Cue the violins

I finally got around to seeing "The Hunger Games" this week.  Am I the only one who noticed that Gale looks almost exactly like Joe Mauer?

Uh...weird... I think I'm looking at the same person...and the more I look at them, the more I'm convinced I'm looking at the same person.  Weird!

At any rate, that's not the only I'm thinking about lately.  Although it's still creeping me out...

It's my birthday today

YKW didn't bother to even acknowledge it. I didn't even get a text or email saying happy birthday from him.
Ouch.

My Phone Hates Me

Text from my friend: Are you coming to church today? Should I save you a seat?
Me: Yes! On my way now!
Me: Where are you shitting?
Me: SITTING! OMG, SITTING!!
Friend: Hahahahaha!
Friend: In the back.
Me: I'm going hell for texting that to you while you're in church.
Me: Left or right dude?
Me: SIDE. Left or right SIDE. Dang it...
Friend: I'm laughing so hard I'm shaking right now. We are on the left dude.

"...where everybody knows your name..."

I had another client today tell me that he had heard about me before becoming my client.  This one was a bit of a surprise because he isn't from the area where I work and where my clients are from, but he had still somehow heard about me. He even told me that he was from "far away" and that he had still heard about me.  And, like most of the clients who tell me things like this, he wanted to know when I was going to open my own firm.  This question always makes me chuckle a little, as if being a competent attorney and being a public defender are mutually exclusive.  The clients also seem to miss the obvious point that if I ever did open a firm, I wouldn't be a public defender anymore, which means they would not be able to have me as their attorney. 

I was bet surprised that this client had heard of me.  I have become aware of the fact that the clients in my area are often familiar with me/my name because it's a small area and the same groups of people are often in the system. And if they are in jail, they all talk, of course. So I did know that I've somehow gotten a reputation among the people in my area.  But it was very surprising to hear that people who aren't in my area have heard of me. That thought had never even occurred to me.

I don't agree that I'm somehow better than other public defenders, although some clients have told me otherwise. I think this is more of an illusion than anything else. I think two factors about me that I can't change cause people to think I'm better than I actually am. One, I'm the youngest PD we have. And I have been told that I look younger than I really am. Two, I'm a chick. I don't think people expect much from their deceptively-young-looking female attorney, so if I do anything competently, they perceive that to be outstanding. I still get asked how long I've been a lawyer and when I graduated school, so I think people must initially think the brand-new, completely inexperienced PD got assigned to their case. The bar is set so low for me, anything I do is above and beyond what was expected.

I don't do remarkable work on cases. I'm not on the front lines of novel legal arguments; I'm not feared by the opposition; I don't raise new or unexplored issues of law; I don't have some headliner case under my belt... I show up, probably a little haggard, talk to my client for a bit, and in 99.99% of cases, I get a deal for the client and help my client plead guilty to something. In almost 2 years of felony work, I've only had 5 trials and 5 contested hearings (although I have filed more than 5 motions, but I usually am able to get a deal that negates the need for the hearing). I really don't do anything magical or amazing or incredibly legally skilled. The reputation has to come from low expectations of public defenders in general combined with my age and gender. There is nothing I do that sets me apart from other attorneys or other public defenders. I'm just run of the mill.  I honestly don't know where clients  get the idea I'm some legal powerhouse. I mean, I'm glad my clients are happy, but I don't think they would be any less happy with a different public defender.

I suppose eventually the hype will wear off when I no longer look like the baby in the courthouse and people realize I'm just an average attorney.  In the meantime, it's very strange to have become widely known among those accused of crimes.  Strange demographic to become well-known in...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

My birthday is next Monday. Normally, I love my birthday. It's a day where I get to be extra special for the day. I have always enjoyed my birthday.
But this year, I'm having trouble mustering much enthusiasm for it.  I can't help but remember last year, when Hat surprised me with a sewing box filled with new sewing items.  It was an incredibly thoughtful gift (he has always been a really good gift giver) and really touched me.  He has even picked out thread for me in a variety of colors.
This year, I'm doubtful I'll even get a cursory text or email from him saying "happy birthday." Instead of a fun filled Saturday, I get a work filled Monday. I have zero plans for my birthday.
And I'm going to be 29. I realize that this is not very old. But it's the oldest I've ever been and it feels old bc it's my last year of my twenties.
Ugh.

Trial #3 tomorrow

Trial number 3 for 2012 starts tomorrow.  It's a misdemeanor DWI case.  I think it will be relatively quick, which is the benefit of misdemeanor trials.  They tend to be much shorter in duration than felony trials.  And there are only 6 people on the jury, which means jury selection is faster, too.  


