Sunday, August 25, 2013
It's been very difficult to feel passionate about work now. It's hard to feel excited about what I am doing because things are just really not clicking for me the way they used to. I have started to dislike being @ work, which really sucks. I want to feel excited & passionate & driven again @ when I am working on my cases. I don't want to be a crappy public defender who doesn't connect w/ the clients & who doesn't have the fire in the belly for this work. But I worry that maybe I am starting to lose my fire. Instead, I just feel...tired & worn out all the time @ work now.
I am trying not to let that be my default attitude @ work. I am trying to find things that make me feel excited & passionate. But so far, things aren't changing. I really hope this is just a phase.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
I have been crazy sick since Friday. I left work early on Friday bc I started to feel it hit me. My throat was really raw & sore, so I was hoping to try to catch it before it really took off, but it was of no use. I spent all day Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and most of today feeling like death. Monday & Tuesday were the worst, since that is when the deep, hacking cough started. So that's been fun! I have managed to cough so hard & so violently that my abs hurt.
Thankfully, the worst of it is over so I will be going back to work tomorrow. But the timing sucked bc I was finally going to be in trial this week for the first time since last October! I was looking forward to being in trial bc it has been way too long since I have been able to do one. Ugh. But, given that I was coughing up phlegm & had almost completely lost my voice on Monday, I wasn't make to go in to work & my trial had to be postponed.
But it looks like I will have a chance to do another trial soon, since I have a number of them scheduled to start over the next few weeks.
Ok time for a nap. Getting better but not entirely back to normal!
Friday, August 09, 2013
I mean, who cares what I think? I'm just some fear-mongering public defender who gets criminals off on "technicalities" (also known as "your constitutional rights"). I mean, I am clearly conjuring up the most ridiculous, far-fetched scenario possible just to freak people out. It's so unlikely that something like that would ever actually happen.
Except for that time that is totally did.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
I had 2 motion hrgs today. The first was for a sentence modification, which the State opposed. I won that motion. Which was a kickass way to start the day.
The other one was the state requesting an order to collect a DNA sample from my client, which I opposed. The court took it under advisement.
I considered that a momentary win. The State had 3 officers there to take the sample (I don't know why they needed 3 but they were all there). They assumed the court would grant the State request on the spot & they would take the sample right there. But that isn't what happened. Instead, all 3 officers left empty-handed while the judge makes his decision. I heard one officer zip his kit back up after the judge made his statement re: under advisement & it made me feel all smug inside.
And tmrw, I am going to post something about DNA that is crazy!! So hold on to your butts!
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
People seem to think that bc I am skeptical that I will date anyone in the future that that somehow means that I have a low opinion of myself or that I lack confidence in myself or something along those lines. That is completely not the case.
I think I am the shit. If I were a dude, I would totally date me in a heartbeat bc I am a phenomenal girlfriend. Here is my list of awesome girlfriend characteristics that would make me want to date me:
*I am ridiculously funny
*I am smart & educated
*I have a good job
*I am super low-maintenance
*I am rarely, if ever, jealous in a relationship
*I firmly believe we need separate time w/ just our friends & w/o the partner.
*I don't get mad & then not say why bc "he should just know!" Bc that's moronic unless you're dating a psychic.
*I don't bring up old arguments in the future.
*I'm pretty & have a great rack
*I can hang out w/ my guy's friends & actually have a good time.
*I scream @ the TV when watching the Twins.
*I actually eat real food
*I am super good @ making out (or so I have been told on many occasions)
*I loathe drama. I prefer a drama-free relationship, thanks.
*I like playing video games
And so on & so forth. So basically, I think I am the bee's knees. My belief that I won't be in another relationship isn't because I don't think highly of myself. It's bc, as a straight woman, I am stuck dating guys. And guys are, by & large, idiots (although I will concede that there are exceptions to this & that I do actually know some non-idiot guys, but they aren't the norm). Basically, about two months into dating a guy, he turns into a moron. They either get all weird bc I am smarter than them in something (like, you know, the law...). Or they get all weird bc they feel threatened that I don't NEED a guy to take care of me (but I have no problems w/ being some hot, rich guy's trophy wife, just for the record!). Or they date me for awhile & then forget that I am a fucking catch & start to take my awesomeness for granted & then dump me (cough, cough, YKW, cough, cough). Or the guys that are interested in me are guys that I would never go out with (clients, for example, or creepers or clingy, needy, smothery guys). Or they do that weird thing where they put me on this pedestal & idolize me to the point that they will let me walk all over them, which is really unattractive.
