not for the monosyllabic

The cops are NOT your friends. Please stop spilling your guts to them. Thanks.

2009-12-10T19:00:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've had a round of cases that have followed this pattern:

I get the police reports and they read something like this--"Officers responded to a call about Client committing a crime. Victim A says this happened. I then went to speak with Client and I asked him about the things Victim A said he did. Client then admitted to doing those things and said that he was just trying to (insert lame excuse here)." I then sigh heavily because there are substantial holes in the alleged crime and in Victim A's recount, until Client fully admits to it. "Oh well," I think.

Then, I speak with Client. They immediately ask me, in one form or another, how I'm going to make all their charges magically disappear. When I inform them that the officers have them, often on video or audio recordings, admitting fully to the crime and that binds our options up pretty tight into a big ball of nothing, they get angry and insist that they did NOT commit the crime they are accused of and that I need to figure out a way to make everything disappear.

Sigh...

Here's the problem with that--I have yet to receive my magic fairy wand that I can wave to uncriminalize behavior, un-speak the client's confession, and make any and all physical evidence of the crime disappear. So, there's not a whole lot I can do for these clients when they freely and voluntarily confess to everything (and sometimes even more!) and then, after being arrested and given their Miranda rights, repeat exactly the same information to the cops. I mean, honestly, what exactly am I supposed to do with that? I'm a lawyer, not a fairy godmother. I can help you identify illegal stops and seizures, violations of your constitutional rights, file motions using case law and statutes you've probably never heard of before since you have a different, less-nerdy job, and I can argue your case--assuming you haven't completely destroyed it before I even get to see it.

Case in point--I've had a few clients accused of violating No Contact Orders because texts come from their phone to the protected person's phone. All right, sure, there's a presumption that if it's from your phone, you probably sent it, but that's not always the case. So, let's make the State prove that it's you that actually sent it--oh wait, the cop asked you about it and then you said that you sent it. Well, there goes that option...

Also, when the client fully confesses on video after getting her Miranda rights read to her to driving while intoxicated, she tells me that she wasn't driving at all and then insists that the State cannot use that video of her confession against her because she was too drunk to even know what she was saying. When I gently explain that yes, they can use that against her because she's confessing post-Miranda to a crime, she gets upset and asks me what I'm going to do to keep that from being used against her. Hmm...well, I guess I could try...hmm...yeah there's nothing I can do for that.

I'm not exactly sure what people think a lawyer does. I don't make things disappear. I can't convince prosecutors to drop cases where clients have confessed. Hell, I can barely convince prosecutors to drop cases when it's blatantly obvious no crime was actually committed and the cops were just overzealous a-holes. I can't make crimes non-criminal, I can't erase the DWI test results (especially if it's a blood sample), I can't fix it when clients confess. And somehow, that apparently makes me a terrible lawyer, according to these clients.

Well, I'm just the messenger sometimes. When I am explaining your extremely limited options and telling you that it's unlikely we'd win at trial, it's not because I'm being a jerk or not doing my job well enough. It's often because the client decided to make the State's case for them by confessing to everything! And they are just so mad that my lawyer title doesn't endow me with various sorts of magical powers.

Clients--do yourself a favor. Just shut up. You are never going to be able to talk your way out of things if the cops are eyeing you as a suspect for a crime. Sure, you might get arrested because the cops don't have your side of the story. But, guess what? When you tell them that yes, you were drinking before driving, yes you hit that person, yes you stole that thing, they will arrest you anyway. So, it really doesn't help you at all. In fact, it only hurts you, because then I, as your lawyer, have almost no grounds to work with. If you are freely telling them everything, there's not much I can do. The cops aren't your friends and they aren't going to understand your side of the story. Just don't say anything. PLEASE. Give me something to work with here! And, if you choose not to remain silent, don't get mad at me when I can't somehow make that taped confession disappear.

Sigh...

Know what's awesome? Winning.

2009-12-03T18:42:00.000-06:00

I won my first jury trial today!!

Not guilty on one count of misdemeanor assault. It was pretty kick ass. I was pretty surprised, actually. So was my client since she and her mom and sister were convinced that we'd lost based solely on the fact that my client is black and the jury was white. But, when the jurisdiction is one of the whitest counties in the state, there's not a lot of chances of pulling any non-white jurors. But, we won and they started quietly clapping in the courtroom when the judge read the verdict.

The real kicker in the case was my impeachment of the witnesses. The prosecutor had obtained a surveillance video he deemed "worthless" but he sent me anyway. I realized that it showed the witnesses not looking out where the supposed assault occurred during the time it was happening. So the prosecutor didn't want to use it, but I sure did. I went frame by frame and asked the witnesses, "So in this one, you're not looking at the incident? And again in this one--not looking?"

It was pretty awesome. The prosecutor was extremely experienced (and a super nice guy--he's really cool and a genuinely good person) but I still managed to win, which felt awesome. Especially after losing to that crappy intern in the last trial.

Yay for winning!

Who knew deliciousness was so simple??

2009-11-22T21:43:00.000-06:00

I love chocolate lava cake. LOVE IT. There's nothing that I could love more as far as desserts go. So delicious... But I always thought that it would be so complicated to make. Boy, was I wrong! Here's the recipe for them and who knew it was only 5 ingredients?!

Chocolate Lava Cake:
4 oz bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
4 oz (one stick) of butter
3 eggs
1/4 c. flour
3/4 c. sugar
cocoa powder

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Grease 4 large ramekins and "flour" them w/ the cocoa powder. Melt the chocolate and butter together in the microwave (watch carefully!) or a double boiler. Whisk eggs, sugar, and flour until just blended.

