Happy New Year

Here's hoping that 2012 is better than 2011...

Worst Christmas Ever

I got loneliness for Christmas. Phenoms.

What's the point of life if it only consists of surviving? What's the point of trying when nothing comes of it? 
It's time to go back to the girl I was before I met him. Closed-off, cynical, pessimistic, bitter, tough, slow to reveal my real self to people, and never, never, never letting anyone get too close. I let him get too close and I got burned.  Never again.

There will never be a next time

People tell me things like, "You'll get through this" and "Things will get better" and "You are a strong person and you can handle this."  But none of those things are helpful or true.  I don't believe that things get better. Things get different, but not better.  Life has always been trading one crap situation for another and this is no exception.

Seriously, those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing over a montage of photos of diseased animals are the worst advertising campaign ever. I can't even watch them. I just change the channel well before any information about how to donate comes on the screen.  Try again, ASPCA. With less diseased animals next time. Thanks.

Frightening reality

There was a shooting at a northern Minnesota courthouse yesterday afternoon.  The alleged gunman is a defendant who had just been convicted at trial and shot the county attorney three times, as well as shooting three other people.  The defendant's attorney ran to help the county attorney, who had been shot in the leg and in the stomach and was bleeding heavily.

This saddens me. I am in a courthouse nearly every day of the work week. My courthouse has bailiffs and technically has a moveable metal detector that occasionally will be plugged in and pushed into place so people (myself included) have to actually go through it, but 99.9% of the time, the detector is shoved aside, unplugged, and out of the way.  The reality is that something like this could happen easily in the courthouse I'm in almost every day, because people generally know each other, the court people know each other, it's just another day at work for most of us and we generally don't expect to be shot while at work.

I think about that defense attorney having to use a belt to cinch the county attorney's leg wound and the county attorney asking the defense attorney to make sure his wife knew he loved her and I get chills.  It's way, way, way too easy to imagine myself in a similar situation, tending to one of the prosecutors I work with all the time as they tell me to make sure their spouse knows they love them. It's really frightening and creepy.

Prayers go out to everyone impacted by this terrible event.

Dropped my phone in the toilet. Fml.

I'm not real

Supposedly time heals all wounds, but I don't think that's true.  I think time lets you know how to hide the pain or how to work around the pain, but doesn't actually heal the pain.  If I suddenly had a stabbing, throbbing, shooting, agonizing pain in my legs when I walked, I'd learn how to adjust and walk so as to lessen the pain on a daily basis.  But, the pain would still be there and it wouldn't take much--just a thoughtless misstep--to bring it back full force.  I think in some cases, the pain never stops being there.  We just learn how to maneuver around it so it doesn't hurt so bad every day.


I feel like that's what I've been doing lately--maneuvering around the pain.  I am very good at pretending I'm fine.  I'm so good in fact that people tell me quite often that they are amazed at how well I'm handling everything.  I go to work and I joke around and I laugh and I go out to lunch and I make my courtroom arguments and I smile and I do things as if nothing is wrong.  I go out with my friends and have a good time and laugh and get dressed up and enjoy my time.  But, underneath it all is the reality--I feel like I'm dying inside.

At least someone missed me

I'm being smothered by my cats since getting home this evening. They keep following me around the house and meowing and crawling on me the second I sit down and/or lay down. I take it they missed me a little...

Well it's nice to feel loved, even if it includes way more smothering than I'd go for.

This is true

M Thru F: Well When You Put It That Way, Life Seems So Much Simpler

Whoa, smart phones!

So, apparently my smart phone has an app that lets me blog from my phone! (If any of you tech-savvy readers already knew that, shhhh...I'm slow on these type of things...).

And I can even post photos! So, here's a photo of my adorable but very strange cat.

Down to .666 average and other news

Well, I lost my most recent felony trial.  That sucked a lot, especially because I thought we had a really good case.  I was pretty disappointed when we lost and was in a foul mood for the rest of the day and into the next one, as well.  The only good part about the whole thing is that I know for certain that my client felt like he had good representation during his case.  I know this because he told me.  After my closing argument, I sat back down and he leaned over and said, "Guilty or not guilty, you did a great job.  I just wanted you to know that."  And then after we got the verdict, he said, "It sucks, but you did the best you could do and that's all I can ask for.  I have no complaints--you're the best lawyer I've ever had and I've had lots of public pretenders in the past."  So, while losing the trial really, really sucked and I was really disappointed, I took some solace in the knowledge that my client knew I'd put my all into it and that there was really nothing more I could do--no second guessing that if I'd only done this or that, then maybe the jury would have acquitted.  

People with torsos longer than their legs freak me out.

Tomorrow is the first major holiday without You Know Who. To stave off the tears, I'm heading to Chicago to hang with RV and RN. BFFEs to the rescue!

I've decided I don't really like living alone...

Felony trial number three starts today. Let's see if I remain undefeated.

Why I love my job

On Wednesday, I was lurking around the courthouse waiting in between hearings, just sort of milling around in the common area.  There was a man there waiting around, too, and he came up to me and said, "Hey, you're a lawyer, right?"  I told him that I was and he said, "I can't remember your name, but I think I've heard of you."  So, I told him my name and he said, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard about you. I've heard you do a lot of good work for people.  They really like having you.  You're a really good lawyer." 

I was really surprised because I'd never met this guy or seen this guy before, but it sure was awesome to hear that.  Definitely made my day.  Actually, I think it even made my week. 

Grocery shopping for one person is one of the most depressing times of my life.

Tonight I stopped praying for him to come back to me. Instead, I asked God to help me stop loving him.

Just breathe

We're starting couples' counseling on Thursday.  I convinced Hat to go by asking him to at least go with me so that someone, some third party, could help me understand his reasons for leaving.  Shockingly, just hearing that he's "done" and doesn't want to try to fix things because he "doesn't want to" or because he "doesn't have the energy" isn't exactly enough of an answer for me.  So, he agreed to go to counseling but ONLY for the purpose of having a therapist help me understand why he's leaving.  He's also agreed to get a screening for depression, since pretty much everyone who knows him has asked if that is the problem.  


I'm not sure what to expect at this counseling session.  It's only our first one, so I suppose not a whole lot will get accomplished.  But, I'm still nervous about it.  I'm always nervous about stuff like that. 