Essentially, the reason I think it's highly unlikely I will date anyone else is bc I have to date guys & guys are terrible relationship partners. It's not me--I am the shit. It's them. I don't need to be told to have more confidence in myself or to work on my self-esteem. I need someone to make guys stop being royal idiots.
Because have I mentioned that I am fabulous? Bc seriously...I am fabulous.
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
We have a full time intern this summer @ the office. He is very funny. Most recently, he asked me why one of my nails on each hand was a different color than the rest. I said, "It's called an accent nail. Ask your wife, she'll tell you about it."
Then yesterday, at lunch, he tells me & CB that he asked his wife. "She said she had heard of it, but didn't do it because she thinks it's stupid." CB & I disagreed with her opinion.
Later in the evening yesterday, I get a text from the intern. It says: "My wife would like me to inform you that she actually does find accent nails cool. She just doesn't do them because she isn't good at them. She also wants me to tell you that I am stupid."
I laughed for like 5 minutes straight.
For real, best intern ever.
Monday, August 05, 2013
YKW moves to Iowa tomorrow. I know this bc he told me. I don't exactly know why he tells me these things, but he does.
The interesting thing is that I don't really care about it. I remember when he told me initially, I was devastated. But now, I don't really have any feelings on it one way or the other.
It's strange, when you really think about it, how quickly someone can stop loving another person. He told me he wanted a divorce on September 20, 2011. We had been together for 6 years & I loved him more than I could comprehend. I couldn't imagine a day without him in it. And now, less than 2 years later, I can't imagine a day with him in it. He is no longer someone I think about very often. In a way, it's quite sad how quickly the heart can stop loving someone. But in another way, I am grateful for that.
YKW still texts me. I don't know why & again, I don't really care one way or the other. For awhile, it made me hope we might fix things. Then it made me angry that he would even think I wanted to hear from him. But now, I just don't really care. If he wants to text me, ok. If he doesn't, ok.
I suspect his need to stay in touch despite having absolutely no reason to do so stems from either a sense of guilt for what he did & wants to make amends of some kind or a desire to keep one foot in the door with me, just in case he decides he wants me again. I can't think of any other reasons why he would want to stay in touch. Neither reason makes much sense to me, bc I have already told him I have forgiven him & the reconciliation ship sailed when the divorce became final. But I suppose he has his reasons & I don't really care what they are.
It's taken awhile, but I feel good again & it's an incredibly freeing feeling to know I don't care what YKW does anymore. My life is good w/o him & I am happy (for the most part).
It feels so damn good to realize that I have finally been able to let go.
Saturday, August 03, 2013
I meet with my therapist for what will most likely be the last time tomorrow. I am a little scared about that, but mostly I am somewhat relieved. Because I think that not needing to see him anymore, not needing to work through everything with him anymore, is the final goodbye & last door to be closed on my old life. I don't feel like I need help coping anymore. I feel okay again.
My life certainly isn't perfect. Work has been a definite struggle since being assigned in my current county. I am not happy with my weight currently & don't feel super attractive lately. I still feel lonely @ times. But overall, my life is pretty good. Especially when compared to this time last year. Last year my heart & spirits were so low, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to stop feeling miserable & despondent. I wasn't sure if I would ever stop loving YKW. I wasn't sure if I would ever have the strength to make it through everything. So, life is far from perfect right now, but it's substantially improved from a year ago. And for that I am grateful.
I think sometimes about whether I will meet someone else in the future, but I don't think that's in the cards for me. I am pretty gun-shy @ the thought of being in another serious (or not so serious) relationship, for one. And for two, I am not the type of chick that guys seem to want to date. Although, I have gotten 2 marriage proposals from guys who follow me on Twitter & another one who told me he thinks he is a little bit in love with me, so I guess I am pretty charming online? But I am the relatively the same online as I am in person but the charm seems to fall flat in real life. But whatever, it's totes fine since I don't even know what I would do in a relationship anymore besides freak out & get all anxious & flighty.
So I doubt there is a relationship in my future but I am not wasting time worrying about that. It is what it is. I have enough other things in my life to occupy my time.
In an unrelated but interesting note, someone who just recently started reading my blog told me it was very funny & said he didn't know how I can came up w/ this stuff. My response was just, "That is what it is like in my head all the time. I just write my blog in the same voice & language as how I think." So, yeah...reading my blog is basically the same as spending time listening to my internal monologue .