Sunday, September 08, 2013

Change is the only constant

I found out on Friday that CB got a PD position in the cities & she will be starting there on October 9th. This also means she will be moving out of the apt across the hallway from me. Right now, it's just the 2 of us in the building (there are only 2 apts) so it's been pretty cool bc we have the whole building to ourselves. But she isn't going to be there much longer & I have no idea who will be moving in across the way. I'm pretty disappointed about the whole thing bc I was really on the fence about moving to this location & knowing that I would have someone I know there w/ me tipped the scales. But now I will be by myself in a town I don't know w/o people I know close by. So that sucks. I am happy for CB but very sad, too.

A friend asked me what I want to do in life & I realized that that is a very good question. YKW & I had a lot of plans for the future but obviously those went out the window. And I spent so much of the last year & a half just trying not to let the overwhelming depression completely defeat me that I couldn't think about the future: just getting through each day was enough of a struggle. But now that that has thankfully passed, I can think about what I want to do w/ the future. The problem is that I am not entirely sure what it is I want.

A part of me feels like it's too late for me to do much of anything. Intellectually I know how silly that is & I know that 30 isn't really all that old, but I still feel that way at times. Maybe it's bc I have had to deal w/ quite a lot of shit for being only 30 (and not just the divorce. I had a difficult time when I was younger too but I don't really talk about it on here). Maybe it's bc there are times when I feel like I am damaged goods, already married & divorced by 30, and who would want someone else's discards? Someone already tried to be married to me & jumped ship, so why would anyone else want to be w/ me now? Of course, I realize that there wasn't anything I did to deserve what happened & that it doesn't mean anything about me, just that he was a douche-canoe. But there are still times where I cannot imagine who would want to be w/ a divorced chick. I try to remind myself that that is ridiculously silly of me to think but it creeps in still every once in awhile.

So I battle w/ those feelings when I am trying to figure out what I want to do in the future. In a way, being single is good bc it means I am totally free to do whatever I want. In October I will be able to waive into the bars in a bunch of other states, so I could go be a public defender in a different state. Kind of like rebooting the franchise of my life & starting over completely. But I do love Minnesota. I love my friends & almost all of my family is here, so it would be hard to leave everyone. Plus I absolutely love Minneapolis & St. Paul; they just feel like my home. So I could just try to get a PD position in the cities or surrounding areas. I would likely be very happy with that situation.

I don't want to be anything other than a public defender, at least not @ this point in my life. As any public defender will tell you, this job is a calling, one that you can't ignore when you feel it. For some it's a lifelong calling, for others, it's a calling for a finite time period, but it's always a calling. And I still have that calling, so I can't see myself being happy in a different position. It's just the question of where I will be doing the work. So I have my career figured out @ this point. It's just the other things I need to sort out.

For now, I have to sit tight. I can't go to any other states for 2 months & there aren't any positions in the cities right now. But maybe that time will give me a chance to think more about what I want to do & where I want my life to be in 10 years.

Whatever happens, whatever I decide, I know I want to make a conscious decision about the course my life takes. I don't want life to just happen to me & then I look back & realize I have been stuck, just floating along w/ whatever the wind brings. I want to be able to say that I had goals & plans & I achieved those.

And I want to be happy.

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