Next (this is the trickiest part), gradually add a little bit of the hot chocolate/butter mix to the egg mix and whisk briskly. It is really important to tempter the egg mixture slowly this way--if you do this step too fast or toss too much of the chocolate into the eggs, then the heat of the chocolate will cook the eggs and you'll get scrambled eggs. So add a few tablespoons of the chocolate and whisk it in, then repeat, two or three times. Then the eggs should be up to the same temp and you can just add the rest of the chocolate mix in and whisk it all together.

Once it's all mixed, pour into the ramekins. Put on a cookie sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes--the sides should be firm-ish and the tops should look done, but a toothpick in the center should NOT come out clean (otherwise you have no lava). The cook time is a bit flexible. Depending on how lava-y you like it, you can cook it longer or shorter. I would recommend keeping an eye on it around the twelve minute mark and go a minute at a time. They will continue to cook for a few minutes after you take them out of the oven, so keep that in mind. They might look a little too undercooked, but then you let them sit and they are good to go after a few minutes.

Serve warm for most deliciousness. Mmmm...

An Interesting Look at Attraction

2009-11-14T14:10:00.000-06:00

When I was about three or four, I remember being absolutely in love with this man:

I was convinced I was going to grow up and marry him one day (because I didn't realize he wasn't actually someone I'd ever meet...).

As a grown-up, I fell in love with and married this man:

The similarities are bizarre...

Is it just me or...

2009-11-10T22:20:00.000-06:00

does anyone else constantly think that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a cold, emotionless, devoid robot due to the fact that the first time you saw him he was the Terminator in "Terminator" and "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" (in which he asks young John Conner "Why do you cry?") and now that is forever burned indelibly in your brain, so you can never, ever think of him as anything else no matter how hard you try??

...what?... I can't help it.

Man, "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" was so amazing.

2009-11-08T16:34:00.000-06:00

Well, I've come to the conclusion that my family must think that I am only pretending to be a lawyer. I must have some other job that I do to make money so we aren't homeless and the job I do is not important or relevant to any real legal work.

I have reached this conclusion based on two events. They are actually semi-humorous, in a way, since they are just so strange. The first involved a conversation with my father, which went something like this:

Dad: Well, your cousin just got arrested on felony charges. He's got like aggravated robbery or something.

Me: Is he in jail then or did he bail out?

Dad: I think he has his hearing today for the bail. These are pretty serious charges, right?

Me: Well, yeah...generally felony agg robbery is pretty serious.

Dad: So he should have a lawyer?

Me: Yeah, that's a good idea. If he has his bail hearing today, they should give him an application for a public defender, so he can apply for one if he's not working.

Dad: Well, if they are really serious charges, do you think he should get a public defender or should he hire a real attorney? (emphasis added by me)

Me: Dad! I am a real attorney. Public defenders are real attorneys.

Dad: No, no, I know that--I just mean--you know what I mean!

Me: No, Dad, I don't. I'm just as much of an attorney as someone whose clients pay them. They only give out one type of bar exam and one type of bar admission.

Dad: Yeah..ok, you're right. Sorry.

Ouch...my own dad used the "real attorney" thing on me...sigh...

Event two occurred just recently, when a close family member was arrested for a DWI. Misdemeanor DWIs are kind of my bread and butter, since they make up about 40% of my caseload. For those of you who have not been arrested in MN for a DWI or haven't practiced law in MN, I'll briefly explain that when someone gets arrested for a DWI, they get taken down to the police station and the cops read them the MN Implied Consent Advisory, which says, in a nutshell, that the cops think you've been drinking before driving and that they want you to take a test to determine how drunk you are. They tell you that refusal to take the test is a crime and that you have the right to contact an attorney to help you decide whether you want to take the test or not and the cops will give you time to contact an attorney if you want it.

So, close family member gets picked up for a DWI. His wife lets me know right away, since he called her from the squad car. So, I anticipate a phone call, since he'll get a chance to call an attorney and he knows what I do for a living. But, no phone call. Nothing. So I thought, well maybe he called someone else in the phone book if he couldn't remember my number. Nope. He just didn't call anyone. Now, he knows I can't represent him in court (my full time PD position doesn't allow for that) but he also knows that he could call me for some general idea about what he can expect.

I can't help but wonder what it is my family thinks I do. Because clearly, they do not think that I am a real attorney who assists people on a daily basis with their DWI cases and other criminal matters.

Man, even when I make it to my goals in life, I still can't convince anyone to believe me that I actually did it. Dang...

Five years. And some other stuff.

2009-11-08T09:26:00.000-06:00

This blog has been around for five years this month. Five years...what amazes me is that I've had enough to prattle on about for five years. Geez. Although the fact that this has been ongoing for five years isn't the sole topic for today, I did feel that it was worth mentioning and giving a little "heeeeeyy!" to this little pink blog o' mine.

The Twins traded my favorite player, Carlos Gomez. Now the Twins are dead to me. Jerks. Watching Go-Go Gomez was like 80% of why I even cared to watch, especially when they'd play Fatty McSlowass Delmon Young instead. He's such a tool. I hate him. And now he's going to be playing every day. Puh-leeeeze.

Didn't go to trial this last week. They decided to plead guilty at the last moment. Sigh...wish they would have decided that earlier so I didn't sit there and do all that trial prep. Whatever.

I had/have more to say, but I'm really tired and sort of have a migraine, so this is it for now.

Trial again

2009-11-03T19:16:00.000-06:00

It looks like I'm going to be in trial again starting tomorrow. It's been about a month since my last one. This will be number 3 in jury trials if we actually end up in trial. At least I'm getting practice, right?

