It's no secret that I'm rather hedonistic. I'm fully aware of that. However, if was only when Hat pointed out to me recently that I'm the only person he knows who hates sweating that I realized just how intensely I despise things that aren't pleasurable. There are many things that I really hate and that I am incredibly annoyed with that apparently other people don't think about. Like sweating.
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Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Blah
So lately I've been feeling very blah. I'm not sure why. It's not low thyroid meds, since I'm on a new dose and have been for awhile and I'm feeling better overall now. So it's not that. I'm not sure what the problem is.
I've been feeling just kind of bored with everything, I guess. There's not anything in particular that is wrong. It's just sort of routine and boring. I feel like it's my own personal "Groundhog's Day." Every day seems to bleed into the next one and the next and the next.
I can't say I'm unhappy necessarily. I'm just bored. Everything is fine. Work has been the best (read: least overwhelming and fewest crying sessions) that it has been pretty much since I started. Hat is still wonderful as always. We aren't lacking for anything and we have most of the creature comforts that you'd expect--cable, internet, big ol' TV (thanks again, Dad!), video game systems, functioning cars (with warranties still for extra bonuses), etc, etc. But, I'm still bored/blah.
I sort of wonder if the problem is that I'm out of goals. I've accomplished the major life goals I set for myself when I was younger. Go to college--check. Go to law school--check. Get a good job making decent money/not be on welfare like I was as a child--check. Get a job as a public defender--check. Get married to someone awesome--check. Aaaaand now I'm done...so, I'm supposed to be basking in the gloriousness of my accomplishments. Instead, I'm constantly thinking, "This is it? Getting up at 5:00 a.m. is not what I'd expected as basking in the gloriousness..." It's a lot less spectacular than I had expected.
And being a grown-up is a total rip-off. It's no where near as awesome as I thought it would be when I was a kid. Being a grown-up was supposed to be full of no bedtimes, no rules, and having so much fun because I could do whatever I wanted. None of those things are true. I do have a bedtime, since I have to get up so early for work. There are rules, like that I have to wear a suitcoat all the time at work (barf) and I have to have insurance on my car (expensive). And it's not so much fun because I can't do whatever I want. I have to do things that I need to do or am supposed to do. Someone should have told me that being a grown-up is not nearly as sweet and magical as it seemed. Instead it's full of responsibilities and bills and work and buying toilet paper. Ugh...
So, maybe it's that I'm out of goals now and I expected it to be way more chock-full of awesomeness than it is. Maybe it's that being a grown-up isn't as fun as I thought it would be. Maybe it's because doing the mundane things, like buying toilet paper and toothpaste and paying bills and getting an oil change, are just that--mundane.
I'm not sure what the problem is but I wish it would go away. Part of me feels like telling the other part of my to STFU because nothing is wrong so just be happy w/ that. But the other part of my is still bored and I can't shake it. I wish I knew how because I would really like to not be bored anymore. It sucks.
I've been feeling just kind of bored with everything, I guess. There's not anything in particular that is wrong. It's just sort of routine and boring. I feel like it's my own personal "Groundhog's Day." Every day seems to bleed into the next one and the next and the next.
I can't say I'm unhappy necessarily. I'm just bored. Everything is fine. Work has been the best (read: least overwhelming and fewest crying sessions) that it has been pretty much since I started. Hat is still wonderful as always. We aren't lacking for anything and we have most of the creature comforts that you'd expect--cable, internet, big ol' TV (thanks again, Dad!), video game systems, functioning cars (with warranties still for extra bonuses), etc, etc. But, I'm still bored/blah.
I sort of wonder if the problem is that I'm out of goals. I've accomplished the major life goals I set for myself when I was younger. Go to college--check. Go to law school--check. Get a good job making decent money/not be on welfare like I was as a child--check. Get a job as a public defender--check. Get married to someone awesome--check. Aaaaand now I'm done...so, I'm supposed to be basking in the gloriousness of my accomplishments. Instead, I'm constantly thinking, "This is it? Getting up at 5:00 a.m. is not what I'd expected as basking in the gloriousness..." It's a lot less spectacular than I had expected.
