This usually happens when the state has decent, but not rock solid, evidence & we have logical counter-arguments and/or evidence. When the two sides are evenly matched, it's really difficult to make a recommendation to the client about which is the better option.

There is also the concern that maybe my assessment might be tainted by "trial psychosis." This is a common thing we defense attorneys get. As we work a case up for trial & as we are in trial, we become convinced that there is no way that we could lose @ trial. The closer the trial is & the more work we do to prep it for trial, the more certain we are that we are going to win. This happens no matter how awful the evidence is against the client or how unlikely a win really is. Which means my advice, if given during a trial psychosis moment, might not be the most reasoned assessment.

So, I am trying to think out the cases before I hit trial psychosis mode. I want to be able to make a rational assessment of the cases that I am currently mulling over. But they are tough, because both sides have decent arguments.

So, I cannot stop thinking about them. Even when I am not @ work, they are stuck in my head.

Also...

If anyone is interested, I write poetry over here.

Some things I just can't get used to

One thing I have never really adjusted to about being single is not having someone to talk to about the small things in my day. I used to come home & rehash my day w/ someone, going over the stuff that happened in both of our days. I miss having someone to do that with. It was nice to have someone who remembered the names of the people I dealt with in my work & who knew enough about my work so I didn't have to give a whole background schpiel. It was nice to be able to have someone who cared about the little details of my life that I could talk to & who also talked to me about those things in their day. I miss having someone who genuinely cared about how my day was, every day.

I don't want to impose on people by making them listen to a recitation of my day when I don't know that they want to hear it. Most people already have a partner that they share their daily lives with & don't need or want another. I don't want to be that annoying person who overshares w/ people who don't want to hear my rambling.

The other thing I miss is having someone who can take care of me. Not in a pay-my-bills, kept-woman sort of way. In an emotional sense. I am a pretty strong, independent, self-sufficient person, but there are times when I get tired of always being strong. Sometimes, I want to fall apart & not be strong. Sometimes I wish I had someone to let me curl up next to them & have them hold me so I could have a break from being strong all the time. When I was really stressed or sad or just couldn't deal w/ things anymore, Hat used to hold me like I was a little kid till I felt better. Sometimes he would sing me a song to cheer me up bc he was a good singer. It was very comforting to have someone who could take care of me when I was tired of being strong all the time.

As strong as I may be, it's a strength out of necessity, not one that I necessarily wanted to have. And sometimes, I just want a guy to be there to take care of me, as silly & unpfeminist as that may be. I don't need someone to take care of me, but I do want it. Singing me songs would be optional, of course. But I could sure go for someone to hold me when I need to take a break from keeping it all together.

I take it back, I take it back!

Remember how I am always saying I am never going to date anyone ever again and I am never going to be in a relationship ever again?

I take it all back!!

I need a boyfriend specifically so I don't have to carry 37 lb boxes of cat litter up all the stairs to my apt. It's brutal! And heavy! And totally a boy job that I shouldn't have to do bc I am a girl!

(And yes, for the record, I am pulling the dainty lady/damsel in distress card. I am selectively girly when it benefits me!)

Serious, look at how awful this is!

Drugs are bad. Drug laws are worse.

A Duluth shop owner and two employees are on trial for 50+ felony charges alleging that they sold "synthetic drugs," in violation of federal laws. He is also facing a number of state charges for the same reason. 

He isn't alleged to have been pushing heroin on innocent schoolchildren at the park or anything so dastardly as that.  He's alleged to have sold products that are used to get high but that aren't what people normally think of when they hear "drugs." 

These so called "synthetic drugs" go by a variety of different names. Plant food, bath salts, K2, spice, etc. They are often packaged and sold as a product w/ a legitimate use, for example, plant food or bath salts. Some are sold as potpourri. Almost always, the packaging will have a label somewhere on it that clearly states: Not For Human Consumption.  

I like to document these days

Today is one of those days where I can say that I am really, truly happy. I am much more acutely aware of these days when I have them than I ever was before, which is of course due to the fact that I was once, not that long ago, worried I would never be able to be really, truly happy ever again. So, when I have days where I feel like everything is fantastic & I am brimming w/ happiness & good feelings, I want to document it. That way, if I ever go through another dark period (I sincerely hope not) and feel like I can't be happy again, I can know that that isn't true.

