Isn't there a Mulligan for your life?

I have never wanted so badly to get into my car and just drive away.  I worked super hard when I was younger so that life would be easier and happier when I got older but that didn't exactly work out.
Life is neither easier nor happier for me. In fact, I think it's now harder and sadder than it ever has been. Which seems unfair, since I could have been unhappy without putting in so much effort to try to change things.  Why did I do all the hard work again?
I'm 29, (basically) divorced (I'm assuming I'll get served with papers any day now), riddled with health problems such as hypothyroidism and narcolepsy, struggling financially, and living in an area I don't want to live in.  The only thing that actually seemed to turn out was getting a job as a public defender, but even that has not really turned out to be what I'd hoped it would.
I used to really enjoy my job and got a lot of satisfaction out of it, even when it was stressful. But lately, I just find it stressful and overwhelming. I rarely feel much else.  I feel guilty sometimes, just to add something new to the mix, bc I can't get to everyone who needs me. But satisfaction is sorely lacking in recent months.
Probably it's due in part to being unhappy in general, but I think part of it is just the crushing caseload and the insufficient resources and the feeling like I am not able to do enough because I'm spread so thin and there are only so many hours in a day.
Plus, I almost always expect to lose on everything.  I don't think I should lose on everything but I expect to. I mean, I've got the defendant.  I get that. I don't have any delusions about that. But, it does cross my mind when I'm at the office at 10:30 at night working on something that this effort and time is likely going to result in nothing.  It's not particularly motivating, although it doesn't deter me from continuing to put in my all. It's just a depressing realization to have. Of course, on the occasions that I do win, it's extra awesome because I didn't expect it. But that isn't the usual outcome.
So between the personal life crap and the grinding machine of work, I'm pretty much ready to phone it in. Pack a bag, hop in the car, and disappear. I can change my name to Regina and start a new life as a fun, cocky, and street-smart drifter. I sense a delightfully light-hearted sitcom here... NBC, call me.

Lamest Weekend Ever

So, because I have like 20 minutes of actual in-my-office time during the week, I got to spend my entire weekend working on things that I didn't have time to during the work weeks. That translated into me being at the office until 10:30 p.m. on Friday, 10:00 p.m. on Saturday, and then 9:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Yay!
And the sad part is that despite working all weekend long, I only tackled two cases. I wrote a brief on a suppression motion for one case and a sentencing memo on another. And visited one client who is jail.
I should win on both of those, based solely on the fact that I worked so damn hard on them. Courts should at least give out gold stars or "E for effort" or something.  Busting my butt and then losing sucks (although as a PD, if not unfamiliar).  A sweet gold star sticker to wear on my lapel would totally help.  I'd absolutely give out gold stars if I were a judge! Along with requiring the men ti wear monocles.
Man, why am I not a judge? My courtroom would be so much fun. Gold stars, monocles, theme music, nap time...like a 1900s daycare.

Ugh

I am starting to understand why people burn out in public defense. Things have been substantially more difficult since the start of the year for a number of reasons. Having back to back trials right after getting back from vacation meant I started January off being crazy far behind. I don't think I've been able to entirely catch up. I've had to do misdemeanor cases along with felony cases and the volume of misdemeanor cases is always high no matter where you work. I got assigned a high maintenance, although not annoying or frustrating, client who has multiple felony cases that are fairly complicated. And it seems that, in general, my front cases in the last few months have been more complicated than normal, with much more work and investigation needed than normal. Plus, I've had an extreme uptick in contested omnibus issues (non-lawyers, this means I've had an uptick in cases that have potentially problematic evidence issues that we are trying to get thrown out for some legal reason).  Those hearings are often like mini-trials, with witnesses giving testimony, and they are longer than uncontested hearings. Plus, I've obviously been dealing with the emotional fallout of YKW's departure, which means that somedays, just getting out of bed and forcing myself not to cry all day is a monumental task.
So all these things have combined to make work over the last few months pretty overwhelming. Maybe it's just that I'm overly sensitive right now but it certainly feels more intense than it ever has been. I'm having to request continuances because I haven't had time to prepare, which I really haven't had to do very often for the last year or so. I hate doing that. Hate, hate, hate it. It makes the court cranky, makes the prosecutors cranky, and makes me look like crap to my client.  What kind of professional shows up and says, "Sorry, we need to reschedule because I am not ready."  Can you imagine if you showed up for surgery and your surgeon said that?! So I hate asking for continuance because I'm not prepared.  But if I'm not able to get to things, there isn't any other option. But it's stressful.
I am feeling very worn out and like it doesn't matter how much I try, I can't catch up so it's pointless to even try. I'm still trying to stay on top of everything but I definitely feel like I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
I need a clone of myself.
Ugh.

Cue the violins

I finally got around to seeing "The Hunger Games" this week.  Am I the only one who noticed that Gale looks almost exactly like Joe Mauer?

Uh...weird... I think I'm looking at the same person...and the more I look at them, the more I'm convinced I'm looking at the same person.  Weird!

At any rate, that's not the only I'm thinking about lately.  Although it's still creeping me out...

It's my birthday today

YKW didn't bother to even acknowledge it. I didn't even get a text or email saying happy birthday from him.
Ouch.

My Phone Hates Me

Text from my friend: Are you coming to church today? Should I save you a seat?
Me: Yes! On my way now!
Me: Where are you shitting?
Me: SITTING! OMG, SITTING!!
Friend: Hahahahaha!
Friend: In the back.
Me: I'm going hell for texting that to you while you're in church.
Me: Left or right dude?
Me: SIDE. Left or right SIDE. Dang it...
Friend: I'm laughing so hard I'm shaking right now. We are on the left dude.

"...where everybody knows your name..."

I had another client today tell me that he had heard about me before becoming my client.  This one was a bit of a surprise because he isn't from the area where I work and where my clients are from, but he had still somehow heard about me. He even told me that he was from "far away" and that he had still heard about me.  And, like most of the clients who tell me things like this, he wanted to know when I was going to open my own firm.  This question always makes me chuckle a little, as if being a competent attorney and being a public defender are mutually exclusive.  The clients also seem to miss the obvious point that if I ever did open a firm, I wouldn't be a public defender anymore, which means they would not be able to have me as their attorney. 

I was bet surprised that this client had heard of me.  I have become aware of the fact that the clients in my area are often familiar with me/my name because it's a small area and the same groups of people are often in the system. And if they are in jail, they all talk, of course. So I did know that I've somehow gotten a reputation among the people in my area.  But it was very surprising to hear that people who aren't in my area have heard of me. That thought had never even occurred to me.

I don't agree that I'm somehow better than other public defenders, although some clients have told me otherwise. I think this is more of an illusion than anything else. I think two factors about me that I can't change cause people to think I'm better than I actually am. One, I'm the youngest PD we have. And I have been told that I look younger than I really am. Two, I'm a chick. I don't think people expect much from their deceptively-young-looking female attorney, so if I do anything competently, they perceive that to be outstanding. I still get asked how long I've been a lawyer and when I graduated school, so I think people must initially think the brand-new, completely inexperienced PD got assigned to their case. The bar is set so low for me, anything I do is above and beyond what was expected.

I don't do remarkable work on cases. I'm not on the front lines of novel legal arguments; I'm not feared by the opposition; I don't raise new or unexplored issues of law; I don't have some headliner case under my belt... I show up, probably a little haggard, talk to my client for a bit, and in 99.99% of cases, I get a deal for the client and help my client plead guilty to something. In almost 2 years of felony work, I've only had 5 trials and 5 contested hearings (although I have filed more than 5 motions, but I usually am able to get a deal that negates the need for the hearing). I really don't do anything magical or amazing or incredibly legally skilled. The reputation has to come from low expectations of public defenders in general combined with my age and gender. There is nothing I do that sets me apart from other attorneys or other public defenders. I'm just run of the mill.  I honestly don't know where clients  get the idea I'm some legal powerhouse. I mean, I'm glad my clients are happy, but I don't think they would be any less happy with a different public defender.