I've got 2 scheduled for tomorrow--we'll see if they both actually still want a trial when I get there tomorrow. One is a disorderly conduct and an obstructing legal process. We've got a good argument for self-defense on the disorderly conduct, but there's nothing that I can think of for beating the obstruction charge. Dude walked away from the cops when they asked him to stop and then refused to put his hands behind his back. Can't really explain that away...

The other is a disorderly conduct as well. Not sure that one actually fits the statutory definition of a disorderly conduct, but I was gone for his pretrial (out for my grandfather's funeral) and so the attorney covering for me said we had no pretrial issues and we got set on for the jury trial. I'm planning on making a motion for judgment of acquittal after the state presents their no evidence and hopefully that works.

And...yeah...that's tomorrow for me! Yay!

Halloween 2009

2009-10-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

I'm going as Bret Michaels for Halloween. I'm also going as Bret Michaels to our annual public defenders' meeting tomorrow. There are prizes for the best costume!

So, here's a picture of former Poison frontman Bret.

And here's my test run of the costume this evening:

Not too bad so far. Not too bad... Now I just need to practice asking people if they want to continue to stay in the house and rock my world ala Rock of Love, Rock of Love II, and Rock of Love Bus.

I'm the shy, anti-social one

2009-10-25T20:02:00.000-05:00

I went to church in my new suburban ward today. And then I remembered that large groups of Mormons freak me out.

Having only gone to a "singles' ward" over the last few years (read: single young adults 18-30), I had forgotten the cacophony of crying children that exists in normal church meetings. It was so loud!

And then I was going to sneak out after the first hour, because I don't know anyone and I am crushingly shy, and sure enough, someone catches me and asks me who I am. Dang it. No being discreet, I guess.

Then, in the process of giving him my contact information, two more nosy people come over and want to know who I am. Can't I just be unknown for a bit? I hate things like this...it makes my anxiety skyrocket.

Then, about two hours ago, I get a phone call. It's someone from church. She wants to meet me, she'd like to know when a good time is that she could come over and visit and get to know me.

Sigh...

I know I should be glad that people are so friendly. But I'm not. I hate friendly when it's bombarding me. I'm too shy for all that. I don't want anyone to come over and visit. I don't want to meet a ton of people. I don't want to stand up and introduce myself and talk about stuff. I want to slip in the back quietly, leave discreetly, and get to know people gradually, when I decide I want to meet people.

Instead, I now have to return this woman's phone call or look like a rude jerk and then I'm going to have to "visit" with her and I am going to be very uncomfortable/have raging anxiety issues.

I just want to be the quiet, unnoticed one until I'm ready to branch out. Blech.

I don't even care how lame it makes me

2009-10-24T13:43:00.000-05:00

I bought a Snuggie.

Shut up! I don't even care that it's just a stupid backwards robe!! Because you know what? It's not just a backwards robe, ok? A) It's way too big to be a robe unless you're like 800 pounds and 2) it's way too long to be a robe unless you're a giant. So stuff it up your butt and stop mocking me.

As you can see, it's extremely sexy and attractive. Creepy monk-like attire is going to be all the rage soon and I'm going to be at the cutting edge of fashion.

Besides, as you can see in the first picture of the box, it's pink for breast cancer. So, really, I had to buy it or breast cancer would win. I'm just doing my part.

I've had it for less than 24 hours and I think I'm in love. I'm going to buy another one for the office.

Insert job here

2009-10-22T19:55:00.000-05:00

Looks like the barely-missed layoffs will actually start coming to life in January. Which is bad news bears for me.

The plan to save jobs was to lobby the legislature hard to write law allowing the Supreme Court to impose an additional $75 fee on lawyers' yearly registration fees and to create a special Public Defense Account where that money would go so it could be used for public defense only. The legislature passed the law. However, the Supreme Court has not ruled on it. And so, the more time that passes without the fees being imposed, the more of a budget problem we have. Which means people will start getting laid off. Which means that I will get laid off. Because I am still the low-man on the totem pole.

There's been talk about our district losing 5 attorneys. We've got 18 full time attorneys now. That would put us down to 13. Thirteen full time public defenders to cover 11 counties.

Well, I'm sure that will work out perfectly.

In the meantime, I'll be back to applying for jobs, watching daytime TV, and generally being depressed. More so than I was before, because now Hat's laid off too and we'll shortly be homeless after I stop being employed.

Awesome.

How do you defend those people?

2009-10-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

I am a public defender.

I work long hours. My work is never done. As I drive home each night, the names and faces of my clients weigh heavily on my mind. I know I missed something, somewhere. Something didn't get finished. Someone was left wondering where I was, why I didn't call them back, why they can't get help from me.

I am surrounded each day by the cast-offs of society. My clients are homeless. They are poor beyond people's comprehension. They suffer from mental illness and they are unmedicated. They are without family, without friends, without someone to care about them. They are struggling with addiction. My clients lack basic necessities. Letters I mail get returned because my client doesn't live there anymore--they are without a home. Phone calls are impossible because they don't have access to a phone. They don't have a ride to court. They don't have a ride to anywhere. They don't have much, if anything.

They are afraid. They are confused. They are not sure that they can trust me, because I look like them--the prosecutor, the judge, the cops. I wear a suit and I carry a briefcase. I am called "Counsel." Do I work for the system? Just another person to box them in? Who am I to them? I somehow have to make them understand that I am here for them, I am in their corner, their fight is my fight, I am their voice in this chaotic sea of courtroom theater.