In the meantime, I'm trying to maintain my happy demeanor in front of Hat as much as possible.  So far, I've been pretty successful.  And actually, he's warmed up to me a lot lately, which I think is a good sign.  On Tuesday night, we went out after he got off work and ate a late dinner.  Some time during that night, he put his wedding ring back on.  We didn't discuss it or anything, he just had it back on once we got home (we drove separate since he was coming straight from work).  I asked him about it a couple of days later and he said he put it back on because I had asked him to (back on September 23...which he didn't do until just this last Tuesday, so I don't know if I believe that's the only reason he put it back on).  And on Saturday, we went out to dinner and a comedy show and had a very nice time.  It wasn't super romantic or anything, but it was fun and at the end of the night, he was much more like his old self--at one point in time he even called me by his nickname for me (possibly out of habit without even realizing it) and before I went to bed, he asked me for a hug twice.  So, as hard as it is to pretend to be fine and happy and like nothing is bothering me, I think it's actually making things better at home since I'm not constantly sobbing. 


I am cautiously, slightly hopeful that we may still work things out.  We are still married until we're not and if we stick to the original plan to wait to file for the divorce until the end of our lease, we've got a long, long time (like until July 31, 2012) before we're officially done.  He decided in less than a month he wanted a divorce, so it's not a crazy to think that a lot can happen in 10 months.  Especially if part of the problem is undiagnosed depression on his part. Considering he has a substantial family history of it (meaning every male on his mom's side and his mom), it's a possibility.  So, I'm trying to work on getting myself prepared for the worst (divorce) but hoping for the best (reconciliation and continuation of our marriage). Who knows what will ultimately happen, but I can't at this point in time just throw my hands up in the air and say, "Oh well!"  We've got almost a year still before we'd be divorced--who knows what can happen in that time?  So, I am going to try to continue to keep my crying in check for the time being and see what comes of the counseling/depression screening.  


I refuse to give up that easily.  I'm not ready to concede defeat just yet.

Coping

Well, it's been a long week and a half, to be sure.  It hasn't been all bad, although a lot of it has been bad.  I'm trying to just focus on what makes me happy (outside of my marriage, obviously) and try to do those things.  I've been trying to keep a positive attitude each day, even though that sometimes feels impossible.  Work helps somewhat, since it can at least distract me for a bit.  But, it's never a total distraction because the situation with Hat is always on my mind, just in the background.  But, I'm trying.  

The worst part is that the loneliness that accompanies this is so incredible and profound.  Even when I have my wonderful, supportive, caring friends helping me, with me, making sure I'm functioning, etc, there is still this constant sense of loneliness over me.  When I'm alone, at night especially, it becomes almost overwhelming how alone I feel.  Although I know logically that I'm not the only person who has ever had their spouse divorce them, it feels like I am the only one.  

So this divorce diet is working out great for me. I've lost 11 pounds since Tuesday.

Second verse, same as the first

I worked from home today because yesterday I couldn't manage to get through one hour without having to go into the bathroom to cry.  I just accepted the fact that I would be crying again today and since I didn't have court today, I worked from home to avoid crying at work.  


Due to our current financial situation, neither one of us can just walk out the door right now.  Which means that for the time being, Hat's moved into the den--which is actually a second bedroom but which we use as a den--and I'm left in our bedroom, alone.  I had to rearrange the room just to make it so that I could be in there by myself, because leaving it like it always had been felt too horrible.  It still feels horrible, but now it's a different kind of horrible.  It's the kind of horrible where I know it's only like this because the other way was even more horrible. 

"Heartbroken" doesn't begin to cover it

Out of the blue, Hat has decided that he wants a divorce.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  I'm physically sick about it and I haven't eaten since he told me because I don't think I can keep it down.

I didn't notice anything was wrong.  We haven't been fighting.  We've been having a good summer together, going on trips and vacations.  I thought we were doing just fine.  But apparently not.  So, he wants a divorce now. 

In the process of this revelation, he has cut off everyone he knows.  He isn't really talking to his friends much, his dad has told me that he isn't responding to his dad's texts/phone calls, he disabled his facebook account because he "didn't want people to attack" him through facebook, etc., etc.  He also can't explain to me why he wants a divorce other than he's "not happy."  When I ask him what he means by that, he says he doesn't know.  When I asked him if he thought that a divorce would make him happy, he said he didn't know.  He also doesn't have any plan on what he wants to do after we separate--he doesn't know where he will live, how he will pay his bills (since I'm the one who is the financial support in the house at the moment while he's attending school), where he will get health insurance or car insurance, nothing...he hasn't thought about anything practical.  Everyone who knows him is having the same reaction, which is, "What?! This is so out of character for him!!"

The thing that makes this so much worse is that I asked him if we could try to work on it--couple counseling, etc, anything.  He said he didn't have the energy to try.  So, although we've only been married for a little over 2 years, he's just crapping out without even trying.  It's miserable. 

I can't stand how much this hurts.  It's the worse feeling I've ever had in my entire life.  I wish I could make it go away, even just for a few minutes.  I can't even get any relief from sleep--I keep having dreams about this situation!  It's a never ending horror.

Client Archetypes

The court system can quite often feel like a never-ending treadmill.  There's so many people going through it and it never stops.  The interesting thing is that although there are so many people from so many different walks of life, there seems to be some typical characters who make up the public defender clients.  These people are not the majority of clients, by any means.  But, the typical behaviors of these people are so consistent from each one to the next that I've started to create categories for them in my mind.  Here are the 9 categories for the various types of clients:  


1. The Panicker--This client requires a lot of hand-holding (figuratively, not literally).  Every time they call, it is an emergency.  They will leave breathless, anxious, rapid-fire messages about how they must speak with you immediately, regardless of the fact that you've told them many times that you are in court a lot of the day and may not be able to get to their call immediately.  When they can't reach you on your line, they will call the front office staff and leave them the same message--it's an emergency.  If you don't call back within 10 minutes, they will start calling you every 10-20 minutes and either hanging up when the voicemail kicks in or before then.  They are not anxious or panicked in the way you might normally expect a person to be when charged with a crime.  They are anxious and panicked no matter what you do or say, no matter how much you talk with them or reassure them, no matter what you do, they remain panicked.  They are exceptionally needy as clients and are never satisfied, since they constantly are filled with panic. 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

One of my non-lawyer friends said something very funny the other day, which I needed to share:

This weekend, I was telling my friend how I had just recently gotten assigned to an attempted first degree murder case.  I said that I'd already done a first degree murder case in February and now I had an attempted murder case in the same year.  My friend's response was, "So, is that like hitting for the cycle* in a lawyer's world?"