I suppose eventually the hype will wear off when I no longer look like the baby in the courthouse and people realize I'm just an average attorney.  In the meantime, it's very strange to have become widely known among those accused of crimes.  Strange demographic to become well-known in...

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

My birthday is next Monday. Normally, I love my birthday. It's a day where I get to be extra special for the day. I have always enjoyed my birthday.
But this year, I'm having trouble mustering much enthusiasm for it.  I can't help but remember last year, when Hat surprised me with a sewing box filled with new sewing items.  It was an incredibly thoughtful gift (he has always been a really good gift giver) and really touched me.  He has even picked out thread for me in a variety of colors.
This year, I'm doubtful I'll even get a cursory text or email from him saying "happy birthday." Instead of a fun filled Saturday, I get a work filled Monday. I have zero plans for my birthday.
And I'm going to be 29. I realize that this is not very old. But it's the oldest I've ever been and it feels old bc it's my last year of my twenties.
Ugh.

Trial #3 tomorrow

Trial number 3 for 2012 starts tomorrow.  It's a misdemeanor DWI case.  I think it will be relatively quick, which is the benefit of misdemeanor trials.  They tend to be much shorter in duration than felony trials.  And there are only 6 people on the jury, which means jury selection is faster, too.  


I think I'm on track to outpace the number of trials I had in all of last year.  It's only April and I'm already at #3 for the year.  I had three total in all of last year.  So, if in the next 8 months I have another trial (which I definitely will, since I've got a number of cases that are on track for trial), then I beat all of last year's trial record.  Whew...


I've also definitely outpaced the contested omnibus hearings from last year.  Last year I had three of them.  This year, I've already had six, with two more still scheduled for this month. 


I'm a contesting-things machine lately.  

Building Client Relationships 101

I flipped off one of my clients today. To his face.

That's a great lead-in, isn't it?! It's not really as shocking as it sounds, though.

I've had this client for nine months and will have him for at least another month. I've had two trials with him. Trials always involve spending a significant amount of time with the client to prep, so doing two trials means I've spent quite a lot of time with him.  He has always been friendly and polite and respectful.  I actually like this client and he has been one of the best clients I've worked with. He also has a dry sense of humor and likes to say things just to see what my reaction will be and/or poke fun at me.  I have a similar sense of humor, although I don't generally crack jokes with my clients. 

I met with him today for a few hours to work on stuff.  After he teased me about something, I flipped him off in response.  He thought that was pretty funny.  I guess most lawyers don't flip off their clients. 

Some people might call flipping off a client inappropriate.  I like to call it "rapport building."

Welcome to the Dark Side

We have a new contract attorney in the office.  She's delightful.  The best part is that she used to be a prosecutor...like until about three days before starting with us.
Best quote from her so far? After.talking to her about my client, she said,,"He has so many good things going for him. Jail won't help him...I can't believe that just came out of my mouth..."
Ha! Awesome.

I promise I'm right on this one...

Actual conversation I had:

Woman (to me): Ok, so Mormons can't drink what now?

Me: Alcohol, coffee, and tea.

Man (to me): And pop, right? You can't drink pop. (aside--for any of you non-Minnesota folk, pop is our term for "soda," so he was asking me if Mormons couldn't drink soda)

Me: No, that's not true. We can drink pop.

Man (looking at me like I was very, terribly, sadly misinformed): Uhhhh, no, that's true. Mormons can't drink pop.

Me (sighing inwardly): Yes, we can. Some Mormons CHOOSE not to drink pop. It's not a religious doctrine or anything.

Man (dubiously): Are you sure??

Me (sighing inwardly again): Yes...I'm sure...I am Mormon, I would hope I know what I'm talking about.

...does this happen to non-Mormons ever? Like are people going around saying, "Oh you are Catholic? You guys aren't allowed to sleep on your left side. No, that is too true.  I heard that once from a guy I knew whose sister one time lived next door to some Catholics...are you SURE you can sleep on your left side? Where did you get your information from? Are you POSITIVE?? Well, I guess..."

Trust me, people, when I tell you that I can or can't do something. I mean, not to toot my own horn or whatever, but if I'm Mormon and you're not, I think it's a safe bet that I'm probably going to know more about it than you...

Yes, I drink Coke. No, I'm not going to hell for it.

And yes, I can also wear make-up, dance, celebrate my birthday, participate in major holidays, vote Democratic, and not support Mitt Romney.

Ok, I think that about covers it.

Winner, winner...

...chicken dinner!!

Just found out this week that I won my contested motion on three files.  Suh-weet.  It was one motion that was covering three files and I ended up winning in all three files and successfully had statements made during an interrogation of my client in those files suppressed.  Score!  Even though it was essentially just one hearing/one issue, I'm going to count it as three separate wins since it's three files' statements being suppressed.  That makes my contested omnibus record 4 out of 5.  Not too shabby.  Granted, it helps that my prosecutors are usually willing to discuss things I think may be omnibus issues and adjust their offers if needed, meaning we often don't need to actually contest many issues, but I'm also going to say it's because I'm kicking a$$ and taking names.  Because that makes me feel good about my lawyering skillz.

Can someone please deal with this so I don't have to?

This is my inbox. The stuff on top is all the new stuff that has come in over the last week.
Seriously??
There's so much crap to go through that I am overwhelmed just looking at it. 
So, that's why sometimes I'm behind on stuff for work...because that greets me every week and I've got to somehow find time to deal with it in between being in court all day.
Is it too late to become a trophy wife??

Well, nevermind...

So, after much debating on my part and weighing of the potential pros and cons, I finally settled on Option B, living in an apartment closer to work.  I thought this might be a needed change of scenery for me.  Unfortunately, YKW still works at the restaurant that is literally 2 minutes away from my apartment, meaning that EVERY TIME I LEAVE MY APARTMENT I have to see it and be reminded of him.  So, even if I'm not thinking about him at the moment, suddenly, WHAM, there's his work and oooooh, yeah... So, I thought that, even though I don't necessarily want to live that far away from my friends and family, changing scenery might be a smart move...

Things Fall Apart

I've been really trying to stay above the ocean of despair, depression, and bitterness that I'm currently swimming in. I am trying to stay afloat and not get overwhelmed. But things seem to continue to pile up and pile on. I'm running on empty and I'm feeling incredibly haggard.
I'm still hurting from being carelessly tossed aside by my husband and still trying to deal with the emotional trauma of that whole ordeal.  That alone should be more than enough for one person to deal with. But on top of that, work has been just running me into the ground since the first of the year. I had to total up what I did from Feb. 14 through about March 23 and I had 92 court hearings, including 5 contested omnibus hearings, and three briefs due within 18 days of each other. One due on Feb. 28, one on March 5, and the last due on March 16.  So work has taken on a whole new level of grueling. 
The combination of heartache and being run into the ground at work has bleed over into almost every other aspect of my life. I'm more tired than I normally am; I am frequently later in paying bills bc I've been forgetting to pay them bc my brain is in such a fog; my house is a disaster zone that I never have time or energy to clean except the very minimal, basic things.  I rarely have time to actually go grocery shopping, instead stopping at the Target on my way home from work to grab some milk, cereal, and Totino's party pizzas.
Then of course there is the problem of my finances being a hot mess, since I can't afford to cover all the bills I'm stuck with on my own. So that is another stressor to deal with. And it appears that my Option A living arrangement is now unlikely to pan out, since I have cats. So, that kind of just fell totally apart rather suddenly.
I'm trying as hard as I can to keep trudging along and not let myself get totally overcome by despair but I am not sure how much more strength I've got in me. I feel like I'm coming undone.
People have told me that I'm handling things well but the truth is that I'm really not handling things well. I'm just really good at putting up a convincing facade. I pretend like I'm fine, I pretend like I can laugh and have fun and be carefree and that at the end of the day, I'm content with my life. It's all one enormous lie. I'm not okay in any way. I'm just a skilled actor.
I'm miserable, I'm unhappy, I'm scared about what will happen, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I'm feeling defeated. I can barely drag myself out of bed on some days. I go home from work with just enough time to eat something, crawl into bed and do crossword puzzles to keep my mind off the pain I'm dealing with until I pass out.
Supposedly things will get better. That's what everyone keeps telling me. But I have yet to see any improvement. The only difference between now and when my life first exploded is that I'm better at lying about how I'm doing and I'm better at hiding how I'm really feeling.
But other than that, nothing has changed. Things just keep falling apart and as a result, I'm falling apart.