The really great thing is that nothing huge happened today. I didn't win the lottery, I didn't get a promotion, I didn't meet the love of my life, I didn't have anything remarkable happen. I just went to a Twins game w/ my friends & coworkers & had a really fun time. It's ridiculously cheesy, but I am incredibly grateful that something as simple as a Twins game w/ my friends is enough for me to feel really, really happy.

It's so incredible to know that I am actually ok again. And now I know w/o a doubt that I can get through anything. I was convinced I couldn't survive the divorce, that it was too much & that I would never recover from it. But I found that I am stronger & more resilient than I ever imagined. And I can be happy again.

I am happy again.

Finally something @ work wasn't like pulling teeth

I had an interesting thing occur @ work on Friday. I have a client who has a probation violation hearing coming up, so I requested the chronos from the state. Chronos are the probation records & should have all contacts btwn the probation officer & the defendant, any intermediate sanctions that were imposed, the defendant's progress, etc.

Hubert

It's been awhile since I have talked about the cats. I can't be a crazy cat lady if I don't talk about them, right? So cat post today. You're welcome.

I recently found out that Hubert has asthma. I didn't even know that was a thing for cats, but apparently it is. I discovered this bc about 3 weeks ago, Hubert started making this choking, gagging noise. At first I thought it might be a hairball but nothing came up & he kept doing it. I thought he might have eaten something he shouldn't & that it was stuck so I took him to the vet.

Change is the only constant

I found out on Friday that CB got a PD position in the cities & she will be starting there on October 9th. This also means she will be moving out of the apt across the hallway from me. Right now, it's just the 2 of us in the building (there are only 2 apts) so it's been pretty cool bc we have the whole building to ourselves. But she isn't going to be there much longer & I have no idea who will be moving in across the way. I'm pretty disappointed about the whole thing bc I was really on the fence about moving to this location & knowing that I would have someone I know there w/ me tipped the scales. But now I will be by myself in a town I don't know w/o people I know close by. So that sucks. I am happy for CB but very sad, too.

Why I always sound like a sourpuss

It occurs to me that I have been quite complainy lately in my posts. I suppose there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is that this has always been my outlet of sorts, the place where I go dump everything that I am thinking/feeling to get it out of my system. That way, it isn't still kicking around in my head. I tend to be someone who mulls things over & can't stop thinking about things (I'll bet that's not at all a news flash), so just getting my thoughts out of my head helps me to stop that cycle of dwelling on things.

Doldrums

Work has been really tough for me lately. I can't say that the work has been overly demanding or rushed, like I was this time last year. But it's still tough because of the area I am in. And it seems like my clients are more difficult recently, as well. It's been really draining emotionally & mentally.
It's been very difficult to feel passionate about work now. It's hard to feel excited about what I am doing because things are just really not clicking for me the way they used to. I have started to dislike being @ work, which really sucks. I want to feel excited & passionate & driven again @ when I am working on my cases. I don't want to be a crappy public defender who doesn't connect w/ the clients & who doesn't have the fire in the belly for this work. But I worry that maybe I am starting to lose my fire. Instead, I just feel...tired & worn out all the time @ work now.
I am trying not to let that be my default attitude @ work. I am trying to find things that make me feel excited & passionate. But so far, things aren't changing. I really hope this is just a phase.

Plague

I have been crazy sick since Friday. I left work early on Friday bc I started to feel it hit me. My throat was really raw & sore, so I was hoping to try to catch it before it really took off, but it was of no use. I spent all day Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and most of today feeling like death. Monday & Tuesday were the worst, since that is when the deep, hacking cough started. So that's been fun! I have managed to cough so hard & so violently that my abs hurt.

Thankfully, the worst of it is over so I will be going back to work tomorrow. But the timing sucked bc I was finally going to be in trial this week for the first time since last October! I was looking forward to being in trial bc it has been way too long since I have been able to do one. Ugh. But, given that I was coughing up phlegm & had almost completely lost my voice on Monday, I wasn't make to go in to work & my trial had to be postponed.

But it looks like I will have a chance to do another trial soon, since I have a number of them scheduled to start over the next few weeks.

Ok time for a nap. Getting better but not entirely back to normal!