*"Hitting for the cycle" is a baseball term that refers to a situation in which a player hits a single, double, triple, and a home run all in the same game.

The "Public Defender" title

So, within the last year or so, the court in one of the counties where I work has put together a panel of volunteer attorneys that are willing to help out by covering low-level misdemeanor cases.  This is to help alleviate some of the less serious cases that are usually assigned to the public defenders.  The volunteer attorneys step in and take on some of these misdemeanors, meaning that the public defenders have fewer cases.  So, it's basically a panel of volunteer defense attorneys that handle cases for public-defender eligible clients to help out the PD's office. 


A few of these panel attorneys call themselves "volunteer public defenders."  This bothers me. It bothers me for a few reasons.  

Best. Video. Ever

This video is hilarious.  I laughed until I cried.  It's got an excessive amount of swearing, but if you've ever owned a cat, it very aptly describes what cats are like.  Seriously, hilarious.

Excellent Monday

Well, as far as Mondays go, this one was pretty good.  And for those of you who aren't from Minnesota, when a Minnesotan says something is "pretty good," that means it's excellent.  If something is actually pretty good, then we will say it was "not bad."  

Today started off with a jury trial that I knew was not going to go to trial.  One, because someone else was going to trial and two, because my client had indicated that he wasn't really into having a trial if it could be avoided.  So, I had already talked to the prosecutor about giving my client a continuance for dismissal on his case, which he agreed to.  So, my client's felony case is now a continuance for dismissal, which is awesome.  Especially awesome because that prevents him from getting in trouble with immigration courts because, as I have found out since Padilla, everything gets you deported whether you are here legally or illegally.  Even two petty misdemeanor shoplifting tickets can be enough to get you deported.  It's a bit extreme.  So, the continuance helps my client out with that, too. 

Then, at my next hearing for the day, where my client had a pretty serious drug charge, I managed to get her bail reduced by 90%--a rare feat in most of my cases.  I was pretty surprised that the court went ahead and reduced the bail.  I had prepared my client to not be surprised if they found themselves with the same bail or such a slight reduction that it made no difference.  So when the bail was reduced that significantly, I was pretty surprised and my client was understandably pretty happy. 

My last hearing of the day was a misdemeanor.  It's a rather classic situation:  the allegations are that my client caught their partner with someone else, so they alleged beat the someone else up.  It's too bad that "they deserved it" isn't a defense sometimes, you know?  But, my client had no criminal history and the allegations lined up for some pretty awesome facts for us at trial, since I think I'd have a good shot at getting at least one person on our side with that kind of scenario.  So, I asked the prosecutor if he'd go for a continuance for dismissal and--bam!--he did!  Two for two in one day on the continuances for dismissal!  So, again my client was very happy about the outcome.

Oh, yeah, and I have hot new hair since I dyed it this weekend.  So, I was looking supa-fly.  But, that's pretty much a given. 

So, overall, a pretty sweet Monday.  

Sidenote--it's come to my attention that, given my extreme dislike for regular pants (sooo uncomfortable and constricting!!), I will at some point in time need to break down and buy myself a pair of pajama jeans.  Shameful?? Maybe a bit.  But, if they really do look like real jeans, that would make them less shameful than the Snuggie, (of which I own three!!) since it wouldn't be immediately apparent that it was that thing from TV.  It'll happen eventually.  When it does, I'll be sure to let you all know if they are as magical as they seem.

If I were a cat, things would be awesome.

It's no secret that I'm rather hedonistic.  I'm fully aware of that.  However, if was only when Hat pointed out to me recently that I'm the only person he knows who hates sweating that I realized just how intensely I despise things that aren't pleasurable.  There are many things that I really hate and that I am incredibly annoyed with that apparently other people don't think about.  Like sweating. 

Blah

So lately I've been feeling very blah.  I'm not sure why.  It's not low thyroid meds, since I'm on a new dose and have been for awhile and I'm feeling better overall now.  So it's not that.  I'm not sure what the problem is. 


I've been feeling just kind of bored with everything, I guess.  There's not anything in particular that is wrong.  It's just sort of routine and boring.  I feel like it's my own personal "Groundhog's Day."  Every day seems to bleed into the next one and the next and the next. 


I can't say I'm unhappy necessarily.  I'm just bored.  Everything is fine.  Work has been the best (read: least overwhelming and fewest crying sessions) that it has been pretty much since I started.  Hat is still wonderful as always.  We aren't lacking for anything and we have most of the creature comforts that you'd expect--cable, internet, big ol' TV (thanks again, Dad!), video game systems, functioning cars (with warranties still for extra bonuses), etc, etc.  But, I'm still bored/blah.  


I sort of wonder if the problem is that I'm out of goals.  I've accomplished the major life goals I set for myself when I was younger.  Go to college--check.  Go to law school--check.  Get a good job making decent money/not be on welfare like I was as a child--check.  Get a job as a public defender--check.  Get married to someone awesome--check.  Aaaaand now I'm done...so, I'm supposed to be basking in the gloriousness of my accomplishments.  Instead, I'm constantly thinking, "This is it? Getting up at 5:00 a.m. is not what I'd expected as basking in the gloriousness..."  It's a lot less spectacular than I had expected. 


And being a grown-up is a total rip-off.  It's no where near as awesome as I thought it would be when I was a kid.  Being a grown-up was supposed to be full of no bedtimes, no rules, and having so much fun because I could do whatever I wanted.  None of those things are true.  I do have a bedtime, since I have to get up so early for work.  There are rules, like that I have to wear a suitcoat all the time at work (barf) and I have to have insurance on my car (expensive).  And it's not so much fun because I can't do whatever I want.  I have to do things that I need to do or am supposed to do.  Someone should have told me that being a grown-up is not nearly as sweet and magical as it seemed.  Instead it's full of responsibilities and bills and work and buying toilet paper.  Ugh... 