"We All Live in a Yellow Submarine"

I'm trying to decide where I should move once my lease is up at the end of July. My options are a) remain in the same city I am now or b) move to a town closer to work.
Option B is an apt that a friend of Golf's is renting out. He is specifically looking for a "young professional." Hey, that's me! And the apartment is GORGEOUS! And way cheap for what it has. If I took Option B, I would only move into that specific apartment.
Option A is to stay in my current city and stay in an as-of-yet-unknown apartment. There aren't a lot of spots in this area ti rent. Everyone buys. I can't afford that nor do I want to buy anything right now since that's very permanent and who knows what I'll be doing in a year or so. So my renting options are limited.
The pros and cons of the two options are the exact inverse of each other. Essentially, Option A keeps me closer to my family, my friends, and the metro area. Since I'm a city girl, that's a big plus. I also get to stay on my same church ward. The ward has been incredibly supportive of me during this whole ordeal so that's also important. However, Option A means renting some place that either sucks for amenities or is too expensive for me. Call me a snob, but I worked my butt off in school to get ahead and I do not want to go back to schlepping my laundry to the laundry room or laundromat. I did that when I was poor as a kid and when I was poor in college. If I don't get any other benefit from 7 years of post-secondary education, I WILL get an in-unit washer and dryer! I'm a lawyer, damnit. There has to be some benefit...
Option A also is about 30 minutes from my regular courthouse and 40 minutes away from my office.  Gas is almost $4/gallon now, so this is an expensive commute. Especially when you factor in driving from the office to the courthouse and back again.  Plus, my 2010 car that I bought in February 2010 with 79 miles on it is now already at 68,000 miles in only two years. So my car takes a beating with this drive. And, of course, the drive time means I have to get up earlier. Puke.
Option B is a fantastic apartment with an in-unit washer and dryer. No oven though... It really only has a kitchenette, not a full kitchen, which kind of sucks but I could work around that. It's only three blocks away from my courthouse, which is awesome. And it's like 20 minutes from the office. So I've save money and time. And my car would probably be happy. I could run home on lunch easily. But, I'd be about an hour away from my friends, family, and the metro. And I'd have to move to a new church ward.
This is a tough decision....

Fun Fact:

According to the Words with Friends dictionary, "jews" is not a word.  "Dildo" is a valid word, however. 

Because that makes sense. Clearly.

"But you didn't have to cut me off,
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing,
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.
No, you didn't have to stoop so low,
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number,
I guess that I don't need that though,
Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
-Gotye, Somebody That I Used to Know

Overheard in Court

As I waited for my case to be called this morning, I got to watch a contested Harassment Restraining Order case.
The best part of the hearing was when one person said, "I have been on my best behavior...except for the threats."

I am amazed at how much this separation still hurts after this many months.

Yay for sunshine!!

It has been in the 50s, 60s, and 70s lately in good old Minnesota. Warmth and sunshine!  In March! I can sit outside to eat dinner, open my windows and let fresh air in, and drive around with my music loud and windows rolled down. This never occurs in March in Minnesota. Mother Nature must be out of the office, otherwise she would have noticed this error and corrected it.
Until she is back, we Minnesotans are going to bbq, play outside, and enjoy the beautiful sun. Weeeeeeeeee!!

I believe the term for this is "indentured servitude"

I worked 12 hours today. This is the second time in 2 weeks I've put in a 12 hour day. Lately I'm generally doing 9 or 10 hour days, in a futile and failing attempt to stay on top of things.  My case load plus my court schedule since the start of the year have been untenable. No matter how much I try to keep up, I can't.  I spend almost my entire day in court Monday through Wednesday plus two Fridays each month. I'm allotted 6 office days a month-every Thursday and the second and forth Fridays of the month. 
In those 6 days, I somehow have to find the time to meet with clients at the office and at the jail (the jail is 25 minutes away from my office, in a separate city).  Sometimes, the jail gets over full and my clients end up in a different jail because of space issues. That jail is an hour and a half away from my office.  I also have to find time to return phone calls and emails, read new documents that come in, prepare for trials or contested hearings, fill out requests for the paralegal and investigator, do legal research, write morons and memos, and review countless hours of audio and video.
What do I most commonly end up spending my office time doing? Filing paperwork. Mountains of paper lands in my inbox every day. I average 5 new files each week. Paperwork that I need for some hearings doesn't get to me until the day before the hearing but I don't know that I have it because it's not a Thursday so I haven't gotten to my inbox.
In any other office, support staff would do my filing.  In our pitifully underfunded office, we don't have enough staff to do that. So, I spend countless hours just filing, making copies, mailing things, and doing other tasks that I should have assistance from support staff on.  Which means that I'm not able to do other things, things that only I can do because I'm the lawyer and can't delegate those things to someone else.  Thus, my lawyer-only things aren't able to be done because the other, secretarial stuff needs to be done by me.
The real bitch of it all is that I end up working without compensation.  As public defenders, we are allowed to "bank" overtime, rather than getting paid for it. The idea is that for every hour of overtime we work, we get 1.5 hours of "comp time", to cash in later on. So, if I want to take off early on a Friday, for example, I can clock 6 hours of regular work hours and take 2 hours out of my comp bank.  Since I already worked those two hours as october but didn't get paid for them, I get to use them in place of 2 hours of non-overtime work. Sounds like a good trade-off, right? I mean after taxes come out, actual overtime pay isn't ever really enough to justify actually working overtime.  Plus, when it's a nice summer day, I'd much rather leave work early and enjoy the sun.
The problem is that we are only allowed to store 40 hours in our comp bank.  After 40, we can't store anymore.  Which means that if you have 40 comp hours already and you end up working overtime, you don't get any kind of compensation for your overtime hours.
And, before you ask, no, we are not salaried.  We are hourly.
When I filled out my most recent time card, I had 36.5 hours of banked comp time. I had 8 hours of overtime. I got no compensation of any kind for 4.5 of those hours. Unless I take some time off soon and use some of my banked hours, I will continue to not receive compensation for any overtime I work. Given that I'm scheduled into April right now for court, it's unlikely that I'll be taking any time off soon and also unlikely that things will slow down enough that I won't need to keep working 9+ hour days just to try (but not succeed) in keeping up with things.
Maybe I should start wearing a button on the days I'm at the office and in court and I'm on unpaid overtime that says, "Be nice to me. I'm working for free  today."
Ugh.

Funny Conversation of the Day

Me: I finished my brief yesterday so it's going in the mail today. You should have it soon.
Prosecutor: When was that due?
Me: Monday. March 5th is our deadline.
Prosecutor: So when is my brief due?
Me: Monday. Same as mine.
Prosecutor: Monday?! Really?!
Me: Yeah, remember? You told the judge you would just do a simultaneous brief so yours is also due on March 5. That's Monday.
Prosecutor: (groaning) Oooo but March 5 seemed so far away when I said that...

Funny stuff

Sometimes my job makes me crack up.  Yesterday, I had one of those funny moments in my day.  I have a case where the most serious count is a presumptive commit case (for non-lawyers/people who don't live in MN, that means that if convicted, the sentencing guidelines recommend a prison sentence, not probation).  There's also like 4 other charges, too.  The offer letter that was sent over to me for the case is an offer to plead to a gross misdemeanor and a misdemeanor--dismiss the other charges.  No felony charges, no prison sentence.  So, that's a remarkably awesome offer.  It's such a good offer that when Golf came into my office one day and the offer letter was sitting on the top of my inbox, Golf saw it and exclaimed, "You get offers to plead [the most serious charge in the case] down to a gross misdemeanor?!  I'd never get that in my county!"  