And being a grown-up is a total rip-off. It's no where near as awesome as I thought it would be when I was a kid. Being a grown-up was supposed to be full of no bedtimes, no rules, and having so much fun because I could do whatever I wanted. None of those things are true. I do have a bedtime, since I have to get up so early for work. There are rules, like that I have to wear a suitcoat all the time at work (barf) and I have to have insurance on my car (expensive). And it's not so much fun because I can't do whatever I want. I have to do things that I need to do or am supposed to do. Someone should have told me that being a grown-up is not nearly as sweet and magical as it seemed. Instead it's full of responsibilities and bills and work and buying toilet paper. Ugh...
So, maybe it's that I'm out of goals now and I expected it to be way more chock-full of awesomeness than it is. Maybe it's that being a grown-up isn't as fun as I thought it would be. Maybe it's because doing the mundane things, like buying toilet paper and toothpaste and paying bills and getting an oil change, are just that--mundane.
I'm not sure what the problem is but I wish it would go away. Part of me feels like telling the other part of my to STFU because nothing is wrong so just be happy w/ that. But the other part of my is still bored and I can't shake it. I wish I knew how because I would really like to not be bored anymore. It sucks.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
And I'm exhausted...
I worked out today for the first time in forever. Ever since the car accident, I've been really out of shape so I decided now was the time to get back into shape. But, I forgot how freaking hard that is!! I did a lot of squats and lunges and now I can barely move. I'm like a little old lady, hobbling around. It's pathetic how out of shape I am...
In other news: it looks like the MN state government shutdown is going to be at an end soon. Thankfully, I wasn't directly affected by it since the public defenders were considered essential services and constitutionally required to continue functioning. But, it was still frustrating that we had to deal with this again (there was a partial shutdown in 2005). The news came out today that the governor and the leaders of the two houses had reached an agreement so apparently the shutdown will end soon.
Things at work have settled into a pretty steady routine, which is a nice change of pace. I'm hesitantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the hellhole of too many cases with no time and me freaking out and crying to revive itself, but I'm enjoying the current state of affairs. I've got regular office days since January, so I have been able to establish a routine where I met my clients at their first court date w/ an attorney and then I set up a meeting with them on one of my regular office days. I can also use my office days to review the audio/video before the omnibus hearing so I can actually KNOW if there are any omnibus issues before we get to court. Shocking!!
The nice thing is that I haven't had to ask for a continuance due to not being prepared in months. When I do need a continuance, it's been for the client's reasons--in the hospital; sick; etc. Not "I'm not prepared because I didn't get a chance to look at this case..." It's really been nice to be able to find a groove after like 2+ years of feeling like I'm constantly being pulled apart in 50 different directions. I still have overwhelming days, but the frantic feeling of "OMG I can't handle this" has subsided.
I also recently won an omnibus hearing and got my client's case dismissed for lack of probable cause. That was very, very exciting. When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands over my mouth in disbelief. I was so surprised in a freaking awesome way. I won against one of my favorite prosecutors, who is super crazy smart, so that was both fun and awesome. The best part of all was the judge dismissed it for a reason that I didn't even argue. Ahahahaha! Excellent. I think that is the first felony omnibus hearing I've had, so it was pretty sweet to win it. I'm killing it lately. I won my first felony trial, then my second one, and now I've won my first omnibus hearing. Feels good to know I'm not wiping out on these felonies like I worried about when I first started doing them.
It's very weird that I just started doing felonies a year ago. In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago. I took over in July and last July was full of panic attacks and crying and looking/feeling like a moron in court. I didn't think that w/in a year, I'd have a perfect trial record and feel competent enough to work on felonies w/o constantly needing to ask other attorneys for help.
