Thursday, August 13, 2015

I'll keep on

I've been struggling hard to not let my depression take hold of me again. At least, not like it was in 2011-2012. But it is a struggle every day not to let the sadness consume me. It's a battle every day. Some days I win. Some days I lose. I keep trying every day bc what other choice do I have than to keep trying? But I'm tired. Trying all the time is exhausting. So far I've been able to keep going forward & trudging along. But I won't pretend I'm not tired. I'm so emotionally drained from one heartbreak after one tragedy after one hopeless situation after the next. And I'm finding it hard to accept anymore the notion that things will work out or whatever other platitudes people want to say. I'm 32 & life has consistently been struggle after struggle. I have periods of time where things are good but it never lasts. I've learned through experience that nothing lasts forever, no matter how much it seems like it will, & that includes happiness. At least for me.

I'm tired of being disposable to other people. I'm tired of being discarded when having me around isn't convenient anymore. I'm tired of loving people wholeheartedly only to find out they don't love me. I'm tired of being nothing to people who are everything to me. It's been that way since I was a little girl. I'm worn out now. I'm tired of my life being marked by loss.

I'm rational enough to know that the immediate sadness won't last forever. That will eventually fade. But like everything else, it will leave a scar on my heart & soul. I used to think that I'd meet someone who would help those scars to finally fade away forever, but I don't think that anymore. My greatest fear in life has always been that it's not possible for someone to be in love with me. I think that there is a very good chance that that is true.

I have friends, wonderful, amazing, caring, fantastic friends who I am so grateful for. They are what has helped me through the many hard times in life. But it seems that I can't be anyone's first priority in life. No one wants to share their life with me. On that front, it seems I'm destined to be an island forever.

Loss is an amputation. Eventually you learn to adapt w/o the thing you've lost, you learn you function again, but you're never the same. I've had many losses in life, many emotional amputations. I don't think there's anything left to remove anymore. I'm too tired & I have no heart left to give to anyone. Everyone I've lost has taken a piece of it with them & left me without.

The situational sadness I feel will eventually go away & that will be good. But I still won't have any heart left to give anyone. Everyone has taken a piece of it & gone, so I have nothing left for anyone else. I'll make it through the depression I'm having right now, but I'll still be tired. And I will still know that any period of happiness I have will not last & the good things I have in life will inevitably be gone.

It's the hope that kills. Hope is an evil thing bc unfulfilled hope is what hurts the most. I've learned not to hope.

In the end, I'll be ok. I always am. I'll be worse for the wear, more guarded, more cold, less likely to let people in, but I'll survive. Surviving is what I do. I'll put back on my "everything is fine!" face that I present to the world & keep on keeping on. Bc that's the only thing I know how to do. Even when I feel so desolate inside I can barely breathe, I just keep on keeping on.

After all, this boulder isn't going to push itself up that hill.

1 comment:

  1. I hate you feel this way. Definitely felt the same way before so I know how you feel & usually words don't help for me so I'll spare you :) Things will get better & someone will be the right person for you. I had to fight my own doubts to believe that myself but it will happen. In the end everything will turn out alright.