I'm not even going to deny it

I freaking love "Thrift Shop" by Macklamore.
I find it awesome to hear a rap about shopping at Goodwill, since most rappers talk about how rich they are and how much bling they have.

For everything there is a season (but that doesn't mean I have to like it)

They say the only thing constant in life is change. For me, that is problematic. I'm not a big fan of change.

I wouldn't say I hate change. I don't hate change in general. I hate change I have no say in, change that I can't control, change that is thrust upon me with no warning and without my input in it. Change that I am choosing is fine. I'm a control freak and I hate not feeling in control.

Everything seems to be in transition lately. I'm not happy with it. I don't have time to adjust to one change before another comes along. I will be the first to admit I am a huge baby and I usually have to be dragged through change, kicking and screaming. And when they continually come one after another, I get cranky. And unhappy.

Too many changes at once make me feel stressed and anxious and crabby. I just got dismarried (a term recently suggested by a reader as an alternative to "divorced" since I can't bring myself to say it) and I'm trying to deal with that without constantly turning into a bawling mess, I'm trying to adjust to being moved to a new county and a new court, and there are even more changes coming at work. I'm left w/ very few things that aren't in some sort of transition.

This means I'm one cranky, crabby, unhappy, miserable girl. I can't seem to get my bearings on one aspect of my life before something else shifts. I don't like it. I don't enjoy constantly feeling like things are out of my control and I have no ability to do anything but keep my head down and try to make it through.

Basically, I'm an enormous ball of unhappiness right now. Moreso than usual.

Well that's good to know

Let's say you are mad and decide to choke/strangle someone. Not enough to cause them to black out or suffer any substantial bodily harm. Just a good ol' choking to let out your frustrations with them. And in this scenario, you are in Minnesota.
If you choke a "household or family member" (meaning anyone who you live with, have a kid with, are married to, had a significant sexual or romantic relationship with, etc.) then you will be charged w/ Felony Domestic Assault by Strangulation.
If you choke a stranger, your annoying co-worker, your kid's teacher, your friend, or anyone who isn't a family or household member, you will be charged w/ a Misdemeanor Fifth Degree Assault.
That misdemeanor could be knocked down to a disorderly conduct if it's a first offense. That's pretty much nothing.
So, the lesson here is only strangle friends, co-workers, or total strangers.
Thanks, silly Minnesota laws!

I'm old

I used to wear high heels all the time. In college, I used to go dancing in pointy-toe stiletto heels every weekend with no problem.
Yesterday I wore a round toe short heel to work. By the time I got home, I could barely walk because my feet hurt.
Sigh...

I'm unvarnished and people hate that

Now that I'm not married ( I still have trouble saying "I'm divorced.") people keep saying things like, "Now you can decide who you're going to be from this point on." Or things to that effect. My bishop (for you non-Mormons, the bishop is like a pastor of the local congregation) asked me what Version 3.0 of myself is going to be.
I find this confusing. I wasn't a vastly different person while married. I was certainly happier, but I didn't become a whole new person.
The other wrinkle in this is that everyone also keeps telling me not to let this make me bitter or cynical or pessimistic. Which makes me want to ask, "Have you met me before?" Those are kind of my key characteristics. They are the reason I have such charm (har har har).

It's safe to say most women would not appreciate this...

I find the most disturbing part of this story that, not only did this lawyer have sex with his client, he then BILLED her for it! Insanity...
http://m.twincities.com/twincities/db_39164/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=DOPbyP8h

Extra fun

I'm sick. How awesome. Spent all weekend feeling both emotionally and physically crappy. Had to miss a baby shower and birthday party on Saturday. Missing work today.
My life is a ball of fun.
Okay, back to bed. Hopefully sleep and orange juice will improve things.

At least I haven't lost my biting sarcasm

Text conversation with my friend:
Me: I'm so depressed. I wish I were dead so I could have some of those rewards in the next life (I'm not suicidal. I would not hurt or kill myself. This was a reference to an earlier conversation we had had, discussing how it is often discussed at church when going through hard times, to remember that there well be rewards in the next life, which I always thought sounded like an incentive for people to commit suicide. No need to be concerned.)
Friend: Will you stop taking like that? You're freaking me out. You're not looking at your clue board as a game plan are you? (She missed the reference, I guess.)
Me: Don't worry. I'd never kill myself. Ward and Hubert would run out of food and then eat my corpse and that is too creepy for words.
Yes folks, even in the midst of great sadness, my inner smart-ass still survives and cracks dark-humored jokes.

The Way Things Are

This was not how I wanted things to go. But very rarely does life ever give me what I want. In fact, usually if I want it, it either won't happen or it gets taken away. That is the way things have often seemed to go.
The finality at least means it's over now, although not the way I wanted. The uncertainty was painful. Having an end is also painful. But pain is something I'm very familiar with. I'm not sure I know what it is like to live without pain.
This has left me with scars, with wounds that will stop hurting so bad but will never heal. People tell me I'll meet someone else, but I won't. Because I won't ever open my heart again. I refuse to allow this to happen again and this experience has shown me that no matter how much you think you know someone, you don't. No one can be trusted enough to give my heart away again.
In my life, ever since I was a child, people have left me. Family has been an elusive concept. I have always worried I would never find a stable family; now I know that is true. No one stays, so I see no reason to form relationships with the expectation of longevity. For me, it's not a reality.
No man is an island, but I'm pretty close.

Well, it's official

As of today, I'm no longer married.
Damn, that still hurts like a bitch even though I knew it was coming.

Oh Law & Order: SVU, you're so silly

I love L&O:SVU but sometimes they are so off-base it's silly. This particular episode is ridiculously full of errors it's insanity.
1. Judge sustained an objection for leading on cross-exam. In real life, leading questions are the whole point of cross-exam.
2. Just as the judge in criminal court was about to accept a plea bargain, a lawyer who represented the victim walked in and handed the judge a restraining order from civil court barring the judge from accepting the plea and ordering all the criminal court parties (including the judge) to appear in civil court the next day. Say whaaaaaaaaa? That makes zero sense! For one, it would be an injunction, not a restraining order, or possibly a writ of prohibition, but not a restraining order. For two, what the what? A judge who isn't a higher court judge ordering another judge how to do their job? Not happening.
Oh, silly script writers...maybe ask a lawyer about stuff...

Relaxing in bliss

I'm going to be sad going back to work next week. I've so enjoyed my relaxation vacation. Sewing, reading, doing projects... I'm so blissfully relaxed. And I've absolutely loved the daily afternoon nap I've been able to have. I sometimes forget how much I love naps.
Oh yeah, and I'm going to make banana bread.
I love vacations.

2013

i am typing this on my kindle so we shall see how this works out...could be rather interesting...

So it's 2013 now. 2012 had a lot of crap moment in it. and by moments i mean months. But whatev. It is finally over and I have high hopes for this new year. Things can only get better, right? I sure hope so.

I am still on vacation this week. It has been super relaxing. i have been able to finally sew a skirt i have been wanting to sew forever and now i am making myself a new court bag. I have been able to get some household projects finished after living here for like six months. And i have been abl to spend lots of time napping with my kitties. If you ask them, that is the most important thing I have done. If i can finish my court bag in time I would like to start on another project while I have the time. I love sewing but I am still slow at it so it takes me awhile. but I love it!

Ok Hubert is getting all up in my face so it is time to go.