But it is hard to make them understand. It is hard because I do not have enough time. They need more than I can give them, because there are so many of them. Each case I close out is replaced by two or three more. The tidal wave is never ending. My clients keep coming and I cannot give anymore than all the hours in the day to them.

In the courtroom, I am the outlier. I am not one of the Good Ol' Boys. The prosecutor, the cops, the probation officers. They all are against us, my client and me. It's us versus the world. I am not viewed as an integral and necessary part of the system, but rather a technicality, a box to check off to ensure my client has a "fair trial." I am not an essential element in the protection of government intrusion into the lives of the citizens--I am simply an impediment to a conviction. I am not a guardian of the Constitution--I am an annoyance, a bother, a roadblock. My role in the system is tolerated, but not appreciated.

At times, I am asked to be something different than my client's voice. At times, I am asked--and expected--to be the lynch pin, the one to seal the deal. I am close to my client, I can gain their confidence, they will listen to me, so I can then herd them in to the guilty plea faster. I can convince them with enough wheedling and parental-like sighs to take whatever is being offered. The others in the courtroom expect this, want this, look to me to make this happen. When I dig in my heels and resist, when I stubbornly refuse to become nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Conviction Machine, the eyes begin to roll. The sighs are resounding. The side-long looks and crossed arms over chests are unmistakable. I'm clearly not following the plan.

I make motions to suppress evidence that was illegally obtained. This is not viewed as my attempt to protect my client from unnecessary and unlawful intrusion by the government--this is seen as a "technicality." I am saddened to my core that the things I love so much--the rights, freedoms, and ideals that our country was founded upon and that soldiers have died for over the decades of our nation's existence--are being described as "technicalities." The word makes my mouth go sour.

Mine is an uphill battle. The presumption of innocence is often a fallacy, a legal nicety that no one--except defense attorneys--believes. I lose. And lose. And lose. I lose everything. I lose bail arguments. I lose motion arguments. I lose trials. I lose sentencing arguments. I lose and lose and lose. Because no one really sees who my client is. They see the crime. They see the words in the complaint. They see the black letters against the white page and they do not see the person who sits beside me, the person who is scared, the person who is sick with untreated illness, the person who is homeless, the person for who ever single day is a fight. They do not see the person there, the one who society has rejected in every way, the person who shall forever now be known as "a criminal," the person who I am honored to be sitting next to. So I lose and I lose and I lose. But, my client still thanks me. My client still shakes my hand. My client still feels like someone heard them, someone fought for them, someone believed them. Someone stood in their corner when the whole world turned its back on them. I am that person.

But there are too many of them and not enough of me. The hours of the day slip away faster than I can believe. I wake up at 5:30, trying to get more time in the day, but it seems to disappear just as fast. I stay well past 5:00 p.m., trying to find time to get to all my clients, but the sun sinks over the horizon in minutes and then suddenly, the day is done and I can do no more.

I get to a typical court session, with so many files that the straps on my bag are fraying. They soon will fray completely and the strap will tear off, just as three others before it did. The files are too heavy, too numerous for a bag to hold. My shoulder starts to ache from the weight on one side, so soon I will have to switch to the other side.

I have not met with most of these clients. They are names on a file folder still. I should have spoken with them before today's hearing, but there was no time. My days are spent rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I will meet them here for the first time. I call out their names, one by one, to a mass of people, some my clients, some not. I pull them one by one into a conference room. I have only a sliver of time before court begins. Many times, court begins without me and those names on my list are skipped, put at the end of the line, so the court can continue to operate.

I speak quickly with each client, trying to learn the important things of their situation. I try to explain complicated legal concepts--things that I went to school for seven years and obtained a doctorate level degree to understand--in less than 10 minutes to my client, who is lucky if they graduated high school. I try to explain to them their options, their case's good and bad points, and the offer from the prosecutor, in a matter of moments. I am telling them something that, in most cases, will affect the entirety of their lives. I must do this as quickly as possible and if they ask too many questions and start to take too long, I must tell them to call me later, the other clients and the court are waiting on us. I hate it. I want to give them the time they deserve. I want to answer their questions. I want to take away their anxiety, their fear, their worry, their trepidation, and their uncertainty. But I can't right now. The court clerk is informing me that "the judge is waiting, the judge is on the bench." We need to go in now.

This would not be ok in any other setting. This would not be ok if my role was respected, if my clients were treated as the innocent people they are unless and until conviction. No one gets a letter from a hospital saying, "You have a serious, potentially life-threatening illness. Please show up on this day with 15-20 other people who also have life-threatening illnesses and your assigned doctor will meet with you for 1-6 minutes to discuss your illness, your treatment options, and the consequences of said options. Your doctor will not have spoken with you before this meeting, nor will he have had time to review your file before this meeting. One whole minute of your limited time will be taken up by the doctor skimming--not reading, but skimming--your file. Then he will attempt to explain complicated medical procedures and terminology to you in the remaining time. You will not have time to get your questions answered and after your meeting, you will be expected to make a decision about which treatment option you are going to pursue. Once you decide on an option, there's no going back, so make sure you know what you want! But again, you won't have time to ask questions."

My clients shuffle in one by one, like cattle. They are angry at having to wait so long. They are angry that they've tried to call me--several times--but every time I've been unavailable (every time I've been in other court hearings for other clients). They are angry that the prosecution won't offer them a better deal. They are angry that they got stuck with a crappy court appointed attorney, because as the saying goes, you get what you pay for.

The sad truth is that my role is not only worthless to the court system, but often it is to my clients as well. They have heard about the horrors of being represented by a public pretender. With so many cases, we try to "dump" as many as possible. We don't truly care about fighting the fight--we just want to clear the docket out as quickly as possible. We don't return calls, we are never available, we don't ever have time to discuss anything, we aren't in our offices, we only meet with them once or twice.