Why DNA at a crime scene is sometimes totally meaningless

Remember that time I wrote about the SCOTUS decision on DNA swabs taken from someone who was only arrested, not convicted of any crime, and why that was a terrible, terrible ruling?  Some people responded to my hypothetical in that first post by saying it was so remote of a possibility that it was nonsense (see the comments on that for responses).

I mean, who cares what I think? I'm just some fear-mongering public defender who gets criminals off on "technicalities" (also known as "your constitutional rights"). I mean, I am clearly conjuring up the most ridiculous, far-fetched scenario possible just to freak people out. It's so unlikely that something like that would ever actually happen. 

Except for that time that is totally did. 

Set 'em up & knock 'em down

I had 2 motion hrgs today. The first was for a sentence modification, which the State opposed. I won that motion. Which was a kickass way to start the day.

The other one was the state requesting an order to collect a DNA sample from my client, which I opposed. The court took it under advisement.

I considered that a momentary win. The State had 3 officers there to take the sample (I don't know why they needed 3 but they were all there). They assumed the court would grant the State request on the spot & they would take the sample right there. But that isn't what happened. Instead, all 3 officers left empty-handed while the judge makes his decision. I heard one officer zip his kit back up after the judge made his statement re: under advisement & it made me feel all smug inside.

And tmrw, I am going to post something about DNA that is crazy!! So hold on to your butts!

It's not me. It's them.

People seem to think that bc I am skeptical that I will date anyone in the future that that somehow means that I have a low opinion of myself or that I lack confidence in myself or something along those lines. That is completely not the case.

I think I am the shit. If I were a dude, I would totally date me in a heartbeat bc I am a phenomenal girlfriend. Here is my list of awesome girlfriend characteristics that would make me want to date me:
*I am ridiculously funny
*I am smart & educated
*I have a good job
*I am super low-maintenance
*I am rarely, if ever, jealous in a relationship
*I firmly believe we need separate time w/ just our friends & w/o the partner.
*I don't get mad & then not say why bc "he should just know!" Bc that's moronic unless you're dating a psychic.
*I don't bring up old arguments in the future.
*I'm pretty & have a great rack
*I can hang out w/ my guy's friends & actually have a good time.
*I scream @ the TV when watching the Twins.
*I actually eat real food
*I am super good @ making out (or so I have been told on many occasions)
*I loathe drama. I prefer a drama-free relationship, thanks.
*I like playing video games

And so on & so forth. So basically, I think I am the bee's knees. My belief that I won't be in another relationship isn't because I don't think highly of myself. It's bc, as a straight woman, I am stuck dating guys. And guys are, by & large, idiots (although I will concede that there are exceptions to this & that I do actually know some non-idiot guys, but they aren't the norm). Basically, about two months into dating a guy, he turns into a moron. They either get all weird bc I am smarter than them in something (like, you know, the law...). Or they get all weird bc they feel threatened that I don't NEED a guy to take care of me (but I have no problems w/ being some hot, rich guy's trophy wife, just for the record!). Or they date me for awhile & then forget that I am a fucking catch & start to take my awesomeness for granted & then dump me (cough, cough, YKW, cough, cough). Or the guys that are interested in me are guys that I would never go out with (clients, for example, or creepers or clingy, needy, smothery guys). Or they do that weird thing where they put me on this pedestal & idolize me to the point that they will let me walk all over them, which is really unattractive.

Essentially, the reason I think it's highly unlikely I will date anyone else is bc I have to date guys & guys are terrible relationship partners. It's not me--I am the shit. It's them. I don't need to be told to have more confidence in myself or to work on my self-esteem. I need someone to make guys stop being royal idiots.

Because have I mentioned that I am fabulous? Bc seriously...I am fabulous.

Our full time office intern is hilarious

We have a full time intern this summer @ the office. He is very funny. Most recently, he asked me why one of my nails on each hand was a different color than the rest. I said, "It's called an accent nail. Ask your wife, she'll tell you about it."

Then yesterday, at lunch, he tells me & CB that he asked his wife. "She said she had heard of it, but didn't do it because she thinks it's stupid." CB & I disagreed with her opinion.

Later in the evening yesterday, I get a text from the intern. It says: "My wife would like me to inform you that she actually does find accent nails cool. She just doesn't do them because she isn't good at them. She also wants me to tell you that I am stupid."