Sometimes "justice" doesn't feel very just...

http://m.twincities.com/twincities/db_39829/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=jnn2OvWr
I think this is completely unnecessary. If you don't want to click the link, the nutshell version is that a 4 year old got his hands on an improperly stored and loaded gun and accidentally shot and killed his two year old brother. Now the state has charged the father w/manslaughter and endangering a child, both felonies, because the father didn't store his guns properly (he apparently had a small arsenal of guns in the home).
Yes, I get it: he should have stored the guns in a safe way so the children could not have accessed them. If he had, the child would still be alive. But, I'm sure he already knows that, seeing as how he has lost his son. I'm sure that he is struggling w/ unimaginable grief and pain and, yes, even guilt and regret. He is paying for his bad decisions in the most excruciating way possible, by burying his tiny son. How does charging this man do any good?
He is now looking at two felonies, including prison time, despite never having any previous criminal convictions. He is dealing with the loss of his son, he and his family are reeling from this tragedy, and now he and his family have to deal with the stress and strain of criminal charges.
Why do this? It doesn't bring the child back. Assuming he and his wife are still together, it won't help the victim's family feel closure but will only further tear the family apart if he is sent to prison. I doubt it will "correct" any "criminal" behavior in this guy, since it doesn't appear he has criminal predilections (given his lack of criminal history) but rather lacks judgment skills. And I would guess that he won't ever store his guns in this manner again. So what purpose does charging him serve? Prosecutors have  the power and ability to use discretion in charging cases. Maybe as a defense attorney, I'm missing something that a prosecutor would see that puts a different light on this. But I just don't get why some prosecutorial discretion wasn't used to say, "You know what? He is going to be paying for his decisions for the rest of his life. Criminal charges won't correct, cure, vindicate, or help this situation one bit."
Like I said, maybe I'm not seeing something. But putting aside my "lawyer" hat and viewing this simply as a regular person with a heart, I still don't get it.

How to understand Minnesotans

We don't like to brag or complain, so we keep it neutral. In case you are in the area for the holidays and need to know what is going on, here is a quick one-question guide.
Question: "How are you?"
Answers:
"Not too bad" = everything is going okay, no concerns
"I'm doing okay" = meh, things could be better
"Hanging in there" = things are really bad right now
"Pretty good" = really great
"Really good" = just won the lottery

Merry Christmas!

Hope all your holidays are filled with naps, kitties, family, food, joy, happiness, peace, and everything else you are dreaming of this season.
Xoxo,
PDgirl, Hubert, and Ward

PD life.

We have a new PD at the office. I was very sad that my office bestie didn't get the job, bc she is remarkably awesome and hilarious and I love having her around. But the newest addition to our office family is also very nice and friendly. She is a new attorney, fresh out of law school, and around my age. Plus, she actually drives right by my place on her drive into work, so we have been able to carpool a couple days of the week the last couple weeks. My gas tank and my wallet are very happy with this. Maybe I won't have to pay for gas with quarters now. Yes!

I've got my year-end recharge vacay coming up very soon. Only have the rest of the week and then I'm off. There will be lots of sleeping in, visiting family and friends, relaxing, and doing things I never make time for, like sewing and drawing. I'm really looking forward to it. Sometimes I just need to let my brain relax and watch bad reality tv for awhile to refresh and avoid getting burnt out. This job can be mentally exhausting. Dealing with bad situations, terrible things at times, and difficult clients can take a lot out of you. I love my job, but sometimes I need to take a break from all the seriousness and not be immersed in crime all day.

Oh, and Ward has become a total whiny cling-on lately, meowing and crying if I'm not immediately nearby him. So, I'll have to spend some time with the kitties too. Whiners...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm being transferred at work to a different county than the one I've been in for the last 2 years. I'm actually pretty sad about the move.  I like the county that I work in and I'm sad that I will have to change. Plus, I hate change with a passion. I hate having to meet new people and I hate having to be in new situations where I don't know what's expected... Every court has its own idiosyncrasies and I hate not knowing what those are when I am in court.  After you've been in court for awhile in a certain area, you get used to what to expect and what the judges are like and how things operate...but, I'm going to be tossed into a new environment and have to learn this new court's processes.  Sigh... Plus, I have to say goodbye to all the awesome people at my current county!  That makes me sad, too.  A couple of the court clerks have asked me if it is true I'm moving and said that they hoped I'd be back soon because they liked having me there.  That was really nice to hear.  And I'll miss the prosecutors, too, since I genuinely like and get along w/ all of them.  I'd consider them all friends, so I am sad to have to leave.

I don't think that is what that word means...

Police report: "I observed latent footprints throughout the scene which had a distinctive tread pattern."

Latent: present but not visible, apparent, or actualized

Oops.

Overheard

While sitting in the hall lobby of church, I overheard the following conversation between a dad and his two year old daughter.
Daughter: I wanna go in the hall.
Dad: We are in the hall.
Daughter: But I wanna go in the hall.
Dad: I know. We are in the hall.
Daughter: Can we go in the hall? I wanna be in the hall.
Dad: (sigh) We are already in the hall. See? We are already here. We're in the hall. Right now, we are in the hall.
Daughter: Can we go in the hall?
Dad: (sigh, no response)
Daughter: (very excited) We're in the hall!!!
Dad: I know, that's what I've been saying...
Daughter: Daddy, do you know what? We're in the hall.
Bwahaha!! Kids are hilarious sometimes. A conversation between an adult and a two year old is delightful to overhear.

Sounds about right

A prosecutor today said to me that he was only going to call people by their last name and then starting calling anyone around him by their last name. (He was in a silly mood). So, I immediately informed if that was the new thing he was doing, I was changing my last name to Murderawesome.

Oh you fancy, huh?

After a little more than 3 1/2 years, I've changed offices. I got to  take an office that is slightly bigger office than my old office AND my new office has windows! I'm liking it. Moving my stuff sucked, but whatev. I'm big time now, with my windows.  Baller, baby!

Here is what I did this weekend

So, my step-dad went back in the hospital again and then back out. It's an ongoing debacle with his health right now. Blood too thick, then too thin, clots, pneumonia, necrotic section of his lung...it's a mess. But he is hanging on, so that is good. But he looks terrible. He is definitely struggling.
Other than that, Thanksgiving went well. It was small, just me and my mom, step-dad, my brothers, and a couple other people. But it was laid back, which was nice. I went over to my mom's place the night before and had a nervous-then-later-funny experience.
When I got to the house, the radio in the kitchen was on and it looked like Mom was in the middle of making something, but she wasn't there. I asked my brother where she was and he said she went to the store. But her car was still in the driveway, so I called her cell to find out where she was at and how long she would be. Then her phone rang in the kitchen. I went into the kitchen again and realized her cell phone, her purse, her wallet and her keys were all still on the kitchen table. So, at this point, I was getting concerned. I went outside and noticed there were wet tire tracks in the driveway. Out of an abundance of caution, I used my cell phone camera to take pictures of the tracks (and no, they weren't mine...I parked on the street).  I figured it couldn't hurt to have pics since they would eventually evaporate.
Turns out my mom had cash and had walked (in the dark) to the store. She made fun of me for taking pics but I reminded her that if something HAD happened to her, she should be glad I'd taken them. She kept calling me CSI all night. I told her it was her fault for leaving and making it look like an episode of Forensic Files.
So that is our funny story for this holiday season.

Actual conversation

Me: Just because they have a biological specimen doesn't mean that they can pull a useable DNA sample from it.
Other attorney: Really? I didn't know that. Where did you learn that?
Me: CSI.

At some point, I should think about looking into this concept of growing up

My step dad is out of the hospital. They were able to shrink the massive clot in his lung enough for him to be released. He is still really fragile, weak, and very ill, but no longer on the verge of death. The icu dr said if he had waited even one more day, the clot would have moved to his heart and likely killed him. It moved that way while he was in the icu but they were able to do something about it. Had he not been there, it would have been a different situation.
Still not divorced yet. We have talked about the last of the details so I'm expecting to get the papers every day that I open my mailbox but so far, nothing. So, I'm still waiting on that.
As usual, I once again was the epitome of maturity as I waited in the courtroom for my turn and listened to the prosecutor give an offer of the facts the state would intend to prove at trial. It was a case where apparently a witness statement included the term "pee pee" and as a result, the prosecutor repeatedly had to say "pee pee." There was something too hilarious about a 48 year old man who is extremely intelligent and very professional saying "pee pee" over and over again. I had a serious case of the church giggles over it. After the hearing was done, I said to him, "Hehehe, I heard you say 'pee pee.' Hehehe." To which he grinned and replied, "I know!" So there you go...your public defender may be silently holding in her giggling at the most immature and ridiculous things. You just never know. Can you believe they gave me a law degree? Ahahaha, I'm hearing him say "pee pee" in my head as I'm writing this and it's making me giggle again.
Other than that, everything is pretty much the same sh*t, different day. Just me, Ward, and dumb baby Hubert doing what we do, living the thug life.
Which of course means watching Sister Wives and taking a nap. Because seriously...wtf, Sister Wives? W.T.F.?