So, I went to go talk to the prosecutor on that file, to go over the specifics of it and to see if we could agree as to any potential sentence he'd serve on the gross misdemeanor.  The prosecutor got his file and came and sat down to talk to me.  As he was looking through it, I was reminding him on what he'd offered and I said, "So, he's charged with [most serious offense] and you offered to have him plead to a gross misdemeanor."  As he's flipping through the file, listening to me, he looks a little surprised and says, "I did?  I offered that?  Why did I do that? Was there a reason?"  Then he flips to his copy of the offer letter and reviews it, saying, "Hey, I did offer that.  I wonder why I did that.  I don't remember why I offered that.  Why did I do that?"  This made me laugh pretty hard.  He was so confused about his own offer, I couldn't help but laugh.  Especially when he also started laughing and then said, "That's a really good deal.  Your client should take it."  

Worn out

I had one client with three files on for contested omnibus hearings today. I've got one short brief due by next Tuesday. I've got another brief due on March 5. I'm up for trial next week. And I have two more contested hearings next week.
I'm pretty worried about how/when I'm going to get things done. I need more hours in the or a extra copy of myself.

Honestly...

Being on medication is a complete pain.

Problem #1: I run out of meds on the 20th of the month. The prescription says "dispense after 20th" so no one will fill it until the 21st. Since I need it first thing in the morning, this means I'm without medication on the morning of the 21st. So I'm usually in a giant rush in the morning to get them filled.
Problem #2: there is a national shortage of my medication, so my normal pharmacy is sometimes unable to get my medication.
Problem #3: Apparently, my insurance has switched its policy and will only cover ONE pill a day of my medication, but I need TWO. So, as I found out this morning, my regular pharmacy has a prior authorization from the doctor to allow the insurance to cover two pills. Meaning if I go to any other pharmacy, because perhaps my pharmacy is out of my medication, the new pharmacy has to get a prior authorization from the doctor. I find this out this morning, when I attempted to pick up my prescription from a different pharmacy.
This all adds up to me sitting in the parking lot of the pharmacy, waiting so my prescriptions can FINALLY be filled, after I've called my boss to explain the problem and let her know that I'm supposed to be in court in like 20 minutes, but I'm not going to be able to make it on time.
Ugh. I wish I was healthy.

Things

Sometimes you are sitting around in your house and you think, "Hmmm, maybe I should paint my nails like a trashy high schooler. That seems like a fab idea!" So then you do. Yeah, I'm the lawyer with the weird haircut and the trashy nails. But I'm ok with that. I need some fun in my life right now and my silly, trashy nails are fun.
I walked in to meet my 19 year old girl client today and the first thing she said to me was, "You're my lawyer?" I nodded and said that I was, to which she responded, "You're pretty!" in a semi-shocked voice. Apparently, women attorneys aren't expected to be pretty, I guess. Good to know I don't live up to that stereotype.
In other news, I already hate tomorrow and it isn't even here yet. However, because RV is the best best friend ever, she sent me a Valentine's Day gift to my office. It was awesome to get that and made me feel like 800% better. Plus, my gift included awesome new earrings that I plan on wearing tomorrow to ward off bad thoughts and make me feel loved. I have the greatest people ever in my life (and that includes all of you, many of you commenting for the first time to tell me you were thinking of me when YKW first dropped his divorce bomb on me).
I've started keeping a little notebook full of quotes that I find inspirational/uplifting/funny/awesome.  Then, when I am feeling sad or ready to cry (it's annoying how frequently I still feel like crying, even after all this time), I whip out my little notebook, read the collected quotes, and feel better.  So, Monosyllabickers, do you have any suggestions for quotes/sayings you like that I should include in my notebook?

I may be a little late to the party on this, but my current new favorite jam is "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)" by Kelly Clarkson. Talk about a perfect anthem for me right now. In case you aren't familiar with it, the chorus is:

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stand a little taller,
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter,
Footsteps even lighter,
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone."

I listened to it like 8 times in a row today. Makes me feel all pumped up and powerful. What husband? Ha!

I know, I know, another picture of Ward? Totally becoming the crazy cat lady. But seriously, how cute is that when he covers his eyes while he is sleeping? Adorable.

This week was stressful. With the impending valentine's day coming up next week, I've been feeling more blue than normal recently. Court went fine this week--nothing too overwhelming as far as cases to appear on--but I got two client mothers who were crabbing at me. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I'm a bit more sensitive than usual right now so it really got under my skin.

The first mom was mad because her (adult) kid missed court and there was a warrant for the client. Somehow that was my fault? And she was not happy that I couldn't just snap my fingers and make the warrant disappear. She was very unhappy with my not-being-the-judge-so-not-able-to-quash-the-warrant-right-then. I guess I'll work on that?? I mean, I guess I don't know what to say to that.

The second mom was angry with me because her kid got a prison sentence and the co-defendant didn't. This mom wanted to know why. She wanted me to email her the answer. Trying to explain the MN Sentencing Guidelines in an email is really difficult, I found out. It's much easier to explain them in person. She also had several other questions/demands/accusations for me, which I found exhausting to deal with. But that is my new current state-exhausted.

Which I am because it's 3:00 a.m. Time for all little narcoleptics to go to bed...

I'm going to pass out at this rate

I'm the #2 case for trial next week and the #1 case is going to resolve. That will mean I'm in my third felony trial in four weeks. Talk about burn-out...

Trial #2

Half win.
Not guilty on the domestic assault by strangulation. Guilty on the domestic assault. So, I'm at 3 1/2 out of 5 on felony trials. 70% win rate at felony trials. Not too shabby.
However my brain has officially turned to mush now. I'm so fried I'm barely able to remember how to walk.

They Must Be Trying to Make Me Quit

Yesterday I got an email with the trial order for next week.
I'm the #1 and #2 trials.
There. Is. No. Way.
I haven't seen my office in a week and a half. I haven't answered any phone calls or gotten to stuff in my inbox. I haven't even looked at the two files on for trial next week in some time. There is no way I will be prepared for trial next week.
Isn't there some rule against being in three separate trials in three weeks? There should be.
I'm so burnt out and I'm still not done with this week's trial.

Oh nice...

A recent MN Supreme Court case has held that a defendant's post-arrest, pre-Miranda silence can be used against him in the state's case-in-chief.
Because that makes a lot of sense.

The Universe is Out to Get Me...

Jan. 19, 2012: President Obama breaks into "Let's Stay Together," by Al Green. This shoots the song into the spotlight, so that it is constantly played or discussed on the news. Until this impromptu performance, it was very unlikely to randomly hear this song.

Jan. 20, 2012: legendary singer Etta James dies.  One of her most well-known songs, "At Last," is repeatedly played or discussed on the news. Although relatively well-known, this was not a doing that was regularly heard.

May 15, 2009: I walk down the aisle on my wedding day to "At Last," by Etta James.

May 15, 2009:  At our wedding, Hat and I have our first dance as a married couple. Our wedding song is "Let's Stay Together," by Al Green.

It's bad enough having one song from my wedding day, one song that is forever linked in my memory with YKW, suddenly catapult into the spotlight again. But two? And one has to be our wedding song?

Thanks, Universe.

Second Trial of 2012

Starts tomorrow...apparently, I never want to get to that enormous pile of stuff that has been sitting in my inbox since I got back from vacation and that has only grown more and more overwhelming while I've been in trial last week.  


I'm in trial again this week.  Sigggghhhh....


Different client.  Different judge.  Same prosecutor (both she and I are going to be very tired ladies at the end of this week). 


Not only is it only January and I will have knocked out 2 jury trials already, but this is my first back to back jury trial experience.  I'm not going to lie, I'm not looking forward to it.  However, I am grateful that I won the last one, because otherwise that would have made it really hard to gear up for yet another one.

I won! (Again!)