So, maybe it's that I'm out of goals now and I expected it to be way more chock-full of awesomeness than it is.  Maybe it's that being a grown-up isn't as fun as I thought it would be.  Maybe it's because doing the mundane things, like buying toilet paper and toothpaste and paying bills and getting an oil change, are just that--mundane. 


I'm not sure what the problem is but I wish it would go away.  Part of me feels like telling the other part of my to STFU because nothing is wrong so just be happy w/ that.  But the other part of my is still bored and I can't shake it.  I wish I knew how because I would really like to not be bored anymore.  It sucks. 

Matt Capps is the worst closer in baseball.

And I'm exhausted...


I worked out today for the first time in forever.  Ever since the car accident, I've been really out of shape so I decided now was the time to get back into shape.  But, I forgot how freaking hard that is!!  I did a lot of squats and lunges and now I can barely move.  I'm like a little old lady, hobbling around.  It's pathetic how out of shape I am...


In other news: it looks like the MN state government shutdown is going to be at an end soon.  Thankfully, I wasn't directly affected by it since the public defenders were considered essential services and constitutionally required to continue functioning.  But, it was still frustrating that we had to deal with this again (there was a partial shutdown in 2005).  The news came out today that the governor and the leaders of the two houses had reached an agreement so apparently the shutdown will end soon.  


Things at work have settled into a pretty steady routine, which is a nice change of pace.  I'm hesitantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the hellhole of too many cases with no time and me freaking out and crying to revive itself, but I'm enjoying the current state of affairs.  I've got regular office days since January, so I have been able to establish a routine where I met my clients at their first court date w/ an attorney and then I set up a meeting with them on one of my regular office days.  I can also use my office days to review the audio/video before the omnibus hearing so I can actually KNOW if there are any omnibus issues before we get to court.  Shocking!!


The nice thing is that I haven't had to ask for a continuance due to not being prepared in months. When I do need a continuance, it's been for the client's reasons--in the hospital; sick; etc.  Not "I'm not prepared because I didn't get a chance to look at this case..."  It's really been nice to be able to find a groove after like 2+ years of feeling like I'm constantly being pulled apart in 50 different directions.   I still have overwhelming days, but the frantic feeling of "OMG I can't handle this" has subsided.  


I also recently won an omnibus hearing and got my client's case dismissed for lack of probable cause.  That was very, very exciting.  When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands over my mouth in disbelief.  I was so surprised in a freaking awesome way.    I won against one of my favorite prosecutors, who is super crazy smart, so that was both fun and awesome.  The best part of all was the judge dismissed it for a reason that I didn't even argue.  Ahahahaha!  Excellent.    I think that is the first felony omnibus hearing I've had, so it was pretty sweet to win it.  I'm killing it lately.  I won my first felony trial, then my second one, and now I've won my first omnibus hearing.   Feels good to know I'm not wiping out on these felonies like I worried about when I first started doing them.


It's very weird that I just started doing felonies a year ago.  In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago.  I took over in July and last July was full of panic attacks and crying and looking/feeling like a moron in court.  I didn't think that w/in a year, I'd have a perfect trial record and feel competent enough to work on felonies w/o constantly needing to ask other attorneys for help. 


And I've enjoyed working with the prosecutors in the county attorney's office, too.  It's really nice to be on good terms w/ the opposing side, since I've never understood why some people feel like they have to be at war all the time w/ the other side.  I get frustrated when other attorneys take that attitude because I find it very unnecessary.  I mean, as much as I love what I do and as much as I value the work and the principles behind it, at the end of the day, it's my job not my life.  So, if I win or lose, I still go home at the end of the day and watch "Teen Mom."  I don't need to hate the opposition because they have their job to do.  And thankfully, the county attorneys I work with seem to have the same perspective on things.  So, we can get stuff resolved pretty often and they were very understanding when I first started and didn't know what the heck I was doing. 


All of those things--finally having regular office days; finding my groove at work; and having good relationships with the prosecutors--have really taken a huge chunk of the stress away.  I haven't cried at work in like 4 months or more!

I just won a contested omnibus and got a felony case dismissed! I'm on fire lately!!

Upheaval

Upheaval is like the trend this June, apparently.  There's a bunch of things currently in the middle of upheaving (is that a word?? It is now...) and it's messing with my brain. 


Thing 1: Impending state government shutdown
(Read more about it here)
In a very short nutshell, the state government has till July 1 to pass a budget for the next fiscal year.  As an aside, I never thought I'd use the term "fiscal year" since that has to do w/ math and economics and business and I'm incredibly slightly deficient in those areas.  At any rate, if there's no budget passed, there's no money for government services and the state shuts down.  Meaning every state employee (including this girl!) gets laid off.  At least, in theory.  In reality, there's a court hearing next Thursday to determine what services are "essential" and need to continue to run even if there is a shutdown and PDs are among those.  You know, that whole "constitutionally required" thing...


So, we all got layoff notices (I pointed out to Hat that since I technically was hired w/ the understanding I would be laid off in July of 2009, it made sense I was finally getting my layoff notice!).  And then we all just kind of collectively shrugged our shoulders because it's pretty unlikely the courts and the PDs would shut down.  So, while nothing has been decided yet, almost no one is panicking about it.  It is still a bit freaky when you think about it though. 


Also, I don't think I've ever gotten a layoff notice before.  It's nice to know that my first one really isn't that serious. 


Thing 2: 
The attorney who left last July and whose cases I took over in the Great Felony Dump of 2010 is returning, along w/ a few other attorneys who took leaves of absences last July in order to save other people's jobs (meaning: my job!).  This doesn't appear to be an issue as far as me getting laid off now that she's coming back (except for in the event of a state government shutdown, of course!).  Rather, it appears that there will now be too many attorneys in the county I'm currently working in.  There would be a total of 5 of us in one county.  This attorney isn't coming back to take the felony caseload back--she's actually going to be doing another attorney's caseload.  


So, that means that someone needs to be removed from the county and moved somewhere else.  And it's either me or the other attorney whose caseload is being taken over by Returning Attorney.  My vote is for other attorney. 


Oddly enough, I seriously doubt if you told me I'd want to stay on the felony caseload about a year ago, when I was crying basically every day and hyperventilating in panic, I would have punched you in the face for even suggesting such a thing.  However, after a year of felonies, I kind of have my groove down now.  I've got a great schedule worked out w/ court administration.  I'm available for court hearings M-W and the first and third Friday of the month.  Thursdays and the second and fourth Fridays are my office days/jail visit days.  Arguments about scheduling have pretty much entirely ceased since about last December.  


