Sunday, July 17, 2011


So lately I've been feeling very blah.  I'm not sure why.  It's not low thyroid meds, since I'm on a new dose and have been for awhile and I'm feeling better overall now.  So it's not that.  I'm not sure what the problem is. 

I've been feeling just kind of bored with everything, I guess.  There's not anything in particular that is wrong.  It's just sort of routine and boring.  I feel like it's my own personal "Groundhog's Day."  Every day seems to bleed into the next one and the next and the next. 

I can't say I'm unhappy necessarily.  I'm just bored.  Everything is fine.  Work has been the best (read: least overwhelming and fewest crying sessions) that it has been pretty much since I started.  Hat is still wonderful as always.  We aren't lacking for anything and we have most of the creature comforts that you'd expect--cable, internet, big ol' TV (thanks again, Dad!), video game systems, functioning cars (with warranties still for extra bonuses), etc, etc.  But, I'm still bored/blah.  

I sort of wonder if the problem is that I'm out of goals.  I've accomplished the major life goals I set for myself when I was younger.  Go to college--check.  Go to law school--check.  Get a good job making decent money/not be on welfare like I was as a child--check.  Get a job as a public defender--check.  Get married to someone awesome--check.  Aaaaand now I'm, I'm supposed to be basking in the gloriousness of my accomplishments.  Instead, I'm constantly thinking, "This is it? Getting up at 5:00 a.m. is not what I'd expected as basking in the gloriousness..."  It's a lot less spectacular than I had expected. 

And being a grown-up is a total rip-off.  It's no where near as awesome as I thought it would be when I was a kid.  Being a grown-up was supposed to be full of no bedtimes, no rules, and having so much fun because I could do whatever I wanted.  None of those things are true.  I do have a bedtime, since I have to get up so early for work.  There are rules, like that I have to wear a suitcoat all the time at work (barf) and I have to have insurance on my car (expensive).  And it's not so much fun because I can't do whatever I want.  I have to do things that I need to do or am supposed to do.  Someone should have told me that being a grown-up is not nearly as sweet and magical as it seemed.  Instead it's full of responsibilities and bills and work and buying toilet paper.  Ugh... 

So, maybe it's that I'm out of goals now and I expected it to be way more chock-full of awesomeness than it is.  Maybe it's that being a grown-up isn't as fun as I thought it would be.  Maybe it's because doing the mundane things, like buying toilet paper and toothpaste and paying bills and getting an oil change, are just that--mundane. 

I'm not sure what the problem is but I wish it would go away.  Part of me feels like telling the other part of my to STFU because nothing is wrong so just be happy w/ that.  But the other part of my is still bored and I can't shake it.  I wish I knew how because I would really like to not be bored anymore.  It sucks. 

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