Sometimes, those things are true. The volume of clients means constant days in court. That means calls go unreturned for several days, in-person meetings before the court date are rare, and getting ahold of us is fairly difficult. But, much of it isn't true--most of us truly want to do the best we can for our clients. We work long hours, we are despised by everyone we meet, we average many more losses than wins, and we do not make nearly the money a private attorney could make despite doing the exact same work. And we do it because, in our hearts, we hold the ideal of fighting the good fight, working for the little guy, empathizing with the unloved, reaching out to those who are in need of a hand. We do it because something in us drives us to shun the fancy cars and Iphones that a private attorney's salary could buy us, the trips, the season tickets, the shiny shoes, the designer suits. We do it because for us, it is a joy, a pleasure, an absolute honor, to sit down next to the client who has only one nice shirt that he wears each time to court, the client who tried his best to wash the car grease out from under his nails so the jury will view him better, the client who sticks out like a sore thumb in this courtroom of decorum and pomp and manufactured reverence. But the only ones who ever know that are the other public defenders. Even the clients don't see that--not at first, sometimes not ever. But we do our best.

Sometimes they drive us crazy. Sometimes they make us beat our heads against the wall in frustration. Sometimes they baffle us, sometimes they confuse us, sometimes they enrage us. But they are always people to us, never just the crime, never just the black words on the white page. And we are always their voice. Always their advocate. Always the only one in their corner, slugging it out in an all out brawl against the Big Guys.

And that is why I am always saddened when their calls go unanswered because I cannot find the time to call them back, why I am always saddened when their frustration with my unavailability to them is clear in their voice on my answering machine, why I am always saddened when I close my office door at night and the darkness sweeps over the mountains of files that still need work done on them, why I am saddened when they are upset that their case is taking so long and has been rescheduled so many times to accommodate my chaotic and overburdened court schedule. That is why, even when I am not working, I cannot stop thinking about work.

Our ranks grow smaller every day. Budget constraints, layoffs, burnout. People leave because they need to stop thinking about their clients all the time--they seek a job that ends at 5:00 p.m., they need a job that doesn't haunt them with unfinished work or things that slipped by. People are laid off because the money to keep them employed isn't available. Our scrappy army of patchwork attorneys shrink more and more with every passing year. Our resources get more and more strained and things like "experts" and "paralegals" and "investigators" become luxuries that we and our clients do not have access to, but private attorneys and their clients do.

And as our men are picked off, one by one, we begin to drown. One public defender at a time. We reach to save each other, but we are all drowning. Just at different rates. And soon, survival instincts kick in--we must save ourselves. We must ease the flood of incoming clients. We must get rid of some of them as fast as we can. We are in the boxing ring all the time--eventually, we get too tired to fight, to beat up to try anymore, and we just want to get it over with.

They stop being people to us then--they are only names on file folders. They are one more thing to deal with in our already crowded day. It becomes easier to wheedle them, give them parental-like sighs, and direct them down the path of least resistance--the guilty plea--instead of fighting anymore. We become just one more cog, one more turning wheel, in the Conviction Machine, the system of grinding out guilty pleas regardless of guilt or innocence. The clients aren't people anymore--they are just black words on white pages. And then, we have betrayed what it means to be a member of this noble, hallowed crowd. The fight against this ennui is never-ending. Much self-restraint is needed to resist the urge to become nothing more than a public pretender.

I work with little to no resources, I am at constant risk of being laid off, and I make significantly less money to do the same job as other attorneys for more people. seek to make things better for one person at a time. I am loathed by the courts, the cops, the clients, the consensus of popular opinion. I stand alone in the courtroom in the fight for my client. I am undervalued and under appreciated. I push the boulder uphill every day, all because I love the ideals embedded in our Constitution.

I am a public defender. I would never wish to be anything else.

In New York

2009-10-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

Well, the Twins game on Tuesday was epic. That's really the only way to describe it. It was amazing. Twelve innings of insanity, nail-biting, gut-wrenching tension and excitement. And we won!! Woo-hoo!! It was freaking awesome.

However, after that, my dad called me and told me that my grandfather had passed away. I didn't really know my grandpa--I'd only met him once--but I could hear in my dad's voice that he was upset. I asked him if he wanted me to come to the funeral with him, since my dad pretty much can't stand his brother and the rest of the family and he said if I could make it, that would be appreciated. So, on Wednesday, we packed up the car and made the drive out to New York, where I currently am posting this from. We're in a tiny little rural town in New York, complete with a whole lotta nothing.

The funeral isn't until Monday, which means we've got a few days to kick around and figure out ways to entertain ourselves. Much like I anticipated, upon arrival last night, my dad was already in punching-his-brother-in-the-face mood, so our arrival helped dissipate that. At least my dad can spend time w/ Hat and me instead of the rest of the family that he can't stand.

Perhaps we'll take a trip up to Cooperstown and see the Baseball Hall of Fame. Or maybe, just maybe, we might try to head over to Yankee Stadium and see tonight's game, although that might not be possible. Could be sold out and/or too expensive. But, who knows. Guess we'll see.

Awesome Tuesday

2009-10-06T06:26:00.000-05:00

So far, today's shaping up to be awesome! Last night, I made this delicious recipe for caramel apple oatmeal, which I will include below, and Hat made cinnamon raisin bread last night, so I woke up to probably the most delicious breakfast ever. Then, I am going to go to work for a half-day today and at lunch, I will be heading home to pick up Hat. Then we will be off to the Twins v. Tigers tiebreaker game for the AL Central Division! Woo-hoo! It's gonna be a good day.

