Hello Darkness, my old friend

My depression is in full-swing currently. It's misery every day lately. It's not just bc of Guy, although the breakup did initiate this period of depression. It's everything. I realized yesterday that if I could start over at 18, I would redo every major decision I've ever made in my life. I would choose differently every single time. That realization has made me feel even more depressed, bc it means my entire adult life has been a waste. I wouldn't go to law school. I wouldn't be a lawyer. I wouldn't date or marry YKW. I wouldn't date Guy, either in college or this time around. I wouldn't have moved out to the sticks. I wouldn't have taken a job out in the sticks. Literally every single major decision I've made, I would redo it by not doing it at all. Everything I thought would happen, everything I wanted my life to be, it hasn't worked out bc all the decisions I've made were wrong.

My life feels useless right now. I feel like my entire existence is pointless presently. Objectively, I know it's not true. I can remove myself enough from the emotional wreck that I am to look at things objectively & realize that objectively, there are things I do that matter & people who care about me. But logically knowing that & feeling that are two separate things. I do not feel like that, no matter how much I may objectively be able to know that. And it's the feeling that's killing me.

I've read somewhere that depression feels like drowning but seeing everyone else breathe. But that's not been my experience. For me, it's like slowly have your air supply cut off, rather than the abrupt suffocation of drowning. It's like being in a room where the air is slowly running out, a little bit at a time, so that it takes awhile for the suffocation to occur. So that you have time to really feel it creeping up on you, really feel it leeching away your ability to keep going. It's not a fast thing, but a painstakingly slow & drawn out thing. And as it happens, you know it's happening & it feels like there's nothing that can be done about it. So you either resign yourself to your fate of slow suffocation or, in some cases, you speed up the process & end things. That's not my option, but I certainly struggle with the first option, simply resigning myself to my fate, accepting that things will never get any better, believing that it will always feel like this. It's hard not to, bc that's what the slow suffocation does--it chips away at your strength, a little at a time. If it were drowning, you'd fight furiously to save yourself. But when it's slow & insidious, it's harder to fight. It's already gotten a hold of you by the time you realize it and it's already stolen away pieces of your strength.

So that's where I am at right now. Struggling against the slow suffocation that is my depression. Feeling like it's hopeless, feeling like my efforts will be pointless. Feeling like I am resigned to my fate. It's a bleak place bc it feels like it will never change. Even if I can objectively tell myself that it eventually will. It's the feeling that's hard to overcome.

All aboard the struggle bus

Hey guys, guess what? I bet you'll be totally surprised when I say this, but I'm not at all happy lately. Shocker, eh? Oh, right, no, not at all. That's basically my usual state.

I try really hard to not feel this way. I really do. But I always seem to end up back here for some reason. Like my life is destined to be a horrible suck-fest no matter how hard I try. I hate it. I hate that I can't get out of this.

Lately, it's pretty much my entire life that's dragging me down. I hate wear I live right now so much. I thought I could handle it but it's been way harder than I ever imagined it would be. I'm miserable here. Miserable. I am not exaggerating when I say that I feel like living here is slowly killing me. I love my job, but even that isn't enough anymore to keep me going. If I don't get out of here soon, I'm going to lose it. I'll just be a sad, pathetic shell of myself.

I'm doing everything I can to change things but nothing is working so far. I don't know what I'll do but I know I can't do this much longer.

Unpopular opinion

Recently Adele came out with a new single, "Hello," and the world collectively lost its mind. Everyone was singing its praises & expounding on how it left them in tears. I loved her first 2 albums. 19 & 21 were my "sing at the top of my lungs & bawl" albums when I was heartbroken about the divorce. She captured my feelings so eloquently. I haven't been able to listen to either album since then bc it brings back such powerful feelings for me. Which made me sad bc I loved them so much, even before the divorce. I loved her sound since the moment I heard "Rollin in the Deep." It was so unique & interesting & THAT VOICE!!

