I love this

It's from a movie but I really liked it.
"Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end."

Yep. There it is. That's why.

I had a sentencing hrg at the beginning of May for a client who I had lost at trial with. We were asking for a departure and my staff and I had put in a lot of work into it. We ultimately didn't win (although the judge did tell me after the hrg that it was a really nice presentation, which was really awesome) and my client was sent to prison.

Don't Expect to Come to my Book Signing or Anything

I've decided that I think I'm funny enough to write a book of comedic memoirs, a la David Sedaris and others. Why not, right? You guys read this and this is just my brain vomiting things out, often without even proofreading it. And I usually stick with present-day events, meaning no one ever gets to hear all the amazing stories that occurred in my life before I started blogging in 2004 and/or before I took down the archives from my blog over a year ago (sorry, newcomers...).

Made it out alive!

I made it through Sad Week last week. I was very relieved to have RV there to help keep my mind off things. I don't think I would have gotten through it without her being there. Between her and her super  adorable 3 1/2 year old girl, I had plenty of company to get me through most of the week. She ended up having to go back home on Wednesday, instead of staying the whole week (like originally planned) so it was a bit more difficult to get through the rest of the week (which probably explains my lack of motivation to get things done on Thursday, since RV wasn't there to keep me distracted anymore and then I got super depressed and couldn't get my crap together till Saturday. But, I was actually productive on Saturday so I managed to shake it off).
So, I managed to make it through with only minimal tears and I actually had a lot of fun with RV. I miss her a lot and it's always awesome to see her and her family. I'm really blessed to have such amazing friends and family to help me through this stuff. I'd be a total mess without them.
Now that I've survived Sad Week, I'm looking forward to not have any milestones to dread. No birthday without YKW, no anniversary... Just summertime. It's nice not to have this looming date that I know will be really difficult waiting for me in the future. 
The weather is gorgeous, my plants are growing, I've figured out my housing stuff...here's hoping that things are finally starting to look less bleak for me.
And even if they don't, I've still always got the cats...

Here's What I Don't Get...

Nude pantyhose.
Why? Why even bother? It's not like nylons are the epitome of comfort. If it just looks like your leg, then why  wear them? I mean, at least the tan ones make it look like you aren't all pastey, but, nude? Really? Why are those even a thing?
Seriously. I've never understood this.
And do not even get me started on nylons with open-toed shoes... That should be a felony punishable by having Clint and Stacy from What Not to Wear judge you on your poor fashion choices.

This is why I am not really great at being a grown-up

Yesterday, here were my thoughts:
"Tomorrow, I will get up before 9:00, do all the errands I haven't had time to do lately, make sure to get my oil changed finally, and have everything wrapped up by like 5:00 p.m. Then I will make a great, healthy dinner and go for a walk after dinner."
Today, I woke up at 9:35. I ate breakfast. I haven't changed out of my pajamas. I haven't gotten my oil changed. I did nothing that I told myself that I would do.
The day wasn't a total loss, though. I DID manage to watch like 7 episodes of shows that I have had on my DVR for months.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

For realz...

That's What Friends Are For

My third anniversary is this Tuesday. I can't tell if it makes it better or worse that we are still technically married...
To make it through Sad Week, I took time off work so I wouldn't end up crying in court (that would be awkward) and my BFFE RV is coming into town today. She is staying till Thursday. She and her hilarious three year old are going to distract me.
On Tuesday, I got us super awesome seats at the Twins game. I figure this is a perfect cover for the saddest day of Sad Week, because if I'm crying at the game, everyone will assume I'm crying because the Twins are doing so horribly this year it's not even funny!  No one will ever guess I'm crying for some other reason.
And I get to teach the little ankle-biter all sorts of awesome things. When I visited over Thanksgiving, I taught her to brush her shoulder while saying, "Brush ya shoulder off" a la Jay-Z and to make a diamond with her fingers over her head and shout, "HOV!!" like Jay-Z.  Then, less than a week later, guess who happened to go into the restaurant where RV works and sat at one of her tables? I shit you not: Jay-Z and Beyonce (RV snapped a photo of the credit card reciept {minus the actual credit card numbers} to show me the signature line that read "Knowles/Beyonce" under it because I told her she was a liar and there was no way they were actually there). I am like some magic summoner of celebrities, apparently. I teach this child famous catch phrases of celebrities and then, WHAM, they appear within days.
So now the question is, who do I want to meet and what is that person known for saying that I can easily teach a three year old to mimic...? Hmmm... As Ursula the Sea Witch once said, "Life's full of tough choices in it."
Yeah, once I start quoting "The Little Mermaid," it's time to end the post.
Later, gators.

So far, pottery class is nothing like that scene in "Ghost" but it's still fun.