Here's that caramel apple oatmeal recipe. It's delicious. You all should try it immediately.

1 apple, cored and chopped
1/2 c. oatmeal (regular or steel cut, not quick oats. I prefer the steel cut because they have a better flavor)
1/4 c. pearl barley
1 1/2 c. apple cider or 100% apple juice
as many Kraft caramels as your heart desires (you can usually find these in the baking area, where the chocolate chips, etc. are or in the candy section)
1 container of caramel apple yogurt or apple yogurt (optional for creamier texture)

Break out the crockpot. Spray the sides w/ nonstick cooking spray. Dump all the ingredients except the yogurt in the pot and give it a stir. Before going to bed, turn the crockpot on low. In the morning, give the oatmeal a good stir (the apples will have risen to the top and it will look like all you have is apples until you stir it). If you want to add the yogurt, now's the time to do it. Serve.

Easy as that! And it's delicious. The recipe calls for granny smith apples, but I tried it with honeycrisp apples since I have a rabid love of this Minnesota delicacy, and it gave it a much more mild apple flavor than when I previously made it with granny smith apples. It's really good.

I rule.

2009-09-30T19:25:00.000-05:00

Best office prank ever:

1) Purchase a crazy buttload of those pine tree car air fresheners. Bonus for an extra noxious smell--I chose strawberry.

2) Tape them underneath your coworker's desk. NOT by the string--tape them flat so they aren't visible.

3) Close your coworker's door.

4) Let the hilarity ensure.

I did this after work today. I cannot wait to see his reaction tomorrow when he opens his door to Stinky Strawberry Surprise.

Catch up

2009-09-27T21:14:00.001-05:00

Well. We lost. Big surprise there. Because why would we ever win in the counties I work in?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely bitter about it. 1) Because he didn't do it and that was pretty freaking obvious. 2) Because I lost to that stupid intern. She had a catchphrase for the case, which was "the proof is on the roof." (My client supposedly tried to steal bumper covers from a junkyard by putting them on the roof of his car). So I lost the the stupid intern w/ her stupid Dr. Seuss-esque "proof on the roof" crap. How ridiculous.

I'd write more about it but it will just make me angry. Suffice it to say that after losing that one, I was upset enough about the loss that I actually questioned for the first time whether I'd have the emotional where-with-all to keep doing this line of work. I was so upset I couldn't stop thinking about it and I even got into a squabble w/ Hat over nothing because I was just in such a foul mood. And my guy's case was a misdemeanor theft--I can't imagine what I'd feel like if I lost a murder case or something where the client would end up in prison forever. Not to mention I really felt like if it was actually possible for me to lose to "proof on the roof" and have all her witnesses testify in favor of my client's theory of defense and still lose, then really, what difference does it even make if I'm there since the outcome is still exactly the same? Apparently, a prosecutor can get up there, scratch their nuts, belch, and then sit back down and the jury would think that was a well thought out argument and convict the defendant. So, it was a rough Thursday and Friday. But, tomorrow's another day. Gotta get back up on the horse.

Hat and I ate dinner for the first time at our dinner table tonight. It was really nice. I think we might make it a habit. Maybe. If there's nothing good on TV...

And finally, we've got tickets to the second to last game EVER at the Metrodome. I'm so sad there's no more Dome after this season! I know everyone else is really excited about the new Target Field, but I am not. I hate the weather--I hate the cold, I hate the excessive heat, I hate sweating, I hate being wet, I hate weather. I like being in a climate controlled environment like the Metrodome. Stupid obsession w/ outdoor baseball. Get over it--we're in MN, damnit. We don't have the right climate for outdoor baseball. Besides, how am I going to get a Dome Dog w/o the Dome?

Well, let's hope we destroy the Tigers 2-game lead. Goooooo Twins!

Trial Day One

2009-09-24T06:48:00.000-05:00

It's 6:42 a.m. and I have to start getting ready for the day in three minutes, so I'll make this quick. I'm in Day Two of a trial that started yesterday, where I actually think my client is innocent. He's accused of misdemeanor theft (of course it's misdemeanor--it's my case) and the prosecution offered him an incredibly good deal, but he didn't want it. He's never had a trial before, so he's nervous but he also is optimistic, which is good.

The prosecution is being represented by one of their student attorneys. I don't like her very much. She's very fake-sweet in a way that's exceptionally obnoxious. Plus, she always sounds snotty and condescending when she talks. I don't know if she even realizes it, but she does and it makes me insane.

And I almost couldn't believe it yesterday when, after opening arguments and after the jury was excused for the day, she asked the court to direct me to "follow proper courtroom procedure" and refer to people only by their first AND last names or Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So. The only person I'd referred to by first name was my client, who I actually referred to him by a shortened version of his first name (like how James can become Jim or Herbert can be Herb). The judge asked if that's what she was talking about and she said yes, to which the judge responded, "No, I'm not going to do direct Counsel to do that. I'm generally ok with the defense referring to their clients by their first name. Anyone else needs to be properly named, but I don't think I heard Counsel do that. So, if it's just her client, that's fine if she calls him by his first name."

Seriously? Pick your battles...

That's my man.

2009-09-13T16:34:00.000-05:00

Actual conversation while driving with Hat today:

Me: Barf--I hate Pink. Change the radio station.

Hat: (changing station) I do hate her terrible music.

Me: Plus, she spells her name with an exclamation point.

Hat: What?! She does?

Me: Yeah. She spells it P-exclamation point-N-K.

Hat: Stupid. You know how I spell it?

