Monday, September 02, 2013

Why I always sound like a sourpuss

It occurs to me that I have been quite complainy lately in my posts. I suppose there are a couple of reasons for that. The first is that this has always been my outlet of sorts, the place where I go dump everything that I am thinking/feeling to get it out of my system. That way, it isn't still kicking around in my head. I tend to be someone who mulls things over & can't stop thinking about things (I'll bet that's not at all a news flash), so just getting my thoughts out of my head helps me to stop that cycle of dwelling on things.

Related to that same concept is that this has also always been my place to dump my feelings. I loathe talking about my feelings unless I feel very, very comfortable w/ someone (and I can count on one hand the people who fall into that category) so I often keep them to myself. But I have them, lots of them, and many times the ones I am most uncomfortable talking about w/ people are the unhappy ones. I don't talk to people in real life very often, if at all, about the times I'm feeling insecure or lonely or sad or afraid or unattractive or doubting myself. I don't feel comfortable letting my guard down & actually talking about those things, in part because the last person I did share those things with was YKW & that was obviously a bad choice. So, instead, I put those things here, in a place where only a handful of people who read this actually know who I am. It feels safer to dump my "negative" feelings into my (semi) anonymous blog bc I don't have to know who is on the other end of the internet.

Another reason is that I am a rather pessimistic, cynical person in general. My life has always been pretty difficult, not just in recent years, and I have learned over time to not expect good things to happen. Of course, when they do, I am glad, but I never expect life to be easy or content or happy. I anticipate things will be hard & likely miserable & I am pleasantly surprised & very grateful when that isn't the case. Since I have a tendency to be pessimistic & cynical, it's easier for me to notice things that I dislike or that make me unhappy.

Finally, the last reason I usually talk about unhappy things or cranky things is bc I can make jokes out of those things easier than I can happier things. I use my sarcasm & sense of humor as a defense mechanism & spin the things that upset me in a more humorous light to make it easier for me to deal with and (hopefully) more entertaining to others. It's hard to make jokes or be sarcastic/self-deprecating about genuinely good things that occur in my life.
But all that being said, I do have many things in my life to be happy about & grateful for, despite my general tendency to bitch & moan. I have a job, which is not something everyone has, and even though it hasn't been really satisfying lately, I do have great coworkers & it's still better than any of my previous jobs. I am respected & valued @ work, which is also something not everyone has & which I never had before this job.

I also have been able to meet & become friends with a handful of new people this summer that I almost certainly would not have had things not happened the way they did w/ YKW. CB & I have become really good friends & pseudo-roommates, which obviously wouldn't have happened if I was still married. I have met a couple other friends, as well, that I likely wouldn't have otherwise, and I am really glad to have gotten to know them. CB & I have a weekly Hangout Club w/ one of my new friends which is a really good time. And I have gotten to meet people through my kickball team who are really fun. I have also gotten very close w/ another one of my coworkers, too. Many of these relationships wouldn't be as strong or even exist were it not for the divorce & my subsequently having more time for myself & what I want to do.

I have a lot to be happy about & on a day to day basis, I usually am pretty happy. Of course, I have bad days but everyone does. But I am not nearly as cranky as I sound on here, because this is my outlet to ensure I don't spend all day, every day angry or cranky. I have a lot of great things in my life & when I think about where I was a year ago, I'm still astonished that I was able to survive a depression that deep & dark & seemingly endless. Simply the fact that I don't wake up every morning wishing I had died in my sleep so I wouldn't have to be in so much emotional pain is a miracle in & of itself. That I am actually happy & in a good mood most days is something I wasn't sure would ever happen again.

So, yes, this blog is not always the most upbeat or cheery. But that's because it's the place where I store the things that upset me, so I can talk them out & get them out of my head and that way, I can actually be happy in real life.

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