I'm getting good at this...

In Grueling News...

Although I'm still not done with my current trial, I've found out that I'm the #1 case for next week's trial calendar, on another case! Back to back jury trials? Please kill me... I'm going to be a zombie by the end of next week.

Shopping is clearly the best response

So our judges sometimes give the jury a survey after trials are over, to assess the attorneys and stuff. I hate these things. In the two juries I've had fill them out, a jury member commented on my appearance as the thing they liked the least about me. I was incredibly offended. One said I should have dressed more professionally, despite the fact that I wore a business suit every day.  Wtf? What am I supposed to wear, a ball gown?
First off, I know how to dress professionally and appropriately for court. Second off, although I dress a little more flashy for routine court appearances, since the judges and court staff and other attorneys are familiar enough with me that they aren't surprised if I show up with hot pink eyeshadow or giant earrings, I dress conservatively for jury trials. Neutral make-up, low-key colors, etc. So, it's not like I dress like a freak.
Third off, how is telling me you don't like my appearance constructive at all?
Fourth off, I doubt male attorneys get comments like that...
So, naturally, I am now all self-conscious and worried about how I look. Which necessitated a trip to the mall today to get myself some new work clothes.  And maybe I found an adorable pair of kitten heels that I also had to get because they were only $10!

Ready, set, TRIAL!

Day one of my first trial of 2012 starts this afternoon.  Game face on!
In case you were wondering, my current trial pump-up song  is "I Need a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler. Look it up!

First trial of 2012

I start another trial on Monday. Oddly enough, the client in this trial is the same client as my last trial. He had two cases pending and he just happened to have his cases actually make it to the top of the trial calendar one right after the other. So, we are going to trial on the other file starting on Monday.
I'm going to be exceptionally far behind on things after this trial. I still haven't caught up from being gone for vacation and now I will be gone for trial, as well. So I am going to be super crazy back-logged. Sigh...I'm not looking forward to that pile-up. But that's what happens, I guess.
And of course, I get to work over the weekend now to prep the case for trial since I've had basically zero time to be in my office since getting back. Woo-hoo. Oh well, it is what it is.
I'm just hoping that this trial goes better than the last trial, which we lost (and I was pretty surprised by that loss, actually). So fingers crossed that this one will be a winner!

Oh, you fancy, huh?

This is Ward.  He's very fancy, clearly.  That's why he sits like a person on the couch and folds his arms.  He is my fat and fancy cat.  The last time we took him to the vet (YKW was with me, since we were also taking the other cat in, as well, and it's difficult to try to wrangle both the cats into their carriers all on your own.  Plus, YKW was paying for the vet bills, so he had to come with so he could pay), the vet told us, "Well, Ward's a little heavier than I'd like to see for a cat of his size.  He's thirteen pounds, which is a little on the heavy side."  Tell that to Fatty Cakes.  He never stops eating!


As lame as it is, I'm posting about my lovely kitty because Ward and the other one, Oscar (see photo below) have been my heroes lately.  They make me laugh when I'm sad, they cuddle me when I'm lonely, they greet me when I come home from work to my otherwise empty house, they listen to me when I talk, and they generally make me smile when I'm feeling cranky.  Sure, they are just cats--I know that.  But, they are loving, sweet, and funny and when I'm having one of those days where I just want to curl up into a ball and cry, seeing Ward sitting on the couch like he's a fancy gentleman is just the thing to crack me up.  


So, this is my tribute post to the males in my life who have been my constant companions and who always know how to make me smile--Ward and Oscar, my wonderfully awesome kitties. 

I'm totally in like Flynn

I survived the first week back, but just barely...  I was swamped when I got back and I spent several extra hours at work trying to play catch up.  Which is not exactly the most exciting way to come back from vacation, but whatever...


Next week is another massacre, especially at the beginning of the week.  Monday is MLK, Jr. day, so it's a holiday and I don't have to work/am not allowed to work w/o prior authorization from my boss.  So, that boots me to Tuesday as my first day next week and, like this last Tuesday, it's a damn disaster.  I have 6 hearings in the morning and 7 in the afternoon, for a 13 hearing day.  Slightly down from last Tuesday, which I suppose is an improvement.  But then on Wednesday, I've got 8 hearings, all scheduled at 1:30 p.m.  Well, that should certainly be interesting when I have 8 people all showing up at the same time wanting to talk to me...sigh.


So, work is back to being hellacious again.  It calmed down for awhile, which was nice.  It was still busy because it's never not busy.  But, it was manageable busy--occasionally I was running into jams where I felt like I wasn't going to be able to get something finished, but that wasn't nearly as common.  However, this last week, and my upcoming weeks, is back to being breakneck, rapid-fire, too-many-cases-on-at-the-same-time, grueling, exhausting hell.  It makes me wonder why I stick around sometimes.  Especially when this job is thankless, underpaid, has zero possibilities for raises because we're those scum-sucking, atrocious, awful government employees, and almost always has the threat of being laid off as a fun bonus. 

Yuck

This is what was waiting for me when I got back from vacation. Ew.

Overheard in Target

I almost forgot about this delightful conversation I overheard today while I was at Target: 


Mom: "Are you sure you're still going to want to use these notebooks and folders once he's not cool anymore?"
Youngish teenage girl: "Mo-om, he's Justin Bieber.  He's like THEE guy.  He's never not going to be cool."


Yeah...that's what I thought in 1997 about Hanson...but, like the saying goes, "In an mmmbop, they're gone...in an mmmbop, they're not there."

Welcome back to woooooork!!!!!

Well, starting tomorrow, my Christmas vacation is officially over.  Boooooo.  It was so relaxing to sit around and do nothing and watch marathons on TV.  Seriously, the holidays are the best time for TV marathons because the programmers must get lazy and just think, "Whatever, let's just play 36 hours straight of Law and Order: SVU.  No one's watching anyway..."  Except for me--I'm watching!  And I love it. 


Anywho (how's that for some Minnesota-speak?...you're welcome), I go back to work and back into court tomorrow.  However, tomorrow it's probably more appropriate to refer to it as The Gauntlet or The Seventh Circle of Hell.  Either of those would be accurate, I think. 

Things That Happen in Legal Dramas on TV/Movies That I've Never Actually Seen Happen in Real Life:

1. Prancing around the courtroom whenever the attorney wants.
2. Defense attorney present while the suspect rambles on and on and on.
3. Defense attorney asks for a three day continuance in the middle of trial and the judge just agrees to the continuance without batting an eye.
4. Just objecting without giving any reason for the objection.
5. The prosecutor using ridiculous and inflammatory arguments in the bail hearing, such as "the defendant is an accused baby killer." Even in the sticks, I've never seen anything close to that type of language fly in court out of a lawyer's mouth.
6. Prosecutor dismisses the case in the middle of trial.
7. Either attorney popping out evidence--in the middle of their line of questioning!--that the other side didn't know about because it wasn't disclosed.
8. Attorney pulls out a gun in the middle of trial.
9. Important legal discussions/decisions occurring in chambers and off the record and never in court or with a court reporter.
10. Judge asks the witness questions in the middle of a jury trial in front of the jury. (Ok I've actually seen this once and it was because the judge was curious how to pronounce the word "buccal" and asked the forensic examiner how to correctly say it after the attorneys were done with their questioning. But that wasn't related to the case and didn't prejudice one side or the other. And apparently, it's correct to say it as either "buckle" or "byoo-cull.")
I'll update this as I see more. There is a law and order marathon on right now, so I'm sure I'll see more.

Why not, right?

