Saturday, July 11, 2015

Hello, Mr. Heartache, I've been expecting you

Well, this week Guy told me he didn't want to see me anymore & chalked it up to there being too many differences between us. I didn't get it bc there have always been differences btwn us & it's never been a major issue before. I asked him to reconsider, especially bc I didn't know these things were significant enough to cause him to want to break up & so we hadn't even had a chance to work on things. He sat on my couch & said the same thing YKW said to me 4 yrs ago: I don't want to work on things.

I felt like I was reliving the horror of my past all over again. Not knowing anything was amiss because the other person seemed fine & then out of the blue, being told there's something wrong & he isn't willing to give us a chance to fix things. It was happening all over again.

I told him how much I loved him, how I didn't think these were insurmountable things that couldn't be fixed. I asked him to give us a chance to make things better. He said he needed time to think about it. He asked me to give him a week to think about things & to talk to his therapist. He asked me not to contact him during this week. He did say that he still loves me so that was something different from YKW. But it was devastating.

On Thursday, I found a number on our phone bill that kept showing up for the last month & I knew. I knew what that meant. I'd seen it before. I texted the number & said I was his girlfriend. She had no idea he had a girlfriend. I talked to her on the phone. She told me they'd been on about 5 dates together. And they'd slept together.

I thought the pain I went through after the divorce was the worst pain I could ever know but it turns out I was wrong. This is worse. Because Guy knows how the divorce & being cheated on ruined me for so long. He KNEW that I went into such a dark depression I didn't think I was going to survive it. He KNEW that I had barely made it through & had barely kept my sanity through all that. And he decided to not only hurt me, but to rip back open that old, freshly-healed wound & then grind salt into it.

Breaking up with me would have hurt, of course. I know that there was a risk of things not working out like there always is in any relationship. But to be so cruel as to exploit the wound he knew was still tender...cheating is hurtful no matter what, but to do it to someone who has shared with you the darkness they lived in as a result of being cheated on, to knowingly tear open that sore...that's a new level of callousness.

Of course I called him & texted him. He ignored me mostly. I said I knew now he never loved me, that he just used me & the fact that he knew I'd always had strong feelings for him, & I asked him why. He said we can meet still on Monday & discuss things. And I can give him back his things from my apt.

I'm dying of hurt. All I want to do is sleep to escape. I'm in so much misery. Everything he said & did was a lie. How naive & stupid I was.

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