I got my formula down for how I handle the cases--meet clients at the Rule 8 hearings, schedule office meetings with them to discuss their cases, work on resolutions and/or trial.  I've got great relationships with the prosecuting attorneys and we get like 99.9% of our cases resolved in a way that my clients are satisfied with the outcomes.  And, somehow, I've gotten the reputation of being one of the good public defenders, so I take that as proof that my clients really are satisfied w/ the work I've been doing. 


And, let's not forget, I'm undefeated in felony trials.  I just have one more prosecutor to beat in trial to complete the sweep (which I told him and said I was going to send him a picture of a broom and say "SWEEEEEEP!!!"  He thought that was pretty funny.)


So, despite how unlikely it may have seemed a year ago, I'm actually enjoying working on the felony cases.  They definitely have more interesting search/seizure issues than most of the misdemeanor cases.  And, it is definitely going to be difficult to get fired up about someone's driving after revocation or no insurance ticket after doing felonies.  Not that I wouldn't do my best, but having had people get sent to prison for anywhere from 15 months to the rest of their life, it's hard to see 10 days in jail as a significant amount of jail time.


At any rate, I've got my fingers crossed that I won't get moved out of my county.  It's the closest county to my house, which is also convenient.  It's nice to do things like what I did today, where I left the office at 3:45 to drive to the jail and visit with a client for an hour and then headed home.  The city that courthouse and jail are located in is right in the middle of the distance between my house and my office.  It's like a straight shot to court/jail and then another 15 minutes in the same direction for the office and vice versa.  So, that's really nice, too.  Fingers crossed I will get to stay!!


Thing 3:
Hat called me today slightly nervous because a prosecutor had left him a message saying he was going to be subpoenaed for a trial.  He wanted me to call her back because he didn't know what it would be about or why and I was an attorney so I would be better at talking to her.  So, I called and left her a message telling her who I was and that I was a PD so my husband had wanted me to talk to her because he was kind of freaked out by her call.  She called back and was very nice and polite and explained that Hat wasn't in trouble and explained why she needed him to testify.  And after I talked to her, she said she might end up just subpoenaing both of us to testify.  


We'd be very inconsequential in the overall case, but it's still a little strange to out of the blue be involved in some stranger's court case (and not as their attorney!).  And I saw Hat's initials in the complaint and that was very bizarre.  I read complaints all day long, so it's very weird to have my husband in one of them, even if it was very brief.  So, we'll see what happens with that whole thing.  I told Hat what the prosecutor needed him for and said he would be fine talking to her if she wanted to talk to him more.  Then he wasn't so freaked out.  


All right, that's all the unheaving at the moment.  Time for bed!

Nothing like a migraine when you wake up to get you REALLY motivated for a day of court appearances. Ugh...

Pants are a pain all the time. Wearing them...making them...

I have been trying to sew a pair of pants for about 1 1/2 months now.  Ever since Hat got me that sweet sewing box for my birthday, I've been working on a pair of pants for work.  The first pair didn't work out because I messed up the pattern and they were too small.  This was a major setback since the pants were almost completed and I was really upset over that mistake.  But, I re-started the pants again and I'm now almost done.  I'm like 3 steps away from being completely done with the pants.  I will be extremely excited if I can complete the pants and they actually look decent!  Pants are tricky...very, very tricky, as I've discovered.  I'm sewing the hook-and-eye clasps on tonight and then I'll just have to do the hems and I'm done!!


Pictures will be forthcoming--assuming they don't look stupid.  If they look stupid, then there will be no pictures. 

Television brain-suck

OMG..."Sister Wives!"


I seriously can't stop watching this insanity.  Because these women are crazy!!!!!!!


It's terrible and I really should stop watching.  Except I can't...

I'm batting .1000!!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!  My second felony jury trial ended today around 4:15 p.m.  Jury came back around 7:30-7:45--not guilty on both felony counts.  Wooooohooooo!!!!


The minute before the judge reads the verdict is the most stressful, nerve-wracking, and terrifying minute ever.  The second after he says "not guilty" is the most amazing, fantastic, and satisfying second ever.  And the emotional high from winning is spectacular!!


So, now I'm two for two on my felony jury trials.  Since I was only second chair on the murder trial, I don't really count that.  So I'm batting .1000.  


That's what I'm talking about.

Felony trial #2 begins today. Game face on!

Success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed

I lost a sentencing motion today.  I worked super hard on it, as did a member of my support staff.  I even put together a powerpoint presentation to correspond w/ my verbal argument to the court  (and it took me roughly 6-8 hours to put the presentation together because I really don't know how to do powerpoint and kind of had to teach myself as a I went along).  But, in the end, the court did not agree with our recommendations, so we lost the motion. 


Despite the fact that we lost, I can take some consolation in the fact that I had people tell me that I did a really good job on the hearing.  Considering that in most of my court hearings, I'm always wondering if I sound like a total moron (it's that whole public speaking thing that can be a bit unnerving, even when your job requires you to do it every day), it was nice to hear that people thought I did well.  The court clerk told me I did an excellent job, another defense attorney in the courtroom told me afterwards that it was "hands down the best departure motion" she'd ever seen, and even the prosecutor told me afterwards that my powerpoint was really good.  So, at least I know that I did everything I could and the presentation of the motion was strong.  The court didn't agree with what we were requesting, but I did feel like the judge listened to the arguments and considered them and that's really all either side can ask for. 


Well, you can't win 'em all, and thankfully, for our side of things, you can't lose 'em all, either.  And as Emily Dickinson  so aptly stated, "Success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed." 

Success is counted sweetest

By those who ne'er succeed

To comprehend a nectar

Requires sorest need. 

Not one of all the purple host

Who took the flag today

Can tell the definition

So clear, of victory!

As he, defeated, dying,

On whose forbidden ear

The distant strains of triumph

Burst agonized and clear!

Sunday evening musings

Sweet mother, I just saw an episode of "Sister Wives."  I'd never seen any episodes before tonight.  What the hell?!  I'd claw those other women's eyes out, no questions asked.  And then I'd kick my husband's ass for even suggesting he be allowed to bang other chicks, let alone force me to consider them my "sister wife."  