Me: How?

Hat: P.....nis in her butt while she's sleeping.

Ahh, is it any wonder why I married him? What a charmer.

Easy come, easy go. Also, I hate Americans.

2009-09-04T20:59:00.000-05:00

Well, my murder case is no more. His family hired private counsel for him. Insert sad face here. However, I'm hopeful that the extremely redonkulous cost of taking a murder case to trial with a private defense attorney will be prohibitive and he will end up back in our client list. Apparently, this has happened several times before. But, thank you to everyone who offered encouragement! At least I know that I was trusted by my managing attorneys w/ a murder case, even if it fizzled out before it really got started.

Now, onto my next thought, which is that I hate basically everyone in the county. The reason? Stupid crap like people getting up in arms when the President wants to tell school kids to try hard and stay in school. I hate you, Americans. You're morons. MORONS. At least, anyone who thinks this is an "indoctrination" of school kids is a moron.

But, my disgust and loathing of most Americans has been brewing for awhile and it's only things like today's bruhaha that make me want to beat my head against the nearest wall. Other things that drive me crazy include when people call Obama/his administration "socialists," "communists," or worst of all "Nazis/Hitler." The last one is particular disturbing because of the complete and utter disrespect it carries. Not disrespect for the President (although there is that), but disrespect for the millions of people who died at the hands of the Nazis and Hitler, disrespect for the memory of the unimaginable horror that was the Holocaust, disrespect for the survivors of that terrible time and the descendants of those people and the people who died. Government run health care is NOT the same as the systematic rounding up and slaughtering of millions of people. Stop being such disrespectful assholes and stop trivializing such a monumental historical time. If you hate Obama and his administration and his plan, fine. I don't care. But, at least have the decency to keep the Holocaust out of it. I also thought the same thing about people calling Bush a fascist and whatever other ridiculous buzzword they wanted. No, sorry--NOT THE SAME.

Mostly I hate Americans more and more lately because we don't think. It's like, if it's on Facebook or Twitter, especially by a politician or pundit, then it's true and then we can get all inflamed about it. And no one can disagree respectfully anymore--it's all name-calling, low-blows, and dragging the other side through the mud. Some of my closest friends are Republicans and I'm a true blue Democrat. And we don't see eye to eye on everything. But that's ok because we don't need to. It makes things interesting. Why can't we do that today on a broader level of society? Why can't we just disagree? Now we feel this need to throw sand in each other's eyes. It's pathetic. What happened to passionate but intelligent political discourse?

I found this website today: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/ It's interesting. I liked it quite a bit. It takes all the current things people/pundits/politicians have been discussing maniacally ranting about and checks them out for truthfulness. And it's not one-sided, either, which is nice.

Although Michele Bachmann is included and she has 6 statements that they checked out. She does come out w/ 3 "false" statements and 3 "pants on fire" statements, but that's because she's a blithering idiot. St. Cloud is in her district and that is a really stupid town. That's the same town that didn't understand that Hat's Indian friend (dots not feathers, as he describes himself) wasn't black. They couldn't understand that "black" refers mainly to people from Africa or of African descent and he was Indian, as in from India and that India is a different country than Africa. So, clearly they aren't firing with all engines there. Which explains Michele.

Ugh. I'm done. I could go on and on but then this would just become a tirade and we just bought Guitar Hero 5, which means I need to be playing "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi immediately.

Later.

"...shot through the heart, and you're to blame...you give love...a bad name..."

This should be an interesting transition...

2009-09-02T19:05:00.000-05:00

So...

I found out today that I got assigned as co-counsel on a second degree homicide. Which is going to the grand jury to see if it will become first degree. Hmm...

Needless to say, I feel extremely underqualified to be on this case. All the disorderly conduct misdemeanors in the world would not make me ready for a murder case, and certainly not after only 6 months on the job.

I wouldn't want me as co-counsel if I were the client, because I'd like someone with some experience, please.

My co-counsel on it is not much more experienced than I am, although he's handled more than his fair share of felonies and been on a few murders. He's been there for about three years.

I did find out that Chief picked me to be on it because, essentially, I'm young and therefore more aware of cultural differences and not a racist. The client is Somalian, so Chief must have had some concerns about some of the older attorneys ability to empathize and understand cultural differences that may be present.

I did have a wave of nausea though when our investigator had pulled together newspaper articles about it and I thought, "Oh no...the paper is following this? Oh man, I hope they don't publish anything about me. Everyone will see how crappy I am!"

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really overwhelmed with the responsibility of working on a murder case. I'm really freaked out by it.

New Client Form

2009-08-25T19:40:00.001-05:00

I'm going to make a new client intake form for my files. Here's a rough draft of the new form.

Name:

File Number:

Charge:

Age:

Phone/Address:

Number of times client has called before I've gotten the file:

Does/does not call multiple times a day, less than an hour apart each time.

Does/does not leave 2+ minute messages on machine.

Smells like:
__ Old People
__ BO
__ Cigarettes and/or Booze
__ Dog/Cat
__ Dirty Clothes
Other________________

Client's versions of events includes the following theories:
__ I only pushed him/her and he/she fell on something, causing the extensive injuries
__ Cop is racist
__ Cop has a personal vendetta against me
__ That is not me on the video
__ All the witnesses who ID'd me are wrong
__ He/She hit me first, but I only have minor or no injuries and he/she is beat to a pulp
__ I wasn't drinking, even though I failed the tests and blew over the limit
__ The cop is lying in his police reports and changed the audio recording to match his changes
__ I was only speeding a little
__ That's not my booze/pot/weapon despite its presence in my car
__ Cop ran my plates and that's an invasion of my privacy
__ Cop wouldn't show me the RADAR reading
Other ___________________

Client would like the following outcome:
__ Dismissed
__ Dropped
__ Resolved w/o a plea to something and w/o a trial
__ Not to come to court ever
__ For attorney to make this go away
__ For attorney to wave a magic wand
__ For attorney to just talk to the judge and explain things

Client has more than 10 priors/more than 20 priors.