Stupid Dumb Baby

Hubert has decided that his new favorite thing to do is to sneak into the bathroom, pull the tampon wrappers out of the garbage and run around the house with them.
Sigh...
I suppose I should be glad that it's only the wrappers and not anying else. But it's still annoying to find tampon wrappers all over the house.
Stupid dumb baby cat.

Funny work moment

Today was my office day. I spent the morning watching interrogation videos on a couple of cases. My co-worker came in during two different videos. The second time he came in, he asked, "So, are you just going to sit in here and watch movies all day?"

Bwahaha!

Knock it off any time, Universe

So my step-dad is in the ICU now. He has massive blood clots in his femoral artery and his lung. The one in his lung has started moving towards his heart. I'm hoping he will be okay.
I'm officially at my end point. I cannot handle one more emotional or stressful event. I'm about ready to just give up on everything. My practical side won't let me not work or pay rent, etc. but I'm basically turning into a robot. I've started to resign myself to the fact that I will never be truly happy and I'm simply going through the motions, waiting to die one day. My brain and emotions can't handle anything more.

Just call me Little Miss Sunshine

So I think that knowing that feeling mildly unhappy each day is not normal actually makes me feel more unhappy, if that is possible. It's like when you're a kid and you don't know you've got some cut or scrape till someone asks about it and then it suddenly starts hurting now that you are aware of it.
Now it's like, "Great, everyone else is feeling happy and content, not mildly unhappy like I always thought. That is not fair. Why can't I feel like that? Oh right, the depression. Well, that's not fair, either." (Insert grumpy sigh here).
Apparently, atypical depression responds well to MAOIs. They apparently have the best success for treating it. And they can't be mixed with pretty much every other med I'm on. So that is fun.
So in sum, I'm a barrel of sunshine lately.

Friend is a Four-Letter Word

To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
When I go fishing
For the words
I am wishing
You would say to me
I'm really only praying
That the words you'll soon be saying
Might betray
The way
You feel about me.
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four-letter word.
- Friend is a Four-Letter Word by Cake

Well, balls...and here I thought that was just my personality

My counselor mentioned that he thought I might have dysthymia.  I didn't know exactly what that was, so I was looking it up after my last appointment.  It didn't sound like a really great fit for my situation, since I'm not always unhappy.  In fact, I'm perfectly capable of having a good time if there's something enjoyable going on around me.  I'm not incapable of having fun or laughing or having good days.  It's just that most of the time, I don't see what there is to get all excited about on a day to day basis.  I mean, let's be honest--life kind of sucks hard more often than not.  So, why would I get up every day and be all chipper and excited for the day when I'm going to just get up, go to work, go home, and repeat?  It's not like that's super awesome or something.  It just is what it is.  

But apparently, that's not normal.  Well, that's news to me...I thought I was just as normal as everyone else.  Sure, I'm aware I'm more cynical than most people, but I always assumed that is because I'm not delusional.  I didn't know that my opinion that most days are boring, uneventful, and sucky was not a routine feeling.  I guess it was enough to make my therapist think I might have dysthymia.  But, again, that didn't sound like a totally accurate fit for me.

And then I ran into this:

Yay!

Obama wins!
Now just waiting to see about the marriage amendment and voter ID amendment.

Short & sweet

I'm going to see Flight tonight. It looks awesome. And Denzel is pretty good looking.
YKW and I have a phone conference on Monday to discuss the incorrect divorce papers. I'm assuming that we will finally get everything corrected and then he can submit the corrections to his lawyer. And then hopefully this whole nightmare can finally be over. I just want to be done. I don't have enough energy anymore and I just want there to be some end to this horrible holding pattern I've been in for more than a year. I don't want to be divorced anymore than I want to be kicked in the head, but if it has to happen, I'd rather get it over with quickly. I don't want to keep waiting for the painful event.
I want a nap.
That is all.

Awesome

Not guilty.
My two favorite words.

Trial machine

Friday: win award for most jury trials in 2012.
Tuesday: start jury trial

Okay, seriously...

Ugh...so, my book is on sale for free through today, apparently. Because when Amazon said Oct. 27 & 28, it really meant Oct. 28 & 29. Glad that is cleared up.

So, in bonus news, if you still want to get a copy, it's still on sale for free through today!

Ugh...

Amazon lied and said my book would be free this weekend but apparently it's not...sorry about that. Stupid technology...

My book is FREE this weekend only!

Still need to get your copy of my book, "They Call Me Ninja Fireballs?"  Well, this weekend there's a free promotion and you can get your very own copy for the low, low price of FREE!  So, snatch it while you can, because the promotion starts Saturday and ends Sunday. 

Awwww, yeah!!!

And now, here's this stuff

I got the "corrected" divorce paperwork today.  Guess what?  Still not correct.  Including--once again--my name.  Even after notifying YKW's attorney that there were errors, there are still errors.  This is never going to be over...ugggghhhhh...  Again, this just continues to drag on and on and on and on...can it just be over?!?!  I just want this to be over... 

gross

So apparently, cats fart.

I've recently learned this fun fact because Hubert has suddenly started to reek.  I switched food for the cats recently since my mom had a ton that her cat wouldn't eat, so she gave it to me to see if my cats would eat it.  And they have been. They seem to like it. And it was free, so bonus!

Except that now Hubert keeps dropping these horrible stink bombs every day. He'll curl up next to me in bed, purring and being all cute and tiny and baby-like (since he is only about 5 months old now), and then suddenly it will smell like death. They are totally silent but they are the worst thing I've ever smelled. I had no idea cats farted. But holy crap, it's terrible.

So, whatever brand of food this is, we are not using this again. Otherwise I might die from the stench.

That takes a bit of the sting of losing out

I had a contested hearing today. My staff and I worked pretty hard on it (which means my staff did like 98% of the work and then handed all of it to me so I look like I'm on my game in court...man, I freaking LOVE support staff!). But, we didn't win. And of course, that's always at least a little disappointing. It's disappointing even when you know you've haven't got a snowball's chance in hell. Because there is always that tiny part of you that thinks, "Well, maybe..."  I've heard it referred to as trial delusion, since it happens a lot during trial. But I digress...
At any rate, so lost the hearing, which was disappointing, of course. But, my client wanted to talk after the hearing so I met w/ him, thinking he had questions or something. Nope, he just wanted to tell me thank you. And thank you to my staff. He said he knew we had worked hard on the hearing and he was really grateful for the effort we put into it.
Losing sucks, of course, but nothing makes me feel like the work I do matters than when someone says thank you. Especially when we don't get the result that we were hoping for. Because it's easy to be thankful for the attorney who gets the outcome you are hoping for, but it isn't always easy to be pleased when you don't get the result you wanted. So, when clients who don't get the outcome we were aiming for tell me thank you, it means a hell of a lot. And it feels good to give a voice to someone who otherwise may not have one.
And, even the judge said during the hearing (twice!) that I had done a nice job and that I had made compelling arguments. So even though we didn't win, my client felt well-represented and the court acknowledged the work that was put into building my argument. It's nice to know that whether I'm winning or losing, others around me notice when I do good work. It's really stuff like that that makes this job rewarding. Win or lose, I always hope my clients feel like there was someone there to fight for them and to put effort into helping them. And I hope that others recognize the time and effort I put into my cases, trying to be the best advocate I can be and learning how to be a smart and prepared attorney.
It's amazing how much a simple "thank you" can really touch my heart. Especially when it is coming from a client who didn't get the outcome we had hoped for. It takes a bit of the sting out of losing.

Delicious chicken salad

I love this recipe so I am going to share it/have it somewhere that I can find it again. Don't ask me for specific quantities or measurements...this is a recipe that Hat showed me/used to make for me and he never uses measurements.

One can of chicken breast (I use the canned chicken because I'm lazy. You can use chicken that you cook and shred if you want)
1/3 cup mayo
1/3 cup plain yogurt
Chopped green onions
Finely shredded white cheese
Lemon juice-a couple squeezes
Salt
Pepper
Curry seasoning
Old Bay seasoning
Craisins
Cashews

Combine chicken, mayo, and yogurt. Mix well. Add in onions and mix well. Add salt, pepper, and seasonings and mix all together (add this stuff till it tastes good to you). Add the cheese and craisins and mix together. Do not add in the cashews-they will get soggy and gross within a day. Spread the salad on the bread and add a layer of cashews on top before adding the second slice of bread. Tada!