I only have to feed myself now, which is slightly depresso to grocery shop for one person, especially since I'm a non-perishable food-hoarder, thanks to growing up really, really poor and sometimes not having food in the house.  AND I have difficulty turning down a sale, since it's on sale!!  But, I only buy things on sale that I'd actually use, so I'm not like hoarding things unnecessarily.  I just always have this fear in my head that I'll starve to death if I don't stock up on non-perishable food items when I can afford to.  Given my childhood of not always having food, and the stint of time before I was employed at the PD's office when Hat (since I'm referring to a time in which he wasn't out of my life, I will call him Hat) and I were so poor that we could only afford to eat Ramen most days and sometimes that was too expensive and I hadn't had a vegetable in so long that I broke down crying, and my most recent problems with being able to afford things, including food, I'm always going to be somewhat of a food-hoarder, I suppose.  So, in my most recent trip to the grocery store, I went a little insane.  This was an actual photo of my grocery cart: 

In full vacation mode

Ok, so it's been a bit since I've been able to post anything, thanks to the fact that YKW came and took the computer out of the house.  That means I'm generally limited to posting from my phone, which gets a little tiring after awhile because the screen is so tiny.  But, occasionally, I can get in front of a real screen and a real computer, such as now.  So, I can finally blog on a normal sized keyboard!


So, it's 2012--whoooaaa!!  Crazy huh?  I can't believe that it's already 2012.  Clearly, 2011 sucked big time.  So, I'm hoping that 2012 will suck a whole lot less.  If not, I'm going to be pretty angry with 2012.  I might have to ground it if it doesn't deliver something awesome. 

Happy New Year

Here's hoping that 2012 is better than 2011...

Worst Christmas Ever

I got loneliness for Christmas. Phenoms.

What's the point of life if it only consists of surviving? What's the point of trying when nothing comes of it? 
It's time to go back to the girl I was before I met him. Closed-off, cynical, pessimistic, bitter, tough, slow to reveal my real self to people, and never, never, never letting anyone get too close. I let him get too close and I got burned.  Never again.

There will never be a next time

People tell me things like, "You'll get through this" and "Things will get better" and "You are a strong person and you can handle this."  But none of those things are helpful or true.  I don't believe that things get better. Things get different, but not better.  Life has always been trading one crap situation for another and this is no exception.

Seriously, those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing over a montage of photos of diseased animals are the worst advertising campaign ever. I can't even watch them. I just change the channel well before any information about how to donate comes on the screen.  Try again, ASPCA. With less diseased animals next time. Thanks.

Frightening reality

There was a shooting at a northern Minnesota courthouse yesterday afternoon.  The alleged gunman is a defendant who had just been convicted at trial and shot the county attorney three times, as well as shooting three other people.  The defendant's attorney ran to help the county attorney, who had been shot in the leg and in the stomach and was bleeding heavily.

This saddens me. I am in a courthouse nearly every day of the work week. My courthouse has bailiffs and technically has a moveable metal detector that occasionally will be plugged in and pushed into place so people (myself included) have to actually go through it, but 99.9% of the time, the detector is shoved aside, unplugged, and out of the way.  The reality is that something like this could happen easily in the courthouse I'm in almost every day, because people generally know each other, the court people know each other, it's just another day at work for most of us and we generally don't expect to be shot while at work.

I think about that defense attorney having to use a belt to cinch the county attorney's leg wound and the county attorney asking the defense attorney to make sure his wife knew he loved her and I get chills.  It's way, way, way too easy to imagine myself in a similar situation, tending to one of the prosecutors I work with all the time as they tell me to make sure their spouse knows they love them. It's really frightening and creepy.

Prayers go out to everyone impacted by this terrible event.

Dropped my phone in the toilet. Fml.

I'm not real

Supposedly time heals all wounds, but I don't think that's true.  I think time lets you know how to hide the pain or how to work around the pain, but doesn't actually heal the pain.  If I suddenly had a stabbing, throbbing, shooting, agonizing pain in my legs when I walked, I'd learn how to adjust and walk so as to lessen the pain on a daily basis.  But, the pain would still be there and it wouldn't take much--just a thoughtless misstep--to bring it back full force.  I think in some cases, the pain never stops being there.  We just learn how to maneuver around it so it doesn't hurt so bad every day.


I feel like that's what I've been doing lately--maneuvering around the pain.  I am very good at pretending I'm fine.  I'm so good in fact that people tell me quite often that they are amazed at how well I'm handling everything.  I go to work and I joke around and I laugh and I go out to lunch and I make my courtroom arguments and I smile and I do things as if nothing is wrong.  I go out with my friends and have a good time and laugh and get dressed up and enjoy my time.  But, underneath it all is the reality--I feel like I'm dying inside.

At least someone missed me

I'm being smothered by my cats since getting home this evening. They keep following me around the house and meowing and crawling on me the second I sit down and/or lay down. I take it they missed me a little...

Well it's nice to feel loved, even if it includes way more smothering than I'd go for.

This is true

M Thru F: Well When You Put It That Way, Life Seems So Much Simpler

Whoa, smart phones!

So, apparently my smart phone has an app that lets me blog from my phone! (If any of you tech-savvy readers already knew that, shhhh...I'm slow on these type of things...).

And I can even post photos! So, here's a photo of my adorable but very strange cat.

Down to .666 average and other news

Well, I lost my most recent felony trial.  That sucked a lot, especially because I thought we had a really good case.  I was pretty disappointed when we lost and was in a foul mood for the rest of the day and into the next one, as well.  The only good part about the whole thing is that I know for certain that my client felt like he had good representation during his case.  I know this because he told me.  After my closing argument, I sat back down and he leaned over and said, "Guilty or not guilty, you did a great job.  I just wanted you to know that."  And then after we got the verdict, he said, "It sucks, but you did the best you could do and that's all I can ask for.  I have no complaints--you're the best lawyer I've ever had and I've had lots of public pretenders in the past."  So, while losing the trial really, really sucked and I was really disappointed, I took some solace in the knowledge that my client knew I'd put my all into it and that there was really nothing more I could do--no second guessing that if I'd only done this or that, then maybe the jury would have acquitted.  

People with torsos longer than their legs freak me out.

Tomorrow is the first major holiday without You Know Who. To stave off the tears, I'm heading to Chicago to hang with RV and RN. BFFEs to the rescue!

I've decided I don't really like living alone...

Felony trial number three starts today. Let's see if I remain undefeated.

Why I love my job

On Wednesday, I was lurking around the courthouse waiting in between hearings, just sort of milling around in the common area.  There was a man there waiting around, too, and he came up to me and said, "Hey, you're a lawyer, right?"  I told him that I was and he said, "I can't remember your name, but I think I've heard of you."  So, I told him my name and he said, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard about you. I've heard you do a lot of good work for people.  They really like having you.  You're a really good lawyer." 

I was really surprised because I'd never met this guy or seen this guy before, but it sure was awesome to hear that.  Definitely made my day.  Actually, I think it even made my week. 

Grocery shopping for one person is one of the most depressing times of my life.

Tonight I stopped praying for him to come back to me. Instead, I asked God to help me stop loving him.

Just breathe

We're starting couples' counseling on Thursday.  I convinced Hat to go by asking him to at least go with me so that someone, some third party, could help me understand his reasons for leaving.  Shockingly, just hearing that he's "done" and doesn't want to try to fix things because he "doesn't want to" or because he "doesn't have the energy" isn't exactly enough of an answer for me.  So, he agreed to go to counseling but ONLY for the purpose of having a therapist help me understand why he's leaving.  He's also agreed to get a screening for depression, since pretty much everyone who knows him has asked if that is the problem.  


I'm not sure what to expect at this counseling session.  It's only our first one, so I suppose not a whole lot will get accomplished.  But, I'm still nervous about it.  I'm always nervous about stuff like that. 


In the meantime, I'm trying to maintain my happy demeanor in front of Hat as much as possible.  So far, I've been pretty successful.  And actually, he's warmed up to me a lot lately, which I think is a good sign.  On Tuesday night, we went out after he got off work and ate a late dinner.  Some time during that night, he put his wedding ring back on.  We didn't discuss it or anything, he just had it back on once we got home (we drove separate since he was coming straight from work).  I asked him about it a couple of days later and he said he put it back on because I had asked him to (back on September 23...which he didn't do until just this last Tuesday, so I don't know if I believe that's the only reason he put it back on).  And on Saturday, we went out to dinner and a comedy show and had a very nice time.  It wasn't super romantic or anything, but it was fun and at the end of the night, he was much more like his old self--at one point in time he even called me by his nickname for me (possibly out of habit without even realizing it) and before I went to bed, he asked me for a hug twice.  So, as hard as it is to pretend to be fine and happy and like nothing is bothering me, I think it's actually making things better at home since I'm not constantly sobbing. 