I think I'm on track to outpace the number of trials I had in all of last year.  It's only April and I'm already at #3 for the year.  I had three total in all of last year.  So, if in the next 8 months I have another trial (which I definitely will, since I've got a number of cases that are on track for trial), then I beat all of last year's trial record.  Whew...


I've also definitely outpaced the contested omnibus hearings from last year.  Last year I had three of them.  This year, I've already had six, with two more still scheduled for this month. 


I'm a contesting-things machine lately.  

Building Client Relationships 101

I flipped off one of my clients today. To his face.

That's a great lead-in, isn't it?! It's not really as shocking as it sounds, though.

I've had this client for nine months and will have him for at least another month. I've had two trials with him. Trials always involve spending a significant amount of time with the client to prep, so doing two trials means I've spent quite a lot of time with him.  He has always been friendly and polite and respectful.  I actually like this client and he has been one of the best clients I've worked with. He also has a dry sense of humor and likes to say things just to see what my reaction will be and/or poke fun at me.  I have a similar sense of humor, although I don't generally crack jokes with my clients. 

I met with him today for a few hours to work on stuff.  After he teased me about something, I flipped him off in response.  He thought that was pretty funny.  I guess most lawyers don't flip off their clients. 

Some people might call flipping off a client inappropriate.  I like to call it "rapport building."

Welcome to the Dark Side

We have a new contract attorney in the office.  She's delightful.  The best part is that she used to be a prosecutor...like until about three days before starting with us.
Best quote from her so far? After.talking to her about my client, she said,,"He has so many good things going for him. Jail won't help him...I can't believe that just came out of my mouth..."
Ha! Awesome.

I promise I'm right on this one...

Actual conversation I had:

Woman (to me): Ok, so Mormons can't drink what now?

Me: Alcohol, coffee, and tea.

Man (to me): And pop, right? You can't drink pop. (aside--for any of you non-Minnesota folk, pop is our term for "soda," so he was asking me if Mormons couldn't drink soda)

Me: No, that's not true. We can drink pop.

Man (looking at me like I was very, terribly, sadly misinformed): Uhhhh, no, that's true. Mormons can't drink pop.

Me (sighing inwardly): Yes, we can. Some Mormons CHOOSE not to drink pop. It's not a religious doctrine or anything.

Man (dubiously): Are you sure??

Me (sighing inwardly again): Yes...I'm sure...I am Mormon, I would hope I know what I'm talking about.

...does this happen to non-Mormons ever? Like are people going around saying, "Oh you are Catholic? You guys aren't allowed to sleep on your left side. No, that is too true.  I heard that once from a guy I knew whose sister one time lived next door to some Catholics...are you SURE you can sleep on your left side? Where did you get your information from? Are you POSITIVE?? Well, I guess..."

Trust me, people, when I tell you that I can or can't do something. I mean, not to toot my own horn or whatever, but if I'm Mormon and you're not, I think it's a safe bet that I'm probably going to know more about it than you...

Yes, I drink Coke. No, I'm not going to hell for it.

And yes, I can also wear make-up, dance, celebrate my birthday, participate in major holidays, vote Democratic, and not support Mitt Romney.

Ok, I think that about covers it.

Winner, winner...

...chicken dinner!!

Just found out this week that I won my contested motion on three files.  Suh-weet.  It was one motion that was covering three files and I ended up winning in all three files and successfully had statements made during an interrogation of my client in those files suppressed.  Score!  Even though it was essentially just one hearing/one issue, I'm going to count it as three separate wins since it's three files' statements being suppressed.  That makes my contested omnibus record 4 out of 5.  Not too shabby.  Granted, it helps that my prosecutors are usually willing to discuss things I think may be omnibus issues and adjust their offers if needed, meaning we often don't need to actually contest many issues, but I'm also going to say it's because I'm kicking a$$ and taking names.  Because that makes me feel good about my lawyering skillz.

Can someone please deal with this so I don't have to?

This is my inbox. The stuff on top is all the new stuff that has come in over the last week.
Seriously??
There's so much crap to go through that I am overwhelmed just looking at it. 
So, that's why sometimes I'm behind on stuff for work...because that greets me every week and I've got to somehow find time to deal with it in between being in court all day.
Is it too late to become a trophy wife??

Well, nevermind...

So, after much debating on my part and weighing of the potential pros and cons, I finally settled on Option B, living in an apartment closer to work.  I thought this might be a needed change of scenery for me.  Unfortunately, YKW still works at the restaurant that is literally 2 minutes away from my apartment, meaning that EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY APARTMENT I have to see it and be reminded of him.  So, even if I'm not thinking about him at the moment, suddenly, WHAM, there's his work and oooooh, yeah... So, I thought that, even though I don't necessarily want to live that far away from my friends and family, changing scenery might be a smart move...