And I've enjoyed working with the prosecutors in the county attorney's office, too. It's really nice to be on good terms w/ the opposing side, since I've never understood why some people feel like they have to be at war all the time w/ the other side. I get frustrated when other attorneys take that attitude because I find it very unnecessary. I mean, as much as I love what I do and as much as I value the work and the principles behind it, at the end of the day, it's my job not my life. So, if I win or lose, I still go home at the end of the day and watch "Teen Mom." I don't need to hate the opposition because they have their job to do. And thankfully, the county attorneys I work with seem to have the same perspective on things. So, we can get stuff resolved pretty often and they were very understanding when I first started and didn't know what the heck I was doing.
All of those things--finally having regular office days; finding my groove at work; and having good relationships with the prosecutors--have really taken a huge chunk of the stress away. I haven't cried at work in like 4 months or more!
I worked out today for the first time in forever. Ever since the car accident, I've been really out of shape so I decided now was the time to get back into shape. But, I forgot how freaking hard that is!! I did a lot of squats and lunges and now I can barely move. I'm like a little old lady, hobbling around. It's pathetic how out of shape I am...
In other news: it looks like the MN state government shutdown is going to be at an end soon. Thankfully, I wasn't directly affected by it since the public defenders were considered essential services and constitutionally required to continue functioning. But, it was still frustrating that we had to deal with this again (there was a partial shutdown in 2005). The news came out today that the governor and the leaders of the two houses had reached an agreement so apparently the shutdown will end soon.
Things at work have settled into a pretty steady routine, which is a nice change of pace. I'm hesitantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the hellhole of too many cases with no time and me freaking out and crying to revive itself, but I'm enjoying the current state of affairs. I've got regular office days since January, so I have been able to establish a routine where I met my clients at their first court date w/ an attorney and then I set up a meeting with them on one of my regular office days. I can also use my office days to review the audio/video before the omnibus hearing so I can actually KNOW if there are any omnibus issues before we get to court. Shocking!!
The nice thing is that I haven't had to ask for a continuance due to not being prepared in months. When I do need a continuance, it's been for the client's reasons--in the hospital; sick; etc. Not "I'm not prepared because I didn't get a chance to look at this case..." It's really been nice to be able to find a groove after like 2+ years of feeling like I'm constantly being pulled apart in 50 different directions. I still have overwhelming days, but the frantic feeling of "OMG I can't handle this" has subsided.
I also recently won an omnibus hearing and got my client's case dismissed for lack of probable cause. That was very, very exciting. When I saw that, I actually gasped and clapped my hands over my mouth in disbelief. I was so surprised in a freaking awesome way. I won against one of my favorite prosecutors, who is super crazy smart, so that was both fun and awesome. The best part of all was the judge dismissed it for a reason that I didn't even argue. Ahahahaha! Excellent. I think that is the first felony omnibus hearing I've had, so it was pretty sweet to win it. I'm killing it lately. I won my first felony trial, then my second one, and now I've won my first omnibus hearing. Feels good to know I'm not wiping out on these felonies like I worried about when I first started doing them.
It's very weird that I just started doing felonies a year ago. In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago. I took over in July and last July was full of panic attacks and crying and looking/feeling like a moron in court. I didn't think that w/in a year, I'd have a perfect trial record and feel competent enough to work on felonies w/o constantly needing to ask other attorneys for help.
And I've enjoyed working with the prosecutors in the county attorney's office, too. It's really nice to be on good terms w/ the opposing side, since I've never understood why some people feel like they have to be at war all the time w/ the other side. I get frustrated when other attorneys take that attitude because I find it very unnecessary. I mean, as much as I love what I do and as much as I value the work and the principles behind it, at the end of the day, it's my job not my life. So, if I win or lose, I still go home at the end of the day and watch "Teen Mom." I don't need to hate the opposition because they have their job to do. And thankfully, the county attorneys I work with seem to have the same perspective on things. So, we can get stuff resolved pretty often and they were very understanding when I first started and didn't know what the heck I was doing.
All of those things--finally having regular office days; finding my groove at work; and having good relationships with the prosecutors--have really taken a huge chunk of the stress away. I haven't cried at work in like 4 months or more!