So I was happy to hear that 25 was coming out, bc then I could have a new Adele album to love that wasn't soaked in memories & emotion. But, I didn't want to listen to "Hello" right away. I was worried it would make me think of Guy & then that breakup would ruin this album for me. So I purposely didn't rush to listen to it. But one morning I heard it on the radio & decided to not change the station. Her voice was flawless, of course, & the song was beautiful, as expected. But I hated it. I hated it bc the lyrics enraged me as I listened to it.

"Hello" is the most selfish, inconsiderate, self-absorbed song I've heard. And that's why I hate it.

At first, it's ok, the selfishness is not immediately apparent:

"Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing.

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet.

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles."

Aww that seems so heartbreakingly sweet. So far, so good, pretty, sad, everything you want from Adele. Then, the chorus comes & it's all over:

"Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home."

Oh. I see. You broke my heart & now, years later, you want to come back & tell me how sorry you are & talk about how great things were when we were together. Sorry you've got buyer's remorse now, but what makes you think I want to hear from you after all these years?

"Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly
Doesn't tear you apart anymore."

Seriously??? First off, you're only interested in apologizing if I'm still all broken up about the shit you pulled on me years ago? How about you apologize because you want to be a decent person? Second off, you expect me to still be a mess over you after all these years? You legit think you are that fantastic that someone is going to be torn up about you after you crapped on their heart & after yrs have passed? You really think you're that special?

The song goes on with similar lyrics & the entire time I am just turned off & disgusted by it. It's such a dick song, couched in Adele's soaring vocals & heartfelt tone so you don't realize how much of a bitch it makes her seem. And it works--people LOVE this song. They cry over it. I'm pretty much the only person who hasn't fallen in love with this song. Because as long as the lyrics are sung with emotion & the music matches that, people don't care what the song is really about.

Don't believe me? Many yrs ago, Blues Traveler wrote a song exactly about this concept. It's called "Hook." It's a great song, full of emotion, and people didn't realize he was singing about how everyone is suckers. And he pulls no punches, starting the song by telling you exactly what the deal is:

"It doesn't matter what I say
As long as I sing with inflection.
That makes you feel I'll convey
Some inner truth or vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks."

Later in the song he even says:

"There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near."

But that song blew up & I challenge you not to get some emotional response to it, even knowing it's about how you a giant sucker.

So, in sum, "Hello" sucks & it's a dick song & no one realizes it bc it's hidden in the music.

Moving forward

Well, I had my first post-breakup date today. We met for coffee (I had hot chocolate) at 11:00 this morning. It went pretty well overall, although there weren't any sparks flying. He was nice & friendly & we had a good conversation. I wasn't super impressed with his clothing choice, since he showed up in a track jacket, running pants, & a baseball hat. I mean, we were just going for coffee so I didn't expect a suit or anything but he looked like he'd just rolled out of bed. And when he'd take his hat off, it looked like he either hadn't showed at all that day or he had showered & then put his hat on while his hair was still wet. So, his effort into his appearance was marginal at best. But he was nice & there wasn't any weird awkward silences. There wasn't any real chemistry there, though.

I might be spoiled bc with both Guy & YKW, there was this intense physical & mental attraction to the other person, where I found the attraction I had for both of them to be almost intoxicating. I was starry-eyed around both of those two, so I want that again. I want to be with someone who I'm intensely attracted to, both mentally & physically. This guy today wasn't unattractive, despite his terrible clothing selection. He was decently attractive. But there wasn't any spark, no chemistry, no intense attraction. Just like talking to a friend.

I don't know...is it typical not to have that intense draw to the other person? Do people just like the other person a lot & find them decently attractive & think it's good? Did I just manage to get extremely lucky to have found not one but two relationships w/ someone who I'm overwhelmingly drawn to & he, to me? Maybe it's not the norm to feel that way? Maybe I shouldn't be so concerned w/ that since neither of those relationships worked out. Maybe I should be more focused on finding someone who is stable, rather than finding someone I'm drawn to so intensely? And since I'm getting older, not younger, maybe I can't expect to have that sort of attraction with another person? I don't know.

The point is I made it through my first date and that's a big deal. I wish I could say that it meant that I was over Guy, but I'm not. But I am getting out there & trying & that's a step in the right direction.