My favorite part of the episode was when the group had to move because the police were investigating them and the one woman looks at the camera, crying, and says, very seriously, "This isn't the America I learned about when I was in school."  And I thought to myself, "You mean, the America where if you break the law, you get in trouble with the police?  I'm not sure what America you grew up in, but in the America I grew up in, that's pretty much the routine."   ...you know, unless you have a killer public defender...hehehe...


My dad's coming out from the East Coast in about a week or so.  I told him I'm scheduled to be in trial that week, to which he replied that maybe he'd come watch me let a criminal go free.  Naturally I reminded him that if we won, then he wasn't a criminal, but that he'd be more than welcome to come watch since court is open. 


I've only had one person ever come see me while I'm in court--RV came and watched part of the murder trial but I didn't say anything so she more just watched the trial in general.  So, it would be kind of cool if my dad were actually able to come see my trial.  Even Hat hasn't ever seen me in court--for all he knows, I may have totally made up this whole "public defender" thing and I really don't do anything all day after I leave the house.  Well, that's not entirely true, since he's come to the office a few times and met many of my co-workers.  More accurately, I could have made up this whole "being a lawyer" thing--maybe I'm really working there as a paralegal or secretary or something else, since he's never actually seen me in court. 


Also, I love the show "Cops."  People are soooo weird on this show...and sometimes the cops are amazing and hilarious.  Like the episode I saw recently where 2 like 16 year olds were hanging around a meth house (unbeknownst to them) and the cops pulled them over and then found a joint in the car.  So, instead of arresting them or something, the cops made them each call their parents right there and then the cop told the parents that he'd busted them w/ weed and they were hanging out at a meth house, although they didn't have any meth and they didn't seem to know it was a meth house.  And the one girl started to cry and said, "Please, don't make me call my dad!"  That cop apparently knew that getting arrested is sometimes the better option if the options are arrest or telling the parents.   So, he made them deal with the worse option--the dad was yelling so loudly at the girl that you could hear him through the cell phone on the TV!!


Okay, back to the "Cops" marathon...

Back from the land of paradise

So, Hawaii was amazing.  Stepping off the plane felt a little like stepping into a movie, since everywhere I looked, there were palm trees and gorgeous mountainscapes.  And the ocean.  Lots of the ocean.  Like this:

Those are actual photos I took while we were there.  I know, right??  Un-freaking-real...

Needless to say, it was super relaxing.  My regular stabbing-upper-back/shoulder pain that likes to make my right side feel like misery didn't act up once while I was in Hawaii! I felt awesome the whole time I was there.  And, Hat's allergies disappeared, too.  So, physically and mentally, it was phenomenal.  Hat's already trying to figure out how we can move there.  However, since Hawaii makes you take its bar exam (no waivers), it probably won't happen.  One bar exam is torture enough!!

So, today it was back to work as usual.  Nothing really had changed.  Well, there was a new copier in the office--this one is in color!!--and it scared me a little since I'm technologically equivalent to a caveman.  So, when I had to fax something in to the court, I got a little nervous that I might not know what to do.  Thankfully, that aspect of it was the same as the old copier, so I was okay. 

I did win a sentencing argument today, so that was pretty neat.  It was a drug case and the agreement let me argue for a stay of adjudication (meaning no conviction is entered and if the person completes probation successfully, then there is never a conviction) and the state was going to argue for a stay of imposition (meaning a felony sentence isn't imposed and if the person is successful on probation, the charge is a misdemeanor on their record--it's a felony on their record while they are on probation, though).  So, I made my arguments and thought we had a decent enough shot at the court giving us the stay of adjudication.  And the court did grant that, which was pretty awesome.  

The judge I was in front of is very hard to read, though.  While I was giving my reasoning for requesting the stay of adjudication, I kept thinking, "Omg...what's that expression mean?? Is this going terribly? I don't think I sound like I'm talking crazy but maybe I am...ugh...what is this judge thinking?!"  The judge's face was somewhat stern looking and they kept raising one eyebrow at me, making me wonder if what I'd just said was totally nuts.  However, after the court went with our recommendation, I started to think that maybe that was just the judge's concentration face--I have been told I look mad when I'm thinking really hard, so maybe it's something like that.  Or maybe I did sound like a whacko but the court went with the recommendation anyway.  That's always a possibility.  

The biggest benefit of my Hawaii trip is now I look even less like I'm old enough to be a lawyer, since I now have a great big crop of freckles across my cheeks and nose.  Like a little kid.  They only ever come out in the summer time--they are not really visible at all in the winter, but in the summer and in the sun, they pop out like crazy.  So, as I was talking to one of the prosecutors today, she asked me, "Were you out in the sun recently?  I've never seen you with freckles before!"  So, I know that they are noticeable.  I already get asked about my age and how long I've been an attorney.  A big splash of little-kid-freckles can only make that perception even better...

So, May 21, 2011 is supposed to be Judgment Day, followed by misery for anyone who isn't Raptured. At least I got to go to Hawaii before all that happens.

A tale of two weather forecasts

Minnesota: 

May 12: Showers; high of 62; low of 50

May 13: Few showers; high of 56; low of 49

May 14: Few showers; high of 60; low of 44

May 15: Partly cloudy; high of 64; low of 46

May 16: Partly cloudy; high of 66; low of 47

May 17: Showers; high of 67; low of 46

May 18: Scattered showers; high of 66; low of 44

Hawaii: 

May 12: Partly cloudy; high of 84; low of 73

May 13: Partly cloudy; high of 83; low of 73

May 14: Partly cloudy; high of 83; low of 73

May 15: Partly cloudy; high of 84; low of 73

May 16: Cloudy; high of 84; low of 73

May 17: Partly cloudy; high of 84; low of 73

May 18: Cloudy; high of 84; low of 73

Do I really have to come back afterwards?? I'm sure I could pass the Hawaii bar exam.  And I hear Mormons are really big down there, so I'd fit right in (at least at first until they figured out that I secretly don't fit in at all).  I'm sure I can just stay there forever, right??

Thursday is Hawaii-day!! I'm almost on the amazing, glorious Hawaiian beach!! Just gotta make it through Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Then vacation!!!!