I've been taking a pottery class for like 12 weeks now, since the end of February.  That has translated into me having a ridiculous number of pots.  So, I've just given them away to people so that way my house isn't cluttered with a billion clay items.  And they seem to make people really happy to have them, even when I think they look like crap or are all wonky.  People seem really excited to have things that are handmade, even if they aren't all that awesome. 

Here is some of the stuff I've made: 

Isn't there a Mulligan for your life?

I have never wanted so badly to get into my car and just drive away.  I worked super hard when I was younger so that life would be easier and happier when I got older but that didn't exactly work out.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things.  Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in.  The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else.  I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything.  I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant.  I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing.  It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.

Lamest Weekend Ever

So, because I have like 20 minutes of actual in-my-office time during the week, I got to spend my entire weekend working on things that I didn't have time to during the work weeks. That translated into me being at the office until 10:30 p.m. on Friday, 10:00 p.m. on Saturday, and then 9:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Yay!
And the sad part is that despite working all weekend long, I only tackled two cases. I wrote a brief on a suppression motion for one case and a sentencing memo on another. And visited one client who is jail.
I should win on both of those, based solely on the fact that I worked so damn hard on them. Courts should at least give out gold stars or "E for effort" or something.  Busting my butt and then losing sucks (although as a PD, if not unfamiliar).  A sweet gold star sticker to wear on my lapel would totally help.  I'd absolutely give out gold stars if I were a judge! Along with requiring the men ti wear monocles.
Man, why am I not a judge? My courtroom would be so much fun. Gold stars, monocles, theme music, nap time...like a 1900s daycare.

Ugh

I am starting to understand why people burn out in public defense. Things have been substantially more difficult since the start of the year for a number of reasons. Having back to back trials right after getting back from vacation meant I started January off being crazy far behind. I don't think I've been able to entirely catch up. I've had to do misdemeanor cases along with felony cases and the volume of misdemeanor cases is always high no matter where you work. I got assigned a high maintenance, although not annoying or frustrating, client who has multiple felony cases that are fairly complicated. And it seems that, in general, my front cases in the last few months have been more complicated than normal, with much more work and investigation needed than normal. Plus, I've had an extreme uptick in contested omnibus issues (non-lawyers, this means I've had an uptick in cases that have potentially problematic evidence issues that we are trying to get thrown out for some legal reason).  Those hearings are often like mini-trials, with witnesses giving testimony, and they are longer than uncontested hearings. Plus, I've obviously been dealing with the emotional fallout of YKW's departure, which means that somedays, just getting out of bed and forcing myself not to cry all day is a monumental task.
So all these things have combined to make work over the last few months pretty overwhelming. Maybe it's just that I'm overly sensitive right now but it certainly feels more intense than it ever has been. I'm having to request continuances because I haven't had time to prepare, which I really haven't had to do very often for the last year or so. I hate doing that. Hate, hate, hate it. It makes the court cranky, makes the prosecutors cranky, and makes me look like crap to my client.  What kind of professional shows up and says, "Sorry, we need to reschedule because I am not ready."  Can you imagine if you showed up for surgery and your surgeon said that?! So I hate asking for continuance because I'm not prepared.  But if I'm not able to get to things, there isn't any other option. But it's stressful.
I am feeling very worn out and like it doesn't matter how much I try, I can't catch up so it's pointless to even try. I'm still trying to stay on top of everything but I definitely feel like I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
I need a clone of myself.
Ugh.

Cue the violins

I finally got around to seeing "The Hunger Games" this week.  Am I the only one who noticed that Gale looks almost exactly like Joe Mauer?

Uh...weird... I think I'm looking at the same person...and the more I look at them, the more I'm convinced I'm looking at the same person.  Weird!

At any rate, that's not the only I'm thinking about lately.  Although it's still creeping me out...

It's my birthday today

YKW didn't bother to even acknowledge it. I didn't even get a text or email saying happy birthday from him.
Ouch.

My Phone Hates Me

Text from my friend: Are you coming to church today? Should I save you a seat?
Me: Yes! On my way now!
Me: Where are you shitting?
Me: SITTING! OMG, SITTING!!
Friend: Hahahahaha!
Friend: In the back.
Me: I'm going hell for texting that to you while you're in church.
Me: Left or right dude?
Me: SIDE. Left or right SIDE. Dang it...
Friend: I'm laughing so hard I'm shaking right now. We are on the left dude.

"...where everybody knows your name..."

I had another client today tell me that he had heard about me before becoming my client.  This one was a bit of a surprise because he isn't from the area where I work and where my clients are from, but he had still somehow heard about me. He even told me that he was from "far away" and that he had still heard about me.  And, like most of the clients who tell me things like this, he wanted to know when I was going to open my own firm.  This question always makes me chuckle a little, as if being a competent attorney and being a public defender are mutually exclusive.  The clients also seem to miss the obvious point that if I ever did open a firm, I wouldn't be a public defender anymore, which means they would not be able to have me as their attorney. 