Things Fall Apart

I've been really trying to stay above the ocean of despair, depression, and bitterness that I'm currently swimming in. I am trying to stay afloat and not get overwhelmed. But things seem to continue to pile up and pile on. I'm running on empty and I'm feeling incredibly haggard.
I'm still hurting from being carelessly tossed aside by my husband and still trying to deal with the emotional trauma of that whole ordeal.  That alone should be more than enough for one person to deal with. But on top of that, work has been just running me into the ground since the first of the year. I had to total up what I did from Feb. 14 through about March 23 and I had 92 court hearings, including 5 contested omnibus hearings, and three briefs due within 18 days of each other. One due on Feb. 28, one on March 5, and the last due on March 16.  So work has taken on a whole new level of grueling. 
The combination of heartache and being run into the ground at work has bleed over into almost every other aspect of my life. I'm more tired than I normally am; I am frequently later in paying bills bc I've been forgetting to pay them bc my brain is in such a fog; my house is a disaster zone that I never have time or energy to clean except the very minimal, basic things.  I rarely have time to actually go grocery shopping, instead stopping at the Target on my way home from work to grab some milk, cereal, and Totino's party pizzas.
Then of course there is the problem of my finances being a hot mess, since I can't afford to cover all the bills I'm stuck with on my own. So that is another stressor to deal with. And it appears that my Option A living arrangement is now unlikely to pan out, since I have cats. So, that kind of just fell totally apart rather suddenly.
I'm trying as hard as I can to keep trudging along and not let myself get totally overcome by despair but I am not sure how much more strength I've got in me. I feel like I'm coming undone.
People have told me that I'm handling things well but the truth is that I'm really not handling things well. I'm just really good at putting up a convincing facade. I pretend like I'm fine, I pretend like I can laugh and have fun and be carefree and that at the end of the day, I'm content with my life. It's all one enormous lie. I'm not okay in any way. I'm just a skilled actor.
I'm miserable, I'm unhappy, I'm scared about what will happen, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I'm feeling defeated. I can barely drag myself out of bed on some days. I go home from work with just enough time to eat something, crawl into bed and do crossword puzzles to keep my mind off the pain I'm dealing with until I pass out.
Supposedly things will get better. That's what everyone keeps telling me. But I have yet to see any improvement. The only difference between now and when my life first exploded is that I'm better at lying about how I'm doing and I'm better at hiding how I'm really feeling.
But other than that, nothing has changed. Things just keep falling apart and as a result, I'm falling apart.

"We All Live in a Yellow Submarine"

I'm trying to decide where I should move once my lease is up at the end of July. My options are a) remain in the same city I am now or b) move to a town closer to work.
Option B is an apt that a friend of Golf's is renting out. He is specifically looking for a "young professional." Hey, that's me! And the apartment is GORGEOUS! And way cheap for what it has. If I took Option B, I would only move into that specific apartment.
Option A is to stay in my current city and stay in an as-of-yet-unknown apartment. There aren't a lot of spots in this area ti rent. Everyone buys. I can't afford that nor do I want to buy anything right now since that's very permanent and who knows what I'll be doing in a year or so. So my renting options are limited.
The pros and cons of the two options are the exact inverse of each other. Essentially, Option A keeps me closer to my family, my friends, and the metro area. Since I'm a city girl, that's a big plus. I also get to stay on my same church ward. The ward has been incredibly supportive of me during this whole ordeal so that's also important. However, Option A means renting some place that either sucks for amenities or is too expensive for me. Call me a snob, but I worked my butt off in school to get ahead and I do not want to go back to schlepping my laundry to the laundry room or laundromat. I did that when I was poor as a kid and when I was poor in college. If I don't get any other benefit from 7 years of post-secondary education, I WILL get an in-unit washer and dryer! I'm a lawyer, damnit. There has to be some benefit...
Option A also is about 30 minutes from my regular courthouse and 40 minutes away from my office.  Gas is almost $4/gallon now, so this is an expensive commute. Especially when you factor in driving from the office to the courthouse and back again.  Plus, my 2010 car that I bought in February 2010 with 79 miles on it is now already at 68,000 miles in only two years. So my car takes a beating with this drive. And, of course, the drive time means I have to get up earlier. Puke.
Option B is a fantastic apartment with an in-unit washer and dryer. No oven though... It really only has a kitchenette, not a full kitchen, which kind of sucks but I could work around that. It's only three blocks away from my courthouse, which is awesome. And it's like 20 minutes from the office. So I've save money and time. And my car would probably be happy. I could run home on lunch easily. But, I'd be about an hour away from my friends, family, and the metro. And I'd have to move to a new church ward.
This is a tough decision....