Humorous conversation of the day

One of the prosecutors and I were discussing bail on a case before court this afternoon.  I wanted him to agree to lower the bail.  While we were talking about why I thought he should agree to reduced bail, he was reviewing the bail evaluation, which is this form that ranks defendants based on a number of factors to determine whether bail should be set and at what level.  The scale goes something like this: 0-8 is low; 9-17 is medium; 18+ is high. 


Today's client had a score of 89.  While discussing the bail with the prosecutor, he says to me: "He's got a bail eval score of 89. I don't think I've ever seen one that high before."


Me: "Oh, I've seen ones that high before."
Him: "Really? You must know some interesting people."
Me: (Pause) "You know what my job is, right?" 


Hehehe...gotta have some humor to lighten things up at work.  

I'm a grumpy-pants lately

I have kind of wanted to punch everyone lately.  This is because my thyroid medication is definitely off.  As a result, my mood starts to suffer and I get seriously edgy.  Like I have been lately.  So, I end up having zero patience and then everyone gets on my nerves immediately.  


This is a problem at work, since dealing w/ my clients requires patience.  So far I've been okay at keeping it in check and not revealing the fact that I want to push people over all the time.  Just secretly, inside, I'm constantly thinking, "Shut up! Stop talking! I'm annoyed with you..."  To be fair, I think that about most people when my thyroid meds are off, but at least I can tell other people (like Hat and my co-workers) that I'm crabby due to that reason.  I generally don't discuss my medical issues w/ my clients, however, so I end up biting my tongue quite often and reminding myself that I've got my doctor's appointment in a few days so I will stop feeling so ragey soon enough. 


Some things will always annoy me, though, regardless of whether my meds are right or not.  Such as the clients who begin their first conversations with me by informing me that they have already spoken with some other attorney that they sort of know and that attorney told them that they should tell me to do X, Y, or Z on their case.  Yeah?? Well, go hire that attorney then.  Otherwise, let me do my damn job.


I have no problem if people want to take what I tell them and go get a second opinion.  That's fine.  But, then, if you decide you dislike my advice, don't come back and tell me that some other attorney would do it this way or that way so I should do it like that too.  No, I shouldn't. If you prefer some other attorney's advice/case strategy, then go hire them.  But I'm not them.  Don't tell me what I need to do based on what someone else told you.  I don't need to do anything that I don't think it appropriate--you need to go hire them if you like them better.  Trust me, I won't be offended.  


That being said, I did find out today that my reputation as an attorney precedes me.  And in a good way, not in a terrifying, rumor-filled sort of way.  I recently learned that when one of my clients found out that I was their public defender, they were very happy because they had heard I am nice and that I am a good attorney.  I do try to be nice, so that's probably a fair assessment.   Even when I'm low on thyroid meds and feeling full of rage, I still try to be nice to my clients.  Not nice in a lie-to-them-and/or-give-them-unrealistic-assessments-of-their-cases sort of way.  Nice in an understanding-listen-to-them-explain-things-thoroughly-break-bad-news-gently-to-them sort of way.  


Am I a good attorney?  I think I'm fairly decent.  I know my stuff and I know enough to know what I don't know and I go find it out if I don't know it.  But, I certainly don't think I'm amazing.  I've heard this before from other clients--the buzz at the jail for awhile was that I was "the good public defender"--and I always think this is probably more of a situation of me being nice and that being translated into me being some amazing attorney or something.  I can name many, many more attorneys who are much more polished than I am in court.  There are many attorneys who know case law citations in their heads.  I see much more eloquent and smooth-talking attorneys in court than I sound.  I've read transcripts of myself in court--that's never not-embarrassing.  So, I think I'm a solid attorney.  I think I'm good in the sense that I am not a dolt and if you ask me to explain something to you, I generally know enough about it to explain it.  But, I don't characterize myself as some fantastic courtroom presence or something.  I'd rank myself as average, especially because I'm still a relatively new attorney.  Some things you just have to learn by experience and I've only got 2 years of experience. 


But, it's nice to know that my clients are generally happy with my representation of them on their cases.  Obviously if my incoming clients are hearing that I'm nice and good, that must mean that my current and/or former clients are satisfied.  And that's more important to me than being all smooth and fancy in court.  Because let's face it--I probably won't ever be all smooth and fancy in court.  I'm the same girl who complains about having to wear pants and would totally have pajamas on under my robe if I were a judge.  Smooth and fancy just aren't in my realm.  It's a victory if I don't say "uuuuhhhhh" more than 10 times in one court hearing. 


And in other news, WTF is up with the Twins?? Shameful lately!! Incredibly shameful.  But, at least I'm kicking butt in fantasy baseball.  My record so far is 2-1 and it looks like this week will make it 3-1.  So, at least there's that. 

I get to see Cider on Sunday!!!!!

Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm the big 2-8 now.  It was a pretty awesome birthday.  I played video games for most of the morning, then watched the Twins game.  They won, which was exciting.  Then I went to JoAnn Fabrics because I wanted to try to sew some more since Hat got me this sweet sewing box as my birthday present: 

Since it's now a whole lot easier to move my sewing stuff around, I feel like I will be much more inclined to sew.  I didn't have anything transportable to keep my sewing stuff in so I would have to make several trips back and forth to get everything.  Not anymore!  Hat even made sure to purchase all the thread that is in the second picture, along with a seam gauge, a pair of scissors, and a seam ripper.  Plus a gift card to be able to take a class at JoAnn's.  Very thoughtful! 

After JoAnn's, we went to the place nearby that sells pottery that you can paint.  That was a lot of fun.  I had an after-hours get-together, so it was all private and no one else could come into the store.  Very cool!  And my friends all had fun, which I wasn't sure if they would since not everyone's into painting pottery.  Then, they came over to my place to eat some delicious, Hat-made food and chill.  

It was an excellent, relaxing birthday.  Just what I needed! 

Cider was discharged from the hospital today!!!! Best! News! Ever!

Maybe the stupid weather is why I've been gloomy lately. Hawaii will help.

My thyroid medicine is off again. 


