Happy New Year

Here's hoping that 2012 is better than 2011...

Worst Christmas Ever

I got loneliness for Christmas. Phenoms.

What's the point of life if it only consists of surviving? What's the point of trying when nothing comes of it? 
It's time to go back to the girl I was before I met him. Closed-off, cynical, pessimistic, bitter, tough, slow to reveal my real self to people, and never, never, never letting anyone get too close. I let him get too close and I got burned.  Never again.

There will never be a next time

People tell me things like, "You'll get through this" and "Things will get better" and "You are a strong person and you can handle this."  But none of those things are helpful or true.  I don't believe that things get better. Things get different, but not better.  Life has always been trading one crap situation for another and this is no exception.

Seriously, those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing over a montage of photos of diseased animals are the worst advertising campaign ever. I can't even watch them. I just change the channel well before any information about how to donate comes on the screen.  Try again, ASPCA. With less diseased animals next time. Thanks.

Frightening reality

There was a shooting at a northern Minnesota courthouse yesterday afternoon.  The alleged gunman is a defendant who had just been convicted at trial and shot the county attorney three times, as well as shooting three other people.  The defendant's attorney ran to help the county attorney, who had been shot in the leg and in the stomach and was bleeding heavily.

This saddens me. I am in a courthouse nearly every day of the work week. My courthouse has bailiffs and technically has a moveable metal detector that occasionally will be plugged in and pushed into place so people (myself included) have to actually go through it, but 99.9% of the time, the detector is shoved aside, unplugged, and out of the way.  The reality is that something like this could happen easily in the courthouse I'm in almost every day, because people generally know each other, the court people know each other, it's just another day at work for most of us and we generally don't expect to be shot while at work.

I think about that defense attorney having to use a belt to cinch the county attorney's leg wound and the county attorney asking the defense attorney to make sure his wife knew he loved her and I get chills.  It's way, way, way too easy to imagine myself in a similar situation, tending to one of the prosecutors I work with all the time as they tell me to make sure their spouse knows they love them. It's really frightening and creepy.

Prayers go out to everyone impacted by this terrible event.

Dropped my phone in the toilet. Fml.

I'm not real

Supposedly time heals all wounds, but I don't think that's true.  I think time lets you know how to hide the pain or how to work around the pain, but doesn't actually heal the pain.  If I suddenly had a stabbing, throbbing, shooting, agonizing pain in my legs when I walked, I'd learn how to adjust and walk so as to lessen the pain on a daily basis.  But, the pain would still be there and it wouldn't take much--just a thoughtless misstep--to bring it back full force.  I think in some cases, the pain never stops being there.  We just learn how to maneuver around it so it doesn't hurt so bad every day.


I feel like that's what I've been doing lately--maneuvering around the pain.  I am very good at pretending I'm fine.  I'm so good in fact that people tell me quite often that they are amazed at how well I'm handling everything.  I go to work and I joke around and I laugh and I go out to lunch and I make my courtroom arguments and I smile and I do things as if nothing is wrong.  I go out with my friends and have a good time and laugh and get dressed up and enjoy my time.  But, underneath it all is the reality--I feel like I'm dying inside.

At least someone missed me

I'm being smothered by my cats since getting home this evening. They keep following me around the house and meowing and crawling on me the second I sit down and/or lay down. I take it they missed me a little...

Well it's nice to feel loved, even if it includes way more smothering than I'd go for.

This is true

M Thru F: Well When You Put It That Way, Life Seems So Much Simpler

Whoa, smart phones!

So, apparently my smart phone has an app that lets me blog from my phone! (If any of you tech-savvy readers already knew that, shhhh...I'm slow on these type of things...).

And I can even post photos! So, here's a photo of my adorable but very strange cat.