I am cautiously, slightly hopeful that we may still work things out.  We are still married until we're not and if we stick to the original plan to wait to file for the divorce until the end of our lease, we've got a long, long time (like until July 31, 2012) before we're officially done.  He decided in less than a month he wanted a divorce, so it's not a crazy to think that a lot can happen in 10 months.  Especially if part of the problem is undiagnosed depression on his part. Considering he has a substantial family history of it (meaning every male on his mom's side and his mom), it's a possibility.  So, I'm trying to work on getting myself prepared for the worst (divorce) but hoping for the best (reconciliation and continuation of our marriage). Who knows what will ultimately happen, but I can't at this point in time just throw my hands up in the air and say, "Oh well!"  We've got almost a year still before we'd be divorced--who knows what can happen in that time?  So, I am going to try to continue to keep my crying in check for the time being and see what comes of the counseling/depression screening.  


I refuse to give up that easily.  I'm not ready to concede defeat just yet.

Coping

Well, it's been a long week and a half, to be sure.  It hasn't been all bad, although a lot of it has been bad.  I'm trying to just focus on what makes me happy (outside of my marriage, obviously) and try to do those things.  I've been trying to keep a positive attitude each day, even though that sometimes feels impossible.  Work helps somewhat, since it can at least distract me for a bit.  But, it's never a total distraction because the situation with Hat is always on my mind, just in the background.  But, I'm trying.  

The worst part is that the loneliness that accompanies this is so incredible and profound.  Even when I have my wonderful, supportive, caring friends helping me, with me, making sure I'm functioning, etc, there is still this constant sense of loneliness over me.  When I'm alone, at night especially, it becomes almost overwhelming how alone I feel.  Although I know logically that I'm not the only person who has ever had their spouse divorce them, it feels like I am the only one.  

So this divorce diet is working out great for me. I've lost 11 pounds since Tuesday.

Second verse, same as the first

I worked from home today because yesterday I couldn't manage to get through one hour without having to go into the bathroom to cry.  I just accepted the fact that I would be crying again today and since I didn't have court today, I worked from home to avoid crying at work.  


Due to our current financial situation, neither one of us can just walk out the door right now.  Which means that for the time being, Hat's moved into the den--which is actually a second bedroom but which we use as a den--and I'm left in our bedroom, alone.  I had to rearrange the room just to make it so that I could be in there by myself, because leaving it like it always had been felt too horrible.  It still feels horrible, but now it's a different kind of horrible.  It's the kind of horrible where I know it's only like this because the other way was even more horrible. 

"Heartbroken" doesn't begin to cover it

Out of the blue, Hat has decided that he wants a divorce.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  I'm physically sick about it and I haven't eaten since he told me because I don't think I can keep it down.

I didn't notice anything was wrong.  We haven't been fighting.  We've been having a good summer together, going on trips and vacations.  I thought we were doing just fine.  But apparently not.  So, he wants a divorce now. 

In the process of this revelation, he has cut off everyone he knows.  He isn't really talking to his friends much, his dad has told me that he isn't responding to his dad's texts/phone calls, he disabled his facebook account because he "didn't want people to attack" him through facebook, etc., etc.  He also can't explain to me why he wants a divorce other than he's "not happy."  When I ask him what he means by that, he says he doesn't know.  When I asked him if he thought that a divorce would make him happy, he said he didn't know.  He also doesn't have any plan on what he wants to do after we separate--he doesn't know where he will live, how he will pay his bills (since I'm the one who is the financial support in the house at the moment while he's attending school), where he will get health insurance or car insurance, nothing...he hasn't thought about anything practical.  Everyone who knows him is having the same reaction, which is, "What?! This is so out of character for him!!"

The thing that makes this so much worse is that I asked him if we could try to work on it--couple counseling, etc, anything.  He said he didn't have the energy to try.  So, although we've only been married for a little over 2 years, he's just crapping out without even trying.  It's miserable. 

I can't stand how much this hurts.  It's the worse feeling I've ever had in my entire life.  I wish I could make it go away, even just for a few minutes.  I can't even get any relief from sleep--I keep having dreams about this situation!  It's a never ending horror.

Client Archetypes

The court system can quite often feel like a never-ending treadmill.  There's so many people going through it and it never stops.  The interesting thing is that although there are so many people from so many different walks of life, there seems to be some typical characters who make up the public defender clients.  These people are not the majority of clients, by any means.  But, the typical behaviors of these people are so consistent from each one to the next that I've started to create categories for them in my mind.  Here are the 9 categories for the various types of clients:  


1. The Panicker--This client requires a lot of hand-holding (figuratively, not literally).  Every time they call, it is an emergency.  They will leave breathless, anxious, rapid-fire messages about how they must speak with you immediately, regardless of the fact that you've told them many times that you are in court a lot of the day and may not be able to get to their call immediately.  When they can't reach you on your line, they will call the front office staff and leave them the same message--it's an emergency.  If you don't call back within 10 minutes, they will start calling you every 10-20 minutes and either hanging up when the voicemail kicks in or before then.  They are not anxious or panicked in the way you might normally expect a person to be when charged with a crime.  They are anxious and panicked no matter what you do or say, no matter how much you talk with them or reassure them, no matter what you do, they remain panicked.  They are exceptionally needy as clients and are never satisfied, since they constantly are filled with panic. 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

One of my non-lawyer friends said something very funny the other day, which I needed to share:

This weekend, I was telling my friend how I had just recently gotten assigned to an attempted first degree murder case.  I said that I'd already done a first degree murder case in February and now I had an attempted murder case in the same year.  My friend's response was, "So, is that like hitting for the cycle* in a lawyer's world?"



*"Hitting for the cycle" is a baseball term that refers to a situation in which a player hits a single, double, triple, and a home run all in the same game.

The "Public Defender" title

So, within the last year or so, the court in one of the counties where I work has put together a panel of volunteer attorneys that are willing to help out by covering low-level misdemeanor cases.  This is to help alleviate some of the less serious cases that are usually assigned to the public defenders.  The volunteer attorneys step in and take on some of these misdemeanors, meaning that the public defenders have fewer cases.  So, it's basically a panel of volunteer defense attorneys that handle cases for public-defender eligible clients to help out the PD's office. 


A few of these panel attorneys call themselves "volunteer public defenders."  This bothers me. It bothers me for a few reasons.  

Best. Video. Ever

This video is hilarious.  I laughed until I cried.  It's got an excessive amount of swearing, but if you've ever owned a cat, it very aptly describes what cats are like.  Seriously, hilarious.

Excellent Monday

Well, as far as Mondays go, this one was pretty good.  And for those of you who aren't from Minnesota, when a Minnesotan says something is "pretty good," that means it's excellent.  If something is actually pretty good, then we will say it was "not bad."  

Today started off with a jury trial that I knew was not going to go to trial.  One, because someone else was going to trial and two, because my client had indicated that he wasn't really into having a trial if it could be avoided.  So, I had already talked to the prosecutor about giving my client a continuance for dismissal on his case, which he agreed to.  So, my client's felony case is now a continuance for dismissal, which is awesome.  Especially awesome because that prevents him from getting in trouble with immigration courts because, as I have found out since Padilla, everything gets you deported whether you are here legally or illegally.  Even two petty misdemeanor shoplifting tickets can be enough to get you deported.  It's a bit extreme.  So, the continuance helps my client out with that, too. 

