Thursday, December 01, 2011

I'm not real

Supposedly time heals all wounds, but I don't think that's true.  I think time lets you know how to hide the pain or how to work around the pain, but doesn't actually heal the pain.  If I suddenly had a stabbing, throbbing, shooting, agonizing pain in my legs when I walked, I'd learn how to adjust and walk so as to lessen the pain on a daily basis.  But, the pain would still be there and it wouldn't take much--just a thoughtless misstep--to bring it back full force.  I think in some cases, the pain never stops being there.  We just learn how to maneuver around it so it doesn't hurt so bad every day.

I feel like that's what I've been doing lately--maneuvering around the pain.  I am very good at pretending I'm fine.  I'm so good in fact that people tell me quite often that they are amazed at how well I'm handling everything.  I go to work and I joke around and I laugh and I go out to lunch and I make my courtroom arguments and I smile and I do things as if nothing is wrong.  I go out with my friends and have a good time and laugh and get dressed up and enjoy my time.  But, underneath it all is the reality--I feel like I'm dying inside.

I'm pretending much of the time.  Even when I do have genuinely good moments, they are fleeting and they quickly slip away, giving way to the overwhelming black hole that is my world now.  The pain is always right there, right under the thin facade I've got on for the day.  The truth behind that smile is that if I stopped smiling, I'd start crying.  If I stopped working, I'd curl up into a ball and stare vacantly.  Because somethings time doesn't heal and somethings we just have to pretend are okay when they are not at all okay. 

I hate my house now.  It's huge and empty and terrible.  I rearranged all the furniture and YKW has taken pretty much everything of his out of the place, but it still is haunted by the ghosts of our past.  The dark room is all that greets me when I come home.  When I have a hard day in court, I can only talk to myself about it.  No one cares about the minutia of my day anymore.  No one knows the background on my cases and my co-workers and my judges and my prosecutors now, so I can't talk to anyone now about the ins and outs of my day when I get home because there isn't anyone there to tell anymore. 

Time has worn away the shock.  I've had the time to stand back up after being knocked down.  But, time hasn't started to heal.  It hasn't started to make it any less painful that it was on the first day he said he wanted a divorce.  It's just as painful, maybe even more so now because it's reality now, not just something that maybe he was feeling at that moment.  Time has given me a chance to stop being so surprised, to stop feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me.  But, it hasn't dulled the pain even one single iota.  In fact, it's only solidified it, as I now get to wake up alone, go to sleep alone, deal with day-to-day issues, alone, and plan a future all alone.  Time has made it more real, more permanent, more vivid. 

Life has become a battle now.  I feel like I get into my car every morning and have to remind myself to put on a good face, to try not to let the pain break through while I'm out at work.  Put my game face on and get through the day, so that I can crawl back to my lonely, empty, haunted apartment and curl up into the bed and try to just sleep until the next day, so I can do it all again. 

Everything feels grey and pointless now.  I've started to wonder if I should re-evaluate everything.  I made such a huge, huge, terrible mistake marrying YKW that I can't help but wonder what else in my life have I been wrong about?  Should I move to another state?  Should I pursue a different career?  Maybe I was totally wrong about this lawyer thing, too.  I mean, I've always had insecurities about my skills and abilities at work, so maybe it's time to look at whether that was a mistake.  Or should I just get back up tomorrow and keep doing the grind because what's the point in doing anything else?  I can't seem to find a point in my life where I get to have sustained happiness, so why bother trying anymore?  Just keep my head down and try not to get punched in the mouth too often.  


  1. Anonymous9:15 PM

    Hey. I'm an anonymous lurking law student (and hopefully future public defender) that has subscribed to your blog for a long time but never bothered to comment. I love the way you write, whether it's about work or not--and not even knowing you, I've been heartbroken and have teared up at some of your recent posts. I can't imagine what you're going through and won't pretend to, but know that if nothing else, you've got at least one anonymous goober out there on the interwebs rooting for you real real hard.

    Also, I think your analogy on time and healing/hiding is apt. But I also think that time is still capable of totally healing even enormous wounds, it just takes more of it.

  2. Anonymous1:05 AM

    You could go into a different type of law practice. Perhaps bankruptcy. Bankruptcy attorneys are the best, and their clients all love them! (P.S., I work in a bankruptcy office and we're the only area of law that regularly gets gifts from clients who live a feast of famine lifestyle. It's great!

  3. Anon #1--thank you. Even without knowing you, knowing that I've got people out there who support me is immensely helpful. I really appreciate it! :)

    Anon #2--bankruptcy scares me. I'm afraid it involves math and numbers and I can barely add and subtract. Is it hard? Venturing out into a different area of law seems worth checking out. I just don't know about any other area!