It tastes delicious the first day and even better after the first day when the flavors have time to meld. Mmmmmmmm...

Damn Science...stay out of my job!

During a training today, we discussed forensic science and the need for us, as lawyers, to learn how to understand it.

Damnit! I became a lawyer because I suck at math and science and I have no head for those subjects.  I don't want to have to know science!  I just wanna stand around a courtroom and say, "blah blah blah blah, lawyer-things, big words, big words, yakity yak yak." Now I'm supposed to know science?!

Science, stay in your own field. Quit making me have to learn you!

Double digits!

To date, twelve copies of my book have sold. I'm pretty excited about that. And it's not just people I know, so that is extra cool. I expected like my mom to buy it and that would be it. I didn't expect people to buy it. I just wanted to accomplish something. But people buying it is very exciting!

People I do know say it's really funny. I'm glad to know people think it's funny bc I was worried that it would only be funny to me. It's rather hard to know for sure if what you're writing reads as funny as intended. So I was nervous. But so far, it seems like I did ok.

Proposed change in the laws

I have a pet peeve about current laws re: restraining orders.  If someone has a  restraining order against you, say your former lover who you still have feelings for, you are barred from any interaction w/ them.  Even if they decide they miss you and so they drop in at your home or give you a call. 

The common scenario I run into is a cranky person who abuses the order by only calling police to report a violation when they aren't getting their way in the relationship. They lie and say they had the order dropped or they lull the other person into a false sense of security that they won't report violations since they want contact.

I have even seen cases where the person with the order was calling the guy, inviting him over, and sleeping with him! But when he biked by and waved to her, THEN she called the police. Dumb!

So here is my proposed change to the law. A restraining order implies that someone doesn't want to interact with the other person. So how about the law include an affirmative defense that they initiated contact and thus nullified the order? That way, people who really need the protection, who don't want any contact, are protected still but the law can't be used as a tool for a disgruntled mate.

Just saying.

I know what you're really asking...

"How long have you been practicing?" = "Are you  even old enough to be my lawyer?"

My book is published and ready for the world

Here it is.

My book is done!

My book is officially finished!!

It's currently being reviewed for formatting, etc. by Amazon.com and then it will be available for purchase in approximately 12 hours.  

Nothing more to say

The divorce papers came in the mail.

Things, things, things

My book is coming along at a quick clip. I'm hoping it should be done within the next few weeks. Then it will be ready to make its debut.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for really taking the time to do the work and write a book. Even if no one reads it, at least I did it. I wrote an entire book. So I can cross that off my bucket list when it's finished.
In other news, work has been busy. A lot of contested hearings lately but those are actually pretty fun. I like those. They are like mini-trials but without the hassle of a jury and with much looser rules. And they only take like an hour, instead of several days. The only thing I don't like is having to write a brief afterwards. That isn't really all that fun. But, that's okay.
I think my medicine for my hypersomnia needs to be adjusted again. It's been like 6 or 7 years since the last adjustment. But lately I've been feeling really, really tired again during the day and I'm having trouble doing sedentary activities without falling asleep.  Reading, watching tv, etc. are all starting to become nap sessions, just like in the past. So I have an appt in October with my sleep specialist and I'm guessing I'll need to have my medication levels tweaked. The only concern is that I'm already at a very high dose (80 mgs of Adderall each day) and my specialist doesn't like to put people on any higher dose than 100 mgs/day.  So there isn't much room to adjust. Plus what happens if/when the new dose stops being as effective? I'm only 29. I've got many years left where I will need to be awake and on medication of some kind. What happens if I'm at the top of what can be prescribed? That makes me nervous. I guess technically I can try to work my schedule around my disorder, because it does qualify as a disability.  So my job has to make reasonable accommodations for my disability, which in my case would mean allowing me time to take a nap during the day.  My office has already cleared me for that (although so far I haven't had to use it real often) but I doubt that that would work very well for scheduling court hearings. My sleepiest time of the day is about 1:00-3:00 p.m., which is when a majority of afternoon hearings are scheduled.  So taking a nap during that time would not work at all. 
Hopefully that won't become an issue. I'm hoping that the specialist can adjust my medications so that they keep me awake and alert during the day like they used to do.  That would be ideal. So fingers crossed that that can happen.
Other than that, life is pretty mundane. Same sh*t, different day, as they say. The cats and I are basically just hanging out, doing what we do (which is being killer amazing, of course). Nothing else to report for now.

One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of when YKW told me he wanted a divorce.  Today is the one year mark of the saddest moment of my life. 

One year ago, I could barely breathe because the pain I was in was so intense it was a physical thing.  I bawled every night before bed, hard enough to give myself a headache.  One year ago, I wanted to die just to give my poor heart a reprieve from the agony of losing him.  At times the pain was so overwhelming that I thought I actually might die from heartache.  One year ago, I could not imagine a life without him. I could not imagine ever being happy again.  One year ago, I thought my life was over.  And it came close on many occasions, when I felt like I just could not go on even one more minute.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% better than one year ago. That I picked myself up and never looked back. I wish I could say I never shed anymore tears for him, that I don't care at all about him, and that I'm happier without him.

But, I can't say any of those things. None of those things are true.

What I can say is that, while I do still cry about him (sometimes very hard), those sessions are now much more rare. While I still have days where things feel awful, I have been able to have many happy times.  I can laugh again, and pretty much do every day.  I can have fun again.  While I still care about him and still love him, I don't feel like I need him anymore--just want.  Not need.  While I can't say I'm happier without him, I can say that I have been able to find happiness without him.

I do look back. I do think about what we had and it still makes me sad to have lost him.  My heart is not okay yet.  But, it's trying to be.

Would I feel happier if he said he loved me and wanted to try to work on out marriage? Probably.  He still has my heart, right or wrong.  Would my preference be that we would be together again? Yes. I'd prefer that.  But, even without those things being true, I can still have days that are good and fun and enjoyable.  I can be okay.

We are still married.  He has not yet filed the paperwork for the divorce.  A part of my heart continues to hope that if we aren't divorced, then maybe we can still make things work.  I don't know if it will ever be true or if it's wishful thinking.

I'm grateful for the people who have surrounded me in love and thoughts and prayers over the last year. I have felt more love and care as I have walked this dark path than I ever have in my life.  When I have been too tired to keep going, when my legs have collapsed beneath me, when the desire to keep going has left me, when even the desire to eat has disappeared, when I have fallen under the weight of this emotional burden, when I have felt alone in my grief, people were there to pick me back up, to carry me, to feed me, to help me walk, to grieve with me, to be my strength when I had none left, to take care of me when I didn't care. The love and support I have been surrounded by has been more than I could have ever expected. I would never have survived without the people who have been there for me.

Am I 100% better? No. I'm not even sure I could say that I'm 50% better. But, I am sure that I will get there eventually. And that is much more than I could say one year ago.

Look what I can do!

I can sew stuff.  Like this dress: 

You can tell it's homemade if you look at the part that I totally messed up when I was doing the lining right by the zipper in the back.  Good thing it's just the lining and it's not visible from the outside at all. 

I was pretty pumped that this turned out!  I wanted it to look like it wasn't handmade because I always think that's the litmus test to determine if something is well-made.  If no one can tell it's homemade, then I did a good job on it. 

So far, I've made 2 dresses that are done decently enough so that I don't think they are obviously handmade.  I'm moving on to a suit jacket next.  We'll see if I can make that turn out...that seems much harder.  Because it has sleeves...

This is like your VIP pass

Remember that time I said that I was going to write a book?  I actually am following through on that.  Crazy, huh?  Who would have thought that I would have ever had the ability to actually follow through with something like that.  But, I'm on Chapter 10 of my (hopefully funny) book.  And, just for you, dear Nftmonosyllabicers, I'm going to give you a sneak peek.  I'm going to post one chapter from my book. Hopefully you all like it and think it's funny.  If not, be nice when you're telling me it blows--it's the first time I've ever written anything like this and it's still a rough draft.  Thanks!!

