Friday, October 09, 2015

I Need a Reset

I'm truly at a point where I don't think I can take anymore. I thought I knew what hopelessness was after YKW left, but I had no idea. The bleakness I'm feeling lately is all-encompassing. It's horrible & awful & suffocating.

After YKW left, I felt like I was not going to ever be happy again. It was a feeling of resignation, of realizing I'd be forever pushing the boulder up the hill but still pushing it. It was a shitty feeling but it wasn't overwhelming. It just felt like what I had to do. This was my lot in life, this was what I'd been given, so I had to keep pushing my boulder up the hill. But it wasn't overwhelming.

This time, my depression has become overwhelming. I feel like I'm suffocating from it, like it's taking over my whole brain & shutting down my ability to think rationally. I'm feeling like I'm dying slowly & my brain is going into a sort of panic mode, where it's compelling me to do something, anything, to get out. I keep having panicked thoughts about how I need to get out, I need to escape, I need to go, I can't be in this situation anymore, I have to find a way out. It's becoming increasingly harder to function on a daily basis (which typically has not been a problem, I've usually been able to function even when dealing with incredible depression) & it's becoming increasingly harder to maintain a semblance of being normal & okay. For the majority of my life, I have been able to hide my depression & unhappiness from 99.9% of people in my life. So it's become second nature to me to put on a happy face, crack some witty jokes to deflect, & convince  everyone that I'm fine. But, that doesn't seem to be the case right now. Right now, I am fighting the urge to pack up some shit in my car, grab the cats, & drive away as fast & as far as I can. Logically, I understand that doing that will not help me at all & will likely only cause me more complications. But my anxiety-and-depression fueled emotional thoughts are yelling as loud & sometimes louder than my logical thoughts. So I'm struggling to hold my shit together. Really, really struggling, more than I ever have in the past.

I know part of the problem is that my thyroid level is off again. I had a dr appt on Oct. 6 & my level is still pretty high despite being on a pretty high dose of replacement thyroid hormone, so I have to see an endocrinologist now to try to get a handle on it (of course...bc everything in my life had to be extra complicated). And one of the symptoms of having a thyroid level that is too high is depression. So I know that that is part of what's going on with me. But, that is likely only exacerbating the situation, not causing it.

I'm really unhappy with a lot of things in my life right now. I'm actively trying to change those things that are causing me to be so unhappy, but some of it isn't within my control. So, I'm limited in how much I can do, but I am doing what I can. But I feel so disheartened & overwhelmed by everything. I feel like even if I am able to make changes to the things are distressing me, that ultimately it won't make any difference. I'm afraid that everything I do will end up making no difference at all & I'll be disappointed & depressed again by my efforts amounting to nothing.

I really need to have a fresh start. I think that is really the only thing that will help me stop feeling that panicky, "let me out!" feeling. I don't know if it will cure my entire depression problem, but it will certainly help to fix some of the things that are causing me such distress right now. I need to Etch-a-Sketch my life.

And I need it to happen soon. I am barely keeping a lid on the anxious, panicked thoughts right now. I don't know how much longer I can keep trudging along when my brain is screaming at me to find a way to escape my current situation. I don't know how long it will be until my emotions are louder than my reason & I pack up the car & drive away.

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