Client does the following to assist in the case:
__ Will not return phone calls
__ Fail to appear for hearings
__ Has "witnesses" but no contact information for them or even a last name
__ Misses meetings with attorney
__ Moves and/or changes phone number and doesn't inform attorney
Other: ______________________

Client displays the following characteristics:
__ Lies
__ Can't keep track of lies so tells attorney different stories each time
__ Gets mad that attorney can't convince the prosecutor to dismiss
__ Calls the day before trial after attorney has left several frantic messages
__ Comes to court in inappropriate attire
__ Demands a jury trial up to the moment the trial is going to start, then suddenly changes mind
__ Misses court w/ no notice to attorney
__ Misses court and leaves a voicemail during the hearing about why they aren't there
__ Tells attorney really important information the day before trial
__ Doesn't listen
__ Accuses the attorney of telling them things the attorney never said
Other: _____________________________

Client does/does not pay attention to what the attorney said and does/does not call later upset because they don't understand what's going on.

I am just trying to update my facebook status!

2009-08-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

The following are all inappropriate times and/or places to ask me your legal questions:

1. On facebook. Especially if I haven't spoken to you in years and you are only now speaking to me on there because you want/need my help. Here's the problem(s): a) I am on FACEBOOK and trying to play Mafia Wars, NOT answer legal questions. b) If it's not criminal law related, I don't know. And criminal appeals, I also don't know. I only know criminal trial information. Otherwise I don't know and if I'm on facebook, I'm not in a location where I can easily find out.

2. At a party. I'm trying to enjoy myself, not get pimped for free legal advice. Also, I probably don't know the answer, anyway (see above).

3. At a family gathering.

4. Pretty much any time that it is not M-F from 8-12 and 1-5.

I try to be fairly nice when it comes to my family or close friends running something by me real quick. I've checked out stuff or offered a quick summary of what I know about something in those cases. But for pete's sake--it's my job, people! I don't want to be CONSTANTLY doing it. I don't ask doctors random, involved, complicated medical questions when I meet them socially. Nor do I accost them on facebook because I found out from reading their inffo that they are a doctor. I don't want to answer your legal questions 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don't know you very well if you're only asking me on facebook or at a party, so I don't feel particularly generous in those settings. Guess what? I paid $160,000 in tuition for this knowledge. I'm not forking it over to strangers for free. Either pay me (assuming I wasn't prevented from private work because of my position as a full-time public defender) or go pay another attorney. There's a reason lawyers charge for their services. Asking me to solve your child support issue over the nachos at a party isn't a good idea. I can't because I don't know and I wouldn't even if I did because I don't know you.

And if you really want to know my free legal advice, feel free to commit a misdemeanor offense in one of the counties I work in. Then I'll be more than happy to answer your questions. But until then, let me just play some damn Mafia Wars!

I'll just keep the windows rolled up and the volume down low

2009-08-22T21:53:00.000-05:00

I really like to listen to "This American Life" podcasts while I'm driving all over the damn state for work. I find the stories generally very interesting (sometimes there's a boring one or two) and they are an hour long, so they help pass the time.

The problem is I'm embarrassed to admit that I like it.

That's because there are some people (me) who think that people who listen to NPR shows (also me) are yuppie a-holes. And I don't want people (me) to think I'm one of those yuppie a-hole who listens to "This American Life" (me).

Augh...internal contradictions...

Sometimes the little things are the best.

2009-08-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

It's Hat's birthday today! He's 24! (I know, I'm a cradle-robber. But hey, he's hot. What can I say?).

I've prattled on about my douchenozzle of a week enough so far, so instead, I want to share a moment that I recently have been very proud of myself.

Hat and I, along with two friends, went to a Twins v. Red Sox game at the Metrodome. We were seated in the good seats, by first base. There were many many Red Sox fans at the game. And they got ballsier as the night went on. So ballsy, in fact, that there started a cheer amongst them. It started slowly and then it caught on, until it was loud and discernible. Those em-effers were chanting, "Let's go, Red Sox! (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap) Let's go, Red Sox!"

I was offended. You are here, in my Metrodome, home of the Minnesota Twins, chanting, "Let's go, Red Sox?" Shenanigans. You do not get to chant the opposing team's cheer at the home team's stadium. So, I took matters into my own hands.

I have a rather low voice for a female. In fact, it actually dropped while I went through puberty, just like a dude. Attractive, I know. However, it sometimes comes in handy, such as this particular evening. I did what any loyal, low-voiced Twins fan would and should do: I cupped my hands around my mouth to make an impromptu megaphone and I let out a long and loud, "Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!"

And then, slowly but surely, the Twins fans around me picked up what I was doing. And they started to join in. And soon, the entire stadium of Twins fans--all 25,000 of them there--were booing so loudly the Red Sox fans' chanting was completely drowned out.

I started a massive boo-fest. Awesome.

And then, much like Joe Mauer getting his two homeruns in a single game, I did the same thing again later in the game, when again, the uppity Red Sox fans tried to start their chanting again. Once again, I belted out the deepest, loudest, longest "Boo!" possible and once again the whole stadium caught on.

Yes. I really did start an entire stadium of 25,000 people booing. Twice.

I rule.