A ridiculous number of cat photos

For whatever reason, the Blogger app on my phone no longer lets me upload photos when I want to write a post.  It always says, "Publish failed" and then I can't post pictures.  I find this insanely frustrating.  In part because I haven't been able to put up any photos of Hubert since I first got him!  And he's adorable so there definitely needs to be more pictures of him on my blog. Be prepared for your face to explode with cuteness overload.

Well, that's a surprise

Recently, a handful of people I know have told me that I'm "easy to talk to."  Given that I have crushing social anxiety (which has eased significantly since I started taking anti-anxiety meds) and find it difficult to talk to people, this has been a surprising description.  I don't know that I would ever have described myself as easy to talk to.
So, what makes someone "easy to talk to?"  I decided to Google it to see what characteristics make someone easy to talk to.  And now I'm more confused...
Popular characteristics included:
-outgoing
-non-judgmental
-warm
-open
-a good listener
-a good conversationalist
-friendly
Looking at those, I am not sure how I fit with those descriptors. Maybe "a good listener," but only bc I'm usually to shy to say much, so the other person can run at the mouth and I will just politely nod bc then I don't have to talk. But all the other ones? I'm not sure about those. Especially the non-judgmental one.  I'm so good at being judgmental that I could win the gold medal at the Judgment Olympics.

Things Not to Say to Your Public Defender

Nftmonosyllabicers, I hope you are never in a position to need a public defender. If you are, that means you are 1) in trouble, whether you should be or not and 2) poor enough to qualify for a public defender. But, if you are ever in need of our services, please keep this list with you so you can easily access things you shouldn't say to your public defender.

1. "So, is this what you're doing until you get a real job?"  Last time I checked, I got a paycheck, benefits, and paid vacation, sick days, and holidays. Pretty sure this counts as a real job.

2. "So I know an attorney and when I talked to him, he told me to tell you that you should (file this motion, request this, do that)."  Oh really? That's fascinating. Go hire that guy, then.

3. "I'm going to have to get a lawyer for this/do I need to get a lawyer for this?"  When you filled out your application for a court-appointed lawyer, did you miss the part about the court appointing you a lawyer? What exactly do you think my role is? If you are confused about me being your lawyer, what do you think my job is?

4. "Marijuana should be legal." Maybe it should, maybe it shouldn't. But, it's not. So, just because you don't like the law doesn't mean that's going to get you out of the charges. Go talk to your legislators, get the law changed, and possess all the marijuana you want. In the meantime, it's still illegal.

5. "I know I did (whatever the charge is), but (someone else tangentially related to the case) did (crime), so why am I in trouble?"  Easy--you got caught.

6. "The cops didn't read me my rights, so this whole thing should be thrown out, right?" The caveat on this that while you should tell your public defender if the police didn't read you your rights, you should not finish that sentence with a assumption that that is an automatic get-out-of-jail-free card. That simply means whatever you said could be suppressed. That doesn't mean they don't have other evidence against you. It's not that easy.

7. "It's just a couple people saying I did that. They don't have any evidence. Let's go to trial." Psssst......at trial, when someone testifies, that counts as evidence. Evidence isn't just DNA and video and tangible things like that. So, when all 10 people testify that they saw you hit that guy with a bar stool, the State doesn't need to get surveillance camera footage from the bar.

8. "I need you to call me (this morning/this afternoon/today/before a certain time today/immediately/right away/before my court hearing today/etc.)."  Most public defenders are in court. A lot. Oftentimes, they are in court all day. If you call, it's extremely unlikely that you will get a phone call back the same day. If you know you won't be able to make it to court, don't call an hour before you're supposed to be there and expect your public defender to be in the office. They are already in court with other clients. When you call, just anticipate that it may take a few days to hear back and call ahead of your deadline.

9. "I have had (other public defender) before and they sucked!" Well, that may be true. But that's my co-worker who I probably get along with so I'm not going to bash them with you.

10. "You guys are bringing these charges against me/you're trying to say I violated probation/(any other statement that groups your public defender's purpose in with the state's or the court's purpose)."  Trust me, we're not connected. Yes  we are all parts of the justice system and yes, the government pays us our wages. But in Minnesota, the counties/cities pay the prosecutors and the state pays public defenders. We aren't working on their side. We don't share files (well the state technically gives us the contents of their files bc it's required by the discovery rules, but they don't share any notes or strategy with us). We aren't trying to get you.

11. "All public defenders are crap." Well, hi! It's nice to meet you too! That statement totally motivates me to work extra hard on your case...

12. "Are you a real attorney?" Yes. In what state is it not illegal to practice law without a law license (or in law school and being supervised by a licensed attorney)?

Ever feel like pulling the covers over your head and going back to bed?

That's kind of how I feel all the time lately. Like I just want to crawl up into bed and sleep the rest of my life. Don't bother waking me up.

Ninja!

I just wrapped up my third trial this summer with the same client. I had one in June, one in July, and one in August. I don't honestly know how I have been doing it, but it's getting done. Although not much else is getting done... I have been in a constant state of catch-up this summer.  This is my Year of the Trial.  I'm starting to wonder if I will end up winning the "Most Jury Trials of 2012" award this year at our annual PD meeting.
At the rate I'm going, I'm either going to be a kick-ass, super experienced trial ninja or I'll be in a persistent vegetative state after my brain turns to complete mush.

The next time someone says we aren't "real" attorneys, I'll just remind them of this:

Two public defenders' work on a case ledto the shutdown of drug testing at a crime lab in St. Paul because of shoddy practices and lack of procedures to ensure integrity of evidence/results.  The lab had been operating for awhile without the huge, glaring problems coming to light until these two started asking questions. As a result of their work and the subsequent testimony elicited at a hearing questioning the evidence in their client's case, the lab's drug testing was shut down by the police chief. Moreover, three counties that used this lab are now offering favorable plea deals to drug defendants that focus on treatment and not on incarceration. These two public defenders managed to assist not only their client, but all defendants with pending and future cases in the affected counties and their work will impact the way this lab operates from now on, ensuring that the integrity of the evidence being used against people is preserved and that convictions are based on solid, reliable evidence.
How's that for being a "real" lawyer?
Way to go, Christine Funk and Lauri Traub!

Pet Peeve of the Day:

When people I haven't spoken to for years send me a message on Facebook wanting me to help them w/ their legal issues.
1. The only area of law I actually know w/any level of proficiency is criminal. Not child support, not divorce, not real estate, not personal injury. I don't have any idea about other areas.
2. No, your five sentence summary of your problem is not nearly enough for me to help you, even if I could and/or wanted to.
3. When I go to work, I produce nothing. I make nothing, I create nothing, I have nothing tangible to sell, I do not produce goods of any kind. The only reason I get paid is to dispense legal advice. My advice and analysis of a case are my only commodity. As such, please don't expect me to do your case for free, especially when we haven't seen each other since middle school. I would guess you don't go up to your acquaintance who builds cabinets and ask him to make you a full set of cabinets for free. It's the same thing.
(Aside: #3 doesn't apply if you are my family).

I am such a Millenial...

On Friday, I misplaced my check card. I had exactly $9 in cash. My immediate reaction was thinking that I needed to cancel the card. Then, I thought to myself: "Crap. What am I going to do  until I get the replacement card? How will I pay for things? I guess I could use cash...but I only have $9! How am I supposed to get my money out of the bank?!"
Then, gradually, a small nugget of memory emerged from the time capsule of my childhood that is in my brain. Didn't my mom used to go inside the bank all the time? When a "check card" wasn't even a thing and everyone wrote checks...my foggy childhood memory seemed to recall standing in line @ the bank. The concept seems so foreign to me now that I almost didn't believe that it was a real experience I had. But as I though about it more, more memories of this mysterious "inside the bank" came to mind: pens on really long chains; those stretchy elastic barriers that made up the line people had to stand in; an island in the middle where people would stand and fill out little pieces of paper that they would hand to the person behind the counter... These things were real! I just had forgotten these days of yore. So, there HAD to be some way to go inside the bank and get my money.  Problem solved.
I lost my card on Friday. It took me until today to figure this out. Talk about being a product of my generation...

Where is my hoverboard?

So, if they can make pajama jeans, why can't they make pajamas business suits?