Then, at my next hearing for the day, where my client had a pretty serious drug charge, I managed to get her bail reduced by 90%--a rare feat in most of my cases.  I was pretty surprised that the court went ahead and reduced the bail.  I had prepared my client to not be surprised if they found themselves with the same bail or such a slight reduction that it made no difference.  So when the bail was reduced that significantly, I was pretty surprised and my client was understandably pretty happy. 

My last hearing of the day was a misdemeanor.  It's a rather classic situation:  the allegations are that my client caught their partner with someone else, so they alleged beat the someone else up.  It's too bad that "they deserved it" isn't a defense sometimes, you know?  But, my client had no criminal history and the allegations lined up for some pretty awesome facts for us at trial, since I think I'd have a good shot at getting at least one person on our side with that kind of scenario.  So, I asked the prosecutor if he'd go for a continuance for dismissal and--bam!--he did!  Two for two in one day on the continuances for dismissal!  So, again my client was very happy about the outcome.

Oh, yeah, and I have hot new hair since I dyed it this weekend.  So, I was looking supa-fly.  But, that's pretty much a given. 

So, overall, a pretty sweet Monday.  

Sidenote--it's come to my attention that, given my extreme dislike for regular pants (sooo uncomfortable and constricting!!), I will at some point in time need to break down and buy myself a pair of pajama jeans.  Shameful?? Maybe a bit.  But, if they really do look like real jeans, that would make them less shameful than the Snuggie, (of which I own three!!) since it wouldn't be immediately apparent that it was that thing from TV.  It'll happen eventually.  When it does, I'll be sure to let you all know if they are as magical as they seem.

If I were a cat, things would be awesome.

It's no secret that I'm rather hedonistic.  I'm fully aware of that.  However, if was only when Hat pointed out to me recently that I'm the only person he knows who hates sweating that I realized just how intensely I despise things that aren't pleasurable.  There are many things that I really hate and that I am incredibly annoyed with that apparently other people don't think about.  Like sweating. 

Blah

So lately I've been feeling very blah.  I'm not sure why.  It's not low thyroid meds, since I'm on a new dose and have been for awhile and I'm feeling better overall now.  So it's not that.  I'm not sure what the problem is. 


I've been feeling just kind of bored with everything, I guess.  There's not anything in particular that is wrong.  It's just sort of routine and boring.  I feel like it's my own personal "Groundhog's Day."  Every day seems to bleed into the next one and the next and the next. 


I can't say I'm unhappy necessarily.  I'm just bored.  Everything is fine.  Work has been the best (read: least overwhelming and fewest crying sessions) that it has been pretty much since I started.  Hat is still wonderful as always.  We aren't lacking for anything and we have most of the creature comforts that you'd expect--cable, internet, big ol' TV (thanks again, Dad!), video game systems, functioning cars (with warranties still for extra bonuses), etc, etc.  But, I'm still bored/blah.  


I sort of wonder if the problem is that I'm out of goals.  I've accomplished the major life goals I set for myself when I was younger.  Go to college--check.  Go to law school--check.  Get a good job making decent money/not be on welfare like I was as a child--check.  Get a job as a public defender--check.  Get married to someone awesome--check.  Aaaaand now I'm done...so, I'm supposed to be basking in the gloriousness of my accomplishments.  Instead, I'm constantly thinking, "This is it? Getting up at 5:00 a.m. is not what I'd expected as basking in the gloriousness..."  It's a lot less spectacular than I had expected. 


And being a grown-up is a total rip-off.  It's no where near as awesome as I thought it would be when I was a kid.  Being a grown-up was supposed to be full of no bedtimes, no rules, and having so much fun because I could do whatever I wanted.  None of those things are true.  I do have a bedtime, since I have to get up so early for work.  There are rules, like that I have to wear a suitcoat all the time at work (barf) and I have to have insurance on my car (expensive).  And it's not so much fun because I can't do whatever I want.  I have to do things that I need to do or am supposed to do.  Someone should have told me that being a grown-up is not nearly as sweet and magical as it seemed.  Instead it's full of responsibilities and bills and work and buying toilet paper.  Ugh... 


So, maybe it's that I'm out of goals now and I expected it to be way more chock-full of awesomeness than it is.  Maybe it's that being a grown-up isn't as fun as I thought it would be.  Maybe it's because doing the mundane things, like buying toilet paper and toothpaste and paying bills and getting an oil change, are just that--mundane. 


I'm not sure what the problem is but I wish it would go away.  Part of me feels like telling the other part of my to STFU because nothing is wrong so just be happy w/ that.  But the other part of my is still bored and I can't shake it.  I wish I knew how because I would really like to not be bored anymore.  It sucks. 

Matt Capps is the worst closer in baseball.

And I'm exhausted...


I worked out today for the first time in forever.  Ever since the car accident, I've been really out of shape so I decided now was the time to get back into shape.  But, I forgot how freaking hard that is!!  I did a lot of squats and lunges and now I can barely move.  I'm like a little old lady, hobbling around.  It's pathetic how out of shape I am...


In other news: it looks like the MN state government shutdown is going to be at an end soon.  Thankfully, I wasn't directly affected by it since the public defenders were considered essential services and constitutionally required to continue functioning.  But, it was still frustrating that we had to deal with this again (there was a partial shutdown in 2005).  The news came out today that the governor and the leaders of the two houses had reached an agreement so apparently the shutdown will end soon.  


Things at work have settled into a pretty steady routine, which is a nice change of pace.  I'm hesitantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the hellhole of too many cases with no time and me freaking out and crying to revive itself, but I'm enjoying the current state of affairs.  I've got regular office days since January, so I have been able to establish a routine where I met my clients at their first court date w/ an attorney and then I set up a meeting with them on one of my regular office days.  I can also use my office days to review the audio/video before the omnibus hearing so I can actually KNOW if there are any omnibus issues before we get to court.  Shocking!!


The nice thing is that I haven't had to ask for a continuance due to not being prepared in months. When I do need a continuance, it's been for the client's reasons--in the hospital; sick; etc.  Not "I'm not prepared because I didn't get a chance to look at this case..."  It's really been nice to be able to find a groove after like 2+ years of feeling like I'm constantly being pulled apart in 50 different directions.   I still have overwhelming days, but the frantic feeling of "OMG I can't handle this" has subsided.  


I also recently won an omnibus hearing and got my client's case dismissed for lack of probable cause.  That was very, very exciting.  When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands over my mouth in disbelief.  I was so surprised in a freaking awesome way.    I won against one of my favorite prosecutors, who is super crazy smart, so that was both fun and awesome.  The best part of all was the judge dismissed it for a reason that I didn't even argue.  Ahahahaha!  Excellent.    I think that is the first felony omnibus hearing I've had, so it was pretty sweet to win it.  I'm killing it lately.  I won my first felony trial, then my second one, and now I've won my first omnibus hearing.   Feels good to know I'm not wiping out on these felonies like I worried about when I first started doing them.


It's very weird that I just started doing felonies a year ago.  In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago.  I took over in July and last July was full of panic attacks and crying and looking/feeling like a moron in court.  I didn't think that w/in a year, I'd have a perfect trial record and feel competent enough to work on felonies w/o constantly needing to ask other attorneys for help. 


And I've enjoyed working with the prosecutors in the county attorney's office, too.  It's really nice to be on good terms w/ the opposing side, since I've never understood why some people feel like they have to be at war all the time w/ the other side.  I get frustrated when other attorneys take that attitude because I find it very unnecessary.  I mean, as much as I love what I do and as much as I value the work and the principles behind it, at the end of the day, it's my job not my life.  So, if I win or lose, I still go home at the end of the day and watch "Teen Mom."  I don't need to hate the opposition because they have their job to do.  And thankfully, the county attorneys I work with seem to have the same perspective on things.  So, we can get stuff resolved pretty often and they were very understanding when I first started and didn't know what the heck I was doing. 


All of those things--finally having regular office days; finding my groove at work; and having good relationships with the prosecutors--have really taken a huge chunk of the stress away.  I haven't cried at work in like 4 months or more!

I just won a contested omnibus and got a felony case dismissed! I'm on fire lately!!