I know this because lately I keep having these depressing/crappy thoughts pop into my head that generally don't come to mind when my levels are normal.  Things like, "Good gracious, I have to go to work for 40 hours a week for the rest of my life?! Who made that rule? Effing a, this sucks balls."  and "Damnit, being a grown-up blows a lot more than I ever anticipated as a kid."  While those things are true, I generally don't dwell on them and they aren't a cause for me to feel grumpy.  Not the case lately, where I feel grumpy and out-of-sorts about it.  So, I scheduled a doctor's appointment--it's that time of the year anyway--in a couple weeks and they'll stab me a few times in an attempt to get my blood and then call me in a few days and tell me what I already know--that my medicine is off again.  I wish I could skip the stabbing part of it, but apparently that's necessary.  LAME. 

It was 70 on Tuesday. Today it snowed enough to collect on the ground. I hate you, Minnesota.

Updates

Hat and I recently went to Dave and Buster's to take my mom out for her birthday.  She very rarely gets to do anything fun, so we thought it would be a good time for her.  It was--she had a lot of fun.  We also had a lot of fun.  And, in exciting news, we managed to win enough prize tickets to score this sweet 4-person picnic set: 

Really what sold me was the mini salt and pepper shakers.  They are soooo adorable! What can I say?  I like things in miniature.  So, now Hat and I can go on picnics and/or camping.  Which is pretty cool. 

In other news, technology and I have not been getting along well lately.  In the last week, both my work computer and my cell phone have gotten all weird and janky on me.  I've spent crazy amounts of time on the phone w/ IT at work dealing w/ the computer.  And I spent like an hour+ dealing w/ my stupid phone.  I don't understand why technology constantly needs to revolt against me, but it does.  And I hate it.  I'm going to end up prematurely being one of those people who are all like, "What? What's this new-fangled gadget? What's wrong with my 8-track? Bleeeeehhh...."  

Work has been rather calm lately, strangely enough.  It's refreshing.  I haven't felt like crying or punching the wall in frustration in like a month.  Actually, I think it was the murder trial that has helped the situation, oddly enough.  It appears (although I'm not positive) that I was not getting assigned nearly as many cases as normal while I was in trial, so when I was done with the murder trial, I came back to a mass of paperwork, but not very many new files.  So, this allowed me to 1) catch up on the stuff that had come in while I was in trial and 2) not have a billion court appearances right afterwards so I could really actually catch up on stuff.  So, I have been able to be ready and prepared in court and I've had time to meet with my clients and do other out-of-court work on the cases.  So, that's been nice and different.  It's nice not to want to run screaming out of the office because I hate everything ever.  

Its finally started to warm up in MN. It's amazing how much happier I feel just from being in the warmth and the sunshine. 1000 times more happiness daily.

Does anyone who isn't a Yankee fan not just despise the Yankees? They are so hideous.

Television affected me more than I knew

So, upon starting to re-watch My So-Called Life, I have realized that two things from this show have affected me forever.  The first is my desire to be a redhead.  The color that Angela Chase dyes her hair in the first episode is the color I have constantly tried to replicate in my own life.  The second is my never-ending crush on Jared Leto--or more accurately, on Jordan Catalano.   No matter what Jared Leto does, I always sort of have a crush on him. 

Not too exciting

Baseball makes me happy.  I'm so glad it's back on so I can watch it again, even though the Twins lost miserably on their first two games. 


Other than that, I currently have nothing else to report.  Everything has been fairly mellow lately.  Which is a nice change of pace, for sure.  There's a chance I'll be in yet another trial tomorrow, since we're #2 on the list and I don't know what's going on with the #1 case.  If that happens, things will get frenetic again because I'll quite likely get behind in things at work again.  But, that's just the way things go when you're in trial--kind of everyone expects and understands that. 


And, that's about all that there is.  I'm boring right now, but that's okay. 

Only one day left till baaaaaaaaaasebaaaaaaaaall!!!!!!

Wriggity-wriggity-wriggity-reboot

So, last Thursday, for some reason, all of South East and South Central MN was in love with reading my blog.  And they were all state workers, according to my stat tracker, because they all accessed it from the domain of state.mn.us.  This was oddly enough on the same day that this bill was introduced in the MN Senate, which would permit counties to withdraw from public defender representation for 2 year periods.  This made me slightly suspicious, as I know maybe 1 person who lives in that entire region and that would be it.  So, I'm not sure exactly what the southern portion of the state was doing with my blog, but I didn't like it.


As a result, I removed the last 8 years worth of blog posts, since I had no idea what they were looking for, and I have rebooted the franchise, a la every-new-movie-that-has-come-out-recently (minus the terrible Megan Fox acting).  So, while I will continue to keep blogging, my archives are now inaccessible.  I have not decided what will happen with the new archives, but the old ones have been removed. 


So, I apologize to anyone who had desperately wanted to read about my life from when I was 20 years old (side note--I can't believe I have been blogging for 8 years!), but that's the status.


In other news, I got first pick in my fantasy baseball draft this year.  Last year I was like 2nd to last and that sucked.  But this year, I was first, so that was cool.  I took Albert Pujols since he kills it every year.  I got a decent lineup, including the following players: 

•  Albert Pujols
• Victor Martinez
• Ben Zobrist
• Jose Bautista
• Elvis Andrus
• Juan Pierre
• Omar Infante
• Brett Gardner
• Mike Napoli 
• Juan Uribe
• Carlos Pena
• Austin Jackson
• Miguel Olivo
• Alcides Escobar
• Carl Pavano
• Jered Weaver
• Heath Bell
• Alexi Ogando
• Matt Capps
• Anibal Sanchez
• Jon Rauch
• Jeremy Guthrie
• Brian Wilson

So, hopefully I'll do well this year.  Last year I came in third, so I did pretty decently for my first time playing.  


Other than that, things have been pretty much the same.  Life at work is returning to normal again after the massively long trial.  I'm finally mostly caught up on stuff and I am working now on staying on top of things, so I'm no longer behind on everything.  So, that's nice.  This week is a pretty easy week--only 1 court appearance so I have plenty of time to work on stuff and wrap up anything that I might still have that I'm behind on.  So, this week is nice and stress-free.  Which is an exciting and awesome change of pace. 


In other news, I've discovered that "My So Called Life" is now available on Netflix Watch Instantly.  Now that I know about this, I will have to watch it.  It's been soooooo long since Jordan Catalano has been in my life.  That show is the reason I have always had a slight crush on Jared Leto, no matter how unattractive and/or weird he's gotten.  


Okay, that's all for now.