Fun Fact:

According to the Words with Friends dictionary, "jews" is not a word.  "Dildo" is a valid word, however. 

Because that makes sense. Clearly.

"But you didn't have to cut me off,
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing,
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.
No, you didn't have to stoop so low,
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number,
I guess that I don't need that though,
Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
-Gotye, Somebody That I Used to Know

Overheard in Court

As I waited for my case to be called this morning, I got to watch a contested Harassment Restraining Order case.
The best part of the hearing was when one person said, "I have been on my best behavior...except for the threats."

I am amazed at how much this separation still hurts after this many months.

Yay for sunshine!!

It has been in the 50s, 60s, and 70s lately in good old Minnesota. Warmth and sunshine!  In March! I can sit outside to eat dinner, open my windows and let fresh air in, and drive around with my music loud and windows rolled down. This never occurs in March in Minnesota. Mother Nature must be out of the office, otherwise she would have noticed this error and corrected it.
Until she is back, we Minnesotans are going to bbq, play outside, and enjoy the beautiful sun. Weeeeeeeeee!!

I believe the term for this is "indentured servitude"

I worked 12 hours today. This is the second time in 2 weeks I've put in a 12 hour day. Lately I'm generally doing 9 or 10 hour days, in a futile and failing attempt to stay on top of things.  My case load plus my court schedule since the start of the year have been untenable. No matter how much I try to keep up, I can't.  I spend almost my entire day in court Monday through Wednesday plus two Fridays each month. I'm allotted 6 office days a month-every Thursday and the second and forth Fridays of the month. 
In those 6 days, I somehow have to find the time to meet with clients at the office and at the jail (the jail is 25 minutes away from my office, in a separate city).  Sometimes, the jail gets over full and my clients end up in a different jail because of space issues. That jail is an hour and a half away from my office.  I also have to find time to return phone calls and emails, read new documents that come in, prepare for trials or contested hearings, fill out requests for the paralegal and investigator, do legal research, write morons and memos, and review countless hours of audio and video.
What do I most commonly end up spending my office time doing? Filing paperwork. Mountains of paper lands in my inbox every day. I average 5 new files each week. Paperwork that I need for some hearings doesn't get to me until the day before the hearing but I don't know that I have it because it's not a Thursday so I haven't gotten to my inbox.
In any other office, support staff would do my filing.  In our pitifully underfunded office, we don't have enough staff to do that. So, I spend countless hours just filing, making copies, mailing things, and doing other tasks that I should have assistance from support staff on.  Which means that I'm not able to do other things, things that only I can do because I'm the lawyer and can't delegate those things to someone else.  Thus, my lawyer-only things aren't able to be done because the other, secretarial stuff needs to be done by me.
The real bitch of it all is that I end up working without compensation.  As public defenders, we are allowed to "bank" overtime, rather than getting paid for it. The idea is that for every hour of overtime we work, we get 1.5 hours of "comp time", to cash in later on. So, if I want to take off early on a Friday, for example, I can clock 6 hours of regular work hours and take 2 hours out of my comp bank.  Since I already worked those two hours as october but didn't get paid for them, I get to use them in place of 2 hours of non-overtime work. Sounds like a good trade-off, right? I mean after taxes come out, actual overtime pay isn't ever really enough to justify actually working overtime.  Plus, when it's a nice summer day, I'd much rather leave work early and enjoy the sun.
The problem is that we are only allowed to store 40 hours in our comp bank.  After 40, we can't store anymore.  Which means that if you have 40 comp hours already and you end up working overtime, you don't get any kind of compensation for your overtime hours.
And, before you ask, no, we are not salaried.  We are hourly.
When I filled out my most recent time card, I had 36.5 hours of banked comp time. I had 8 hours of overtime. I got no compensation of any kind for 4.5 of those hours. Unless I take some time off soon and use some of my banked hours, I will continue to not receive compensation for any overtime I work. Given that I'm scheduled into April right now for court, it's unlikely that I'll be taking any time off soon and also unlikely that things will slow down enough that I won't need to keep working 9+ hour days just to try (but not succeed) in keeping up with things.
Maybe I should start wearing a button on the days I'm at the office and in court and I'm on unpaid overtime that says, "Be nice to me. I'm working for free  today."
Ugh.