I saw Guy on Thursday night. First time since we broke up. He had some things of mine I wanted so he came to my place to bring them to me & to have dinner. At first it was a bit strained bc we hadn't talked in a long time & neither of us really knew how the other would be. But it was decent dinner conversation & afterwards, he suggested we watch a stand-up comedy, since we both enjoy that. So we fired up Tom Segura (who is very funny btw) & had a nice time watching that. During the show, I shifted around to stretch out my back since it was stuff from weight lifting the night before. As I was doing that, Guy reached over & started scratching my back. Then he draped his arm around my waist & we cuddled while watching the rest of the show, with his head on my shoulder. He told me a number of times how good it was to see me.
After the show was over, we kept sitting on the couch, cuddled together & chatting about inconsequential things. Then he said out of nowhere, "It's so easy to just pick right back up with you. We always just get along so well when we're together." He was quiet for a bit & then said that he has always felt so drawn to me, that there was this sort of gravity to me that pulls him to me. I agreed & he said that we just have this connection that keeps bringing us together.
He kissed me & after a minute, I said that it was probably a terrible idea for us to be doing that & he said that was probably true. He told me that when he's with me, he doesn't know what he wants to do bc he really needs to have time to be on his own to figure out who he is when he's on his own, but he also loves being with me so much. He said being with me confuses him & makes him uncertain of what he wants to do. He told me that he didn't know how long it would take him before he felt ready to be in a relationship again & that he didn't want me to put my life on hold for him. I explained that I wasn't putting my life on hold for him at all & pointed out all the things I've been doing & the plans I've been making for my future & I said that none of those things have changed. I made it clear that as much as I care about him, I wasn't putting my life on hold for him. He said that was good & that all he wants for me is to be happy, with or without him. He said he wanted to see me again bc he was having a really nice evening (and bc he wasn't able to find one of the things I needed back from him so he's still got to return that to me) but didn't know what we were or how things would work btwn us. I suggested that we date on a casual basis, not as a serious relationship. He said he hadn't considered that before & would have to give it some thought. I pointed out that we haven't ever been able to just be friends when we're together, that we always end up acting like a couple, & that it wasn't likely that that would ever change. He agreed with that & said that it might work to date on a more casual basis & that he'd give it some thought. He said he thinks I'm so unbelievably cool about everything & I'm always so easy to talk to & to feel comfortable with.
We ended the evening with him telling me again how nice it was to see me again & how much he'd enjoyed our time together. We talked about how he was going on an 8-day fishing trip next week & that the week he would be back, that I'm starting a serious crim sex trial so we'd both be pretty busy for the next couple weeks, but that he'd like to get together again after that. He gave me another kiss before he left & said we'd get together again soon. He texted me when he got home to let me know he'd gotten home safely & thanked me again for a nice night.
I'm smart enough to realize how problematic this situation is w/ him & how easily I could end up hurt again. My brain is screaming at me to sever all ties with him so I can't get hurt by him again. My heart, however, is not listening to my brain. Right or wrong, there is some connection there, that neither time nor distance nor prior hurt can seem to erase. I don't know what, if anything, will ultimately happen btwn us. Maybe we'll finally get the timing right & things will work out btwn us & maybe we will end up going our separate ways & never see each other again. That's not something I can worry about right now. For the time being, seeing him doesn't change anything I'm doing or any plans I have for my future. It was nice to see him again but I did mean what I said when I told him I wasn't going to put my life on hold. I never have in all the time we've known each other & I don't intend to now.
The one thing that made me happy to hear was that he also felt this connection, this draw, that we have. After we broke up this time, I wondered if I had imagined that btwn us, saw something that wasn't really there. I felt like I was crazy & I was upset that I had been wrong about things btwn us. I hadn't ever really talked w/ him in any detail about how I felt like we had a unique connection that kept bringing us back to each other, so the fact that he described feeling drawn to me & having an enduring connection w/ me made me feel like I wasn't crazy. It made me feel better to know I hadn't been imagining things. Even if we were to never see each other again, at least I know that the things I felt were real. After YKW left, I was so upset that everything I thought we had btwn us had been completely false. That was one of the hardest things to cope with was wondering if any part of the relationship had been real or not. So, regardless of the end result btwn me & Guy, at least I know that the things I felt btwn us were really there & the connection I felt was real.
I know all the problems this can cause me. But for the time being, I'm not going to stress about it. I don't have the energy to do that. I will keep doing the things I have been doing & he'll do what he needs to do & we'll likely keep coming back into each other's lives bc we can't stay away. I'm not going to chase after him, but I know I won't be able to ignore him when he calls. Whatever we have btwn us, it's intense & I don't know that I'm strong enough to resist. I never have been.