Life in bullet format

The apt is coming along slowly but surely. I get a little bit unpacked here and there as much as I can. It has been difficult to find time, but I try to do a little each day so at least something is getting done. I wish it would just magically be finished but oh well. I'm sure I will get everything unpacked about ten weeks before I have to move again.
Other events lately:
• Had my fifth trial this year. Lost. I'm on pace to have the most trials this year that I've ever had.
• YKW has been confusing and odd lately. First there was the recent statement from him that he likes talking to me and didn't ever really think about not talking with me (except for that time in December he told me not to talk to him...).  Now he has says that we may potentially hang out in the future and he doesn't see why not.  Really? I'm starting to be concerned that perhaps he has suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury since we separated, as I can think of about 9 months' worth of reasons why not. So, I don't know what that is all about. I find the whole thing rather stressful so I'm just going to continue to ignore it.
• I'm going camping in August. I'm excited. It's been like 3 yrs since I've gone camping, so it should be a nice time.
Yep, that's all I have for now.

It's too hot

The ridiculous heat lately is making it hard to do everything lately. I basically want to lay down in a room with sub-zero temperatures and get frostbite.  It's so hot and humid that when I'm outside, it feels like I'm breathing through a wet blanket.  It's gross. As I'm sure most everyone everywhere is thinking since the entire country appears to be having a heat wave of epic proportions.
And holy crap, wearing a business suit in this weather is terrible and cruel.  Suit fabrics, especially in northern states, aren't exactly lightweight and breathable. And the lining! Double layers in a suit jacket! Lining is never a breathable fabric! Ugh, it's like being wrapped in Saran Wrap all day. I'm hot and sweaty and uncomfortable all day when it's this hot.  I wish that there was a "too hot" exception to the suit jacket requirement. Even with the air conditioner on, it's still really hard to cool down after being outside and then having to wear a heat-trapping jacket.
I wonder if the dress code for court is more relaxed in states that are consistently hot year round. Like can you get away with a lightweight cardigan as as "jacket" in Hawaii or Arizona? Or a cute short sleeved jacket? Or no jacket at all as long as you're otherwise in business attire? How do people do it in southern states? Could a woman wear dressy capris? A sundress?
If I'm ever a judge, suit jackets will totally be optional if the temp hits 80° or more. If the heat index hits 100+ and I were a judge, there would be a good chance I wouldn't even be wearing pants under my robe.  I mean, the robe is kind of like a big sack dress anyway, right?

Well, this seems reasonable...

Effing A.

So that's happening now...

Just got back from Chi-town, visiting RV and her spawn and her husby.  I'm pretty proud of myself bc this time I taught Spawn to say, "I'm not a terrorist!" and "That sounds like communism!" Just for funsies. This is probably why it's a good thing I don't have kids. Although it was super adorable when I got there and Spawn saw me and jumped out of her chair, calling my name, and threw her tiny, midget arms around my legs in a hug. Awwwww...cute...she is super funny and adorable.

Hello, Hubert!

This is Hubert, the newest member of the family. He is one month old and polydactyl, meaning he has 6 toes on his front paws.
Ward has been super lonely since we lost Oscar. He cries and cries and clings to me like crazy. So, I figured it was probably a good idea to get him a new friend to help him not feel so lonely.  Everything I read said to get a kitten (not an older cat) to be a companion for a cat that has recently lost another cat.  Apparently an older cat can be seen as a threat/the reason the other cat is now gone, causing the remaining cat to fight with the older, new cat. So, although I never get kittens and always adopt older cats, the humane society had a few kittens so I went there to get one.
And so, we have Hubert now. Ward seems to be fascinated by him. He likes to lick him a lot and wants to follow him around. Hubert seems more interested in exploring the apt at the moment, although they did snuggle for a minute.
Hubert is so cute.  He's never gonna replace my big kitty Oscar, but at least he is cute and now Ward won't be so sad and lonely.

Reboot

I am finally starting to not feel like death.  Today I accomplished eating without immediately feeling like I was going to throw up, so that's an improvement. Having an upset stomach is pretty much the worst thing ever, so I'm glad I'm finally feeling like I am not always ready to puke. I am hopeful I'll feel well enough to go to work tomorrow. I was sick on Thursday and Friday, as well as today (plus all weekend but I don't have to call my boss to tell her I'm sick on a weekend).

I swear, I'm not an episode of "Hoarders..."

It just really looks that way at the moment bc I have to figure out where things are going to go in the new place.
But I'm still not feeling well at all, so I was barely able to do anything more than locate where a fresh set of sheet were in this mess, put them on the bed, and collapse.  I'm so exhausted from being sick and stressed and sad and grieving and having to pack and to move stuff that I can barely think straight anymore.
And poor Ward! I thought he was going to have an aneurysm or something. This poor cat was already freaking out bc Oscar is gone. He kept wanting me to hold and cuddle him ever since Thursday. Then today, when a whole ton of Mormon guys showed up to move all my stuff, Ward was totally tweaking. I had to put him in the cat carrier until the move was over and he was not happy one bit about that. And then when the move was over, he kept running around and crying the most pathetic, sad, confused meows ever. He was so miserable.  Poor stressed out kitty lost his best bud and his home all at the same time.
Once I got the bed set up, he seemed to do a bit better.  It was somewhere familiar for him and I laid down with him for a few minutes after it was set up so he could see that I was still there, too. Bed and me, his two favorite things. Well, I might actually come after food, so two of his three favorite things...
And now, more feeling horrible and ill and wishing my things would just put themselves in place so I won't have to do it whenever I feel better/have time. But at least I've got the bed set up so I have a place to lay down while I am sick.

It's Moving Day

Just like in "The Secret of NIMH." Minus the deadly tractor.
I hate moving. I hate this move especially, since I'm down two family members in this move. What a crapper...
But I'm trying to convince myself this is my fresh start, time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life as a young, (still not technically but might as well be for all intents and purposes) single, professional lady, blazing a trail and all that other feel-good empowerment crap.  We will see if I can make myself believe that.
And I'm off, to haul the multiple boxes of my life to the new apt that will be the first apt I have ever lived in all by myself for the entire time. It's definitely going to be a different experience.

Poor Ward...

He has been so confused without Oscar around. He keeps wandering around, looking for him, and going to all the spots in the house where Oscar used to sleep or hang out. He keeps trying to find him and then when he can't, he will meow a little and go lay on something that Oscar used to always lay on. And he has been super clingy lately, like when I woke up this morning and found him curled up next to my tummy (see photo).  Poor guy has never lived in the apt without Oscar here, so I'm sure he is lonely without his best bud. I'm not sure how he will deal with things when I am gone at work all day and he is all alone.
At least I am moving this weekend, so Ward will be in a new environment after losing his buddy.  Then maybe he won't miss him so much bc he won't be able to go look for him in all his normal spots.
Poor guy...too bad I can't just explain to  him what happened. Instead, he just lost his best friend and doesn't know where he went or when he is coming back.  Poor Wardy...

I had to see YKW yesterday and today

The move is this weekend, so he came to pick up the last few of his items that were still at my apt and to help with some of the clean-up that is required in order to get the security deposit back.

I found Oscar literally minutes before YKW called to tell me that he was outside, ready to be let in. I was bawling like crazy about Oscar (who was actually Hat's first cat that he had ever owned and who convinced Hat that he was actually a cat person even though he shears said he wasn't).  YKW was actually very great about the whole situation. He wrapped him up in a towel and let me hold him and he hugged me a few times while I cried and held Oscar one more time. He got a box to put him in and I needed to bring Oscar over to my mom's (where he is going to be buried on Monday after I am done moving and she is back from camping).  He offered to stay and clean while I went to my mom's, but the thought of doing this terribly sad task on my own made me cry even harder and I said, "I can't. I can't do it by myself. Not this..." So without hesitation, he carefully picked up the box and said, "Ok, let's take care of him, then."  He rode with me, holding onto Oscar's box, and talked to me about work and his family and my family and our friends, about anything other than my poor kitty. He was actually very kind and caring about the whole situation, especially since we haven't talked really at all since December and now suddenly he was having to help me deal with this crisis situation.