Down to .666 average and other news

Well, I lost my most recent felony trial.  That sucked a lot, especially because I thought we had a really good case.  I was pretty disappointed when we lost and was in a foul mood for the rest of the day and into the next one, as well.  The only good part about the whole thing is that I know for certain that my client felt like he had good representation during his case.  I know this because he told me.  After my closing argument, I sat back down and he leaned over and said, "Guilty or not guilty, you did a great job.  I just wanted you to know that."  And then after we got the verdict, he said, "It sucks, but you did the best you could do and that's all I can ask for.  I have no complaints--you're the best lawyer I've ever had and I've had lots of public pretenders in the past."  So, while losing the trial really, really sucked and I was really disappointed, I took some solace in the knowledge that my client knew I'd put my all into it and that there was really nothing more I could do--no second guessing that if I'd only done this or that, then maybe the jury would have acquitted.  

People with torsos longer than their legs freak me out.

Tomorrow is the first major holiday without You Know Who. To stave off the tears, I'm heading to Chicago to hang with RV and RN. BFFEs to the rescue!

I've decided I don't really like living alone...

Felony trial number three starts today. Let's see if I remain undefeated.

Why I love my job

On Wednesday, I was lurking around the courthouse waiting in between hearings, just sort of milling around in the common area.  There was a man there waiting around, too, and he came up to me and said, "Hey, you're a lawyer, right?"  I told him that I was and he said, "I can't remember your name, but I think I've heard of you."  So, I told him my name and he said, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard about you. I've heard you do a lot of good work for people.  They really like having you.  You're a really good lawyer." 

I was really surprised because I'd never met this guy or seen this guy before, but it sure was awesome to hear that.  Definitely made my day.  Actually, I think it even made my week. 

Grocery shopping for one person is one of the most depressing times of my life.

Tonight I stopped praying for him to come back to me. Instead, I asked God to help me stop loving him.

Just breathe

We're starting couples' counseling on Thursday.  I convinced Hat to go by asking him to at least go with me so that someone, some third party, could help me understand his reasons for leaving.  Shockingly, just hearing that he's "done" and doesn't want to try to fix things because he "doesn't want to" or because he "doesn't have the energy" isn't exactly enough of an answer for me.  So, he agreed to go to counseling but ONLY for the purpose of having a therapist help me understand why he's leaving.  He's also agreed to get a screening for depression, since pretty much everyone who knows him has asked if that is the problem.  


I'm not sure what to expect at this counseling session.  It's only our first one, so I suppose not a whole lot will get accomplished.  But, I'm still nervous about it.  I'm always nervous about stuff like that. 


In the meantime, I'm trying to maintain my happy demeanor in front of Hat as much as possible.  So far, I've been pretty successful.  And actually, he's warmed up to me a lot lately, which I think is a good sign.  On Tuesday night, we went out after he got off work and ate a late dinner.  Some time during that night, he put his wedding ring back on.  We didn't discuss it or anything, he just had it back on once we got home (we drove separate since he was coming straight from work).  I asked him about it a couple of days later and he said he put it back on because I had asked him to (back on September 23...which he didn't do until just this last Tuesday, so I don't know if I believe that's the only reason he put it back on).  And on Saturday, we went out to dinner and a comedy show and had a very nice time.  It wasn't super romantic or anything, but it was fun and at the end of the night, he was much more like his old self--at one point in time he even called me by his nickname for me (possibly out of habit without even realizing it) and before I went to bed, he asked me for a hug twice.  So, as hard as it is to pretend to be fine and happy and like nothing is bothering me, I think it's actually making things better at home since I'm not constantly sobbing. 


I am cautiously, slightly hopeful that we may still work things out.  We are still married until we're not and if we stick to the original plan to wait to file for the divorce until the end of our lease, we've got a long, long time (like until July 31, 2012) before we're officially done.  He decided in less than a month he wanted a divorce, so it's not a crazy to think that a lot can happen in 10 months.  Especially if part of the problem is undiagnosed depression on his part. Considering he has a substantial family history of it (meaning every male on his mom's side and his mom), it's a possibility.  So, I'm trying to work on getting myself prepared for the worst (divorce) but hoping for the best (reconciliation and continuation of our marriage). Who knows what will ultimately happen, but I can't at this point in time just throw my hands up in the air and say, "Oh well!"  We've got almost a year still before we'd be divorced--who knows what can happen in that time?  So, I am going to try to continue to keep my crying in check for the time being and see what comes of the counseling/depression screening.  


I refuse to give up that easily.  I'm not ready to concede defeat just yet.