I was bet surprised that this client had heard of me.  I have become aware of the fact that the clients in my area are often familiar with me/my name because it's a small area and the same groups of people are often in the system. And if they are in jail, they all talk, of course. So I did know that I've somehow gotten a reputation among the people in my area.  But it was very surprising to hear that people who aren't in my area have heard of me. That thought had never even occurred to me.

I don't agree that I'm somehow better than other public defenders, although some clients have told me otherwise. I think this is more of an illusion than anything else. I think two factors about me that I can't change cause people to think I'm better than I actually am. One, I'm the youngest PD we have. And I have been told that I look younger than I really am. Two, I'm a chick. I don't think people expect much from their deceptively-young-looking female attorney, so if I do anything competently, they perceive that to be outstanding. I still get asked how long I've been a lawyer and when I graduated school, so I think people must initially think the brand-new, completely inexperienced PD got assigned to their case. The bar is set so low for me, anything I do is above and beyond what was expected.

I don't do remarkable work on cases. I'm not on the front lines of novel legal arguments; I'm not feared by the opposition; I don't raise new or unexplored issues of law; I don't have some headliner case under my belt... I show up, probably a little haggard, talk to my client for a bit, and in 99.99% of cases, I get a deal for the client and help my client plead guilty to something. In almost 2 years of felony work, I've only had 5 trials and 5 contested hearings (although I have filed more than 5 motions, but I usually am able to get a deal that negates the need for the hearing). I really don't do anything magical or amazing or incredibly legally skilled. The reputation has to come from low expectations of public defenders in general combined with my age and gender. There is nothing I do that sets me apart from other attorneys or other public defenders. I'm just run of the mill.  I honestly don't know where clients  get the idea I'm some legal powerhouse. I mean, I'm glad my clients are happy, but I don't think they would be any less happy with a different public defender.

I suppose eventually the hype will wear off when I no longer look like the baby in the courthouse and people realize I'm just an average attorney.  In the meantime, it's very strange to have become widely known among those accused of crimes.  Strange demographic to become well-known in...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

My birthday is next Monday. Normally, I love my birthday. It's a day where I get to be extra special for the day. I have always enjoyed my birthday.
But this year, I'm having trouble mustering much enthusiasm for it.  I can't help but remember last year, when Hat surprised me with a sewing box filled with new sewing items.  It was an incredibly thoughtful gift (he has always been a really good gift giver) and really touched me.  He has even picked out thread for me in a variety of colors.
This year, I'm doubtful I'll even get a cursory text or email from him saying "happy birthday." Instead of a fun filled Saturday, I get a work filled Monday. I have zero plans for my birthday.
And I'm going to be 29. I realize that this is not very old. But it's the oldest I've ever been and it feels old bc it's my last year of my twenties.
Ugh.

Trial #3 tomorrow

Trial number 3 for 2012 starts tomorrow.  It's a misdemeanor DWI case.  I think it will be relatively quick, which is the benefit of misdemeanor trials.  They tend to be much shorter in duration than felony trials.  And there are only 6 people on the jury, which means jury selection is faster, too.  


I think I'm on track to outpace the number of trials I had in all of last year.  It's only April and I'm already at #3 for the year.  I had three total in all of last year.  So, if in the next 8 months I have another trial (which I definitely will, since I've got a number of cases that are on track for trial), then I beat all of last year's trial record.  Whew...


I've also definitely outpaced the contested omnibus hearings from last year.  Last year I had three of them.  This year, I've already had six, with two more still scheduled for this month. 


I'm a contesting-things machine lately.  

Building Client Relationships 101

I flipped off one of my clients today. To his face.

That's a great lead-in, isn't it?! It's not really as shocking as it sounds, though.

I've had this client for nine months and will have him for at least another month. I've had two trials with him. Trials always involve spending a significant amount of time with the client to prep, so doing two trials means I've spent quite a lot of time with him.  He has always been friendly and polite and respectful.  I actually like this client and he has been one of the best clients I've worked with. He also has a dry sense of humor and likes to say things just to see what my reaction will be and/or poke fun at me.  I have a similar sense of humor, although I don't generally crack jokes with my clients. 

I met with him today for a few hours to work on stuff.  After he teased me about something, I flipped him off in response.  He thought that was pretty funny.  I guess most lawyers don't flip off their clients. 

Some people might call flipping off a client inappropriate.  I like to call it "rapport building."

Welcome to the Dark Side

We have a new contract attorney in the office.  She's delightful.  The best part is that she used to be a prosecutor...like until about three days before starting with us.
Best quote from her so far? After.talking to her about my client, she said,,"He has so many good things going for him. Jail won't help him...I can't believe that just came out of my mouth..."
Ha! Awesome.