Thursday, December 22, 2011

There will never be a next time

People tell me things like, "You'll get through this" and "Things will get better" and "You are a strong person and you can handle this."  But none of those things are helpful or true.  I don't believe that things get better. Things get different, but not better.  Life has always been trading one crap situation for another and this is no exception.

I also don't buy that being strong means I'll handle this. Being strong only gets you so far. Eventually everyone breaks if you put enough stress on them.  And I've reached my breaking point.  I have reached the point where I just don't care about anything anymore because caring hurts and caring only gets me nowhere. 
I'll adapt, I'm sure. I always do.  Life has pretty much always been a sh*tfest for me and I've always had to learn to adapt.  Not heal, not recover, not improve, not get better--adapt.  Like if you amputated my arm, I'd learn to adapt but I'm not going to be the same ever again.  That's what I've done my whole life.  So I'm sure I'll do it again.  But I won't improve.  I won't heal.  I won't get better.  I won't be the same. 
When I adapt, I learn to avoid similar, painful or hard situations.  I learned, from my father's inconsistency in my life, that people who are supposed to love you and care for you don't do that unless it's convenient for them.  I learned from my step-dad walking out on the family twice that people who are supposed to love you will leave.  So I adapted and became closed off, shy, slow to warm up to people, reluctant to get close to people, distrusting of others, and expecting to be hurt in relationships when the other person decided loving me wasn't convenient and so they leave.  When I met YKW, I took a long time to open up.  My heart and emotions have always been heavily guarded and that took a very long time to bust through those.  And I only let it happen when I was sure that he was so completely opposite of other people who had hurt me that there was no way he'd do the same thing to me.
But, yet again, I am now in a situation where the person has decided that loving me is inconvenient and has left.  So I have to adapt.  And what I have learned is that no matter what the person is like or how different they seem from other people who have hurt me, they will still hurt me.  No one is safe, no one will stay, and they will always leave. So, I will adapt and that means boarding back up the walls to my heart and emotions and never opening it again this time.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  So, I have to keep my distance, keep my heart in a dark and secret place where no one can ever access it again, and stand on my own forever.  No one can be trusted, no love bond is secure, and no one will stand by me.
So I'll adapt. But things won't get better.  Nothing ever does.  Life is a miserable hamster wheel that sucks and there is nothing good in life.  The minute I relax and think I can maybe be happy, that's when the floodgates break and I'm drowning in another terrible situation that seems to never end.
I wish I'd trusted myself when I met him and kept my distance for fear of being hurt.  I guess now there is no mistake--love is fake, everyone will hurt me, and getting close to people is never with it.

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