I laughed for like 5 minutes straight.

For real, best intern ever.

So good after so long

YKW moves to Iowa tomorrow. I know this bc he told me. I don't exactly know why he tells me these things, but he does.
The interesting thing is that I don't really care about it. I remember when he told me initially, I was devastated. But now, I don't really have any feelings on it one way or the other.

It's strange, when you really think about it, how quickly someone can stop loving another person. He told me he wanted a divorce on September 20, 2011. We had been together for 6 years & I loved him more than I could comprehend. I couldn't imagine a day without him in it. And now, less than 2 years later, I can't imagine a day with him in it. He is no longer someone I think about very often. In a way, it's quite sad how quickly the heart can stop loving someone. But in another way, I am grateful for that.

YKW still texts me. I don't know why & again, I don't really care one way or the other. For awhile, it made me hope we might fix things. Then it made me angry that he would even think I wanted to hear from him. But now, I just don't really care. If he wants to text me, ok. If he doesn't, ok.

I suspect his need to stay in touch despite having absolutely no reason to do so stems from either a sense of guilt for what he did & wants to make amends of some kind or a desire to keep one foot in the door with me, just in case he decides he wants me again. I can't think of any other reasons why he would want to stay in touch. Neither reason makes much sense to me, bc I have already told him I have forgiven him & the reconciliation ship sailed when the divorce became final. But I suppose he has his reasons & I don't really care what they are.

It's taken awhile, but I feel good again & it's an incredibly freeing feeling to know I don't care what YKW does anymore. My life is good w/o him & I am happy (for the most part).

It feels so damn good to realize that I have finally been able to let go.

Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go

I meet with my therapist for what will most likely be the last time tomorrow. I am a little scared about that, but mostly I am somewhat relieved. Because I think that not needing to see him anymore, not needing to work through everything with him anymore, is the final goodbye & last door to be closed on my old life. I don't feel like I need help coping anymore. I feel okay again.

My life certainly isn't perfect. Work has been a definite struggle since being assigned in my current county. I am not happy with my weight currently & don't feel super attractive lately. I still feel lonely @ times. But overall, my life is pretty good. Especially when compared to this time last year. Last year my heart & spirits were so low, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to stop feeling miserable & despondent. I wasn't sure if I would ever stop loving YKW. I wasn't sure if I would ever have the strength to make it through everything. So, life is far from perfect right now, but it's substantially improved from a year ago. And for that I am grateful.

I think sometimes about whether I will meet someone else in the future, but I don't think that's in the cards for me. I am pretty gun-shy @ the thought of being in another serious (or not so serious) relationship, for one. And for two, I am not the type of chick that guys seem to want to date. Although, I have gotten 2 marriage proposals from guys who follow me on Twitter & another one who told me he thinks he is a little bit in love with me, so I guess I am pretty charming online? But I am the relatively the same online as I am in person but the charm seems to fall flat in real life. But whatever, it's totes fine since I don't even know what I would do in a relationship anymore besides freak out & get all anxious & flighty.

So I doubt there is a relationship in my future but I am not wasting time worrying about that. It is what it is. I have enough other things in my life to occupy my time.
In an unrelated but interesting note, someone who just recently started reading my blog told me it was very funny & said he didn't know how I can came up w/ this stuff. My response was just, "That is what it is like in my head all the time. I just write my blog in the same voice & language as how I think." So, yeah...reading my blog is basically the same as spending time listening to my internal monologue .

Damnit

As I was driving home last night, someone unexpectedly took a left turn across traffic & into my lane. I tried to swerve to avoid hitting her but I wasn't able to avoid it. I collided with her back end. Then, she drove away!

I called my insurance company & the police. I found out from the officer who called me back that the woman who caused the accident had called to report it too. Apparently she explained that her sudden erratic turn into my lane was because her son started choking & vomiting in the back of the car, so she was trying to turn into a business parking lot to see if he was okay. Why she didn't turn right, NOT into oncoming traffic & into a parking lot on that side, I don't know.

So now my car is all sorts of jacked up. It runs still, but the bumper looks like it's going to fall off, the wheel well is misshapen, & I can't open the passenger door. So that's great.

Ugh.