Then, we got back to the apt and he helped me clean and pack up some of my stuff that I haven't had enough time to get packed up. It was actually not awkward or uncomfortable like I was worried it would be. We just kind of chatted about things that we had been doing in the last few months and avoided any serious conservation. He asked me about where I was moving to a few times in a few different ways and I just said I was staying in the same general area without giving any real details.

He came back over today to continue with the cleaning and again was very kind about Oscar. I think he could probably tell from my face that I had cried quite a bit last night, because my eyes were really swollen (a side effect of crying that I have always had and I usually have to put ice on them if I'm going anywhere and need to de-puff) and I had huge bags under my eyes. He right away asked if I was doing okay today and I just said I was okay. He then asked if I was dealing with Oscar's death okay and I just shrugged and said I was coping with it. And then we moved on and cleaned and packed and avoided anymore Oscar-talk bc I had clearly been crying about it. 

Things went fine again today. No serious topics discussed again, chit chatted, etc and packed and cleaned. He had to work, so he left in the late afternoon. Before he left, we took a break from all the work we had been doing and  sat on the couch and Ward cuddled with him for a while. Ward has been a bit lost without Oscar, so he has been pretty clingy and wanting to cuddle a lot. And he always loved Hat a lot, so he was happy to see him and wanted to be by him the whole time he was here.

Things went fine, YKW was very helpful and did a lot of work on the apt, and it wasn't awkward or weird, like I thought it might be. He offered to come over on Sunday morning if I needed help still on Sunday.  So, depending on how much I can get done between now and then, I may still need his help on Sunday, but I'm hoping that I will be all set by then.

So, that's that, I guess.

I miss my kitty

I'm going to miss my big guy so much

Oscar died today.
I'm heartbroken.

In bad news...

I have felt sick to my stomach for the last two days. I keep trying to tell myself that I feel better, but I really don't. Tums isn't helping. Pepto bismal isn't helping. Laying on my stomach helps a bit but not much. Not moving also seems to help a bit too.
It's both rolling around and also occasional stabbing pain. So that is miserable feeling. I also keep burping all the time, which makes me feel better for about 30 seconds and then the rolling returns. And my tummy is all swollen and bloaty. It's like the worst case of indigestion + gas + bloating + stabbing pain for no apparent reason all put together. It's pretty much the suckiest illness ever. I'll take a cold or sore throat any day.
I have a couple of co-workers who have also been having tummy troubles lately, so I think there must be something going around the office. Whoever brought this in is cursed in my heart. Stomach issues were the worst. I am not happy about this at all. Stupid stomach ache.
Ugh...I'm hoping I will feel better tomorrow... So far, it hasn't improved but I figure it has to start getting better soon...right??

Check out my sweet nails!

Time for a product review! It's been awhile since I've done one of these, so it's long overdue.
Two Saturdays ago, I tried out Sally Hansen Salon Effects Real Nail Polish Strips. I went for pink and brown argyle, bc I figured, hey why the heck not? They also have normal shades as well, but who wants that?

Talk about highway robbery!

Apparently, there were some problems with attorneys not getting the first statement about needing to register this year, so the Clerk of the Appellate Courts Office sent them all again.  That's when I realized that I was one of those that hadn't gotten the first statement. Awesome.
So, I now have until July 1 to cough up $329 to be able to keep my license from getting suspended. Last year, I was still getting the discounted rate for being licensed for less than three years. I didn't realize how much it would be this year. Cripes, what a racket...
Well, it's a good thing we public defenders make soooooooo much money that I just have $329 laying around...oh, wait, never mind. No, I don't.
So that's gonna be fun trying to get that together now. Sigh...

Whew! Support staff to the rescue!

Made it through two very tough, very busy days in court yesterday and today. Between the two days, I had 45 hearings--24 on Tuesday and 21 today. I think that might be like 1/3 of my entire caseload right there!
Thankfully, the court staff was awesome and helpful and I had assistance from our office on both days. Without both the court staff and my co-workers, I don't know that I would have ever managed to make it through all those cases!

Holy smokes...

Stopped by the office late yesterday evening to grab whatever files I had scheduled for today. That's when I realized I have 23 hearings on today. And 21 tomorrow.
Holy balls, that's a lot of hearings in two days.

Ben Franklin knows what I'm talking about

My recent win of my suppression motion that resulted in a dismissal of 14 felony counts has been met with uncertainty from some of my friends and family. Most frequently, people ask me something along the lines of whether the dismissal is really a good thing and/or if I'm actually happy that the defendant "gets off" on 14 counts.
My answer to that is a pretty solid "YES." Here's why I say yes, and why anyone who thinks otherwise should reconsider.

Yay, I won!

I checked on a motion I had in before trial/vacation that I figured the judge's order would come out when I was gone on vacation and saw that it had. And that I won! The evidence was suppressed and as a result, 14 felony counts were dismissed!! I'm really excited! This is definitely my biggest pretrial win of my short legal career.  I had 4 different arguments and the court agreed with three of them, which was neat to see that. It's cool when the courts agree with my arguments, because then I feel like I might actually know what I'm doing! Lolz!

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

Well, we are traveling home today. Won't be in until pretty late tonight, which doesn't include the hour we lose switching from mountain time back to central time.  It was a wonderful vacation and really neat to get to see so many excellent sites and gorgeous scenery.  I got to add three magnets to my refrigerator magnet collection (that's my thing--I collect magnets from every place I go each time I go there, one for each trip. I don't currently have very many, but I hope that eventually I will have more) and I got to spend time with my good friends. It was really nice and it was cool to do things I've never been able to do before!
But it's back to reality when I get home. And by "reality," I mean a trip to the doctor's office, a long weekend of packing my entire apartment into boxes to prepare to move in about two weeks, and cleaning my entire apartment before moving out. Blech. I have to do that intense, super-deep-cleaning that is required when you move out of a place...oven, vacuum every nook and cranny, clean the fridge, defrost the freezer and clean that... This is the part I hate the most about moving. It takes at least a few days and a couple of very generous friends to get everything done that is required. It's so exhausting. So, once I get back to Minnesota, it's a long weekend of that! Yay... I took a couple days off work in order to get everything done because I'll be doing most of it on my own. Normally, YKW would be around to help me pack and the job would go much faster, but it's just me so it's going to take a few days...sigh. I hate moving... Oh well. It must be done.

My visit to a hot spring was basically what I expected...

Today is our last day on vacation.  We decided to go visit a hot springs nearby.  The guide online said that it was an "easy" walk down to the hot springs from the parking area.  The online guide was a filthy liar.  It was very rocky and full of pointy boulders on the way down.  The "path" wasn't so much a path as it was a series of semi-clear spots in between pointy boulders.  I was wearing sandals, as was my friend.  This made the "easy" walk trek of death even more difficult since sandals are generally not conducive to scaling cliff faces. 

Did I mention I'm terrified of heights?

Did I also mention that if you slipped, you would roll down the side of the rock face hundreds and hundreds of feet, severely breaking every bone in your body, before finally smashing into the Rio Grande?

Yep.

Next stop...

Taos, New Mexico!
I'm pretty excited. I love my friends for inviting me along on this trip.
This has been a tough last 10 months to live through, but things like this make me realize that even with the sadness and bad things that have occurred, I'm very blessed in many ways.  Having friends who are thoughtful enough to invite me along to help keep my spirits up, having a job where I can take time off for vacations, having the financial ability to save up some money to go on this trip, and being able to see this beautiful, breathtaking area of the world are just a few of the ways I've been blessed even in times of great sadness.  Recognizing these things makes it easier to pass through the dark times in life.  Plus, it's hard to feel sad when I'm surrounded by such incredible beauty in such a majestic place. I'm more relaxed and stress-free than I have been in the last 10 months.  I definitely needed to get away and be in a place where it's impossible for me to feel sad.
This is the first time in 10 months I've felt really truly happy, really content with things. I'd forgotten how wonderful that feels. Even if it doesn't last, even if the sadness creeps back in once I get home, I'm very grateful for being able to feel that contentment and happiness for right now.  Because at least I know it's possible to feel that way again, something I wasn't sure of before.

I'm here

Mesa Verde National Park.
Breathtaking.

Crap

Guilty.
Sonofabitch.

I'm tired

I'm in the middle of a trial this week.
I'm pooped and it's only Tuesday. Whew...
If anyone invents a 30 hour day, please let me know. I could use the extra time.

I love this

It's from a movie but I really liked it.
"Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end."

Yep. There it is. That's why.

I had a sentencing hrg at the beginning of May for a client who I had lost at trial with. We were asking for a departure and my staff and I had put in a lot of work into it. We ultimately didn't win (although the judge did tell me after the hrg that it was a really nice presentation, which was really awesome) and my client was sent to prison.

Don't Expect to Come to my Book Signing or Anything

I've decided that I think I'm funny enough to write a book of comedic memoirs, a la David Sedaris and others. Why not, right? You guys read this and this is just my brain vomiting things out, often without even proofreading it. And I usually stick with present-day events, meaning no one ever gets to hear all the amazing stories that occurred in my life before I started blogging in 2004 and/or before I took down the archives from my blog over a year ago (sorry, newcomers...).

Made it out alive!

I made it through Sad Week last week. I was very relieved to have RV there to help keep my mind off things. I don't think I would have gotten through it without her being there. Between her and her super  adorable 3 1/2 year old girl, I had plenty of company to get me through most of the week. She ended up having to go back home on Wednesday, instead of staying the whole week (like originally planned) so it was a bit more difficult to get through the rest of the week (which probably explains my lack of motivation to get things done on Thursday, since RV wasn't there to keep me distracted anymore and then I got super depressed and couldn't get my crap together till Saturday. But, I was actually productive on Saturday so I managed to shake it off).
So, I managed to make it through with only minimal tears and I actually had a lot of fun with RV. I miss her a lot and it's always awesome to see her and her family. I'm really blessed to have such amazing friends and family to help me through this stuff. I'd be a total mess without them.
Now that I've survived Sad Week, I'm looking forward to not have any milestones to dread. No birthday without YKW, no anniversary... Just summertime. It's nice not to have this looming date that I know will be really difficult waiting for me in the future. 
The weather is gorgeous, my plants are growing, I've figured out my housing stuff...here's hoping that things are finally starting to look less bleak for me.
And even if they don't, I've still always got the cats...

Here's What I Don't Get...

Nude pantyhose.
Why? Why even bother? It's not like nylons are the epitome of comfort. If it just looks like your leg, then why  wear them? I mean, at least the tan ones make it look like you aren't all pastey, but, nude? Really? Why are those even a thing?
Seriously. I've never understood this.
And do not even get me started on nylons with open-toed shoes... That should be a felony punishable by having Clint and Stacy from What Not to Wear judge you on your poor fashion choices.

This is why I am not really great at being a grown-up

Yesterday, here were my thoughts:
"Tomorrow, I will get up before 9:00, do all the errands I haven't had time to do lately, make sure to get my oil changed finally, and have everything wrapped up by like 5:00 p.m. Then I will make a great, healthy dinner and go for a walk after dinner."
Today, I woke up at 9:35. I ate breakfast. I haven't changed out of my pajamas. I haven't gotten my oil changed. I did nothing that I told myself that I would do.
The day wasn't a total loss, though. I DID manage to watch like 7 episodes of shows that I have had on my DVR for months.

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp

For realz...

That's What Friends Are For

My third anniversary is this Tuesday. I can't tell if it makes it better or worse that we are still technically married...
To make it through Sad Week, I took time off work so I wouldn't end up crying in court (that would be awkward) and my BFFE RV is coming into town today. She is staying till Thursday. She and her hilarious three year old are going to distract me.
On Tuesday, I got us super awesome seats at the Twins game. I figure this is a perfect cover for the saddest day of Sad Week, because if I'm crying at the game, everyone will assume I'm crying because the Twins are doing so horribly this year it's not even funny!  No one will ever guess I'm crying for some other reason.
And I get to teach the little ankle-biter all sorts of awesome things. When I visited over Thanksgiving, I taught her to brush her shoulder while saying, "Brush ya shoulder off" a la Jay-Z and to make a diamond with her fingers over her head and shout, "HOV!!" like Jay-Z.  Then, less than a week later, guess who happened to go into the restaurant where RV works and sat at one of her tables? I shit you not: Jay-Z and Beyonce (RV snapped a photo of the credit card reciept {minus the actual credit card numbers} to show me the signature line that read "Knowles/Beyonce" under it because I told her she was a liar and there was no way they were actually there). I am like some magic summoner of celebrities, apparently. I teach this child famous catch phrases of celebrities and then, WHAM, they appear within days.
So now the question is, who do I want to meet and what is that person known for saying that I can easily teach a three year old to mimic...? Hmmm... As Ursula the Sea Witch once said, "Life's full of tough choices in it."
Yeah, once I start quoting "The Little Mermaid," it's time to end the post.
Later, gators.

So far, pottery class is nothing like that scene in "Ghost" but it's still fun.

I've been taking a pottery class for like 12 weeks now, since the end of February.  That has translated into me having a ridiculous number of pots.  So, I've just given them away to people so that way my house isn't cluttered with a billion clay items.  And they seem to make people really happy to have them, even when I think they look like crap or are all wonky.  People seem really excited to have things that are handmade, even if they aren't all that awesome. 

Here is some of the stuff I've made: 

Isn't there a Mulligan for your life?

I have never wanted so badly to get into my car and just drive away.  I worked super hard when I was younger so that life would be easier and happier when I got older but that didn't exactly work out.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things.  Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in.  The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else.  I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything.  I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant.  I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing.  It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.

Lamest Weekend Ever

So, because I have like 20 minutes of actual in-my-office time during the week, I got to spend my entire weekend working on things that I didn't have time to during the work weeks. That translated into me being at the office until 10:30 p.m. on Friday, 10:00 p.m. on Saturday, and then 9:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Yay!
And the sad part is that despite working all weekend long, I only tackled two cases. I wrote a brief on a suppression motion for one case and a sentencing memo on another. And visited one client who is jail.
I should win on both of those, based solely on the fact that I worked so damn hard on them. Courts should at least give out gold stars or "E for effort" or something.  Busting my butt and then losing sucks (although as a PD, if not unfamiliar).  A sweet gold star sticker to wear on my lapel would totally help.  I'd absolutely give out gold stars if I were a judge! Along with requiring the men ti wear monocles.
Man, why am I not a judge? My courtroom would be so much fun. Gold stars, monocles, theme music, nap time...like a 1900s daycare.

Ugh

I am starting to understand why people burn out in public defense. Things have been substantially more difficult since the start of the year for a number of reasons. Having back to back trials right after getting back from vacation meant I started January off being crazy far behind. I don't think I've been able to entirely catch up. I've had to do misdemeanor cases along with felony cases and the volume of misdemeanor cases is always high no matter where you work. I got assigned a high maintenance, although not annoying or frustrating, client who has multiple felony cases that are fairly complicated. And it seems that, in general, my front cases in the last few months have been more complicated than normal, with much more work and investigation needed than normal. Plus, I've had an extreme uptick in contested omnibus issues (non-lawyers, this means I've had an uptick in cases that have potentially problematic evidence issues that we are trying to get thrown out for some legal reason).  Those hearings are often like mini-trials, with witnesses giving testimony, and they are longer than uncontested hearings. Plus, I've obviously been dealing with the emotional fallout of YKW's departure, which means that somedays, just getting out of bed and forcing myself not to cry all day is a monumental task.
So all these things have combined to make work over the last few months pretty overwhelming. Maybe it's just that I'm overly sensitive right now but it certainly feels more intense than it ever has been. I'm having to request continuances because I haven't had time to prepare, which I really haven't had to do very often for the last year or so. I hate doing that. Hate, hate, hate it. It makes the court cranky, makes the prosecutors cranky, and makes me look like crap to my client.  What kind of professional shows up and says, "Sorry, we need to reschedule because I am not ready."  Can you imagine if you showed up for surgery and your surgeon said that?! So I hate asking for continuance because I'm not prepared.  But if I'm not able to get to things, there isn't any other option. But it's stressful.
I am feeling very worn out and like it doesn't matter how much I try, I can't catch up so it's pointless to even try. I'm still trying to stay on top of everything but I definitely feel like I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
I need a clone of myself.
Ugh.